I Am Going To Prison

I Am Going To Prison

by Gina Valley

While you are reading this I’m probably in prison or on a transport heading that way.

It’ll be an ordeal.  I’ll wish I’d packed my coat.  But, I’ll get through it.

This all happened because yesterday I spoke at the Listen To Your Mother – San Francisco production.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley I Am Going To Prison Alcatraz Mothers’ Day Listen To Your Mother You know how they have that “no grocery bags” law in San Francisco?  Well, that has nothing to do with this, but I think that’s really cool.

I swear those plastic monsters breed in the cabinet under my kitchen sink.  I wish it was illegal for them to send them home with me when I shop in LA.  I don’t think I’ll ever remember to bring in all those cool reusable bags I keep meaning to grab from the trunk until I risk a felony conviction.

Bags and felonies aside, I’m heading to prison.

But, don’t worry.  I won’t be lonely.  I’m bringing my whole family with me.

I’m taking them to visit Alcatraz.  I’ll decide if I’m bringing them back from Alcatraz after I see how they behave.

Since I’ll be off having a much needed family time, after not being with them much on Mothers’ Day, I’m going to do a Semi-Throwback Day this week.  And, it’s going to be today.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley I Am Going To Prison Alcatraz Mothers’ Day Listen To Your Mother Below you will find the text (minus my ad lib’ing.  I just can’t help doing that) of the humor piece I performed at Listen To Your Mother – San Francisco yesterday.  I’m calling it a Semi-Throwback Day because this piece began as a post on this blog.

I re-wrote it a bit to aim it towards moms, instead of parents in general.  It’s also longer than  the original, so that it would be a good performance length when I read it.  The increased length made room for more giggles.

I had a great time performing it and hanging out with the awesome women who made up the rest of the cast.  I highly encourage you to attend one of the many Listen To Your Mother productions next year. It is a great experience for anyone who “mothers” or had a mother or just wants to laugh.

Here in its entirety is the piece I wrote and performed:

I Wish I Had Lofty Goals    

by Gina Valley

I wish I had lofty goals. 

I wish my deepest desire was to put out the next best seller or to climb to the top of Half Dome or to finally fit into those single-digit, purple pants that have been hanging in the back of my closet for 4 years.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley I Am Going To Prison Alcatraz Mothers’ Day Listen To Your Mother

But, I am a mother, and the true definition of motherhood is adjusted expectations.

At this point in my life I have adjusted the heck out of my expectations.

Much as I see the value of leading a Fortune 500 company or winning a Grammy, truth be told, my heart does not long for grand accomplishments.

I wouldn’t throw it out, but it’s not the Nobel Prize I’m craving.

I wish I had lofty goals, but honestly the thing I want most is to go to the bathroom.

I want to go to the bathroom.

Alone.

Untimed

Unharassed

Unbothered

Unquestioned

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley I Am Going To Prison Alcatraz Mothers’ Day Listen To Your Mother No tiny fingers reaching under the door.

No wet noses or fuzzy paws trying to squeeze through.

No jiggling of the knob, sliding down the door, waiting in the hall.

I don’t even mind replacing the toilet paper and filling the hand soap and picking up the towel while I’m in there.

If I could just, please, go to the bathroom alone.  Alone.

I don’t want to sign your permission slip.  Do not slide it under the door.

I don’t want to see the big, green beetle you found in your room or the hole the bird just made in your shorts or the fuzzy stuff on the cheese.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley I Am Going To Prison Alcatraz Mothers’ Day Listen To Your Mother I don’t want to smell the toy truck or your cousin’s picture book or the flower you just picked (ok, put the flower in water. I’ll smell that later).

I don’t want to braid your hair, measure the rice, or put the case on your pillow.

I don’t want to unlock the door so you can give me the cordless phone.

I do not want to answer the very important phone call from the man who has a “terrific opportunity” for me.

I don’t want to return a text to your brother.   Do not shove my cell phone under the door.  Again.

I don’t want to get the knot out of your shoelaces, the gum out of your hair, or the squished banana out of your backpack.

I don’t want to discuss what the big deal is with JFK or whether global warming is real or who invented the internet.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley I Am Going To Prison Alcatraz Mothers’ Day Listen To Your Mother I don’t want to explain why 2×2 + 7x – 6 = 0,  or why King Henry 8th went through so many wives, or why mitosis is different than meiosis.

I don’t want to know why your teacher said a cuss word or what made Evan throw up during math or how you know the lunch lady wasn’t wearing underpants today.

I don’t want to find your library book or to put the stickers on your helmet or to see what you found in your sister’s purse (well, actually, hang on to that.  I’d like to see it later).

I don’t want to open your juice box, or your crackers, or your Airheads.

I don’t want to know whose fault it is that you need the mop.

I don’t want to take the lid off of the grape juice or the peanut butter or the vacuum.

I don’t want to know what’s behind your bookcase or what’s in your fish tank or what just crawled out from under the living room sofa.  I really, really don’t want to know that.

I don’t want to know what happened when you sneezed, what you found between your toes, or what the cat is licking.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley I Am Going To Prison Alcatraz Mothers’ Day Listen To Your Mother I don’t want to paint your nails, shorten your jeans, or put the chain back on your bike.

No, I will not open the door so you can hear me better.  I mumbled that because I was cussing at your constant interruptions and I did not want you to hear it.

I don’t want to discuss what’s for dinner, where your green shirt with the little picture of a monkey on it is, or what the weather will be like tomorrow so you can pick out your outfit. 

I don’t want to talk about why you have to leave the lizard in the yard or why your arm is sticky or why LaRissa’s boyfriend is a pig (he is, but if she’s giving out the milk for free he’s never gonna….Never mind. That’s not the point here).

I don’t want to know what the dog just ate, what your brother just said or why your knee smells funny.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley I Am Going To Prison Alcatraz Mothers’ Day Listen To Your Mother I don’t want to hear you burp the alphabet backwards, explain why it’s your sister’s fault you can’t do a handstand, or hear the weird sound the hamster is making.

I don’t want to guess what or guess who or guess why.

I don’t want to discuss anything.

I don’t want to see anything.

I don’t want to do anything.

I WANT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!

By myself.

That’s all.

May I please go to the bathroom?!?!

 

Even though I’m not actually being incarcerated, feel free to bake me a cake.

You could even put a nail file in it.

I lost mine at the hotel.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do you get interrupted in the bathroom?  Is there somewhere else you yearn for privacy?  Have you visited Alcatraz?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it!

The “Joy” Of Packing

The “Joy” Of Packing

by Gina Valley

Today we’ve had the “joy” of packing for a trip out of town for the weekend.

You know the kind of “joy” I’m talking about.

The kind where one teen wants to argue about everything.  Everything.   Including why his clothes have to be in a suitcase (because it’s hard to check a pile).

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Packing Travel Road Trip Shoes Joy The “Joy” Of PackingThe kind where the dress shirt that you went to 7 different stores to locate, because your little son is next to impossible to fit, has disappeared from the hanger it was de-wrinkling on (why, yes, it was found shoved in a bag with stuff to return to a different store).

The kind where your husband picks up size 6 wide instead of the size 5 ½ narrow shoes you reserved for your daughter with the teensy, narrow feet (yes, he did mention he thought he could adjust them with some duct tape)(did you feel my eyes rolling?).

The kind where you are considering poking yourself in the eye, so you can swirl around your brain so you won’t remember any of the “joy.”

There’s been tears.

There’s been tantrums.

There’s been yelling.

And, my family hasn’t behaved very well either.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Packing Travel Road Trip Shoes Joy The “Joy” Of PackingI don’t know why it always surprises me that I have so much trouble getting my pack out the door.  We travel frequently.  I don’t know why, instead  of developing into a finely oiled machine, all of our practice seems to have made us worse and worse at getting out the door.

We have checklists.  We have procedures.  We plan ahead.  Yet, we never have a smooth departure.

This week for Throwback Day I think it’s appropriate that we re-visit my What They Don’t Sell At The Flying J post.  It’s full of giggles about another anything-but-smooth departure our family made.

You can read my What They Don’t Sell At The Flying J post below in its entirety.  Or, for you hardcore readers, you can click on one of these supercool links to be magically transported to my What They Don’t Sell At The Flying J  post in its original spot on the blog.

Totally your choice.  Either way, won’t cost you any extra frequent flier miles.   You bring some chocolate (I need chocolate at this point.  It could save a life).  I’ll bring the giggles. I’ll meet you over there.

What They Don’t Sell At The Flying J

Yesterday I decided it would be a great idea to herd my pack into our van and drive 3 hours to visit my great, great uncle and aunt.  It seemed like such a simple thing to what I now realize was my clouded mind.  About half way there we stopped at a Flying J Truck stop.  Or, as my kids call it “the big bathrooms with the candy store.”

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Packing Travel Road Trip Shoes Joy The “Joy” Of PackingI’m sure you’ve seen one  – giant mega-gas stations on steroids glowing along lonely stretches of highway in the middle of nowhere.  Part fast food place, part mini-mall, and part bath house.

The Flying J is a strange little microcosm of our great, big world.  One can browse rows of magazines and leather-wear on the way to pick up a pizza while listening to an announcement that “Shower 5 is now ready.  Please proceed to the shower.”

Over the years and through many family road trips I had formed the opinion that the trusty Flying J truly sells a bit of everything.  I found out yesterday, not so.

So, what does the Flying J NOT sell.  Well, at this particular location, about 10 miles south of the middle of nowhere, it does not sell foot apparel of any kind. No shoes. No sandals. No crocs. No boots. No flip flops.  Not even a single pair of slippers or shower shoes. No foot adornment of any kind.

Perhaps you wonder why this fact is significant.

Is it because I’m attempting to placate what many of you know is my pretty serious shoe addiction?  No.

Could it have been an attempt on my part to re-stock my gift closet with more biker related items before the holidays?  No.

Was I simply curious about the average truck driver’s shodding of choice?  No.

So, why was I standing there asking Bertha May, the manager, about possible footwear purchasing opportunities in the sprawling complex yesterday?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Packing Travel Road Trip Shoes Joy The “Joy” Of PackingWell, it seems that Son#4 was working very hard to follow the rules, and as so often happens, that completely backfired and came back to bite us on the rear.

He announced, about an hour and a half into our little jaunt toward redneck land, that he had his brand new shoes securely on his feet when he got into the van to leave, and during the visual shoe check by the shoe officer of the day (Son#1 had that honor yesterday).

But, Son#4 had forgotten his pillow and had dashed back into our house to get it. He made a point of telling me, “like you always tell me to, mom, I took them off before I went in” (we leave our shoes outside to limit the dirt we accumulate in our house. It’s still gets filthy. I hate to imagine how dirty it would be if we left them on. We might not be able to find the furniture!).

In his haste to return to our van Son#4 forgot his shoes.  That’s right – ran right past them and out to our van without noticing his lack of shoes.  Apparently, no one else noticed either (I was still in the house turning off the 43 different lights that were left on, so I feel I’m off the hook for not noticing his stocking feet).

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Packing Travel Road Trip Shoes Joy The “Joy” Of PackingNaturally, like any good mother, upon hearing his announcement I fired up my smart phone to track the closest shoe retailer (yes, there’s an app for that).

There wasn’t a Target for hundreds of miles.   There wasn’t even a WalMart on the radar, and they’re everywhere!  I’d been thrilled to spot this Flying J nearby.  Yet, here I was at the only possible retailer for at least 100 miles in any direction, and they had no shoes.  What to do?

No problem.  Great, great uncle and aunt are 91 and 90.  They can’t see that well.  Although they would be horrified to know my kid had traveled with no shoes, they didn’t necessarily have to find out.  It occurred to me, that through creative shoe shuffling and staggered entrances, we might be able to get the entire pack into their house without the shoe deficiency ever being detected.


So, as we pulled up to their sprawling home Son#4 jumped out of our van looking a bit like a clown wearing Son#2’s shoes (the largest shoes in our family), and Son#2 had on Son#1’s.  After they had greeted great, great uncle, they went into the house to greet great, great aunt, leaving, as is our custom, their shoes on the porch.  In the meantime all three of their sisters emerged from the van and distracted great, great uncle while I ran Son#1’s shoes back out to him.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Packing Travel Road Trip Shoes Joy The “Joy” Of PackingThe house was packed with family, but we managed to get everyone in without anyone noticing our deficit of shoes.  Each time we needed to go outside we simply repeated the shoe shuffle until everyone had taken part. It worked fine.  No one had to know.  We were off the hook.

Before we knew it, the day had passed, and it was time to go home.

As we began the shoe shuffle to head back out to the van I marveled at our successful shoe issues cover up.  It was fun.   It was successful.  It was over.

Naturally, it was the offending kid himself who sold us out.

As Son#4 was heading out the door to the van, great, great aunt said, “I hope the drive home isn’t too bad.”

Son#4 answered immediately, “Well, it’ll be a lot shorter because we won’t have to stop to try to buy me shoes to wear!”

Too bad great, great aunt’s hearing is perfect!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do you and your crew have smooth departures?  Or, do you hit bumpy skies while you’re still in your living room?  Have you ever forgotten to bring something vital for a trip?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

I Want To Get Out Of The Car!!!

I Want To Get Out Of The Car!!!

It’s not that I haven’t enjoyed our time together.  There is nothing like a road trip to bring a family closer.  Or, to the brink of divorce. I forget which.  But, it has been fun.  It has been enjoyable.  It has been going on too long.

I want to get out of the car.

And, none of these “run around at the rest stop” quasi-out-of-the-car times, either.  I want to get out and stay out.  For a long time.  Maybe forever.  At least until I have to drive Son#4 to football practice tomorrow morning.

The drive home from a road trip always causes me to go a little stir crazy (and by “a little”  I mean “a lot”).  This return home hitch has been slightly more difficult (by “slightly” I, of course, mean “a lot.”) due to a teensy bit of frustration (yes, “a lot”) caused by a fuse in our van blowing frequently, making it nearly impossible for me to work (when I’m not driving, of course), and by miles and miles of black ice that caused me to have to drive around 20 miles per hour for 4 hours last night.

So, I’m ready to be done with this drive.  I’m ready to take a couple laps around our block, and then to crash on our sofa and have some chocolate ice cream.

In the meantime I am trying to keep a positive outlook and to find the positives of another 8 hours or more of close quarters with my pack.

For example, I am honing my refereeing skills.  I think the United Nations will be calling me for advice soon.

I’m also getting good at figuring out what is growing in farm fields we pass by.  I’ve even made up a few vegetables.  I should probably patent those as soon as I get my internet hotspot working again.

So, for Throwback Day this week I think we should take a look back at my 14 Great Things About Being Stuck In the Car All Day post.   Here’s a bit of what you will find when you click over there:

We’ll be on the road all day today.

Again.

Some people complain about being stuck in the car all day, but I say, “Let’s focus on the ‘positives!’”

14 Great Things About Being Stuck In the Car All Day

No dishes!

No need to nag children to do their chores.

Playing “Guess Which Side The Next Nose-Picker Will Drive By On.”  (Why are nose pickers always in such a hurry? Is there some sort of Nose Pickers Anonymous meeting they’re all late for?  I hope they don’t greet each other with a handshake!)

The radio changes stations, and thus types of music, format, and even language, all by itself to broaden your auditory horizons for your listening pleasure.

Cows!  You get to see lots and lots of cows!

Snapping tons of great “Look How Funny You Looked Sleeping Sitting Up” pictures.  Very useful for blackmailing teens at a later date!

Listening to 3 of your children play Name That Mountain! (“Is that Mt Hood?”  ”I don’t know.”  ”Shut up. I’m trying to sleep.”  ”I think that’s Mt. Hood.”  ”Is that Mt. Hood?”  ”Shut. Up. I’m trying to sleep!”  ”No, dummy, Mt. Hood is in Oregon.”  ”We are in Oregon, dummy!”  ”SHUT UP!”)

Playing Clean Bathroom Russian Roulette.

Pulling up to Fast Food Row, asking what everyone wants to eat, and hearing one kid holler “Spaghetti!”……..

Click on over to my 14 Great Things About Being Stuck In the Car All Day post to get all of the laughs.  I’ll meet you over there. You bring the chocolate.  I’ll bring the giggles.

And, remember, as always the extra click counts as cardio!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

How do you keep it interesting when you’re stuck in the car?  What is the weirdest thing you’ve seen in another vehicle while you were on the road?  What is your favorite road trip destination?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Laugh Log – Snow Edition

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Laugh Log Snow Vacation Snowball Funnies

Laugh Log – Snow Edition

We are traveling to the snow today.  I’m sure after a day stuck in our van we will be more than ready for a snow ball fight.

I wish we could take you all with us, but our van is pretty full.  So, I figure the next best thing is to send you out some snow funnies.  I hope they give you lots of giggles.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Laugh Log Snow Vacation Snowball Funnies

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Laugh Log Snow Vacation Snowball Funnies

 Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Laugh Log Snow Vacation Snowball Funnies

 Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Laugh Log Snow Vacation Snowball Funnies

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Laugh Log Snow Vacation Snowball Funnies

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Laugh Log Snow Vacation Snowball Funnies

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Laugh Log Snow Vacation Snowball Funnies

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Laugh Log Snow Vacation Snowball Funnies

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Laugh Log Snow Vacation Snowball Funnies

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Laugh Log Snow Vacation Snowball Funnies

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Laugh Log Snow Vacation Snowball Funnies

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Laugh Log Snow Vacation Snowball Funnies

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What is your favorite thing about the snow?  What’s your least favorite thing?  Does it snow where you live?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Does My Tongue Look Big To You?

Does My Tongue Look Big To You?

We’re visiting my parents this week.  I decided on Thursday that since, miraculously, the 6 different educational institutions that educate my pack and employ The Professor had breaks this week we should hop in our van and drive nearly 1400 miles to surprise my parents for a week long Thanksgiving visit.

Somehow we were able to get packed and out the door early Friday morning.  It was a record short preparation time.

The road, however, was not short at all.

But, we did have some giggles and other noteworthy occurrences along the way.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Road Trip Breakfast Bathrooms Music Dancing Maps DonutsWe were almost all of the way out of our driveway before someone asked to stop for food.  It’s important to note that we completed a full, hot breakfast 15 minutes before the ignition was turned.

What is it about climbing into a vehicle that instantly creates an intense desire to eat?  Sometimes we feel the need to stop for burgers on the way to pick up pizza for dinner.  It must be caused by some chemical the upholstery gives off.

Everyone had shoes with them when we did stop for food, nearly a half hour into our journey. I never did check to see if everyone’s shoes fit and belonged to them.  I figured, why tempt fate? Worse comes to worse we could always dig out the snow boots we’d shoved under the backseat of our van.  That’d be stylish with our SoCal shorts.

It’s always nice when you find “the worst bathroom I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” as Son#2 put it, during the first half of the first day of a road trip.  All of the males in our party seemed to be suffering from PTDBSD, Post-Traumatic Disgusting Bathroom Stress Disorder, as they exited the mini mart that was home to the noxious space.  None of them wanted anything to eat at the next two food stops.

Son#4 said, “There was a really big guy in there who must have had a bad burrito.”

Son#1 pointed out, “That was the work of more than just an ordinary burrito.”

Ironically, the ladies facilities were quite pristine.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Road Trip Breakfast Bathrooms Music Dancing Maps DonutsBlasting and dancing in the van to “Call Me Maybe,” was found to be a great source of amusement to half of our party, and a great source of irritation to the other half.

Naturally, the amused half’s amusement was heightened by the irritated half’s irritation.  And, the irritated half’s irritation was heightened by the amused half’s amusement.

I’m not saying which half I was in, but there is a slight chance that I played the song 3 times.  Maybe 4.

We had an impromptu course in donut etiquette after Son#2 hollered, “Mom, tell her to stop biting donuts and putting them back in the box!” This was, I believe, the first time I had ever heard this complaint.  That’s quite impressive because we are very thorough with our complaining.

I asked Daughter#3 why she was biting donuts and putting them back in the box (I had to swallow the thrill I was feeling because someone was putting something away without being told to do so, even if it did have a bite missing.  Small victories are still victories.).  Daughter#3 answered, “They taste bad.  What else was I supposed to do with them?”

I kept thinking, “People without children miss out on so much.”

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Road Trip Breakfast Bathrooms Music Dancing Maps DonutsMy internet hotspot kept shutting down during the second day of the drive.  Each time it was flashing a message that I had to give my approval to access data because I had roamed outside of the United States.

I was in Oregon at the time.

Might be time for my internet provider to buy a map.  I think there’s an app for that.

At one of our fast food breakfast stops, Son#1 held up his breakfast sandwich and announced, “This does not look like the picture.”  Honestly, it didn’t really look like food.

I determined around 11:00PM the first night of the drive that Pink Floyd is under-appreciated by today’s kids.  Or, at least by my kids.  Come on – “… another brick in the wall…”  How do they not like that?

We bought Hostess donuts after hearing about the Hostess Company’s possible bankruptcy. We’ll celebrate anything.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Road Trip Breakfast Bathrooms Music Dancing Maps Donuts

After the donuts were inhaled by our entire traveling party, Son#1 said, “They make my mouth itch.”

I admitted, “I think they’re making my tongue swell up.”

Son#1 said, “Yeah, but, they’re so good, I’ll still eat them.”

Yes, it’s important never to let a little adverse reaction keep you from eating pre-pack donuts.

We’re committed.  Or, should be committed.  One of those.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Are you traveling this week?  What fun stuff has come up on your road trips?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Also, fan me up on Facebook for more fun all day long.

Oh Goody – We’re Back In The Van

Oh Goody – We’re Back In The Van

We’re on the road for a spur-of-the-moment, surprise-Grandma, packed-in-one-night kind of trip.

We spent all day and a good part of the night driving yesterday so we would be able to arrive at my parents’ house before dinner time today. We are going to surprise them.  We’ve never done that before.  When you have to drive 1300 miles to see someone and you are traveling in a pack of 9, you usually call ahead.

But, I thought it would be fun to totally surprise them just this once.  Hopefully, they will think so, too.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley  Road Trip Surprise Visit Street Signs I told them I was having flowers delivered today when I called to make sure they’d be home.  My dad said that they should be home, but not to worry about it, because if they’re gone, “they can just leave them on the porch.”  Well, the flowers I’m bringing, his grandchildren, wouldn’t do so well waiting out in the freezing cold on his porch.  But, I didn’t tell him that.

I figure we will have my whole pack lined up on their porch, each holding a flower or two, when they open their door.  That’s the plan, anyway.  It’s also likely my parents will instead be surprised by several of my pack pounding on their door in an effort to get rapid, emergency access to the loo.  We’ll see how it actually all pans out.  Best laid plans and all.

In the meantime, we’re driving and I’m noticing the signs along the road and the many signs that aren’t there that should be.  So, I thought it would be a perfect day to do a Throwback Day to my Give Me A Sign!..Preferably In Large Easy-To-Read-Font post:

I’ll tell you what we need in this country.  We need more signs.  Clear.  Legible. Specific signs.  And lots of them.

People want to know stuff.  And, the smaller the people the more stuff they want to know, causing them to ask bigger people who are trying to drive the van.  The bigger people then have to apply their last two functioning brain cells to figure out what should not have to be figured out, when they really ought to be using those cells to stay in their lane and to watch out for low flying bats (First night of this trip, middle of the night, driving up the 5 in central California, a big bat flew right in front of my windshield.  Either that or it was a low flying dog.  Either way, l almost had a heart attack).  That’s probably why we have so many freeway accidents.  It’s not the lousy drivers; it’s a lack of proper signage….

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Road Trip Surprise Visit Street SignsIt’s so beautiful to drive through miles of farmland, but what could be a relaxing, pastoral experience is turned into a stressful quiz as little ones see the crops and ask, “What are they growing?”  You can’t say that you don’t know because then the 2 year old wants to know why you don’t know and that discussion could take all day and more energy than a 6 pack of Red Bulls can give you.

So, you look out the window and size up the plant.  After all, you eat.  Surely you can identify food in its most natural state.  But, let’s face it, if it’s not a grape vine or a fully loaded lemon tree you’re never gonna be able to figure it out.

You try though, right?  This trip, in my sleep deprived, road-ragged state, I actually told a kid that the field we were passing full of large fluffy white puffs mixed in with the shiny green leaves was a field of poodle plants (I wonder if they’ve covered where puppies come from in school yet).

A simple sign could have prevented this travesty of information….

Cruise on over to Give Me A Sign!..Preferably In Large Easy-To-Read-Font to get the rest of the giggles.  You bring the chocolate.  I’ll bring the Dramamine.

As always the extra click counts as cardio.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What signs would make your life easier?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.