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Youth Soccer Is The Root Of All Evil

Youth Soccer Is The Root Of All Evil

by Gina Valley

Youth soccer is the root of all evil.

It seems like the perfect children’s sport.

Everyone can play.  The rules are simple.  Only basic equipment is necessary.

What a lovely way to spend an afternoon bonding with your family.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Youth Soccer Is The Root Of All Evil Except it’s so not.

Having had children participate for the past decade, with many more years still to come, I can tell you authoritatively that youth soccer is, in fact, the portal to evil.

We suckers, I mean parents, sign our kids up for what we think will be a relaxing once a week contest among friends.  We don’t realize until it’s too late that we’ve joined an insidious cult.

The fact that soccer makes us rise earlier than the hockey families on Saturday morning should have been a clue that foul play was amiss.  But, blurry-eyed and sleep-deprived such as we are, we missed it.

Before we knew what was happening we’re handed a stack of schedules:  snack schedule, picture schedule, paint the field schedule, clean out some random guys garage schedule.

We’re given misspelled names to game locations on 4 different continents, and told to MapQuest them.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Youth Soccer Is The Root Of All Evil

We got a bill for coaches’ gifts, a team banner, practice shirts, and someone’s new car.

It all worked together to set our heads spinning before the games even start.

Basically, it’s just a simple ruse on the part of the children’s union to bring us parents into submission.

And it’s working, too.

It’s so much easier for kids to control sleep-deprived, sun-stroked, Goldfish-cracker-fed parents.  The complex details and extensive sun exposure rapidly turn our brains to mush.   Gibberish becomes our first language.

They’ve got us to not only let them, but to encourage them to run through mud puddles, push people, kick things, gulp Gatorade, snarf Oreos, and scream at their friends, all in the name of getting some quality exercise and good clean fun.

Just yesterday I heard myself say to one of my littles, “You can skip your chores, just please leave your uniform outside, and get into the shower.  Quickly.”

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Youth Soccer Is The Root Of All Evil Eight hours into today’s marathon session I heard myself say, “I just want some candy. Does anyone have any candy?”

After returning home from another full day of Soccer Mom-ing, I bargained with one of my tiny teamsters, “I’m exhausted.  I don’t care what you what you do.  Just let me sleep.  For the love of all that’s holy, let me sleep!”  Every electronic, screen-outfitted item in our house shuddered, preparing for the onslaught.

And, no, they did not let me sleep.

Maybe I can doze during half-time tomorrow.  After my shift at the snack bar.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Has your family joined the youth soccer cult?  Was I supposed to bring snacks this week?    Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

3 Responses
  • Brian Stephens
    September 16, 2013

    That sounds suspiciously like my wife during soccer season, “Just let me sleep.”

    But it gets worse when you coach the little monsters. I coach my oldest daughter and now have added daughter number 3 to the mix (4 daughters total in our crazy house). Your math is right, I’m coaching two soccer teams every season. That’s two practices per week and two games per Saturday, sometimes scheduled at the same time. Thank goodness for assistant coaches and beer. Mostly beer. Beer saves me from killing 6 year olds who spent all of their energy during school and now are tired, hungry, and want to pull my chain as I attempt to teach them how to kick a damn ball. Excuse me, I need to go grab a beer after just talking about this.

    • gina valley
      September 27, 2013

      Brian, I hope you got that beer, and have several to spare. There’s a long season still ahead! :o)

      I used to coach our oldest when we just had 2, but more kids and less energy meant less patience, so I’m on the sidelines now. And, behind the steering wheel. And. trying to coordinate the four different teams schedules. And, looking for the missing cleat or shin guard or water bottle. And, mind. I’m always looking for my mind. I’ve definitely lost that!

      Someday, they’ll be grown and my weekends will be peaceful. And, I’ll be bored out of my mind.

  • Jason
    September 29, 2013

    Thank you for this. My Sister and her family have been absent since they began their involvement with youth soccer about ten years ago; it’s ALL they do! I never hear from them unless it’s time for a soccer fundraiser, and they find it necessary to decline invitations to every family event because “we have soccer”. I’m not against children’s sports, but there is no “soccer season”…it’s the ENTIRE year! Ridiculous.