Make The Teacher Hate You

Make The Teacher Hate You …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

School officially kicked off for my kids this week. If your schools haven’t started yet, I’m sure they will soon. .
Laugh along with this Gina’s Favorites post as you steel yourself to get your darlings, and yourself, into school mode.

How To Make The Teacher Hate You

Wondering how you can make an impression on your child’s teacher this year?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Make The Teacher Hate You ...Gina's FavoritesNo worries – I’ve got you covered!

Encourage your child to change his name every day. The teacher will appreciate this extra bit of creative effort.

Be sure to point out repeatedly your child has received high marks from every one of her previous teachers. Also, be sure to mention that several knowledgeable people have suggested your child could probably just skip this year’s grade, as she is so gifted.

Pack something leaky in your child’s lunch every day, preferably a sugary substance to maximize ant and roach attraction potential.

Make cookies or candy for your child’s teacher, and include a note mentioning how she “looks like someone who really likes dessert.”

Insist your child wear a new, expensive designer coat to school. Make sure you don’t label it with his name. Then, insist his teacher locate the coat when your child comes home without it, and can only remember he had it on somewhere near the basketball courts. Harass the teacher daily about this expensive wardrobe loss. Weeks later when you find the coat jammed behind your child’s headboard, don’t mention it to his teacher. You don’t want to embarrass your child.

When you send in snacks for the entire class feel free to ignore the Classmates Allergies List. Assume the teacher is skilled at Epi-Pen usage, and would welcome the opportunity to put her skills on display.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Make The Teacher Hate You ...Gina's FavoritesSend a note daily explaining how it’s the teacher’s fault your child was unable to complete his homework assignment. Again.

Make surprise, live animal donations to the classroom, such as snakes, tarantulas, and macaws. The kids will love them, and the jungle atmosphere it creates, along with the care and feeding of these critters, is sure to help your child’s teacher relax.

Point out every single tiny, insignificant grading error that is not in your child’s favor. Your child’s teacher will appreciate your efforts to help him raise his skill level.

Send in permanent markers with your child. Insist she is too talented and mature to be using those infantile, washable-type art supplies.

When your child uses the permanent markers to set up a face tattoo business at recess, her teacher will undoubtedly appreciate her initiative and will gladly explain to the other parents how vital your child’s entrepreneurship is to everyone’s growth and development.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Make The Teacher Hate You ...Gina's FavoritesDon’t bother your child’s teacher with concerns about happenings or polices in his/her classroom. Rather, take these directly to the school principal or even the district superintendent.

Send something smelly, liquid, or live for every Show & Tell time. Bonus points to you if it’s all three!

Be sure to let your child’s teacher know right away that your child is perfect, and that, if he is acting up, it’s just because he isn’t being challenged  by her teaching methods. It’s extra helpful if you bring in brochures for seminars your child’s teacher can attend to learn the proper way to teach a child gifted such as yours is.

Order a margarita machine for the classroom Christmas party.

Have your child panic when he loses his tooth at school and can’t locate it. Only after his teacher has searched for the AWOL bony appendage for a minimum of 45 minutes should your child check in his own mouth and realize he hadn’t lost the tooth at all. (Credit to Abe Yospe ‏@Cheeseboy22, who is an awesome teacher and a very funny guy)

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Make The Teacher Hate You ...Gina's FavoritesShow up at the end of the school day, as your child’s teacher is helping all of the children get ready to go home, and explain to him you’ll need all of the class lessons and homework for the following two weeks immediately, as you and your family are flying off to Aruba and have to be at the airport in less than an hour.

While you’re on the trip, don’t have your child complete any of the assignments, and be sure to lose at least one of the textbooks and to get water damage on the others.

Make it a memorable year!

Remember, No Teacher Left Behind!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do you have any favorites I should add?  Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission

Top 10 Back To School Super Powers …Gina’s Favorites

Top 10 Back To School Super Powers …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley  

Laugh along with this timely Gina’s Favorites post.

Top 10 Back To School Super Powers

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Back To School Super Powers ...Gina's Favorites

Faster than a ringing tardy bell.

More powerful than a tub of yogurt left in a backpack last June.

Able to blurt out 7×8 is 56 (remember 5,6,7,8).

It’s a caffeine-aholic. It’s a Zombie. No! It’s a Super Powered Parent.

If your kids have headed back to school, you’ll be one, too. Here’s ten of the many Super Powers you’ll develop as a result of that school bell ringing.

Top 10 Back To School Super Powers

#10.  Super Speaking – Utter never-before-heard curses daily while attempting to navigate the school parking lot.

#9.  Super Time Dissolving – Watch even your very hope of free time disappear, while assisting your children with classwork they didn’t finish at school, because they were too busy talking to the kid sitting next to them or sleeping on their desk because they were up all night playing Clash of Clans on their iPod.

#8.  Super Gaming – Hone your skills at Mom (or Dad), Who Took My…? every morning. You’ll be a master of every version of the game, including Mom, Who Took My Shoes?, Mom, Who Took My Backpack?, Mom, Who Took My Lunch?, Mom, Who Took My Retainer?, and the special private parents-only version of the game Who Took My Mind? I’ve Lost It Again!

#7.  Super Creating- Materialize a Paul Revere Costume, a birthday gift for the teacher, or 6 dozen cupcakes with less than an hour’s notice.

#6.  Super Tooting – Hone your car-horn technique, so even your neighbors hear it clearly speak, “Hurry up! We’re late!” when you ever so delicately blast it from the driveway, in a futile attempt to rush a teenage daughter, who is changing her outfit. Again. For the 13th time.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Back To School Super Powers ...Gina's Favorites

#5.  Super Signing – Perfect your autograph by signing 56,000 forms for each kid during the first week of school, after carefully filling them out and making corrections where necessary. As a bonus, you’ll finally memorize your own cell phone number after writing it on every one of those forms, in the kids’ backpacks, and on your youngest son’s forehead.

#4.  Super Scaling – Conquer mountains of laundry so tall they’re thought only to be the stuff of legends. After all, when school is in session, if they have even thought about trying something on, kids think it needs to go through the laundry again.

#3.  Super Speed – Drop your mile time by running through the morning circuit training of dashing from room to room, re-waking up the kids you’ve already woke up twice.

#2.  Super Mind Reading – Practice your clairvoyance as your daughter assumes you know she wants to wear her 5 Seconds of Summer t-shirt on Wednesday to match Lindsey, your son assumes you know his pockets have snails in them, and they all assume you know what those papers the teacher sent home with them said, even though they never gave them to you.

#1.  Super Cloning – Bring snacks to a soccer game, measure kids for their drama costumes, and pick up kids from hip hop lessons at exactly the same time, in locations that are at least 20 miles apart.

I’d love to see Superman or Wonder Woman try this gig.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Are your children heading back to school? Which Super Power do you use most? Shoot me a comment! I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission

How To Make The Teacher Hate You …Gina’s Favorites

How To Make The Teacher Hate You …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

School officially kicked off for my kids this week. If your children’s schools haven’t started yet, I’m guessing they will soon. So, I figured my How To Make The Teacher Hate You post would be perfect for this week’s Throwback Day.

Laugh along with this Gina’s Favorites post.

How To Make The Teacher Hate You

Wondering how you can make an impression on your child’s teacher this year?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley How To Make The Teacher Hate You ...Gina's Favorites Back To SchoolNo worries – I’ve got you covered!

Encourage your child to change his name every day.

Be sure to point out repeatedly your child has received high marks from every one of her previous teachers. Also, be sure to mention that several knowledgeable people have suggested your child could probably just skip this year’s grade, as she is so gifted.

Pack something leaky in your child’s lunch every day, preferably a sugary substance to maximize ant and roach attraction potential.

Make cookies or candy for your child’s teacher, and include a note mentioning how she “looks like someone who really likes dessert.”

Insist your child wear a new, expensive designer coat to school. Make sure you don’t label it with his name. Then, insist his teacher locate the coat when your child comes home without it and can only remember he had it on somewhere near the basketball courts. Harass the teacher daily about this expensive wardrobe loss. Weeks later when you find the coat jammed behind your child’s headboard, don’t mention it to his teacher. You don’t want to embarrass your child.

When you send in snacks for the entire class feel free to ignore the Classmates Allergies List. Assume the teacher is skilled at Epi-Pen usage, and would welcome the opportunity to put her skills on display.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley How To Make The Teacher Hate You ...Gina's Favorites Back To SchoolSend a note daily explaining how it’s the teacher’s fault your child was unable to complete his homework assignment. Again.

Make surprise, live animal donations to the classroom, such as snakes, tarantulas, and macaws. The kids will love them and the jungle atmosphere it creates, along with the care and feeding of these critters, is sure to help your child’s teacher relax.

Point out every single tiny, insignificant grading error that is not in your child’s favor. Your child’s teacher will appreciate your efforts to help him raise his skill level.

Send in permanent markers with your child. Insist she is too talented and mature to be using those infantile, washable-type art supplies.

When your child uses the permanent markers to set up a face tattoo business at recess, her teacher will undoubtedly appreciate her initiative and will gladly explain to the other parents how vital your child’s entrepreneurship is to everyone’s growth and development.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley How To Make The Teacher Hate You ...Gina's Favorites Back To SchoolDon’t bother your child’s teacher with concerns about happenings or polices in his/her classroom. Rather, take these directly to the school principal or even the district superintendent.

Send something smelly, liquid, or live for every Show & Tell time.  Bonus points to you if it’s all three!

Be sure to let your child’s teacher know right away that your child is perfect, and that, if he is acting up, it’s just because he isn’t being challenged  by her teaching methods. It’s extra helpful if you bring in brochures for seminars your child’s teacher can attend to learn the proper way to teach a child gifted such as yours is.

Order a margarita machine for the classroom Christmas party.

Have your child panic when he loses his tooth at school and can’t locate it. Only after his teacher has searched for the AWOL bony appendage for a minimum of 45 minutes should your child check in his own mouth and realize he hadn’t lost the tooth at all. (Credit to Abe Yospe ‏@Cheeseboy22, who is an awesome 1st grade teacher and a very funny guy)

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley How To Make The Teacher Hate You ...Gina's Favorites Back To SchoolShow up at the end of the school day, as your child’s teacher is helping all of the children get ready to go home, and explain to him you’ll need all of the class lessons and homework for the following two weeks immediately, as you and your family are flying off to Aruba and have to be at the airport in less than an hour.

While you’re on the trip, don’t have your child complete any of the assignments, and be sure to lose at least one of the textbooks and to get water damage on the others.

Make it a memorable year!

Remember, No Teacher Left Behind!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What else should I add to this list?  Shoot me a comment – I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission

Glue Sticks Are The Devil!!!

Glue Sticks Are The Devil!!!

by Gina Valley

If there’s a greater minion of evil than the glue stick, I have yet to come across it.

Like Satan himself, or “Stan” as my youngest calls him (my apologies to anyone named “Stan.” I’m sure you’re a wonderful person, Stan, and not at all the leader of all that is evil in the Universe. But, my youngest just can’t seem to pronounce that word any other way), glue sticks seem to be, upon first sight, beautifully helpful items.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Glue Sticks Are The Devil SchoolThen, they steal your soul.

Or, at least your will to live.

You first spot these innocent-looking shafts of stickiness, neatly packaged, in large bins at the front of every big box discount store on the planet. They’re displayed in this prominent manner for weeks on end, all through the summer school break, right up until you decided it’s time to purchase some for your kids for the upcoming school year.

At that point, the glue sticks instantly vanish. The only evidence of their existence left behind is a tiny, empty space on the office supplies aisle, labelled with a price tag 10 times what it was when the glue sticks congregated in the giant bins.

I assume the price increase is due to the tremendously labor intensive process required to remove the packages from the bin, transfer said packages through the store to the office supply aisle, and to slide the metal bar on the display rack into that triangular hole at the top of the package. I’m sure that’s a lot more difficult than it looks.

If you do manage to spot a few stragglers, left behind as the herd made its rapid retreat, grab as many as you can. It’s not a matter of how many you need. It’s a matter of how many you can get. It’s kind of like canned goods hoarding on The Walking Dead. Just get as much as possible. You can figure out what to do with it later.

You’ll notice a couple basic differences among the glue stick quarry you happen to catch. There are large and small glue sticks. Most of the glue sticks are small. As a kid-wrangler, you’ll immediately recognize the purpose, then, of the large glue sticks is to cause your children to get into a fist fight over who gets the large glue sticks, and who gets stuck with the clearly inferior, easier-to-actually-use, smaller glue sticks.

Perhaps, if you’re terribly unlucky, you’ll bag one of the rare, glittery glue sticks. The purpose of these sparkly sticks is to cause your child to have a major meltdown, followed by an epic tantrum, when you attempt to explain to him that you’re not going to spend 6 times as much for a glue stick with glitter in the glue, because you won’t be able to see the glitter anyway when it is used to glue 2 pieces of paper together.

Be prepared for this fit by bringing along some tissue.

And, Xanax.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Glue Sticks Are The Devil School

The last major difference between glue sticks is the color of the actual stick of glue. Most are white. Some are purple. At first glance, the color difference may seem like a re-run of the glittery glue stick battles waiting to happen. But, au contraire.

The purple color in some of the glue sticks is evidence the glue stick syndicate actually listened to some parents or teachers, and attempted to make glue sticks a bit easier to use. When the purple glue stick is rubbed on paper it’s easy to see where it’s been applied. Not so with the transparent glue from the white glue stick.

With the advent of the purple glue stick, gone are the days when kindergarteners would continue to rub glue stick onto the back of paper until the glue was completely gone, and the plastic base was tearing holes into their artwork. This diligence was necessary to be sure they’d covered the entire piece of paper, themselves, and their desk with a thick layer of stickiness to guarantee their artwork held together for all of eternity.

The only trouble with the purple glue sticks is getting your child to believe the purple color will disappear from their artwork as the glue dries. It’s not an easy sell the first couple of times. Bribing might be necessary to convince your 5 year old to even try it.
Your 3 year old, however, will need no convincing. She’ll love the purple glue sticks so much that, while you’re still busy trying to convince your 5 year old of its merits, she’ll open a package, right there in the big box store, and apply the purple glue stick to her lips.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Glue Sticks Are The Devil School

Upon seeing her purple lips you’ll immediately panic, thinking she’s experiencing a serious circulatory problem. Hearing her mumble, apparently unable to open her mouth, your panic will likely increase.

But, when you notice her lips are significantly stickier than usual, and see the glue stick with its purple-ness in her hand, you’ll realize what’s really happening. You’ll understand what she’s been trying through her sealed lips to say all along:

She’s wearing “wipstick.”

Seeing teeth marks in the tiny remaining piece of the glue stick, you’ll frantically search for the package, hoping the glue stick isn’t poisonous.

Usually about the time the Poison Control Center places you on hold, your 4 year old will pull the package out of his pants to start gnawing on it. You’ll be relieved to see that it’s labeled “non-toxic” (the package, not his pants), and breathe a sigh of relief.

You’ll calm down, and your mind will slip back into normal parenting mode.

You’ll wonder whether your 3 year olds lips are permanently sealed together.

You’ll wonder whether that purple color is going to fade before your mother visits.

And, you’ll wonder whether, since she already ate the better part of a glue stick, you still need to feed your 3 year old dinner today.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Has your summer flown by? When do schools start in your area? Anyone consuming school supplies in your neck of the woods? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing what you think.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Games I’ll Miss When School’s Out

Games I’ll Miss When School’s Out

by Gina Valley

My children’s school year draws to a close this week. And, along with it, many of the games I played on a daily basis.

My pack worked hard to develop these games to keep me busy. They didn’t want me to have free time on my hands, and end up joining a gang. They’re givers. Truly givers.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Games I’ll Miss When School’s Out Summer School BreakI’ll miss playing Guess What’s Behind Door #1. I loved the feeling I’d get when I returned home from taking my kids to school, walked into our entryway, and saw a backpack, a stack of textbooks, a musical instrument or two, and various sports paraphernalia there, all of which were, apparently, invisible to my pack as they rushed out through that same entry way on their way to school.

I’ll have to do without the heart-racing challenge of Beat The “I Forgot…” Call. Each morning, upon returning home after delivering my progeny to their various educational institutions, I’d dash into my office and race to finish whatever work was pushing its deadline that day before I’d get the “I Forgot” call or IFC, as I like to call it. The question was not “Will I get the IFC?” The question was how many IFC’s I would get.

I’d get at least one IFC every morning. Sometimes I’d get two or even three. Once I got eight, which is an especially impressive display of forgetfulness on the part of my offspring, since there are only seven of them.

It’s hard to say who will miss playing Guess What Your Kid Did? more, me or the school principals. I’ve had surprise bonding sessions with the principals at each of my children’s school in order to answer a variety of questions, most of which start with “Mrs. Valley, are you aware that your child…?” …had a Samuari sword in her locker? …is the only 2nd grader wearing 4’heels? …disconnected the water pipe from the sink in the students’ bathroom? …brought a boa constrictor to home economics? …glued the substitute teacher to a chair? …filled all of the violins with squirty cheese?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Games I’ll Miss When School’s Out Summer School BreakTo which I always answered as honestly as I could, “I’m sorry, but you’ve dialed the wrong number.”

And, who could forget that ‘ole favorite memory game Oh, Good, It’s Due Tomorrow? Be it with a diorama of Dora the Explorer, or a 10-page research paper about procrastination, my kids kept me entertained by never starting, much less telling me about, any project until the night before it was due.

If art supplies, poster board, or glue sticks were required, they wouldn’t mention a project until the last store within a hundred mile radius had closed for the night. They’re confident in my ability to play and win the expert level of this game.

I’m not sure how I’ll work on sharpening my dull seamstress skills now that I won’t be playing Project I Need It Today. Having to come up with the appropriate garb for school spirit days, with a maximum of 4 minutes notice, helped me hone my “Make it work!” skills.

“Reflective Day” and “Dress Like Your Favorite Farm Animal Day” were especially tough challenges. Apparently, they meant literally reflective and literally a barn animal. My lightening-speed production of a Socrates costume and an outfit to make them look like their hillbilly cousin Ned didn’t qualify. Who knew?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Games I’ll Miss When School’s Out Summer School BreakEven though my FitBit never counted it, I always assumed I got more than enough cardio in for the day while playing The Amazing Shoe Search. Before I had children, I assumed this kind of problem ended with pre-school. My 14 year old shot yet another hole through that theory just last week when he was about to get out of our van at school before he realized he didn’t have any shoes with him, much less on his feet.

And, just so you know, having to return home to get a pair of shoes does not an excused tardy make. Nor, a happy mom.

I counted on Truth Or Dare, with its soul-searching and philosophical debates, to keep my mind and principles clear. Every Friday, my 13 year old son would ask me to sign his reading log, which indicated he had read the assigned book about a girl growing up in medieval England for 30 minutes daily. He didn’t read the assigned book about a girl growing up in medieval England for 30 minutes daily. He scanned the chapter at best. I knew he was lying. He knew I knew he was lying.

So, why did I sign it? Because, it says at the top of the form that reading is the most important step in educating oneself, and I know he spent nearly 20 hours each week reading everything from Birds of North America to Sports Illustrated to The Lightening Thief. And, because I’ve read that book about the girl from Medieval England and it was lousy.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Games I’ll Miss When School’s Out Summer School Break

I supposed I’ll have to take up reading the dictionary daily now that I won’t be playing my daily game of Who Wants To Define “Ready For School”? At 7:30am, every morning, my pack was supposed to be ready for school. At 7:30am, every morning, the majority of my pack would tell me they were ready for school. At 7:30am, every morning not a single member of my pack was actually ready for school. Ever.

At 7:30am, every morning, I’d remind my pack what “Ready For School” meant. Naked isn’t “Ready For School”. Boxers-only isn’t “Ready For School”. Still in the shower isn’t “Ready For School”. Painting the dog’s toenails isn’t “Ready For School.” Wearing yesterday’s dirty clothes isn’t “Ready For School”. Screaming at the printer isn’t “Ready for School.” Looking for a pair of shoes to wear isn’t “Ready For School.”

Come to think of it, I don’t think I dropped a single kid off at school all year, who was actually “Ready For School.”

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Games I’ll Miss When School’s Out Summer School BreakBut, I think the game I’ll miss the most, which is, ironically, all about the “missing,” is Have You Seen My…?:  School Edition.  There are editions of this game for every occasion and activity, but the School Edition is the one I play most frequently. Have you seen my…math book, trumpet, field trip permission slip, class’ hamster I brought home for the weekend, lab report about rotten eggs, box of rotten eggs…?

Thankfully, my children, ever the thoughtful creatures that they are, have already started setting up games for me to keep busy playing all summer.

Why just this morning I received a notice from the school library informing me it’s time to play What Do You Mean You Never Checked Out That Book? and How Can They Charge Us $94 For A Paper Back Picture Book?

Let the games begin!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What games will you miss when school breaks for summer? Do you have any summer games planned? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing what you think.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Send In The Clowns & Their Car Keys!!!

Send In The Clowns & Their Car Keys!!!

by Gina Valley

As is traditional with any quality 3-ring circus, The School Parking Lot 3 Ring Circus kept its audience waiting for the main event.

This built anticipation, and allowed for the distribution of water bottles and string cheese sticks amongst the audience members (be sure to get all of the giggles from Ring #1 and Ring #2 of The Parking Lot 3 Ring Circus, too).

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Send In The Clowns & Their Car Keys!!!To completely grasp the amazingness of the Main Event in the center ring, Ring #3, one has to understand a bit about Southern California school parking lots.

Long ago, when most of the schools in SoCal were being built, we had a strict neighborhood school system. Kids attended schools they could walk to. Parking lots were built only large enough to accommodate each school’s faculty and staff, with perhaps a space or two thrown in for visitors.

Now, the neighborhood school system has become the School of Choice system. This system allows parents to send their kids to nearly any school of their choosing. As a result, many kids, mine included, attend schools miles from home. Parents have to provide transportation for their children to and from the schools they select.

So, parking lots at schools with many school of choice students (my daughters’ school for the arts is exclusively attended by school of choice students) are flooded with cars as parents attempt to deliver, and then retrieve their children.

At pick up and drop off time at my daughters’ school, the parking lot, including all 4 lanes to drive through it, becomes, well, a parking lot. Cars are lined up, bumper to bumper and door to door, as they wait to inch forward toward the tiny 2 lane exit. It’s like trying to get out of the parking lot after a hockey game, but with fewer people wearing cool jerseys, and virtually no puddles of beer to navigate around.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Send In The Clowns & Their Car Keys!!!Manhattan rush hour traffic has nothing on a SoCal school parking lot at 3:00PM. Well, there is one major difference. Our afternoon jam is without the chorus of horns so often heard bouncing off of the Manhattan skyscrapers.

Except today.

And, so opened the Main Event in Ring#3.

As we all sat in our vehicles, thoroughly packed into the parking lot, awaiting our turn to move forward a foot or two at a time, some Clown decided to turn Magician.

He, apparently, decided that he’d had enough of the traffic, and that the traffic would have to go. So, he did an amazing thing. Something I’d never heard anyone do in any of the school parking lots I’ve spent what must add up to years of my life waiting in.

He began to blast his horn.

This Clown, who’s champagne colored sedan was completely boxed in on all sides, laid on his horn with vim and vigor. I’m not talking about a couple quick toots to get the attention of his clueless teenager, who was standing 20 feet away, but somehow still failed to see him. We’ve all done that.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Send In The Clowns & Their Car Keys!!!Not this guy. He pushed and held his cars horn on for a good minute at a time. Over and over and over again.

At first, I and several other drivers were concerned that he was perhaps having an emergency of some kind, and seeking help. But, he was not.

Nope.

He was just attempting to use his horn to make the 117 other cars in that parking lot disappear. Apparently, he fancied himself a Magician, and didn’t realize he was just another Clown in the The School Parking Lot 3 Ring Circus. Perhaps he was the biggest clown of all, deluded as he was.

I’m not sure if he thought he had magical powers or his horn was the key to a magical TARDIS, but either way, his show, loud though it was, was great fun to watch. My daughters were giggling about it before they even reached our van.

We giggled along with his serenade all through the long wait for our turn to exit the parking lot. We giggled all of the way to their brothers’ school. Then, they told their brothers about the Main Event, and my sons joined in on the giggling all the way home.

That’s the great thing about the circus.

Everyone goes home laughing.

And, a bit afraid of the clowns.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Click these links to get all of the giggles from Ring #1 – The Circus Parade Of Idiots: Coming To A School Parking Lot Near You!!! and Ring #2 – The School Parking Lot 3-Ring Circus, so you don’t miss any laughs.

Have you been to the circus lately? How about to the school parking lot? Are you afraid of clowns? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission

The School Parking Lot 3-Ring Circus

The School Parking Lot 3-Ring Circus

by Gina Valley

The Ring #2 of The School Parking Lot 3-Ring Circus was staged in the same parking lot on the same day, but the curtain rose after school.  Again, it was street performers, so to speak (be sure to get all of the giggles from Ring #1 and Ring #3 of The Parking Lot 3-Ring Circus, too).

As I sat in our van waiting for my daughters to join me on my quest to regroup with their siblings, the performance began.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley The School Parking Lot 3 Ring CircusI had the windows down, allowing the gentle SoCal breeze to keep me cool, and to, hopefully, flush out the smell of rotting chicken nuggets that was coming from the back seat.

I clearly heard the clowns starting to enter the ring. Clown#1 began the show by hollering, “Hey! Hey! Hey!”

Clown#2 then responded with, “What? What? What?”

I couldn’t see the clowns, as apparently the second ring of The Parking Lot 3 Ring Circus was situated behind me, but I could see the other drivers laughing already as the show began.  

It was difficult to follow the conversation, as the clowns were less than totally careful with their enunciation and word choice. But, the general gist of the performance was that Clown#2, who according to Clown#1 was a bleeping bleep bleeper (perhaps you’ve guessed that I’ve substituted “bleep” for the somewhat, shall we say “crass” word used by Clown#1), had stopped his bleeping car in the street to wait to turn into the school parking lot. Apparently, this offended Clown#1.

Clown#2 pointed out, in a less than totally genteel manner, that Clown#1 was bleeping blind (apparently these gentlemen entertainers shared a common dialect, or perhaps just a common stunted vocabulary), and if he didn’t have his bleeping head up his bleeping bleep, he would have noticed there was a line of cars a block long waiting in the street to turn into the school parking lot that Clown#1 had bleeping cut in front of.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley The School Parking Lot 3 Ring CircusThis charming dialog bounced back and forth between our two stars for a few minutes, right there in the middle of the school parking lot. The parking lot of the school both of these Clowns apparently have children attending.

The performance in Ring #2 was brought to a close by what I can only assume was either The Ring Master or The Strong Man. I couldn’t see this third player in our drama, but I heard his very deep, booming voice call out to Clown#1 and Clown#2, “Hey! Shut the bleep up (he was apparently speaking their language to maintain cohesion throughout the performance), or I will shut your bleeping traps for you. There’s moms and kids all over this place, you dumb bleeps. Show some bleeping respect and watch you mouths or I will bleeping kick both of your bleeps.”

And, so ended the performance in Ring #2.

All I could think at that point was, “Well bleeping said, my brother.”

Laugh Out Loud! – 

-gina

Click these links to get all of the giggles from Ring #1 – The Circus Parade Of Idiots: Coming To A School Parking Lot Near You!!! and Ring #3 – Send In The Clowns & Their Car Keys!!! so you don’t miss any laughs.

Seen any interesting street performers lately?  Have you added any interesting words to your vocabulary recently? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission

The Circus Parade Of Idiots

The Circus Parade Of Idiots:

Coming To A School Parking Lot Near You!!!

by Gina Valley

Nothing brings out the inner moron in people quite like driving through a school parking lot.

And, nothing causes that moronic flower to blossom quite like the stress of the first day of school.

So, when you put the two together you’ve got yourself a 3 ring circus, The School Parking Lot 3 Ring Circus.  When that happens, the best thing to do is to just sit back and watch the show (from a safe distance, preferably while wearing a sturdy helmet).

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley The Circus Parade Of Idiots: Coming To A School Parking Lot Near You!!!

The School Parking Lot 3 Ring Circus definitely came to our town this week. On the first day of school all three rings were up and running at my daughters’ school.

In the Ring #1 of The School Parking Lot 3 Ring Circus the driver of a huge pickup truck opened the performance. My youngest daughter and I had the privilege of front row seats. We were right behind the giant vehicle in the left exit lane, having just dropped off my two older daughters for their first day of school (be sure to get all of the giggles from Ring #2 and Ring #3 of The Parking Lot 3 Ring Circus, too).

As we waited in line for the signal to turn green, so we could continue along my child drop-off route, we saw the driver of this giant truck climb out. She was a tiny woman, who did in fact have to climb down to reach the ground safely. I immediately wondered how she was able to see out of the giant mechanical beast to drive it.

But, she must have been able to see well enough to spy the tiny car waiting in line to exit in front of hers, because she stormed up to it and started shouting at the driver. I couldn’t tell what she was saying (our windows were, thankfully, up), but her waving arms and stomping feet made it clear she wasn’t greeting a long, lost friend.

We were spared what was likely a colorful auditory presentation, but we still enjoyed a very dramatic mime show. I looked around at the rest of the audience, cued up as they were, and found most were in near hysterics at the spectacle. I was torn, trying to decide between laughing and calling 911. Clearly, this mime shouldn’t have been let out of the box.

I guess the driver of the miniature car wasn’t paying proper attention to the performer, because the tiny screaming woman mime started pounding on the window of the small car.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley The Circus Parade Of Idiots: Coming To A School Parking Lot Near You!!!

Then, and I am still amazed by this, the driver of the tiny car rolled down her window.

It was a surprising twist, and truly the comedic highlight of that first ring of the circus. I wondered what that driver could possibly have been thinking.  My daughter stared open-mouth at me. All I could think to tell her was, “Just think, those two bozos are raising children.”

Their performance faded to black, as the signal turned green and the audience members maneuvered their cars around the 2 still-active performers and their vehicles to exit the parking lot.

I like to think that they knew our turn signals were really applause for their memorable performance.

I had to hurry off toward the next stop on my kid drop off route.

Didn’t want to risk missing the show there.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Click these links to get all of the giggles from Ring #2 – The School Parking Lot 3 Ring Circus and Ring #3 – Send In The Clowns!!!, so you don’t miss any laughs.

Has the circus showed up at a school near you? Have you seen any side shows in a parking lot lately? How was the first day of school for your family? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission

Top 10 Back To School Super Powers

Top 10 Back To School Super Powers

by Gina Valley  

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Back To School Super Powers Back To School

Faster than a ringing tardy bell.

More powerful than a tub of yogurt left in a backpack last June.

Able to blurt out 7×8 is 56 (remember 5,6,7,8).

It’s a caffeine-aholic. It’s a Zombie.  No! It’s a Super Powered Parent.

If your kids have headed back to school, you’ll be one, too.  Here’s ten of the many Super Powers you’ll develop as a result of that school bell ringing.

Top 10 Back To School Super Powers

#10.  Super Speaking Utter never-before-heard curses daily while attempting to navigate the school parking lot.

#9.  Super Time Dissolving – Watch even your very hope of free time disappear, while assisting your children with classwork they didn’t finish at school, because they were too busy talking to the kid sitting next to them or sleeping on their desk because they were up all night playing Clash of Clans on their iPod.

#8.  Super Gaming – Hone your skills at Mom (or Dad), Who Took My…? every morning.  You’ll be a master of every version of the game, including Mom, Who Took My Shoes?, Mom, Who Took My Backpack?, Mom, Who Took My Lunch?, Mom, Who Took My Retainer?, and the special private parents-only version of the game Who Took My Mind? I’ve Lost It Again!

#7.  Super Creating- Materialize a Paul Revere Costume, a birthday gift for the teacher, or 6 dozen cupcakes with less than an hour’s notice.

#6.  Super Tooting – Hone your car-horn technique, so even your neighbors hear it clearly speak, “Hurry up! We’re late!” when you ever so delicately blast it from the driveway, in a futile attempt to rush a teenage daughter, who is changing her outfit.  Again.  For the 13th time.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Back To School Super Powers Back To School

#5.  Super Signing – Perfect your autograph by signing 56,000 forms for each kid during the first week of school, after carefully filling them out and making corrections where necessary.  As a bonus, you’ll finally memorize your own cell phone number after writing it on every one of those forms, in the kids’ backpacks, and on your youngest son’s forehead.

#4.  Super Scaling – Conquer mountains of laundry so tall they’re thought only to be the stuff of legends. After all, when school is in session, if they have even thought about trying something on, kids think it needs to go through the laundry again.

#3.  Super Speed – Drop your mile time by running through the morning circuit training of dashing from room to room, re-waking up the kids you’ve already woke up twice.

#2.  Super Mind Reading – Practice your clairvoyance as your daughter assumes you know she wants to wear her 5 Seconds of Summer t-shirt on Wednesday to match Lindsey, your son assumes you know his pockets have snails in them, and they all assume you know what those papers the teacher sent home with them said, even though they never gave them to you.

#1.  Super Cloning – Bring snacks to a soccer game, measure kids for their drama costumes, and pick up kids from hip hop lessons at exactly the same time, in locations that are at least 20 miles apart.

I’d love to see Superman or Wonder Woman try this gig.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Are you breaking out your Super Hero cape as your children head back to school? Which Super Power do you use most?  Shoot me a comment! I’m looking forward to hearing all of the details.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission

Another Near Death Experience

Another Near Death Experience

by Gina Valley

There is something about the school parking lot that brings me to the brink of considering homicide several times a week.  It’s like a near death experience.

Some people, perhaps new to parenting or new to driving or new to thinking, clearly do not understand the basic rules of behavior for driving through the school parking lot.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Totally Another Near Death Experience Bad Drivers School Parking LotThat being the case, I have prepared something of a primer, to bring them up to speed.  Consider this my public service announcement for the week.

No need to take down your sunshade before leaving your parking place. We’ve all made this mistake.  You’re parked, waiting for your kids, sun streaming through the windshield.  It gets a bit too hot, so you open up that foil pop up thingy and wedge it in the windshield.

You forget all about it, as you battle level 76 on Candy Crush against those evil chocolate pieces that keep popping up, just as you were about to have 5 blue candies in a row to earn that sprinkle covered donut hole.  Curses!

After your kids have finally wandered out to your car and began explaining to you how horrible their substitute teacher, Mrs. Hairywart, was, you back out of the parking place.  You turn around to face forward, while slipping the transmission into “drive,” and are greeted by the foil monolith you forgot to remove from your windshield.

Do not panic.  Yes, conventional wisdom teaches that you should pull over, out of the way of traffic, and safely remove and stow the sunshade, but that seems like a big hassle.  Instead, continue traveling forward using one hand to steer (safety first) and the other to push the sunshade to the side a bit, providing you with a tiny slit through which to peer.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Totally Another Near Death Experience Bad Drivers School Parking LotFeel free to steer with your knee, elbow, or gut.   There is no reason to get all OCD about steering your car.  Relax.  Keep holding your Starbucks, iPad, cell phone, and copy of 50 Shades of Gray.  You are important.  People should get out of your way.

As you approach groups of students and other vehicles, just use your foot or something to guide your vehicle as you slalom through.  After all, if using your knee is good enough to lower your window so you can make fun of the lady driving with her sunshade up, it’s good enough to use to try to swerve around the principal.  You’d think, since he works with children, that he’d be better at bobbing and weaving than he is.

Slow down. Relax. It’s not a sprint.  It’s really a skills competition.  It’s very upsetting to nearly hit a kid with your car.  Don’t be too hard on yourself.  If you narrowly miss hitting a kid with your car, you can always circle back through and wing him with your door on the second lap.

Don’t be a potty mouth. When you surmise that you’ve been affronted by another driver, do not stick your head out your window and yell obscenities. Remember, there are children nearby.  And, they’re much better cussers than you are. They’ve got twice the vocabulary and triple the speed.  You’ll just look foolish.   Besides, the IRS is just a cell phone call away, and cussing last mere seconds, while an audit last for months.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Totally Another Near Death Experience Bad Drivers School Parking LotIf traffic through the lot is moving too slowly, do not honk. That’s so immature. Throw garbage at the car in front of you like a grown up.  If you don’t have any, our van floor is a breeding ground.  You’re welcome to all you want or need.  Just don’t take the bottles.  The recycling money from those is my kids’ college find.

Remember:  It’s all about the kids.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

How has your school parking lot experience been?  How about sporting event parking lots? Shoot me a comment.  You’re already here anyway, and I’d love to hear from you.