Laugh, Cry, Or Stab Someone With A Fork!

Laugh, Cry, Or Stab Someone With A Fork!

by Gina Valley

If there was even one clean fork in this house I’d have stabbed somebody.

Daughter#1 called during my morning meeting, which frankly wasn’t going that well anyway.  Someone had just said that he didn’t understand my fee since I “just have to write down what pops into my head.” He then pointed out that it isn’t like I have to “work hard like a plumber or even an NFL player.”

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Totally Laugh, Cry, Or Stab Someone With A Fork!

My cell phone buzzed with Daughter#1’s call right then, denying me the opportunity to search through my purse for a fork.  That’s really too bad, because, as long as the jury had a few writers, artists or even pole dancers on it, I’m sure I’d never have been convicted.

I stepped out of the meeting to take Daugher#1’s call.  My kids know to text when I’m scheduled for meetings, because I can always answer those subtly.  They’re to call only if there is an urgent problem, like bleeding from an artery or being on fire or having head lice.  So, naturally, I was concerned.

I was also a sucker.

Daughter#1, who is in high school, was calling me with a sock emergency, as in she needed some.

Now, you need to realize that when she left for school in the morning, I had mentioned her lack of socks.  I’d told her to go back up to her room to get some before her ride left.  Nothing stinkier than shoes that have housed naked feet.

But, it wasn’t her feet that were suffering from her lack of sockage.   It was her hands.  She needed socks to make a sock puppet.  In her college preparatory history class.  Did I mention she’s in high school?

When I noted that she could just get hers off of her feet, she mentioned, in fine teenage form, that she hadn’t exactly taken my sock advice that morning and wasn’t wearing any.

I texted a picture of a fork to her.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Totally Laugh, Cry, Or Stab Someone With A Fork!I bought a new, fluffy bed for our girl puppy, as her brother had spilled a gallon of milk on her old one.  Even twice through the washing machine hadn’t gotten rid of the smell, so it had taken a trip to the rubbish can.

Our 70LB delicate feminine flower seemed thrilled with her soft, new sleeping place.  She jumped on it, bit it several times, and then did her tradition pre-snooze 3 spins.

But, she didn’t lie down to snooze after the last spin.  I thought she’d decided to sit down instead, but I was wrong.  She wasn’t squatting to sit.  She was, unbelievably since she’s been house trained for months, squatting to piddle.

Big canine that she is, her output was tremendous.  The flood she produced quickly filled every nook and cranny of the fluffy, tufted bed.  Seeing the rising tide, I let out a yell.  This startled the pup, and she and her piddle-soaked feet took off galloping through our house, leaving a trail of shiny, wet paw prints.

While I attempted to delicately wrangle the drenched bed out of my house, our boy puppy crashed into me, jolting the bed and causing much of its liquid cargo to splatter onto the floor.  And my feet.

If I’d had a fork, I’d have used it.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Totally Laugh, Cry, Or Stab Someone With A Fork!Homework time was a joy to behold.  My 12 year old, for example, morphed into a screaming, fit-throwing two year old, and took 37 minutes and 2 temper tantrums to write 1 spelling word definition.  I handled the situation with extreme parental grace by turning into a screaming, fit-throwing two year old myself.  Of course, my tirade was a bit more impressive than his.  I have broader vocabulary.

I knew better than to allow myself to think about a fork at that point.

With our pack finally all in their beds for the night, I decided to tell The Professor the tale of my day’s woes.  He is, after all, required to be sympathetic, at least until death parts us.  He listened intently as I began.

I was not even half a sentence into the stabby story of my day when, not only did that man nod off, he flippin’ let out a snore that woke the dog.

But, I didn’t yearn for a fork.

I went and got a bowl of warm water.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

How’s your week going?   Are you laughing?  Any fork-worthy events?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Liar, Liar

Liar, Liar

by Gina Valley

Today’s plan was to rise early, and to head out to arrive at one of the local county fairs right when the gates opened.

I like to take my pack to the fair every chance we get, because they love animals, and, living in Los Angeles, we don’t get a lot of opportunities to see farm critters roaming around.

Turns out, as it so often does, that the old adage about the best laid plans going awry proved true.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Liar, Liar Kids’ Point Of View POV Pets Turtles Fair

Daughter#1’s small water turtle somehow managed to scale the walls of his aquarium, and to set out on a grand adventure during the night.  This was an especially bad week for him (we think he’s a “him”) to choose to take a walk about, as Daughter#1 is away at church camp.

We spent a couple hours going through her room in search of her little shelled friend.  Had her room been in the pristine condition she assured me it was when she left for camp, the search would have been much simpler and less frustrating.  As it turns out, her room would have needed to be a lot cleaner just to achieve a “hovel” designation.

Eventually, Son#1 discovered the tiny reptile in a shoebox at the bottom of a box filled with various teenage girl detritus.   How the turtle with a diameter of less than 2 inches managed to scale the 2 foot high box, much less climb into the shoebox and replace the lid, is beyond me.  I’m just glad he’s home safe and sound, for both his and my daughter’s sakes.

Throughout the hunt I found myself becoming more and more worried about the fates of both the missing reptile and my daughter.  The reptile, I feared, had or would soon become a dog’s snack or dehydrated statue.  My daughter, I feared, would meet a worse fate because of her less than honest evaluation of her room custodial skills.

I’m sure The Professor didn’t realize he was stirring the mommy ire pot by asking every 3 minutes throughout the hunt, “This is ridiculous. How can anyone live in such a mess?”

“It’s not a mess, dear,” I corrected him each and every time.  “She assured me that she had thoroughly cleaned it.”

In light of today’s encounter with untruth uncovered I decided that my Why Aren’t My Kids Better Liars? post would be perfect for this week’s Throwback Day.  You can read my Why Aren’t My Kids Better Liars? post below, in its entirety, or, for you hardcore readers, you can click on one of these magic links to read my  post in its original location.

Either way, I’ll meet you at Why Aren’t My Kids Better Liars?.  You bring the funnel cakes.  I’ll bring the laughs.

Why Aren’t My Kids Better Liars?

Why aren’t my kids better liars?

It’s not like they don’t practice.

I feel like such a failure.  Clearly, I’m not providing them with the deception training they need to develop into the amazing liars I know they could be.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Liar, Liar Kids’ Point Of View POV Pets Turtles FairMaybe I need to call in a professional to provide private coaching, like a politician or a used car salesman or a weight loss counselor.

Consider yesterday’s example:

I asked Son#3 & Son#4, “Did you finish cleaning your room?”

“Yes!” they answered in unison, already opening the cabinet to access the Xbox.

“Is it really clean, or did you just stop working on it?”  I asked to clarify their answer.  I watch Law & Order.  I know how to interrogate.

“It’s clean!” they answered in unison, sticking to their story, while they tug-o-war’ed with the favored XBox black controller.  They’ve been watching NCIS for denial tips.

I totally support a “Trust but Verify” policy in both international relations and child proclamations, but yesterday that policy was frustrated by a case of the dizzy, nauseated thing going on, which made me running up and down the stairs every 5 minutes to check on my minions somewhat problematic.  I had to continue my investigation verbally

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Liar, Liar Kids’ Point Of View POV Pets Turtles Fair“Are you sure?” I asked, carefully maintaining eye contact to watch for hints of deception.  That’s what Patrick Jane does.

“Yes!” they again answered emphatically in unison.  Son#3 had somehow managed to wrest the coveted black controller away from Son#4.  I was surprised that Son#4 wasn’t complaining about being stuck with one of the less loved light colored controllers, but I didn’t allow it to get me off track.

I gave them both “The Eye,” and asked, “Could a blind guy walk across your floor without getting hurt?”  Sometimes you have to get specific to eliminate semantics.

“Yes,” Son#3 answered slowly. “He’d be wearing shoes, right?”

“He should probably wear boots,” Son#4 offered, while lining up their Skylanders.

“Clean your room!” was my closing argument.

Or, perhaps consider Daughter#3’s poor performance last month after she walked past my office with perfectly curled tresses rather than her naturally straight hair:

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Liar, Liar Kids’ Point Of View POV Pets Turtles Fair“Did you use my curling iron?” I asked, knowing the answer, as it’s the only one in the house since the “Why is the mattress on fire?” incident of 6 months ago.

“No,” she said, picking up speed a bit in a race to hit the stairs before I hit her with the next question.

I can move fast, too, and darted out into the hall to ask, “Then, how did your hair get so curly?”

“I must have slept on it funny,” my 3rd born, feminine-flower answered.

“You slept on it funny?  It doesn’t look funny.  It looks curled. You’re supposed to ask before you use other people’s stuff and you know it.”

“I must have twirled it around my finger a lot in my sleep,” she suggested, clearly thinking my mind had twirled out my ear in the middle of the night.

I couldn’t help but do a brain revealing eye roll.  I hollered down the stairs to her, “Put my curling iron back in my bathroom right now, before I twirl you around something.”

And, who can forget last week’s record grounding-inducing, pathetic attempt by Son#2 when I came upon him entering the house as I was on my way out at 6:00AM on a Saturday morning:

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Liar, Liar Kids’ Point Of View POV Pets Turtles Fair“Why are you up?” I asked.  Seeing him awake on a Saturday at 6:00AM usually means I forgot about a 7:00AM soccer game, or the world is ending.

“I got the paper,” he answered holding up the newspaper he had retrieved from our driveway.

“I see.  And, you needed a car key for that?” I asked, pointing to the key in his other hand. I’m sure Mr. Jane would have been proud of me.

“Uhhh,” he began.  I was tempted to sit down, as I recognized that a show was about to begin.  “I went out to get donuts for the family.”

“Really?” I like to play along.

“Yeah, I figured I better go early, so there was a better selection,” Son#2 continued.

“How thoughtful!” I said.  “Where are the donuts?”

“Uhhh, I didn’t have any money in my wallet to buy them,” he continued.  “So, I went to the bank to cash my paycheck, but I couldn’t get the machine to work and they weren’t open, so I just came home.”

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Liar, Liar Kids’ Point Of View POV Pets Turtles Fair“Give me your keys.  You won’t need them for quite some time,” I said more calmly than I thought possible, considering my mind was running through all of the different ways to strangle a person at the time.

“Why am I getting in trouble for trying to do something nice for the family?” he scoffed, clearly wounded by this perceived injustice.

“You weren’t trying to do something nice for the family.  The closest you got to buying us donuts this morning was driving past the mini mall on your way home after sneaking out to play video games at you friends’ house all night.  And, if you say one more word, I will take you down to the bank when it opens, and have them show you the video tape of you not trying to use the ATM to cash your paycheck, which by the way went through the laundry last night because you left it in your jeans pocket.”

You know, it’s not the lying so much as the lack of effort behind it that really bothers me.  I mean, come on, if they’re going to be dishonest, couldn’t they at least make an effort?  I’m not a complete moron.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Liar, Liar Kids’ Point Of View POV Pets Turtles FairHow about even a little effort? Couldn’t my kids at least wipe the chocolate off their faces before denying they ate my chocolate bar?

How about showing some respect?  Is it too much to ask that they at least hide my suede boots after wearing them out in the rain, rather than sticking the mud cover things back on my shelf?

How about acknowledging my intelligence?  Why not put down his brother’s truck before denying taking it from him?

I worry for my children.  They seem to be lacking such basic level dishonesty skills, and they aren’t putting in the hard work necessary to become quality deceivers.

How will they be finesse-filled spouses or skilled parents or Christmas character supporters?

How will they successfully apply for a mortgage or negotiate for a car or eat dinner at their in-laws house?

I realize now that I should have set a better example.  I should have been lying to them all along.

But, it’s never too late to start.  I’ll change my ways.  I’ll make a difference in their lives before it’s too late.  I’ll start today.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Liar, Liar Kids’ Point Of View POV Pets Turtles FairI’ll tell them I’m in the kitchen making dinner, when I’m actually in the kitchen snarfing the cookie dough.

I’ll tell them I went to the gym, when all I actually did was stop by my friend Jim’s house to return a book.

And, I’ll tell Son#3 that he can borrow my car, and when he heads for the door, I add, “but you may not” just to help them work on those semantics.

I know there’s still hope.

If we all pull together, I may be able to raise a pack of skilled liars yet!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Anyone told you a real whopper lately?  What was it?  What did you do?  Did you ever feed your parents a pile of bologna?  What happened?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Oh yeah – I just wanted to remind you – if you haven’t hooked up with me on Facebook or Pinterest or Twitter, I hope you will today.  I want you to be in on all the giggles.  Plus, it’s always fun to hang out with you!

Also, be sure to click on the subscribe box in the sidebar up near the top, right-hand side of this page to receive all of my blog posts in your e-mail.  It’s super convenient and I won’t send you any spam.

And, hey –Thanks for reading!  I appreciate you spending your time with me!

Nothing’s More Stressful Than Relaxing

Nothing’s More Stressful Than Relaxing

by Gina Valley

I’m on a de-stress regimen.

(You can read my tale of “woe” resulting in the doctor-ordered-even-though-I-should-have-done-this-ages-ago-for-my-own-health-and-well-being-not-to-mention-to-set-a-good-example-for-my-kids de-stressing in yesterday’s post  Seriously Today – That Kind Of Sucked, But I’m Still Kicking).

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Nothing’s More Stressful Than Relaxing Dogs Pets

My pack is trying to help me de-stress (I suspect they figure the more they help, the sooner I’ll get healthy, and they can get back to stressing me out).

To that end, tonight, Son#1 took his three younger sisters to see a taping of The X-Factor, so I could have an evening without teen drama.

Son#2 took his two little brothers out to dinner, so I could have an evening without battling boys.

The Professor is teaching his night lecture, so I could have an evening without worrying about paying our mortgage.

They all left.

I was home alone to relax.  Well, not quite alone.  Our canines were hanging out with me.  Our two 5 month old puppies were sleeping soundly on the floor in our family room, near the sofa I was plopped onto when everyone left.

Our house was silent after the door closed behind my family.

For about 2 whole minutes.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Nothing’s More Stressful Than Relaxing Dogs Pets Then, both of our puppies cut what should have been their 2 hour evening nap short by about 1 hour and 55 minutes.

The two of them romped and “puppied” around.  I was reminded about the time a doctor told me that petting a puppy lowers blood pressure and promotes relaxation.  Perhaps this was just what I needed to kick me into full relaxation mode.  I was sure stress was jumping out of our windows.

Ziva, our girl puppy and generally our most hyper, mischievous family member, furry or otherwise, was uncharacteristically calm.  She soon snuggled her now 5 month old, 50LB self around my feet, and I tickled her tummy with my toes.  It was a puppy perfect moment.

Bear, our boy puppy and generally our most sedentary, easy-going family member, furry or otherwise, was uncharacteristically hyper.   He bounded all around the room, bouncing his 5 month old, 60LB self alternately off of me and our sofas, resulting in groans and creaks from me and the sofas.

This was not relaxing.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Nothing’s More Stressful Than Relaxing Dogs Pets Some unknown force had pepped up this giant puppy, who usually has to be nearly dragged just to go on a walk.  He often seems to be a big, dog shaped throw pillow.  If he didn’t occasionally snort and drool, we’d worry that he’d slipped into a coma on most days.

But, this evening, Bear was wound and ticking.

It was kind of cute, in a giant-furry-animal-flying-at-you kind of way.  After I got used to his rhythm I was able to dodge most of his bounds, so I no longer feared having to add “possible broken ribs” to my mystery ailment list.

And, then he stopped.

Suddenly.

As dogs, particularly puppies, are prone to do.

Something had caught his attention.  He was staring attentively toward our breakfast table.

What did he see?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Nothing’s More Stressful Than Relaxing Dogs Pets

I looked.

Ziva looked.

If anyone else had been home, I’m sure they would have looked, too.

And, what did we see, Ziva, Bear, and me?

Nothing.

There was nothing visible there.

Our puppy, Bear, bless his heart, was staring at nothing.

I chuckled.  I think Ziva chuckled (it might have been the hiccups.  She gets those a lot.  She’s big, but she’s still a baby).
Bear bounded over to our breakfast table, and landed with his front paws right on its edge.  He’d never done that before, so it caught me off guard.  I think it caught the table off guard, too, because it complained audibly under his heavy canine weight.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Nothing’s More Stressful Than Relaxing Dogs Pets

“Bear! No!”  I hollered at him, completely believing he would get down and wag his tail apologetically, as he always does when he gets caught messing up.   But, instead, he began to attempt to pull his heft onto the table with his front paws.  It was comically ineffective.

Nonetheless, I was irritated at his persistence.  He was acting like his mischievous sister, Ziva, who was now sitting up, head tilted, watching him, clearly amused by his attempts to get onto the table.  I was happy she didn’t choose to dash over and demonstrate her long perfected, bounce-off-the-chairs-and-onto-the-table method of table climbing.

“Bear! No! Get down!”  I hollered at him.  Bear looked over at me, and, before he continued to attempt to pull himself onto our table, I’m certain he smiled at me.

I decided to go with another method.  Yes, I know I should have walked over, pulled him down, and given him a stern talking to, but I was supposed to be relaxing.  So, I went with a different approach.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Nothing’s More Stressful Than Relaxing Dogs Pets

There was a heavy, plastic bowl on the table next to me.  I reasoned that, were I to toss said bowl onto the floor near Bear, it would make a loud noise, startling the puppy, causing him to abandon his table-centric quest.

How could that not work?

I tossed the bowl.  It got Bear’s attention, but not exactly like I thought it would.

That’s probably because Ziva leapt through the air, and caught the bowl midair before it could hit the floor.  She then took off running through the house, dragging it with her.  I could hear it scrapping and bouncing along our wood floor as she completed lap after lap, followed closely by Bear, who was barking non-stop at top volume, and occasionally tripping over his giant feet and crashing into walls.

I’m not sure if they got tired of their interior trek or they just thought it was too relaxing for me to watch, but, for whatever reason, they added a lap around our backyard to their route, carefully including the muddy area where we’re trying to grow a lawn, just to keep it interesting.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Nothing’s More Stressful Than Relaxing Dogs Pets

It didn’t take more than a couple laps for them to make our floor to look like a heard of wildebeests had passed through.

So, now I’m upstairs in my office relaxingly typing this.  I relaxingly got Ziva and Bear to go into their kennel by relaxingly tossing 2 cupcakes into it (don’t judge me.  The Dog Whisperer, I am not).  They relaxingly dosed off after they finished gnawing the plastic bowl into what looks to be a unique piece of modern art, which I relaxingly retrieved and placed relaxingly in the center of our mantel in our living room.

When my family returns from their various outings for the evening, they’ll find I’ve relaxingly laid out the necessary cleaning implements for them to relaxingly de-mud our floor.

Ended up being a night filled with unexpected opportunities to do things relaxingly.

I’m hoping there’s a lot fewer opportunities tomorrow night.

All of this relaxing is really stressing me out.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Have you ever tried to relax, only to find everything causes the opposite to happen?  Do your dogs like cupcakes?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Do Turtles Wear Deodorant?…Gina’s favorites

Do Turtles Wear Deodorant?…Gina’s favorites

by Gina Valley

My pack and I are traveling, visiting family, and just hanging out and laughing together.

This week we’re staying with my parents

As I have planned to be busy being unbusy and unplanned, I’ve gone through my posts and queued up favorites to keep you in giggles while I’m hanging with my pack.

I hope you enjoy this Gina’s Favorites.

And, I hope you stop and take time to hang out with and laugh with your loved ones, too.

Thank you for reading and sharing.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Today’s Gina’s Favorites post is my  Do Turtles Wear Deodorant? post.   You can read my  Do Turtles Wear Deodorant?  post below in its entirety, or, for you hardcore readers, click on one of these magic links to read my  Do Turtles Wear Deodorant? post in its original location.

Either way, I’ll meet you at Do Turtles Wear Deodorant?.  You bring the Ice cream (it’s hot today!).  I’ll bring the laughs.

Do Turtles Wear Deodorant?

Each night before I go to bed, I toss the load of laundry I put into the washer after dinner into the dryer.  It’s really one of those on auto-pilot “do it without thinking” kind of things.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Do Turtles Wear Deodorant? Kids Point Of View But, for some reason, last night I guess I was a little more aware of what was going on around me, because I noticed something I hadn’t noticed before.

There is a bookcase along one of the walls of the hall that leads to our laundry room.  Our turtles live in an aquarium on top of the bookcase.  Last night as I raced by on my way to attempt to get closer to laundry Nirvana I noticed a stick of deodorant next to the tank.

Why is there deodorant next to the turtles’ tank? Do turtles wear deodorant?

Upon closer inspection I recognized the deodorant as belonging to Son#2.

So, I, apparently having forgotten how very unsatisfying the explanations given by children are, decided to ask Son#2 for an explanation.

Me to son#2: Why is your deodorant on the bookcase by the turtle tank?

Son#2: Because that’s closer to the dryer.

This, in his opinion, was a thorough, light-shedding explanation.  He started to head up the stairs toward his bedroom.  I wanted a bit more sun to shine on the topic.  I held onto his sweat shirt to slow his escape.

Me: Hang on a second. You have to explain that or I am going to have a stroke.

Son#2: What’s a stroke?

Me: You won’t like it. It ends with me drooling.  A lot.  Explain.

Son#2: Since it’s cold, I get up an hour early each morning and put my clothes in the dryer so they’re nice & warm when I put them on. I have to put on my deodorant after I put on my clothes so I need it close.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Do Turtles Wear Deodorant? Kids Point Of View Me: Where do you put the clothes that are in the dryer? (note: I always put a load in the dryer before I go to bed, so there is one in the dryer every morning.)

Son#2: In the big basket.

Me: The big basket? That’s the dirty clothes hamper. It’s full of dirty laundry. Why don’t you just bring them in the house?

Son#2: I don’t have time. I have to get ready for school. That’s why I keep my deodorant there. So I’m not late for school.

Me: But, you’re coming in the house anyway.

Son#2: Well, I didn’t think of that.

To summarize:

The deodorant is next to the turtle tank so Son#2 won’t be late to school. (note: Son#2 is usually late to school anyway. Perhaps deodorant location isn’t the problem)

The unending laundry at our house is being supplemented each morning by a child who is adding a clean load to the dirty stuff.

And, if I wasn’t already too busy washing clean laundry, I think I would have a stroke today just so I could drool on that child!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What confusing behavior do your family members exhibit?  Have you received a crazy explanation for seemingly simple behavior?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

A Puppy To The Wake…Best Of Gina

A Puppy To The Wake…Best Of Gina

by Gina Valley

If the old Sydney Harris adage “The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it” is true, then it’s way past time for me to relax, because I definitely don’t have time for it.

So, I’m taking time off to do just that.

I loaded up our van and hit the road with my pack.  We’ve been traveling along the west coast and having lots of fun.  This week my pack and I are at my parents’ home visiting.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley A Puppy To The Wake...Best Of Gina Disorganization Pets Dogs

We’re playing games and swimming and generally goofing off.  I have forced myself to reschedule all but the most essential of my work commitments, and am spending that time hanging out with my family and relaxing.  I’ve even taken a couple naps!

So, as I have planned to be busy being unbusy and unplanned, I’ve gone through my posts and queued up reader favorites to keep you in giggles while I’m hanging with my pack.

I hope you enjoy this Best of Gina.

And, I hope you stop and take time to laugh with your loved ones, too.

Thank you for reading and sharing.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Today’s Best of Gina is my My Sister Brought A Puppy To The Wake post. You can read my My Sister Brought A Puppy To The Wake post below in its entirety, or, for you hardcore readers, click on one of these magic links to read my My Sister Brought A Puppy To The Wake post in its original location.

Either way, I’ll meet you at My Sister Brought A Puppy To The Wake.  You bring the cookies.  I’ll bring the giggles.

My Sister Brought A Puppy To The Wake

My sister brought a puppy to the wake.

That’s right.  A puppy.  To the wake.  To my mother-in-law’s wake.

Now, this was not a random puppy-ization on her part.  Son#1 lost his sweet dog, Trixie, to liver cancer last fall.  He’d recently had a birthday.  Her Labrador had recently had 9 puppies.  How could she not bring one to the wake?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley A Puppy To The Wake...Best Of Gina Disorganization Pets DogsPlus, this sister of mine has a history of presenting impromptu animal additions to our family.  She has a heart full of fun.  I’m lucky it was just one puppy.  She could have brought one for each of my kids.

We’ve been giggling about the little puppy’s antics all evening.  But, right now that’s not what I’m laughing about.

Son#2 has been begging for a puppy of his own all evening.  But, that’s not what I’m laughing about.

He is promising to walk it and clean up after it, to feed it and to bathe it.  But that’s not what I’m laughing about.

I’m laughing because Son#2 is telling me he’s sure he’s more than responsible enough to take care of a puppy.

Responsibility is a serious issue.  So, why am I laughing about that?

I’m laughing because while Son#2 is explaining to me that he is a very responsible person, he’s wearing a windbreaker and a pair of shorts.  That’s it.  No shirt.  No socks.  No long pants for this cold day.

A windbreaker and shorts.

And, why is my son, who’s convinced he’s responsible enough to care for a puppy, sporting such an odd wardrobe?

Because after he finished packing his clothes for our trip, he neglected to bring them.  That’s right.  He left his whole suitcase at home.

Well, if that doesn’t scream “responsibility,” I don’t know what does.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Have you ever had something laughable at a totally serious event? Have you ever been the something laughable at a totally serious event?   Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

I Have A Question

I Have A Question

by Gina Valley

I have a question.

How come bleach is dingy yellow?  Isn’t that what we use bleach to get rid of?  Why doesn’t it “bleach” itself?

Why isn’t there a remote for my remote?

If my smart phone is so smart, why doesn’t it answer me when I call it?  And, why does it get lost so often?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley I Have A Question Un-understandable Thngs

Why do I get the feeling that Siri is more mocking me than actually trying to be helpful?

Why will our dog happily ingest our puppies’ kibble, or even poop, but turn his nose up to his dog kibble?

Why don’t they make showers with those motion detectors that are on sink faucets so the water won’t run unless someone is standing under the shower?  Why do my children run the shower for an hour and a half before they get in?

Why is my 11 year old unable to mention the 15 page project, including costume for him and snacks for sixty 5th graders, about Romania he was assigned 2 months ago until the night before it’s due?

Why are hospitals labeled “Hospital For Sick Children”?  Were people bringing in well children?

Why do baby hats always have pompoms on them?  Is that some sort of security device?  Isn’t that a choking hazard?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley I Have A Question Un-understandable Thngs

Why would anyone buy a bathroom reader at the used book store?  Do they think someone is disinfecting those things?

Why when I order “black coffee” does the server always asks me if I want cream with that?  Is it black cream?

If Febreze is an odor remover how come it has a scent?  Why doesn’t it remove that odor?

Why does the dryer know to break down the night before we’re trying to leave on vacation?

Why, after I just finished putting away $300 worth of groceries, did my teenager just announce, “We have nothing to eat!”?

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Got a question?  Or, two?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

 

 

A Zen-Like Departure

A Zen-Like Departure

by Gina Valley

Got back from a road trip early this morning.

I was in San Francisco on Sunday for a rehearsal for Listen To Your Mother – San Francisco.

(It’s going to be an amazing night.  Grab your tickets now.   Each and every one of the 14 pieces being read is fantastic and amazing and completely different.  Bring anyone who mothers or has a mother or just likes to laugh.)

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley A Zen-Like Departure Puppy Poop Road Trip The Professor Castle Dog Toy Bucket LockWe, The Professor and I, made it a one day road trip.  We planned to leave at dawn on Sunday (sounds kind of Braveheart-ish, doesn’t it?), and to drive back to LA right after the rehearsal was done.

I love road trips.  I can get a year’s worth of material from a really bad one.  Even a well-executed road trip will give me at least a couple months’ worth of giggle prompts.  I wish there was a way to get all of that without being stuck in the car all day, though.

Trying to do the LA to San Francisco and back roundtrip in one day is always a tough gig.  When you have arrangements to make for children included in the planning, it gets a bit more complicated.  When you have two 10 week old puppies, they tend to throw a whole additional set of wrinkles into the mix.

Naturally, as we were finishing up preparations  and loading the car in the pre-dawn light, our puppies decided it was time to get up, and that they needed to play with one of us giant, furless pack members right away in order to have their lives be complete.  As we were on a strict departure schedule, neither The Professor nor I had time for puppy romping.  So, since it was his turn to be Odd Hours Puppy Wrangler, we rousted Son#2 from his bed to hang out with our short furry family members (one of whom is his).

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley A Zen-Like Departure Puppy Poop Road Trip The Professor Castle Dog Toy Bucket LockMy teenage son was willing, although less than totally enthusiastic, to take his turn as puppy minder and playmate.  He took his usual puppy sitter position, lying flat on the floor with his eyes protected by an arm.  The puppies were thrilled and happily began using him as a trampoline, a spring board, and, occasionally, a chew toy.

With our puppies otherwise entertained and the rest of my children sleeping, I was able to finish working and to print out the rest of my notes, while The Professor busied himself loading the car.  When I came back into our family room with my printouts, I found that even though the puppies were still  bouncing off of him, Son#2 had dozed off on the floor.

“This,” I said to The Professor, “is what he calls ‘watching the puppies.’  Someday his wife is gonna have a fit when his kids have destroyed the house while he does this.”

Fortunately, our puppies were happily wrestling on top of his legs, looking what I should have known was far too innocent.

The Professor and I shared a giggle and an eye-roll, remembering how our teenage son had mentioned that the puppies were “not much work at all.”  Sure, if you’re the one who gets to sleep through it.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley A Zen-Like Departure Puppy Poop Road Trip The Professor Castle Dog Toy Bucket LockThe Professor went to lock our back door, in preparation for our imminent departure.   I heard him let out a yell.

“What’s the matter?” I hollered in his direction.

“I just stepped in a giant poop right by the door,” he answered, sounding not particularly happy.

I stifled my laughter and answered as matter-of-factly as I could, “That’s not possible, dear.  He’s clearly watching the puppies.”

“I think someone’s tummy is upset, too.  This’s really gooey.  It’s disgusting,” he said.

“We can throw out those shoes,” I suggested, trying to keep the giggles out of my voice.  I knew there was no way I was going to clean them.

“I’m barefoot,” he announced.

I didn’t answer him.

I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t speak.

The more I thought about it, the more I laughed.  I could picture it oozing between his toes.  I certainly wasn’t going to see the really thing.  If I did, I wouldn’t be able to let him in the house ever again, much less leave for a road trip with Professor Poopy Toes in 10 minutes, as was scheduled.

Meanwhile, our puppies had curled up together on the floor, pressed up against snoring Son#2.  All three of them were looking sweet and precious.  Seeing them peacefully slumber, each appearing far too angelic to have done the dastardly deed,  made me laugh even more.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley A Zen-Like Departure Puppy Poop Road Trip The Professor Castle Dog Toy Bucket Lock

Fortunately, The Professor had been able to reach the disinfecting wipes from where he was hobbled.  There was no way my wimpy stomach could have handled entering the poo-poo hot zone.

“It’s coming off pretty well,” he announced.  “I just feel sorry for whoever owns these pink flip flops the pup made his deposit on.  They’ll never be the same.”

I stopped laughing.

Those were my flip flops.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Any non-smooth departures for you recently?   Any furry family member leave you a “gift” somewhere inconvenient recently?  Who gets to handle those charming surprises around your place?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

My Sister Brought A Puppy To The Wake

My Sister Brought A Puppy To The Wake

by Gina Valley

My sister brought a puppy to the wake.

That’s right.  A puppy.  To the wake.  To my mother-in-law’s wake.

Now, this was not a random puppy-ization on her part.  Son#1 lost his sweet dog, Trixie, to liver cancer last fall.  He’d recently had a birthday.  Her Labrador had recently had 9 puppies.  How could she not bring one to the wake?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley My Sister Brought A Puppy To The Wake ResponsibilityPlus, this sister of mine has a history of presenting impromptu animal additions to our family.  She has a heart full of fun.  I’m lucky it was just one puppy.  She could have brought one for each of my kids.

We’ve been giggling about the little puppy’s antics all evening.  But, right now that’s not what I’m laughing about.

Son#2 has been begging for a puppy of his own all evening.  But, that’s not what I’m laughing about.

He is promising to walk it and clean up after it, to feed it and to bathe it.  But that’s not what I’m laughing about.

I’m laughing because Son#2 is telling me he’s sure he’s more than responsible enough to take care of a puppy.

Responsibility is a serious issue.  So, why am I laughing about that?

I’m laughing because while Son#2 is explaining to me that he is a very responsible person, he’s wearing a windbreaker and a pair of shorts.  That’s it.  No shirt.  No socks.  No long pants for this cold day.

A windbreaker and shorts.

And, why is my son, who’s convinced he’s responsible enough to care for a puppy, sporting such an odd wardrobe?

Because after he finished packing his clothes for our trip, he neglected to bring them.  That’s right.  He left his whole suitcase at home.

Well, if that doesn’t scream “responsibility,”  I don’t know what does.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Have you ever had something laughable at a totally serious event? Have you ever been the something laughable at a totally serious event?   Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

My Car Is Not On Fire

My Car Is Not On Fire

In a bad mood?  Quick, count your blessings!!!

My car is not on fire.

The people who woke up grumpy & difficult this morning have school and or work all day today.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Counting Blessings Thankfulness Car Cookie Dough Guinea Pig Bad Mood

My dog is potty trained.  Mostly.

My kids are potty trained.  Mostly.

The garbage disposal stopped making that screaming noise and is still usable.

We haven’t had a plugged up toilet for almost 3 days.

The donation guy at Goodwill didn’t laugh when I dropped off the bag of my clothes.

Chocolate is not a crime.

I found cookie dough in the freezer.  And, I’m the only one home.

I sent out my batch of email this morning and the cable didn’t crash in the middle of it.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Counting Blessings Thankfulness Car Cookie Dough Guinea Pig Bad Mood

No one has thrown up this week.

The washing machine is working.

The guinea pig was not dead (she’s just a very heavy sleeper).

The trash man always shows up.

Spell check can’t speak.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Whatcha got?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing about your blessings today.

What Is Going On?!?!

What Is Going On?!?!

There’s stuff I don’t understand.

Things that baffle me.  Things that bewilder me.  Stuff in life I just don’t get.

Lots of it.

I’ve had years of graduate level physics classes.  I guess there’s some stuff that even those don’t explain.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Bewilderments Questions Physics Why, after I’ve been falling asleep sitting up on the sofa every 5 minutes for an hour while holding my laptop and trying to type, do I stare at the ceiling for hours instead of boarding the plane to Dreamland when I climb into bed?

Why does my grandmother ignore me when I tell her she should talk to her doctor about her dizzy spells, but go straight to his office when it’s suggested to her to do so by a complete stranger on the bus?

Why is my daughter, who’s standing there wearing my missing sweater and boots, yelling at her sister for wearing her t-shirt without asking?

Why do we say we love our family, but skip over that first piece of bread in the loaf like it’s nuclear waste and leave it behind for them to eat?

Why when I go to bed early do I always over-sleep the next morning?

Why does my son insist his clothes be spotless, and wrinkle and lint free, but still refuse to take a shower?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Bewilderments Questions Physics

Why does my daughter walk down the hall past the bathroom to throw up on my bed? With me in it?

Why does the garbage disposal become a geyser every time we have company?

Why does the washing machine know to break down when we’re washing clothes frantically the night before vacation?

Why can’t my 11 year old remember to put both of his shoes in his closet but can line up his Skylander action figures in alphabetical order without even thinking?

Why is the cell phone ringer always on silent mode when we lose it?  And, why is it always down the sofa?  And, why don’t we ever look there first?

Why does the Internet crash the instant I hit send on an email that must go out now?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Bewilderments Questions PhysicsWhy does the dog insist on carrying in something from our recycle bin every time he comes in from the yard, but never carries any of it back out?

Why is it impossible to wake my son at 7:00AM for school, and equally impossible to get him to sleep past 5:00AM on Saturday morning?

Why can our bird perfectly navigate flying throughout our home for hours but flies directly into my head when I walk past her perch?

There are a lot more bewilderments in my life, but I’ve got to go get the feathers out of my hair.

And, to pick up the bird.

Stupid bird.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What are your bewilderments?   Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.