I’m Not A Complete Idiot!
by Gina Valley
Because getting my pack ready for back-to-school is already such a smooth process our dryer decided to add to the fun by refusing to operate today.
The lights on the “dashboard”(as the manufacturer calls it. We call it the “front.”) light up, but pushing “start” doesn’t cause it to start. I also noticed an icon that looked like an hourglass spinning around on the display panel. The FAQ pamphlet that came with the dryer defined this symbol as the in-cycle indicator.
The Professor suggested I call a repairperson. This solidified my belief that I could fix it myself. I used to design satellites. I can handle the dryer.
So, I fired up my laptop, and went to the manufacturer’s website. After I found the right model number I clicked on “live chat” (Why do they call it “live” chat? Is there another type of chatting? Is there delayed chat? Isn’t that sending a letter? Is there dead chat? Isn’t that a séance?).
I resisted the urge to wax poetic to “Brad” about how my dryer was hurt that he didn’t care about its problems of yesterday, and instead typed “has power, hour glass icon is showing, will not turn on.” Then, I giggled a little bit.
His reply popped up right away, “Is the unit receiving power?”
I thought, “I believe so. That’s why I noted it ’has power.’ I probably would have gone with ‘does NOT have power’ if it did not have power. I’m not a complete idiot.”
But, I answered, “Yes.”
Brad responded quickly, “Is the unit plugged in?”
I thought, “Is it plugged in? It’s supposed to be plugged in? I was wondering what that long cord with the plug at the end was for. Duh! Since we have already determined it has power, I sure as heck hope it’s plugged in! Otherwise, there must be some sort of SkyNet or other nuclear event going down. Obviously, it’s plugged in. I’m not a complete idiot.”
But, I answered, “Yes.”
Next came a statement from Brad, “Gas dryers, like all standard household appliances, require electrical power to function.”
I thought, “Appliances need electricity? Well, that’s news. Maybe our refrigerator, toaster, and 16 lamps aren’t broken after all. Thanks for the tip. I had no idea.”
But, I answered, “Yes.”
Brad continued with, “If you are certain that your unit is connected to a power source, we will need to explore other possible sources of the problem. Are you prepared to do that?”
I banged my head on the keyboard 3 times. I wondered if he wanted me to tell him that I had hiking boots and Chapstick.
But, I answered, “Yes, let’s explore some of those.”
Brad continued, “To begin a cycle on your machine you will need to press the button labeled ‘start.’ Have you done this?”
But, I answered, “Yes. I have pushed start. An hour glass icon appears when I push start, which the FAQ booklet that came with the machine defines as the ‘in-cycle indicator,’ but the machine does not start.”
Brad typed, in what had to be a condescending font even though it looked the same as before, “I understand, but would you please repeat that action now? Then, please report what happens to me.”
I thought, “Really? You think I am too stupid to have tried pushing the start button? What did you think was my hang up? Was I looking for a button that said ‘begin’ and was stymied because I couldn’t locate that? When I say I pushed ‘start’ that’s because I pushed ‘start!’ I am not a complete idiot!”
But, I answered, “Ok. Brb.”
I carried my laptop with me (in order to shave valuable seconds off my reporting time), went to the laundry room, and pushed the “start” button I had already pushed dozens of times today. Shockingly, the same thing happened as happened every other time I had pushed it today in an effort to give the dryer the opportunity to have magically healed itself – nothing!
I dutifully reported this latest development to Brad, “Pushed start. Machine did NOT start. Hour-glass icon still present.”
I thought, “Am I ready to reboot my dryer? No, I’m not ready to reboot my dryer. At this point I am about ready for a clothesline. I’ll let you know whether I am going to hang the laundry or myself on it after I get one. Why the heck should you have to reboot a dryer? Who is the moron who decided to put computers on dryers anyway? Of course, I’m not ready to reboot my dryer! I am not a complete idiot!”
But, I answered, “Yes, I’m ready.”
Brad continued his fine appliance leadership, telling me, “In order to reboot your dryer, you will need to unplug your dryer, wait one full minute, plug your dryer back in, and press ‘start.’ Are you ready to complete this process?”
I thought, “You want me to unplug the stupid thing? Why didn’t you just say that? First of all, I’ve already done that twice today in an effort to encourage the machine to magically heal itself, with no change noted. Secondly, why didn’t you mention this during the whole ‘Is your machine plugged in’ debacle? And, thirdly, yes, I think I can manage to unplug my dryer. I am even reasonably sure I can plug it back in again, too, because I AM NOT A COMPLETE IDIOT!”
I completed the process, and, big surprise, there was no change. I reported this to Brad.
Brad typed in a defeated font, “That your machine is getting power, will not turn on, and is showing the in-cycle icon indicates that this is a problem which must be addressed by a trained service technician.”
I stared at his reply for a full minute.
After all of that time spent and he had just told me that I needed to call a repairperson?
Maybe I am a complete idiot!
Laugh Out Loud!
How are things functioning at your house today? I’m looking forward to hearing all about it. Shoot me a comment, quick before the power goes out!