I’m Somebunny

I’m  Somebunny

by Gina Valley

We’re all exhausted from traveling.   We just got home from a couple days of services for my husband’s mom.

I’m always amazed at how tired sitting all day while traveling makes us.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley I’m Somebunny Easter Candy Traveling

My kids are crashed in bed, so it’s time for me to morph into the Easter Bunny and fill baskets with all kinds of goodies.  I will, of course, reserve the right to claim my 10% of all chocolate.

I’m really just tasting it to make sure that it’s good.  I’m a giver like that.  Especially with those little chocolate eggs wrapped in foil.  Those are so yummy.  I sample several of each color to make sure they are all equally delicious.  Attention to detail matters.

Now, if I could find the tape, I could seal up these baskets so I’m not tempted to sample any more.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley I’m Somebunny Easter Candy TravelingAnd, has anyone seen that big roll of cellophane I bought to wrap the baskets in?  Maybe we’ll go with aluminum foil this year.

Happy Easter to you and yours.

May your chocolate never melt and may your black jelly beans be few and far between.

Laugh Out Loud!                                        

-gina

Who is the Easter Bunny at your house?  What’s your favorite Easter treat?  Do you like the black jelly beans?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

If There’s Stale Donuts & Glazed Eyes, It Must Be A Meeting

If There’s Stale Donuts & Glazed Eyes, It Must Be A Meeting

I’m finally home. Yay! 

Actually, I’m home while I’m typing this, but by the time you read it, I’ll be out the door again.  Fortunately, I’m only out for meetings an hour or so away from home. 

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother About Contact Gina Valley Meetings RetroGina Traveling DonutsI can come home for dinner, which my kids have made clear they are hoping I’ll have time to make.  Apparently, after a weekend of no parents and all the premade junkie food they always beg for, they’ve decided they prefer mom’s cooking.

I didn’t even say, “I told you so.”  I am the epitome of self-control.

Wrapping up our Week of RetroGina I think, being as I’ve spent so much of my time on the road this past week in meetings, that we should visit my Do We HAVE To Have A Meeting For EVERYTHING? post.   This post is a reader favorite.  I think that’s because you all join me in the general abhorrence of meetings, and the waste of valuable time they so frequently are.

You can read my Do We HAVE To Have A Meeting For EVERYTHING? post in its entirety below, or, for you hardcore  purists, you can click on one of these magic links to read it in its original location.  Totally up to you.  Seize the day in your own way.

Either way, I’ll meet you there.  You bring the carrots (no chocolate for me this week – gotta diet after a week of restaurant food on the road); I’ll bring the laughs.

Do We HAVE To Have A Meeting For EVERYTHING?

So this woman says to me, “We get together to figure out more ways to have fun with our children.”

I was at one of my kids’ functions (why does “kids’ functions” make me immediately think of poop?) recently chatting with a woman I had met once or twice before at one of these things.

She was in a perfectly pressed, crisp white linen suit.  Her shoes matched her bag and not a hair was out of place.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother About Contact Gina Valley Meetings RetroGina Traveling DonutsMy hair is always outof control. And, I was hoping the decade old t-shirt I was wearing was long enough to cover the stain on my jeans.  I was thankful I had a new pair of rear-kicking heels on or I might have felt very intimidated.

She had just invited me to a weekly meeting she leads and went on to explain, “We get together to figure out more ways to have fun with our children.”

What am I supposed to say to that?

How do you turn that down?

What do you say? “Uh…duh…I don’t want to have more fun with my kids.”

You can’t say THAT!

How about:

I have a note.

I have a medical condition.

I only speak Korean.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother About Contact Gina Valley Meetings RetroGina Traveling DonutsHow do you politely say, “You seem like a nice person, but instead of sitting around sipping coffee and discussing ways to select and arrange age appropriate games for my children, I’d rather be at home with them, hiding on the patio outside our family room with the new universal remote I bought, and changing the channel randomly through the window while their dad is trying to watch TV?”

Or making cookie dough with them and having it for dinner.

Or letting them (ok, I’m not really letting them; I just pretend I am for my pride) beat me at video games.

I don’t want to go to your meeting.  In fact, I don’t even want you to go to your meeting.  I don’t think anyone needs to go to a meeting to figure out ways to have fun with their kids.

You’ve already got the kids.  Ask them!

When did we as a society become so dependent on these artificial means of passing on information?  When did we completely let go of common sense?

I’m all for being prepared and well-educated, but when did we forget that we must at some point stop equipping and start doing or we will be the best equipped people who never did anything ever?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother About Contact Gina Valley Meetings RetroGina Traveling DonutsHas it not occurred toanyone that if we stopped meeting to talk about what we want to do we might have more time to actually do it?

Have you heard the joke about the productivity meetings? It goes something like this: We are going to continue to meet every day all day long until we can figure out why no one is getting anything done!

If I knew this woman well, and my close friends can attest to this, I would have laughed and told her to cancel the stupid meeting, change into some jeans, and sit in the mud with her kids.

But, I don’t know her well, so I decided to handle it like the adult I am and do the only mature thing I could do in that situation.

I told her I was moving to Yemen.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Got meetings? Do you hate them as much as I do? Been at a dumb one? I’d love to hear all about it, so please drop me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

 

What’s SCARIER Than Zombies?

What’s SCARIER Than Zombies?

I’m still out in the business travel jungle, so we’re continuing with our week of RetroGina posts.  Today, we will revisit my Who ARE These People? post.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Relatives People Changing Patience Mystery Cake Of The DayThis post was inspired by my parents.  It’s a consistent reader favorite, and continues to ring true in our family.  I hope it’ll bring lots of giggles to yours.

You can read my Who ARE These People? post below in its entirety, or, for you purists, you can click one of the awesome links and scoot on over to the original post and read it there.  Totally your call.  Feel the power.

Either way, I’ll meet you at Who ARE These People? so we can share some laughs.

Who ARE These People?

I try to take my kids the 1400-ish miles to visit my parents a couple times a year.

But I can’t.

We can go to their house.  We can visit the people who live there and look just like my parents.  But they are not my parents.

I don’t know who these people are, but they are not my parents.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Relatives People Changing Patience Mystery Cake Of The DayMy mom never baked a “Cake of the Day,” or, right before bedtime, or anytime for that matter, never encouraged us to “Have another big piece of cake or two to finish it up”because there’ll be a new cake baked in the morning.  Today’s Cake of The Day was chocolate, by the way.

My parents never let the dog sleep in our rooms, much less our beds.  Heck, our dogs were rarely allowed to hang out indoors at all.  I know my parents would never let their giant golden retriever beg for and receive food from the dinner table.  And breakfast table.  And lunch table.  And snack table.

My parents never said that we could “watch whatever you like” on TV, or “Let’s watch another movie. You can sleep in if you’re too tired in the morning.”  I grew up under the impression that staying up late and sleeping in was a character flaw.  These people encourage everyone in the house to do it, and occasionally join in themselves.  Who are they?

My parents never loaded us into the car for a trip, be it to Grandma’s house, Disneyland, or the mall, after 5:00AM.  Usually, 4:00AM was the goal.  We were told we “have to get an early start” so often that I thought it was a federal law.  These people scoffed at the idea of waking my kids before 8:00AM to start packing up our van for our trip.  “Let them sleep,” they said.  “They’re young.  They need to sleep.”  What?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Relatives People Changing Patience Mystery Cake Of The DayMy parents would never hire someone to bring in a crane to remove a couple of the 150 foot tall pine trees in the forest in their “backyard” to make a better sledding run.  I believe we were told to “steer around” any obstacles in our path while sledding.  Steer around?  How do you steer around?  Does that mean bounce off? ‘Cause that’s what we did!

My dad would never make a tool for girls who don’t want to touch the fish they just caught to hold up their quarry for a photo without having to touch the slimy, flapping thing.  I was told that slime was good for my skin and would keep them soft.  As I recall my soft hands stank for a week after each fishing trip.

My parents would never say that children shouldn’t help with chores while they’re visiting their grandparents.  I don’t know who these people are who keep singing the “They’re on vacation.  They don’t have to help,” refrain every time I tell one of my kids to take out the trash or to clear the table, but I know they aren’t my parents.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Relatives People Changing Patience Mystery Cake Of The DayMy parents would never have a candy dish they constantly refill throughout the day so as to ensure children had an unending source of sugar readily available to them.  I don’t know who these people are who laugh about the trail of candy wrappers through their house, and say, “Isn’t that Sweet?”  Isn’t that sweet?  I don’t know.  I’m too confused to think.  I remember candy wrapper dropping costing me candy privileges for a week when I was a kid.

They don’t mind feet on the couch or toys everywhere, and just said, “We can vacuum tomorrow!”

Who are these people? And can I get that chocolate cake recipe?

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What are/were your grandparents like?  Did your parents disappear, too, when they became grandparents?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Thank you for reading!

 

Are You Feeling Lucky?

Are You Feeling Lucky?

by Gina Valley

As I mentioned before, I’m travelling this week (all business – no fun, well, I do always manage to find a little fun). Since the Extend Time Gods have been unwilling to extend time for me, I’ve decided to go with RetroGina Week this week on the blog.

Thinking about sitting in the car so much today, I remembered the first time (it was so much fun we repeated it) one of my kids (no one ever claimed responsibility. Go figure) left a box of crayons on the rear dash board of our car and created a lovely, rainbow-colored lake of wax that we never could get rid of completely. 

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Arts Crafting Supplies Disaster Destruction Travel RetroGina

Every time that car interior got heated up, the wax would seep out of the top of the upholstery and into the unlucky passenger’s hair.  Instant, water-proof, surprise highlighting.  It was excellent.

Children create some amazing things with arts and crafts supplies.  Sometimes mine even use them to make actual art or crafts.  Usually, they use them in much more “creative” ways.

In keeping with the arts and crafts theme, today’s RetroGina post is my Kids Crafting. Wanton Destruction. It’s a Fine Line post.  This is another favorite post with you, my dear readers.  It is the 10th most read post overall on the blog.

You can read my Kids Crafting. Wanton Destruction. It’s a Fine Line post  in its entirety below, or, for you hardcore readers, you can click on one of these funky links and travel by the magic of the internet to the original post. 

Either way, remember to wear a hat if you sit in the back seat of our car if you don’t want to experience the complimentary hair highlighting we’re offering this month.

Kids Crafting. Wanton Destruction. It’s a Fine Line

So, the parenting magazines and playground mommies finally guilted you into setting up a craft area for your kids.  Great!!!  Now you’re wondering which of the 5 billion different items in the craft aisle at your local discount store to hoard and bring home.  No worries!  I’ve made a list to guide you.  Breathe slowly. You can do this. Probably.

  • Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Arts Crafting Supplies Disaster Destruction Travel RetroGinaCrayons – these little gems are supposed to be for coloring pictures on paper.   But, my kids use these to make free form wick-less candles in the backseat of our van.  (Note: nothing will remove these creations from the upholstery except the fabric of a new boss’ suit when she unknowingly sits on them)

 

  • Pencils – these age-old standbys can produce delicate drawings with shading and texture.  But, around my house they are more commonly used to produce trips to the emergency room to check for scratched corneas, particularly if being “shared” with siblings.

 

  • Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Arts Crafting Supplies Disaster Destruction Travel RetroGinaPlastic Safety Scissors – these are a miracle tool in the hands of a child.  Although any adult would be hard pressed to get these to cut through tissue paper, any 2 year old can easily use plastic safety scissors to cut through the thick leather on daddy’s recliner to see why it’s so puffy, or to cut eye holes to peek out of through the living room drapes.  My kids have also given surprise hair make overs to their dad, their siblings, and the dog, all while the victim…uh…lucky recipient slept.

 

  • Glue sticks – these should be renamed “Don’t You Wish We Had Some Glue” sticks because  no matter how many you own, they will all dematerialize the second you work on a project after the stores close. Well, not all of them.  You can always find that one useless, shriveled up, rock-hard one.   When glue sticks are around my kids prefer to use them to create 3-D drawings on the bathroom mirror, as belly button filler, or as a lip balm that keeps on giving.

 

  • Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Arts Crafting Supplies Disaster Destruction Travel RetroGinaPermanent Markers – these seem like a great idea, just like a lot of other terrible ideas seemed like a great idea. Like rice cakes.  And home bikini waxing.  Seems like we could use permanent markers to label items such as backpacks, clothing, and lunch boxes.  But, no such luck.  No permanent marker worth its salt is findable when there is anything that is supposed to be labeled permanently anywhere in the vicinity. These only turn up in the hands of children, and only when they have selected a sibling, wall, pet, or piece of furniture to label. My kids particularly love to use them to make facial tattoos, especially right before grandma is due to arrive. (Note: permanent marker can only be removed easily when doing so will result in the permanent loss of an expensive item.)

 

  • Washable “School Glue” – Note the wording on the label carefully.  It says “Washable.”  It does not say “Will wash out of stuff it’s not supposed to be on.”  Nope.  Good luck with that!  My kids like to use “School Glue” to make books into solid blocks, to create clothes that stand on their own (this is just one of the techniques they use to create that), and to secure drawers permanently shut.  No one will admit it, but I know someone used it to make the dog’s ears stiff last Christmas.  He looked like he could fly!

 

  • Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Arts Crafting Supplies Disaster Destruction Travel RetroGinaTransparent Tape – No matter how many rolls of this you buy, you will never be able to find one during an actual tape-necessitating situation.  Make peace with that now. When your kids need it to make their faces scary to frighten siblings or pets, or to wrap thick layers around Barbies to produce Barbie Mummies, or to attach artwork to the new HDTV screen in the family room they will have no trouble finding multiple rolls around the house, even if you have never owned any.  My kids have also been known to use it to wax daddy’s legs while he naps.

These items are all available at discount and craft stores.   While you’re out buying them be sure to stock up on bandages and gauze, and to get the route to the nearest emergency room, as well.  Might be a good idea to double check your home insurance policy, too.

Happy Crafting!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What is your kids’ favorite tool of destruction … I mean crafting medium?   Are you a crafter person or a disaster person?   Shoot me a comment.  I look forward to hearing all about it.

 

Don’t Do THIS In A Folding Chair!!!

Don’t Do THIS In A Folding Chair!!!

It’s been a tough week.  Lots of traveling and lots of travelers to deal with.  I’m ready for it to end, so I can move on to my next over stuffed, but mainly at home, week.   All of this rushing reminds me a lot of the craziness of finals week in school, so I figured I’d run with that school theme today.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Travel Folding Chair Graduation Audience Today’s RetroGina Post  is my Death By Folding Chair – The Perils Of A Graduation Audience post.   This post is another reader favorite.  It’s in the top 5 most read posts each month, and is my 3rd most read post overall on the blog.

You can read my Death By Folding Chair – The Perils Of A Graduation Audience  post in its entirety below, or for you hardcore readers, you can click one of the handy dandy links to zoom on over to the original post.   It’s a life decision you’ll have to make for yourself.

Either way, you bring the chocolate, and I’ll bring the laughs.

Cue the Pomp and Circumstance music here.

Death By Folding Chair – The Perils Of A Graduation Audience

So, you want to be a graduation audience member?  Let’s see if you’ve got the endurance, savvy, and possibly even stupidity necessary to make the grade.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Travel Folding Chair Graduation AudienceAhhh – the audience – that group of adoring fans that entertains delusions of homicide as the ceremony plods along.  At least a lot of them are darn entertaining, even if it is for all the wrong reasons!

By the end of the ceremony those of us in the audience who have survived have bonded like hostages being held in the desert.  We are hesitant to leave our new found friends, and yet sick of the sight of each other.

A few questions pop into my mind as I consider that ragtag group of sweaty individuals sticking to the chairs behind the graduates.

Is there some reason that people understand they need to dress up to attend a graduation ceremony, but apparently think bras are optional?  If you are over 25 years or 120 pounds, you know that a bra is your friend, don’t you?  Do some of you more “gifted” guys realized this applies to your upper ailerons, as well?

You do realize people at graduations are bored and overheated, but not blind, right?  Why are you punishing them?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Travel Folding Chair Graduation AudienceIsn’t it bad enough that to graduate Junior has to sit there in an asbestos lined dress wearing a funny hat for 3 hours? Should he have to also suffer through having granny’s bobbing hooters knock over one of his friends?  Do you realize that kid could lose an eye?  Heck, don’t you think that everyone in a 50 foot radius is probably considering scratching theirs out?  Why don’t you get it together and rack ‘em up, or lock-n-load, or something?!?!  This isn’t the state fair, you know?

If you chose to wear low rise pants why didn’t you also choose to wear underwear? And, must you sit in front of me and bend over constantly?  Can’t you see the wisdom in having some secrets? Do you realize how hard it is to keep a 2 year old from tossing raisins into what looks like a perfectly good target from where she stands?

Instead of programs, why don’t they hand out deodorant to the audience members?  They know there won’t be a breeze, so isn’t it worth the effort even if it saves only a few lives?

And, if you’re the only one sitting in an audience of thousands holding a balloon bouquet, doesn’t it occur to you that something might be amiss with your celebratory gift choice?  Do you realize those balloons are not transparent and the people around you don’t have x-ray vision to see through them? Do you realize the knives being thrown were half attempts to pop the balloons and half attempts to take you out of the gene pool?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Travel Folding Chair Graduation Audience

You do understand that it’s standard protocol for me to snip the string of any balloon that smacks my head, right?  And, that if I’m smacked twice, I have the right to smack you with whatever I brought (FYI – I’m bringing bricks to the next graduation)?

Is there some reason those of you with air-horns, classy and elegant as those are at a University level function, have to point them at my ear prior to firing off that delightful, fun, audio enhancement?  Don’t you realize that I would keep my hearing and you would get better sound if you would raise it over your head?

And, once you’re seated, can you please stay seated?  What is the deal with the people that sit in the exact center of the 100 person long row and then climb out over everyone every ten minutes?  If your bladder is that small, shouldn’t you skip drinking, sit on the aisle, and possibly see an urologist?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Travel Folding Chair Graduation AudienceWhen the endless ceremony ends, is there a chance we could maintain a little decorum?  Must you stampede out over other audience members the second the recessional is finished?  Did you think you were being chased by the bulls in Pamplona?

And, much as I hate to mention this because I found it extremely entertaining to watch each and every time it happened, I feel in the interest of public safety I must ask, “Is everyone now aware that we are sitting on folding chairs at graduations?”  Did you not think about what would happen to you when you stood on a folding chair to take a picture?  Are you familiar with the term “That’s gonna leave a mark!”?

Did you realize that your scream, the ensuing laughter from those around you, and the siren of the approaching EMT’s would drown out that sound of the graduates’ names being read? More importantly, did you not see the 11 other people who tried and epically failed at the same stunt you decided to have a go at prior to your grand chair adventure?  Did you really think you could succeed where they had failed?  Did they use the actual Jaws of Life to extract the chair from your body?

Is there some law of physics that requires that 2 and 4 year olds, who were hyper and cranky throughout the entire ceremony, must fall asleep as the last name is read?  And, what causes their body mass to swell to nearly 5000 lbs as we attempt to carry them on the 2 ½ mile trek to the car?  And, which car did we bring?

If I see another folding chair anytime soon I may have a post audience member traumatic episode.  Quick, someone get me some iced tea!

I’ve got some questions for The Graduates in my next post.  I look forward to seeing you there!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

My previous post was directed at The Platform Party at graduations.  Be sure to check it out.  I want your knowledge base and sarcastic attitude to be complete!

What is the dumbest thing you have seen in an audience?  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it, so please drop me a comment!

 

Did I Pack My Brain?

Did I Pack My Brain?

by Gina Valley

This week I’ll be all Planes-Trains-and-Automobiles’d-out.   It’s an all travel week for me, so I’ll be using all of those (subways count as trains, right?  What about cable cars?). 

Planning to be somewhere different nearly every day for a week, requires me to do some major planning and reallocation of resources.  

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Travel Monday Wednesday Tuesday Socks Boots RetroGina

This is especially true since home isn’t one of the places I’ll be, and all of my children will be remaining there.  Just getting my pack to their schools with lunches in hand is like organizing a major troop movement. 

Company is arriving to stay with us the night I fly back home, so I’m leaving a detailed list of what needs to be completed to get ready for them with my pack and The Professor.  I know nothing on the list will get done, but at least it’ll give them all something to laugh about while I am gone.

Since it ends up, much as I often wish it wasn’t, time is actually a limited, unstretchable commodity and I realize I’m already over-committed by about 10 hours a day this week, I’ve decided to go with RetroGina Week this week on the blog (Vintage Gina sounded too old and stuffy, don’t you think?).

I’ve picked out some of my favorites from the past. I hope they’ll make you giggle all over again.

So, Today’s RetroGina Post is my If It’s Wednesday And My Boot Hurts It Must Be Monday post.  It’s included here in its entirety, but for you hardcore readers I’ve included the link so you can do the click-on-over thing if you’d prefer.  We’re all about options here.

If It’s Wednesday And My Boot Hurts It Must Be Monday

My left boot felt a little snug all morning.

I was especially surprised by this because my right boot, in keeping with my latest weird trend was feeling slightly too big.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Travel Monday Wednesday Tuesday Socks Boots RetroGina(Note: My latest weird trend is my feet are shrinking or my shoes are growing.  Either way, all of my shoes are a bit loose suddenly.

I thought your feet got bigger as you got older, kinda like noses and ears. I didn’t know they shrank.  I wonder if any other body parts shrink as you get older.  I know things shift, but do they shrink?

I don’t really want my feet to shrink.  I like them the size they are.  I know they’re above average size, but I figure that gives me some extra help in keeping my balance.

It’d be cool if I could pick the body part that shrinks.  How about my rear?  I’d be ok with that shrinking significantly.  The other day I wondered who was standing behind me, and it was me.

I have volunteered repeatedly to be a chub donor, but they haven’t needed me so far.  Apparently, there is no shortage of people willing to donate body fat.  Who knew Americans could be so giving, so selfless?).

So anyway, my left boot felt snug.  Not really uncomfortable, just snug.  I drove the kids to school.  I walked my eighth grader to class (how much she “appreciates” and “enjoys” that is a topic for another column). I walked back to the van. I drove home.

All with a snug left boot and a loose right boot.

I went on about my business.  Did my work.   Went to meetings.  Didn’t think too much about the snug boot, except that it was odd that one boot was snug.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Travel Monday Wednesday Tuesday Socks Boots RetroGinaSo, lunchtime rolls around and I’m home and alone, so I decide to put my feet up and relax while I eat.  All you ladies will attest to the fact that boots are not easy on and off footwear.  They aren’t like pumps that we slip on and off a hundred times during a five minute phone call.  Removing or donning boots requires a bit of time, so we don’t engage in boot location transference lightly.  It is an investment in time and effort which must be given careful consideration.

But, as I realized I would be working at home for the following couple of hours, I decided it was worth the effort to remove, and later reapply my boots.

After I pulled off my boots, I wiggled my toes, as I think you are required to do by law.  They were still feeling plenty warm, each snuggly cocooned in a trouser sock, which I generally wear with boots.

But, I noticed that the toes on my left foot seemed to have an odd deformity.  As I wiggled them more and looked closely, the deformity fell off.  I realized that it was another trouser sock, scrunched up and stuck to the end of my toes. No wonder my left boot was snug. That sock had been crammed into the toe of it.

Well, duh!  If I’m wearing three socks, it must be Monday!

And, then I realized it really was Monday.   I had been mistakenly thinking it was Wednesday all day, and it took a rogue sock to get me onto the right track…er uh…day.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Travel Monday Wednesday Tuesday Socks Boots RetroGinaBecause doing something stupid is more fun when you share it with the people you love, when Son#1 got home I told him how funny I thought it was that it took an AWOL sock for me to realize it’s Monday, not Wednesday, as  I had been thinking it was all day.

He gave me his patient smile and said, “Maybe you should check the other boot for stowaways, too.”

“Why?” I asked.

He called back to me over his shoulder as he headed for the kitchen to begin his daily afterschool cookie hunt, “Because it’s Tuesday, mom.”

I think he may have already picked out the home.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Ever get that day of the week-impaired feeling?  Have you seen my keys?  Shoot me a comment.  I’d love to hear about your week.

Click on over to my Do You Hear Scraping? post for more giggles about forgetting what day it is,  or to my The Screaming You Hear Is Me post for laughs about trying to remember passwords.  The extra clicks, as always, count as cardio.

Thank you for hanging out with me! I love to share laughs with you!

A Relaxing Send Off…Not!

A Relaxing Send Off…Not!

This morning I will be herding my pack and all of our gear into our van to begin the long trek home from my parents’ house.  Packing our van to head home is always difficult due to the work of the trip fairies.

It’s also hard because it’s sad when it’s time to leave because my pack and I miss their grandparents so very much.

So, anticipating a rather stressful day I rose early and headed to the bathroom for a long, hot, relaxing shower.

Did I get a long, hot, relaxing shower?  Not so much.

I got a spider-startle induced near heart attack.

Twice!

 

 

I guess even the eight-legged woodland creatures want to give me a proper send off.  Of course, I’m pretty sure that by “proper send off” my eight-legged nemesis mean to give me a heart attack and to bite my face off.  I might be exaggerating just a tiny bit.  But, probably not.

These were some nasty, aggressive, big-as-a-car spiders.

A couple nights ago when I was in the bathroom sleepily conducting business one of these behemoth spiders came running under the bathroom door at full speed straight toward me.  I probably would have jumped up and clung to the ceiling had I not been currently involved in the aforementioned transaction of business.

I had no weapons with which to defend myself at my disposal, save the rug around the toilet.  My mobility was obviously seriously limited due, again, to the aforementioned business being conducted, so I, in what can only be described Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Gina Valley Spider Spiders Shower Travel Relax Startle Video Trip Fairy Fairies as an agile, ninja-like movement managed to flip the rug into the air with my foot causing it to fly through the air, landing in a crumpled heap on top of the offending running arachnid.

I held my breath, while quickly filing the necessary paperwork, keeping one eye on the pile of rug in the center of what is fortunately an enormous bathroom.  If that rug had moved I would have dropped dead right there on the porcelain throne.  I wonder how they would have dressed up that embarrassing fact in the eulogy?!?!

Fortunately, the rug remained still and the jumbo bug eater remained hidden amongst its folds while I washed my hands and backed out of the room, all the while keeping one eye focused on the heap of rubber backed polyester blend in the center of the room.

This encounter activated my spidey-sense.  I carefully scanned the floors and walls of the hall and my bedroom for my eight-legged attacker’s cousins.  I was relieved to find none.

Then, I made the mistake of deciding to plug in my laptop battery charger.

There by the outlet, ready to eat me alive was Spider1’s larger cousin, Spider2.  It’s like he knew that I had no shoes in the room to smash him as he started toward me.  But, I’m nothing if not quick-witted (or maybe nothing like quick-witted.  I forget which).  My eyes darted around the room and spied a large, empty, glass vase.  I grabbed it and deftly, and by deftly I mean while shaking and screaming, put it upside down over my many legged tormentor.

(Just a note in case you’re ever visiting my home:  Never lift what appears to be a randomly over-turned vessel of any kind, be it teacup, vase, drinking glass, or bucket, unless you have been cleared for Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Gina Valley Spider Spiders Shower Travel Relax Startle Video Trip Fairy Fairies sudden, startling experiences by a cardiologist.  I have a habit of leaving little spider prisons throughout our home and for forgetting to notify the local game warden that I have procured a catch-and-now-needs-to-be-released individual.  I tell the Professor that I‘m just trying to help him get a good cardio workout in because I know how much he hates to go to the gym)

Having caught my second wall-crawler, I did what any other mature, level-headed adult would do.  I went to wake up my kid to ask him to get rid of the spiders.  But, realizing it was nearly 3AM, I stopped myself.   I couldn’t wake him up for that.  He’d think I’d lost my mind.  Again.  So, again, functioning as a mature, level-headed adult I decided not to ask him to handle my spider problem for me … until he woke up in the morning.

I’m thoughtful like that!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

How was your morning?   Shoot me a comment.   I’m looking forward to hearing all about it!

Who ARE These People?

Who ARE These People?

by Gina Valley

I try to take my kids the 1400-ish miles to visit my parents a couple times a year.

But I can’t.

We can go to their house.  We can visit the people who live there and look just like my parents.  But they are not my parents.

I don’t know who these people are, but they are not my parents.

My mom never baked a “Cake of the Day,” or, right before bedtime, or anytime for that matter, never encouraged us to “Have another big piece of cake or two to finish it up”Humor Funny Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Kid Kids Child Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Gina Valley Grandparents Grandparenting Grandpa Grandma Grandkid Grandkids Grandchild Grandchildren Cake  Dog TV Begging Movie Sled Sledding fish Fishing Candy Dish because there’ll be a new cake baked in the morning.  Today’s Cake of The Day was chocolate, by the way.

My parents never let the dog sleep in our rooms, much less our beds.  Heck, our dogs were rarely allowed to hang out indoors at all.  I know my parents would never let their giant golden retriever beg for and receive food from the dinner table.  And breakfast table.  And lunch table.  And snack table.

My parents never said that we could “watch whatever you like” on TV, or “Let’s watch another movie. You can sleep in if you’re too tired in the morning.”  I grew up under the impression that staying up late and sleeping in was a character flaw.  These people encourage everyone in the house to do it, and occasionally join in themselves.  Who are they?

My parents never loaded us into the car for a trip, be it to Grandma’s house, Disneyland, or the mall, after 5:00AM.  Usually, 4:00AM was the goal.  We were told we “have to get an early start” so often that I thought it was a federal law.  These people scoffed at the idea of waking my kids before 8:00AM to start packing up our van for our trip.  “Let them sleep,” they said.  “They’re young.  They need to sleep.”  What?

My parents would never hireHumor Funny Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Kid Kids Child Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Gina Valley Grandparents Grandparenting Grandpa Grandma Grandkid Grandkids Grandchild Grandchildren Cake  Dog TV Begging Movie Sled Sledding fish Fishing Candy Dish someone to bring in a crane to remove a couple of the 150 foot tall pine trees in the forest in their “backyard” to make a better sledding run.  I believe we were told to “steer around” any obstacles in our path while sledding.  Steer around?  How do you steer around?  Does that mean bounce off? ‘Cause that’s what we did!

My dad would never make a tool for girls who don’t want to touch the fish they just caught to hold up their quarry for a photo without having to touch the slimy, flapping thing.  I was told that slime was good for my skin and would keep them soft.  As I recall my soft hands stank for a week after each fishing trip.

My parents would never say that children shouldn’t help with chores while they’re visiting their grandparents.  I don’t know who these people are who keep singing the “They’re on vacation.  They don’t have to help,” refrain every time I tell one of my kids to take out the trash or to clear the table, but I know they aren’t my parents.

Humor Funny Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Kid Kids Child Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Gina Valley Grandparents Grandparenting Grandpa Grandma Grandkid Grandkids Grandchild Grandchildren Cake  Dog TV Begging Movie Sled Sledding fish Fishing Candy DishMy parents would never have a candy dish they constantly refill throughout the day so as to ensure children had an unending source of sugar readily available to them.  I don’t know who these people are who laugh about the trail of candy wrappers through their house, and say, “Isn’t that Sweet?”  Isn’t that sweet?  I don’t know.  I’m too confused to think.  I remember candy wrapper dropping costing me candy privileges for a week when I was a kid.

They don’t mind feet on the couch or toys everywhere, and just said, “We can vacuum tomorrow!”

Who are these people? And can I get that chocolate cake recipe?

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Did your parents disappear, too, when they became grandparents?  Shoot me a comment.  I’d love to hear all about it!

It AIN’T Fishing If It’s With Children

It AIN’T Fishing If It’s With Children

(This post is dedicated to my dad, who has done more Fishing With Children than any person I know, and still loves to do it.  And, who, I think, might be a little crazy.  In a good way.)

We’ve done a lot ofHumor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Gina Valley Fishing Grandpa Grandparents Bait Hooks Worms Life Jacket Hollering Celebrate Pull-Up Xanax fishing this trip, and I’ve come to realize something about fishing.

There are only two kinds of fishing.

There is “Fishing.”  And, there is “Fishing With Children.”  These are two mutually exclusive activities.

Some people think these are variations of the same activity.  They are wrong.

Moreover, once the cross has been made from Fishing to Fishing With Children it is not possible to switch back.  Yes, you might have a temporary return to your former Fishing days, but ultimately you will spend the majority, if not all, of your fish hunting efforts engaged in Fishing With Children.

Fishing With Children is fun.  It’s rewarding.  It’s worth the effort.  But, make no mistake – it ain’t Fishing.

Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Gina Valley Fishing Grandpa Grandparents Bait Hooks Worms Life Jacket Hollering Celebrate Pull-Up Xanax People return from Fishing filthy, exhausted, and either happy or angry.

People return from Fishing With Children filthy, exhausted, and comatose.

During Fishing, people stand or sit quietly, hoping not to disturb the shy fish.

During Fishing With Children, people, depending on their age, stand, sit, skip, dive, dance, whine, cry, giggle, complain, sing, argue, hug, yell, scream, and laugh – they laugh a lot – hoping fearless, deaf fish live nearby.

During Fishing, people bait hooks.

During Fishing With Children people try to bait hooks but are hampered because their 4-year-old spilled the worms,Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Gina Valley Fishing Grandpa Grandparents Bait Hooks Worms Life Jacket Hollering Celebrate Pull-Up Xanax and their 2-year-old ate most of them.   As they return to the bait shop for a second (and third) tub of worms, they remember the clerk saying, during the purchase of the first tub, that it’s always a good idea to get an extra tub of worms when you are Fishing With Children, and how the clerk said, “You’ll be back,” when they only purchased one.

During Fishing, people practice the delicate art of casting.

During Fishing With Children people trying to teach their children the delicate art of casting also get to practice the delicate art of “jumping in to retrieve the pole.”  Repeatedly.  “Ice the welt” is also frequently practiced.

During Fishing, people carefully reel in their lines in an effort to entice nearby fish to take the bait.

During Fishing With Children, people carefully grab their  7 year old’s life-jacket after he steps on the bait bin, trips, and nearly topples over the edge of the boat.  For the third time.  In the first hour.

Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Gina Valley Fishing Grandpa Grandparents Bait Hooks Worms Life Jacket Hollering Celebrate Pull-Up XanaxDuring Fishing, people occasionally catch fish.

During Fishing With Children no adult ever catches a fish because all adult time and effort is spent untangling children’s lines, attaching new hooks and sinkers, refereeing fishing spot claims, distributing snacks, picking up snack wrappers, rationing water, applying sunscreen, retrieving blown hats, bandaging scrapes, and attempting to find a location acceptable to an 8-year-old daughter to complete her emergency offloading.

During Fishing, when a fish is caught everyone in the area celebrates with the enthusiasm usually reserved for a life-saving hero.  There is whooping and hollering, singing and dancing.

During Fishing With Children, when a fish isHumor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Gina Valley Fishing Grandpa Grandparents Bait Hooks Worms Life Jacket Hollering Celebrate Pull-Up Xanax caught everyone in the area celebrates with the enthusiasm usually reserved for a life-saving hero.  There is whooping and hollering, singing and dancing.  Some things are the same for both.

After Fishing, people recant tales of the big fish that got away.

After Fishing With Children, people recant tales of the Pull-Up that floated away.

After Fishing, people are already planning the next trip.

After Fishing With Children, people are already planning a way to bring Xanax on the next trip.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What is your latest fish story?  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it! Please shoot me a comment with all the details.