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Flossing is the Devil

Flossing is the Devil

by Gina Valley

Every day I floss.

Every day.

Well, every night, really.  I always brush, then floss, then rinse with what’s supposed to be mouth wash but I think is actually fire water.

Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Flossing Teeth Eyes Red Burning Puffy Watering Swelling Minty Dental Hygiene Dentist

I might be the only person on the planet that doesn’t have to lie when my dentist asks if I’ve been flossing.  I never miss a night.  Never.

Now, don’t go thinking I’m particularly, naturally, dentally thorough.  I hate flossing.  I only do it because I have to.  I wish it was because I was being meticulous to gain the many health benefits flossing brings.  But to be honest, I floss because whenever I skip flossing I have a nightmare where all my teeth fall out.  Kid you not – I really do.

So, I always floss before bed.

Every day. Well, every night, really.

Every night after I floss I get into bed, set the alarm on my phone, realize I set the alarm wrong, reset it, and turn off the light.

The next items on the itinerary tend to vary and aren’t coverable here, but what I invariably do the second I wake up in the morning is always the same.

As soon as I wake up I always rub my eyes.  I know I shouldn’t.  You should never rub your eyes!  It’s terrible for the skin around them.  But, before I am awake enough to think it through, I always rub my eyes.

And, rubbing my eyes is a problem for a whole other reason for me.

I use minty, waxed dental floss.  I don’t know that it’s better than any other kind, but it works quite well with my teeth.  Plus, it’s the only kind CostCo sells.

The thing about it is that wax that helps the floss glide between my teeth apparently also glides right onto my fingers while I’m flossing and stays on them, even through the washing of my hands after I floss.  It remains firmly adhered to my fingers all night long, and, come the morning, it’s ready and waiting for the only thing that will release it – me rubbing my eyes.  I guess eyes are the only thing that can dissolve floss wax, and mine are quite good at it.

The second I do it I immediately realize my mistake, but by then it’s already too late.  The minty invisible wax seizes the opportunity to jump from my fingersHumor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Flossing Teeth Eyes Red Burning Puffy Watering Swelling Minty Dental Hygiene Dentist into my eyes, causing my eyes to instantly burn, turn bright red, puff up, and water like crazy.  On the plus side, they smell nice and minty.

Usually it wears off in less than 30 minutes, but sometimes it sticks with me for a couple of hours.  It seems to stay longer if I have an important meeting first thing in the morning.

So, every morning as I begin my day people ask me if I’m sick or upset because my eyes are red and puffy and tearing.

And, every day I explain that no, I’m fine and that my eyes are red and puffy and tearing because I floss.

And, every day people walk away from me shaking their heads.

What’s up with that?

I guess some people just don’t understand good dental hygiene.

Laugh Out Loud!


How are your healthy routines working out? Do they make you look sick and tired?  Shoot me a comment.  I look forward to hearing all about it!

5 Responses
  • Paula @lkg4sweetspot
    July 7, 2012

    LOL! I never know where your stories are going to go, and I love that! At least you floss regularly – me, I go into a mad flossing frenzy whenever my yearly dentist visit is approaching!

    • gina
      July 8, 2012

      Thank you so much for the compliment! I’m so glad to get to give you a laugh! Don’t feel guilty about not flossing. I think I am the only one who does it regularly! Lol!

  • Lilliana
    July 7, 2012

    Gina, you are so funny! Enjoying your blog and sense of humor.

    • gina
      July 8, 2012

      Thank you so much! I am so glad to get to bring you some giggles!