Where Have All The Stretchy Pants Gone?
by Gina Valley
It’s January. Is there anyone on the planet who is not trying to, or at least feeling guilty about not trying to, change their weight? Anyone? Anyone?
Well, with my annual intention to tighten up several areas in my life, and on my body, I’ve been thinking about the giant diet stress so many of us feel. It reminded me of a post I did before Thanksgiving, wherein I shared some of my well researched calorie absorption reduction techniques.
So, this week for Throwback Day, I’m going to make it more of a small throw, a toss really, just back a couple months to my No Stretchy Pants Necessary post to re-share my calorie absorption reduction techniques, and, additionally, some techniques you wonderful readers shared with me:
Fudge with nuts in it is considered a protein and therefore has calories equivalent to an equally sized piece of steamed, boneless, skinless chicken breast.
Diet Coke paired with anything cancels out the calories in its food companion due to some sort of complicated bio-chemical reaction (I don’t know if this works with Diet Pepsi or not. Studies are still pending). That’s why so many skinny people order a Big Mac, large fries, and a Diet Coke. How do you think they got so skinny?
Broken cookies have no calories. The breaks cause the calories to leak out. Brownie crumbs are calorie free for the same reason.
If you stand while eating, gravity pulls the calories down through your body, out through the soles your feet, and into the center of the earth. This is why the earth weighs so much. Make sure you remain standing for several minutes after you finish eating to fully reap the benefits of this technique. I think we have all seen people who sat down too soon and ended up trapping all of their calories near their rear end region.
Drinks ingested solely to stave off your “Throat Punchitis” that flares up every time your racist, sexist, moron of a brother-in-law speaks are considered medicinal and thus calorie free.
Socializing while eating removes half of the calories from your food. So, if you eat standing up while you socialize you will actually lose weight.
A chemical reaction occurs between green leafy vegetables and fatty foods that dissolves all calories. So, doubling up the lettuce on your bacon double cheeseburger or ham and cheese on rye removes the calories. If you have it with a Diet Coke you might get light headed from a lack of sustenance, so be sure to have a cookie, too, to keep your strength up (just be sure the cookie isn’t broken!).
If you eat something because your kid took a bite and didn’t like it, or if you eat the last serving in a dish to save the hostess from having to put it away, or if you had seconds just to stroke the self-esteem of the chef there are no calories in that food due to the Physics Theorem of Karma.
For every serving of nasty tasting healthy food you eat solely to keep peace in the family one serving of dessert or bacon of equal or lessor size will have no calories due to a corollary of the Physics Theorem of Karma.
Due to the Law of Food Thermodynamics for Marriage Preservation, for every serving of your mother-in-law’s Casserole That Smells Like Armpits you eat without complaint you can eat two serving of chocolate or an entire bag of pork rinds calorie free. You are also entitled to the good lovin’, but that is a topic for another column.
Food eaten while driving on the freeway has no calories because calories cannot travel over 50 miles per hour.
Food eaten to stay awake during the slide show of your sister’s 54 entries into the county fair’s table setting competition or your uncle’s 6 hour video complete with monotone narration of the Civil War battle fields of the entire state of Virginia, as seen through his motor home’s window, while traveling 75 miles per hour on the expressway have no calories due to the extra calories burned transferring energy to the “Stay Awake” part of the brain. This follows the same calorie usage physics principle that the donuts at business meetings do.
Any cookies, milk, or other goodies consumed on behalf of fictional characters are calorie free due to the Santa Clause of Physics.
Nature’s Eyes shared great tips about ice cream and leftovers. Eat all the ice cream you want – calorie free. Apparently, the calories are frozen out of it. This is a great way to stay cool while maintaining bathing suit shape this summer. And, leftovers have no calories because the calories were consumed in the first servings. Great to know come midnight snacking time. Thanks, Nature’s Eyes!
Doni pointed out that calories consumed while carb loading in preparation for a marathon don’t count, whether the marathon is to be run days, weeks, or years in the future. Such a good fitness and nutrition point! Thanks, Doni!
I’m sure we’ll all need a new wardrobe by Valentine’s Day!
Laugh Out Loud!
Do you have any calorie absorption reduction techniques to add? Have you made any resolutions this year? How’s it going? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.