The Great Watermelon Stampede of ’17

The Great Watermelon Stampede of ’17

by Gina Valley

Did you know there are 53 watermelons in that giant, super-sturdy cardboard bin at Costco? Did you know if your 5 year old aims carefully and hits the giant super-sturdy cardboard bin full of watermelons with the corner of the pretty-big, apparently-even-sturdier-than-the-cardboard-bin shopping cart, the giant, super-sturdy cardboard bin will magically split open?

Did you know when the bin splits open 48 of the 53 watermelons will make a run for it? Did you know the watermelons will quickly scatter in all directions like children do when you announce it’s time to clean out the garage?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley The Great Watermelon Stampede of ’17 ShoppingDid you know your 14 year old will look at the 8 watermelons still remaining in the not-as-sturdy-as-you-thought cardboard bin and remark to you, “I guess those guys have a case of the L.A.Z.Y., huh, mom?”? Did you know your kids will remember, right in the middle of any watermelon-based, embarrassing, public fiasco, you told them they had a case of the L.A.Z.Y. three days ago, but will not remember you told them to keep an eye on their 5 year old brother three minutes ago?

Did you know your kids will ask why their 5 year old brother needs watching anyway, since “We’re in Costco. What could he possibly break?”? Did you know your kids could make you roll your eyes so hard you’d nearly do a backflip? Did you know one 5 year old could cause a watermelon stampede in the two minutes it takes you to dash down the aisle to grab a 5lb bag of shredded cheese?

Did you know some watermelons are in such great shape they can roll nearly all the way to the registers in the front of Costco before they are tackled and retrieved by a 5 year old or tripped over by his dad? Did you know there is no box to check on the form at the urgent care center to indicate your husband sustained a hip injury due to a watermelon accident?

Did you know people will look at you like you’re crazy when you squeeze between them in hot pursuit of one of the large, green, surprisingly-quick fruits, hollering, “Stop that watermelon!”? Did you know, just like during pursuits in a movie, people will stare and do nothing to impede the escape of your quarry, or any of his 47 friends?

Did you know it’s very hard to pretend you don’t know the 5 year old who caused The Great Watermelon Stampede of ’17 when he keeps following you around the store, calling you “Mommy”, and asking “Did you see how far that big one rolled?”?

Did you know, while you are on a search-and-rescue mission for AWOL watermelons on the toilet paper aisle, your 15 year old will remind you he caused The Bicycle Display Tsunami of ’07 and his sister caused The Coffee Grinder Explosion of ’12 in that very store?

Did you know they really should be more careful about who they let into that store?

Laugh all about it!

-gina

Any shopping avalanches in your life lately? I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photo courtesy of Dreamstime.com – Used with permission.

Are You A Dad-er?

Are You A Dad-er?

by Gina Valley

Do you do the daddy-ing?

Maybe you’re a father. Maybe you’re not.

Either way, the daddy-ing dads, stepdads, uncles, grandpas, brothers, cousins, neighbors, teachers, coaches, and many more do makes a huge difference for the better in the lives of the children they daddy.

Know that all of your efforts for the children in your life are appreciated and world changing, even if they aren’t acknowledged. On behalf of those children, please accept this gratitude. Thank you!

Happy Fathers’ Day!

In honor of all of you, here are some words of wisdom from both those who are wise and those who are wise-cracking.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Are You A Dad-er? Fathers’ DayThe older I get, the smarter my father seems to get – Tim Russert

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected – Red Buttons

My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it – Clarence B. Kelland

No one in this world can love a girl more than her father – Michael Ratnadeepak

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong – Charles Wadsworth

Mom and Dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it – Bill Watterson  (Calvin & Hobbes)

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother  – Henry Ward Beecher

A good father is one of the most unsung, unpraised, unnoticed, and yet one of the most valuable assets in our society – Billy Graham

A father carries pictures where his money used to be -Author Unknown

When I was a kid, I used to imagine animals running under my bed. I told my dad, and he solved the problem quickly. He cut the legs off the bed.  – Lou Brock

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did – Jeff Foxworthy

Becoming a father is easy enough, but being one can be very rough – Wilhelm Busch

A father is a man who expects his children to be as good as he meant to be – Carol Coats

When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, ‘If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.’ – Jerry Lewis

To her the name of father was another name for love – Fanny Fern

Any man can be a Father but it takes someone special to be a dad – Anne Geddes

My father was too cheap to take me to the big downtown aquarium. This cheap bastard, he would just take me to the fish market. ‘Look, Tony, there’s the halibut. Shhh, they sleep in piles.’ I’m like, ‘Dad, they’re breaded.’ ‘That’s their blankie.’ – Tony Camin

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Are You A Dad-er? Fathers’ DayI’ve had a hard life, but my hardships are nothing against the hardships that my father went through in order to get me to where I started – Bartrand Hubbard

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much he had learned in 7 years – Mark Twain

My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me – Jim Valvano

Turn off that light! – Every dad. Every day.

Guns don’t kill people. Dads with pretty daughters kill people. – Unknown

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids wouldn’t touch Dad’s clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle. – Unknown

If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father’s Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who’s Everything?- Unknown

If you can’t do some thing before midnight, then you don’t need to do that thing. – my dad

You should eat more protein and you should go to bed earlier. – also my dad

He was right. As usual

Happy Fathers’ Day to all you who do the Daddying!!!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What’s your favorite dad quote?  What’s the phrase your dad always said which made your eyes roll? I’m look forward to hearing all about it!

I’ll Just Poke Myself In The Eye

I’ll Just Poke Myself In The Eye

by Gina Valley

You know how sometimes you impress your family and friends with your skill and competence?

Yeah, me neither.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I’ll Just Poke Myself In The Eye Duh! Moments bugs insects freaking outLast night a little moth flew straight into my face, landed on my nose, freaked out, and tried to fly away. But, he must have forgotten how he got there (or maybe he just had a poor sense of direction. Not judging here. Just reporting) (Although I am pretty sure he’s male, since he didn’t ask for directions and I know how you guys hate to do that), so instead of flying away from my face, he cruised forward and went underneath the bridge of my glasses.

So, the hyper Lepidoptera got trapped between my glasses and my eye. This further, apparently, freaked out the moth (I believe that “freaked out” is in fact a scientific measurement of the quantity of spazzing out an organism is doing, even though The Professor continues to insist that it is not). So, the moth took off flying and crashed directly into my right eye.

My winged assaulter then proceeded to fly the short route between my eye and the lens of my glasses repeatedly and rapidly, alternatingly bouncing off of the glass of the lens and the lid of my eye (thankfully my eyelid has that built in “close you fool!” reflex, because, heaven knows, I wasn’t thinking quickly enough to shut it).

I’m pretty sure the little bugger completed his Kamikaze circuit at least 20,000 times in the ten seconds it took me to wrest my glasses from my face (you know, sometimes my glasses just fall off, but during this moth-related emergency they seemed to be cemented onto my ears with some sort of invisible glue).

I, naturally, remained completely calm and relaxed throughout the whole experience.

By “calm” I mean, naturally, “screaming and running around”(that counts as cardio, right?). I’m pretty sure the moth was screaming, too. The Professor says that moths can’t scream. But, the moth was right by my eye, and I’m fairly certain I could see his little mouth screaming.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I’ll Just Poke Myself In The Eye Duh! Moments bugs insects freaking outI’m also pretty sure that when a giant insect is attempting to gain entry into your body by way of your eyeball, it’s the perfect time for screaming. Now, granted, this was a tiny moth, but I think the appropriate-screaming-time designation still applies.

You never know what those things are capable of morphing into. After all, moths start out like little worms. They somehow turn themselves into an animal that can fly. Who knows what they can change into if one of them somehow manages to burrow into my brain. I’m not about to give one of them access to my gray matter by way of my eyeball just to see what flies out later. I ‘m still using my brain. Well, some of it, anyway.

After panicking, and barely managing to survive this furry, aerial assault, I then, as so frequently happens when I’m involved in something stupid I hope no one else in the world ever finds out about, felt a deep need to tell someone about it.

Very often, partly because he’s nearby, and partly because I know he won’t tell anyone (who’d believe him anyway?) I decided to tell The Professor what happened.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I’ll Just Poke Myself In The Eye Duh! Moments bugs insects freaking outHe started off pretty interested, because my moth incident had resulted in a puddle on the floor. He’s always interested in the composition of puddles, partly because he’s a scientist interested in chemicals and partly because he’s a dad interested in not stepping in piddle.

He sort of lost interest in my short tale of moth woe early on when he determined I’d created the puddle when I dropped my bottle of water while doing graceful ninja moves (my description) (probably would have been referred to as “I think mom is having a seizure” had any of my pack been witnesses) in an effort to evade my furry winged stalker.

As I was demonstrating the bizarre trajectory the moth took, I managed to poke myself in the eye with my fingernail. I thought this was an especially brilliant move on my part because I was wearing my glasses at the time.

The Professor didn’t seem impressed with my finger agility or the extent of my injury. In fact, he went so far as to imply that I was over-reacting to the situation, and by “imply” I mean he  actually said, “You’re over-reacting to this situation.”

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I’ll Just Poke Myself In The Eye Duh! Moments bugs insects freaking outMy temporary blindness didn’t seem to raise any sympathy either. He did suggest that I only type on the left side of the page until my vision in my nail-impaled right eye had returned to its normal clarity.

He’s a big help.

That’s ok, though. I won’t take his lack of compassion personally.

In fact, I’m thinking of surprising him with some homemade chocolate chip cookies to take to work tomorrow, if my eye stops watering soon enough to make them.

The surprise will be that they’re not going to be chocolate chip cookies. They’re going to be oatmeal cookies with raisins. He hates those. They get stuck in his teeth.

We’ll see who’s over-reacting when he bites into one of those.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Have you freaked out recently? Were your loved ones helpful, or too busy laughing? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

This column is based on I’ll Just Stick My Finger In My Eye, which first appeared on ginavalley.com May 11, 2013.

Socks ARE The Devil!!!

Socks ARE The Devil!!!

by Gina Valley

They’re trying to drive me insane.

No, not my pack.

Well, them, too, but I’m talking about those knit, Ninja-skilled, foot festoon-ers.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Socks ARE The Devil!!! Laundry SocksIs there anything more futile and infuriating than trying to keep a supply of clean, paired up socks?

Oh. My. Gosh.

Why is that absolutely impossible to do?

Socks seem to disappear at our home right before our eyes. I’m not sure whether to call it a miracle or a curse, but whatever it is, I can’t seem to stop it.

Once I bought a pack of 12 pairs for Son#4 at the Big Blue store. By the time we got to our van in the parking lot, the package was down to 10 pairs. By the time we got home, it was already down to 8. And, he hadn’t even opened the package yet.

Chances are, of those 8 pairs, only 3 pairs actually made it to the laundry room for cleaning and re-wearing. The rest of them likely took off to live stinky, free-range lives under the bathroom cabinet, in the back of his closet, or in our breakfast cereal cabinet.

Why can’t my family get their dirty socks off of their feet and directly into our laundry room, without a 3 day layover in our kitchen or on our dining room table? I’d have the socks complain to their travel agent, if I thought it’d do any good.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Socks ARE The Devil!!! Laundry SocksWe have a bucket in our laundry room that dirty socks are supposed to reside in. It’s actually more of a tub. It’s hard to miss. I keep getting larger and larger tubs, because I think the socks are climbing out and making a run for it, causing our supply to constantly dwindle.

Why does my pack refuse to corral the socks we can actually find? If they would just drop their used socks into the bucket, I could work my over-bleaching magic, and produce clean, slightly transparent foot cozies for them on a regular basis.

Maybe they’re afraid to have them washed because they know how socks in our home use laundry day as a starting point to begin world travels.

My dryer doesn’t just eat an occasional sock. No, it’s apparently running a complete sock protection and relocation program, sneaking socks across borders and in and out of houses throughout the world. I caught an argyle with a tiny Scottish passport in the last load I pulled from the dryer.

Of the 6 socks that made up those 3 identical pairs from the same package that I bought for Son#4 that day, only 3 socks will emerge from the laundry. And, not a one of those 3 socks, which were identical when they entered the washer, will look even slightly like a relative of the others as they exit the dryer.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Socks ARE The Devil!!! Laundry SocksHow come when I buy new socks and wash them, even though they all came out of the same package, when they come out of the dryer they’re invariably all different sizes, shapes and colors? What’s up with that?

The military should have such shape-shifting and camouflage technology!

After washing a full load of more than 50 pairs of socks, I end up with about 57 individual socks, and not a matched pair in the bunch.

I‘m considering moving to Hawaii, solely so that my pack won’t have to wear socks.

I’m pretty sure the savings in sock money for the first year alone would pay for the move.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Is your home a hideout for sock fugitives, too?  Do they disappear before or after you try to wash them?  Shoot me a comment with all of your suggestions for sock containment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng, metmuseum.orgDreamstime.com – Used with permission.

This column is based on Socks Are The Devil, which first appeared on ginavalley.com/ January 15, 2013.

To Be Young…Or Godzilla!!!

To Be Young…Or Godzilla!!!

by Gina Valley

I took two of my sons with me to the gym today.

They wanted to go.  I should have realized that was a bad sign.

I’ve been wanting to take them with me for a while now, so I could teach them how to use the equipment correctly.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley If Only I Was Young…Or Godzilla!!! Gym Working OutSo they would be safe.

So they would be knowledgeable.

So they would not need to go to the Emergency Room.

It seemed like a good idea.

The only problem was they didn’t seem to realize what a truly horrible place the gym is.

They had a great time.

I tried to explain to them that it is not a fun playground, no matter how much fun they thought they were having. I reminded them that gyms are such accursed places that they put them in prisons.

They are, apparently, too young to realize that the elliptical trainer is not a fun racing simulator, but actually punishment  for years of starting dinner with Oreo’s instead of salads.

They thought weighing themselves on the super accurate, right-there-in-front-of-everyone scale was a hoot. They even tried standing on it in different ways in an effort to make themselves heavier. Heavier.

I wouldn’t weigh myself on that scale even if there was a blackout and everyone in the gym was blind.

They weren’t the least bit self-conscious or uncomfortable, as they climbed onto the leg press machine, despite needing to contort themselves into what appears to be a gynecological exam position, with their knees nearly in their ears.

I blush every time I use that machine. They laughed and discussed whether tooting would provide them with enough jet propulsion to lift another 20 pounds (I’ve been victim to their tooting. It could easily lift another 40).

I came home feeling like I was dying and wishing I could take a nap. I wondered if I could just melt into our sofa.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley If Only I Was Young…Or Godzilla!!! Gym Working OutThey came home energized and ready to go for a run. They jogged around our block twice before coming into our house.

I was too tired to even mix my protein drink.

They made it for me, and then dashed out to re-arrange our garage. They were excited about doing some more lifting.

I could hear them laughing and joking as they moved around the heavy boxes and tools.

When they came in, they asked me if we could go to the gym again tomorrow.

Before school.

When it opens.

At 5:30 AM.

I think this is why Godzilla steps on young people.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do you have any overly enthusiastic gym-mates? Do your children like to work out? Does lifting a fork full of food to your mouth really burn calories?  Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it. And, I can’t get off of the sofa.

Photos courtesy of Dreamstime.com – Used with permission.
This post originally appeared right here on ginavalley.com titled Oh To Be Young…Or Godzilla!!!
on February 9, 2015.

I REALLY Need An Intervention!!!

I REALLY Need An Intervention!!!

by Gina Valley

The Food Network is like crack.

I know it’s bad for me, but I keep going right back to it time after time after time.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I like to cook. I love to cook, actually. But, watching the Food Network makes me yearn to cook like they cook. Nothing else will do.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I REALLY Need An Intervention Reality TV Food NetworkI look at my cooking scenario and nearly scream, “I can’t work like this!”

The Food Network makes me realize to prepare a proper piece of ingestible artistry I need my children off in a mysterious, unspoken wonderland, my kitchen pristine, and all of the ingredients pre-measured into those cool, little, clear glass bowls.

I’m pretty sure my kids broke all of those bowls. And, even if we had any, it would take me more than the hour long program to find them. Half the time I can’t even find our carton of eggs.

How can I possibly create amazing culinary delights in my chaotic life after watching cooking Utopia?  It’s too depressing. I don’t even have that magic sink you drop dirty dishes into which makes them disappear during the commercial break.

I wish they would do cooking shows for real people. I don’t mean those reality shows where contestants are given cactus chunks, a tomato, 6 artichokes and an unlabeled can, and told to prepare a meal for eight cowboys in under one hour.

How about a real show with real people showing real solutions to real problems?  Really.

How about a show where contestants must prepare a week’s worth of meals for preschoolers without using chicken nuggets, string cheese or Cheerios? No fair reminding them that Jonny currently refuses to eat anything orange (color, not flavor) or that Lily will “die” if any of her different foods touch.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I REALLY Need An Intervention Reality TV Food NetworkHow about a show where the host has to paw and burrow through a real home’s cupboards in an effort to find the ingredients and the pan to make meatloaf before a 3 year old wakes up from her spontaneous nap, which can only mean she’s getting sick, all while helping a 14 year old with her algebra homework and showing a 10 year old how to make a Diary Of a Wimpy Kid diorama.

How about they show us how to make that cream puff tower surrounded by spun sugar while a mother-in-law hovers over every move, constantly repeating in a heavy, old world accent, “Oooh, the next time you see me, I’ll be dead,” without the chef engaging in any eye-rolling or snappy comebacks, such as, “Don’t make promises you aren’t going to keep!” That would be holiday magic.

How about they show us what to make when your stockyard-owning friends from Texas and that nice vegan couple with the peanut and soy allergies you met at the soccer tournament in Malibu both come over for dinner on the same night. Surely, there is something that can be made for them all, besides reservations.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I REALLY Need An Intervention Reality TV Food NetworkAnd, how about a show where they make dinner with what we have when we have neither the basics nor time for a trip to the grocery store? I’d love to see them come up with something yummy using only the slightly wilted lettuce, 2 cans of garbanzo beans, a half used tub of fromage blanc cheese, and the pound of ground meat left in the back of our fridge at the end of the week. Now that would be a challenge.

Especially since I think that ground meat might actually be spinach from last month.

If you need me, I’ll be hiding from my kitchen. And, the meat/spinach.

I’ll probably be watching The Food Network.

I need an intervention.

Laugh  Out Loud!

-gina

Do you watch The Food Network? Do you have a favorite show you love or love to hate? How about the other “reality” networks like HGTV or DIY or Lifetime?  Do you find inspiration or frustration? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photo courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission

This piece is based on a column which first appeared as I Need An Intervention here on ginavalley.com on November 28, 2012.

You May Think It’s Funny, But It’s Snot

You May Think It’s Funny, But It’s Snot

by Gina Valley

Sometimes, I do something I’m proud of myself for doing.

This was not one of those times.

I was at the hair place today for a much needed session with The Hair Whisperer. After she thoroughly coated my hair with some sort of magical goo, The Hair Whisperer had me sit under one of those giant, chair-mounted hair dryers.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley You May Think It’s Funny, But It’s Snot!!! Embarrassing Everyone knows the dryers at a hair salon are akin to Sanctuary, and no one under a dryer is to be disturbed. Besides, you can’t hear what anyone says to you when you’re under one of those giant heat spewers anyway.

I planted myself under Dryer #1. I was alone in the dryer area for the first few minutes, then a woman I’d never met planted herself under Dryer #4. Consistent with the Rules of Sanctuary, Woman Under Dryer #4 and I did not interact.

Now, I don’t know if God was testing me, or he just wanted to share a laugh, but at the very moment I happened to turn my head toward Woman Under Dryer #4, she sneezed.

It wasn’t a dainty little sneeze like many women do. Nor, was it a more feminine version of the male free-for-all explosion. No, this was more along the lines of what a blue whale does when it suddenly needs to clear its blow hole after 2 hours beneath the waves.

The force of her sudden nasal explosion created, as all the physicists might have expected, an equal and opposite reaction, causing her head to make a rapid acceleration toward the back of the dryer.

It didn’t even take a second for her velocity backward to be suddenly, and noisily, stopped by the back of the dryer hood, as signaled by a loud “thunk!” and a tremoring of the drier and chair.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley You May Think It’s Funny, But It’s Snot!!! Embarrassing Before I could open my mouth to ask if she was OK, the force of her head hitting the back of the dryer resulted in what I can only assume was some sort of rebound effect, causing her head to jolt forward, where it, predictably, collided with the front of the drier hood, as signaled by another loud “thunk!” and an increase in the tremoring of Dryer Number 4 and its chair.

I’m not proud to admit that every fiber of my being screamed out for me to laugh.

And, it was not just tempting to laugh. It was almost impossible not to. After all, a sneeze-induced, double head whacking is way past funny. It’s hilarious!

I tried not to laugh. Really, I did. I bit my lip. I thought about that horrible commercial about the abused animals. I remembered that time my grandpa wore his Speedo to the beach. But, nothing, no matter how sad or horrifying, could remove my need to giggle.

The more I tried not to laugh, the more I felt my body shake. Soon, tears were escaping my eyes. The fact that I shouldn’t laugh was making it nearly physically impossible not to do so.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley You May Think It’s Funny, But It’s Snot!!! Embarrassing The shell-shocked Woman Under Dryer #4 wrangled out from under Dryer #4 without touching the hood. I couldn’t help but think she had developed a fear of it, after having suffered through 2 rapid-fire collisions with the plastic crown. I wondered what the word was for a fear of hair dryers. This caused my need to giggle to increase even more.

At that point I realized The Hair Whisperer had returned to check my warming tresses. She was standing next to me, her mouth gaping, a clear indication she had witnessed the sneeze-off, as well.

I knew if I made eye contact with The Hair Whisperer I would dissolve into a laughing heap, so I focused on the floor and continued to bite my lip in an effort to maintain control until Woman No Longer Under Dryer #4 was well out of earshot.

As Woman No Longer Under Dryer #4 crossed in front of me on a trajectory toward the restroom, I lost my mind. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sure, looking back, if I had simply followed the rules of Sanctuary, everything would have been fine. But, I couldn’t do it. I don’t know why. I just couldn’t help myself.

Barely able to contain my laughter, I heard myself, in what must have been a completely involuntary action, say to Woman No longer Under Dryer #4, “Bless you.”

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley You May Think It’s Funny, But It’s Snot!!! Embarrassing She stiffened, and glared at me.

I might have been more taken aback by her giving me the evil eye had I not been so distracted her smock.

The salon staff outfits each client in a black smock upon arrival. The smocks make you feel like you’re at the height of fashion, and they’re great at hiding any wayward blobs of goo during the miraculous transformations the various aestheticians wrought.

When Woman No Longer Under Dryer Number 4 turned to give me the look I suddenly became aware of another effect of her nostril work out. Not only had the explosion released a tremendous amount of energy, resulting in her double-head-whacking, it had also apparently released an artful display of her nasal…er uh…productions.

It looked as though someone had airbrushed a delicate, glistening map of the cosmos on the front of Woman No Longer Under Dryer #4’s smock, and had dropped a couple big planets into the mix. The bright lights shining from the ceiling made the strands and blobs glisten against the black background.

I almost expected to hear Carl Sagan telling me which heavenly body each splotch on her smock represented.

#Funny You May Think It’s Funny, But It’s Snot!!! – Laugh All About It!!! http://ginavalley.com/ #Humor #embarrassing But, I did not expect to hear The Hair Whisperer whisper in my ear, “I think we might need to throw out that smock.”

But, she did, and I’m not proud to admit I lost the battle to keep from giggling. I lost it big time. I didn’t just giggle. I laughed. I snorted. I guffawed. I laughed again. I hee’d. I haw’d. I totally dissolved into a shaking, crying pile of hilarity.

I never saw Woman No Longer Under Dryer #4 come out of the restroom. That might be because I was nearly blind from crying due to laughing so hard. Or, she might still be in there. It’s a shame, though, because I wanted to apologize to her.

So, Woman Under Dryer #4, if you’re reading this, I apologize for laughing during what was likely a mortifying and traumatic experience for you.

I admit I thought it was funny at the time.

But, I see now that it’s snot.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Have you ever done something totally embarrassing in a public place? Have you witnessed someone else embarrassing themselves? How’d you handle it? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Be sure to get first notice about my humor writings by subscribing to my email notices by clicking that lovely box at the top, right of this page. You’ll receive convenient updates when I post on this website. I promise not to do anything weird or annoying with your email address.

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And, as always, I appreciate all of your support.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission
This post originally appeared here on ginavalley.com in March 2014 titled You Might Think It’s Funny, But It’s Snot.

Top 10 Topics My Sons Are Bickering About

Top 10 Topics My Sons Are Bickering About …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

Listening to a couple of my kids argue about which side of the field had the greenest grass while we waited for their brother to finish at soccer practice yesterday brought this piece to mind. Laugh along with this Gina’s Favorites post.

Top 10 Topics My Sons Are Bickering About

They say children help you live longer. I say it just feels longer.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Topics My Sons Are Bickering About Sibling RivalryTake Sunday afternoon, for example.

Please, take it.

I had planned a relaxing afternoon for our family. Unfortunately, I neglected to consult the Calendar Of Childish Insanity prior to making my plans.

If I had consulted it, I would have been advised that my 2 youngest sons were scheduled to slip into grumpy-old-men mode and to bicker all afternoon.

What did they bicker about? “What didn’t they bicker about?” would be an easier question to answer. But, here’s a few of the vitally important topics they decided to debate in a seemingly unending manner:

Top 10 Topics My Sons Are Bickering About

#10.  The correct way to pronounce “era.” It’s ear-uh! It’s air-uh! It’s ear-uh!! It’s air-uh!! It’s ear-uh!!! It’s air-uh!!! It’s enough to drive everyone around them insane.

#9.  Is it ok to eat the bread (cracker piece) before the wine (grape juice) when you’re taking communion. Yes, that was the argument they were having when our pastor had to stop preaching to shush them. Twice.

#8.  Whether trumpets or saxophones are better…for killing zombies.  I guess they want to be prepared in case zombies show up at their next band concert.

#7.  Which of our dogs is smarter. I’ve got news for them – I don’t think either dog is going to be asked to join Mensa anytime soon.

#6.  Whose turn it was to tell their sister that it’s her turn to take out the trash. I think I saw the cat roll his eyes before burying his head under a pillow during this exchange.

#5.  Whose boxers are on the floor in our dining room. Yes, dining room. They argued about this for half an hour, and then decided the boxers did not belong to either of them. Apparently, they believe our neighbors are dropping by in the middle of the night, and leaving underwear in our dining room.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Topics My Sons Are Bickering About Sibling Rivalry#4.  Why a pencil is called a “pencil.” Seriously. This banter was so horrible it even sucked the life out of our few living houseplants.

#3.  Which of the twin brothers who are teachers at their school looks more like “that guy in that movie.” That’s right, they couldn’t remember the guy’s name or the movie’s name, and were undeterred by the fact that these 2 men are identical twins.

#2.  Who should have to get out of our van first. Keep in mind this lovely discussion, complete with insults and whining, took place while the two boys, who normally race to see who can get out first, were seated exactly equal distances from the door, both, apparently wanting to live out their days inside of our van, subsisting on the plentiful supply of stale Cheerios and petrified chicken nuggets crammed down the seats.

#1.  Whether some guy, named Zak, cheated when he ran a 6 minute mile in PElast yearThey nearly came to blows over this one, and, frankly, I don’t even know who the heck Zak is, much less care if he cheated.

Now, where did I put those boarding school brochures?

And, do they take moms?

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Have you been witness to a marathon bicker-fest in your family? Anyone grumpy in your neck of the woods? How do you handle it? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng & Dreamstime.com– Used with permission

That’s NOT A Kodak Moment!!!

That’s NOT A Kodak Moment!!!

by Gina Valley

It’s that time of year.

I’m a bit envious of all the Hallmark and Kodak moments everyone seems to be having. It’s even worse now that they arrive via email and Facebook, along with the ever faithful snail mail batches.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley That’s NOT A Kodak Moment!!! Holiday Cards Family PhotosYou see, we don’t have Hallmark moments or Kodak moments.

What we have is closer to America’s Funniest Video moments, except that, of course, no one brought the video camera, and even if they had, it’s not charged and the memory card is full.

We have moments like when I noticed my youngest son had something brown running down his leg when he got out of our van in the school parking lot. Keep in mind his leg was in pristine, post-shower condition when we left our house, so the mystery substance was somehow acquired en route to school, while in our van.

My husband gave me the “Don’t ask! Don’t tell!” look that parents often exchange when they know there is no way the answer can be good news. I, fool that I am, ignored him and asked our son what was running down his leg. He shrugged, and said, “I dunno.” Then, he stuck his finger in it and tasted it, before pronouncing it “Bar B Q sauce!” I had an “I’m Not Sure Whether I Should Throw Up Or Laugh” moment.

We have moments like when my oldest daughter over-slept, and we were all in our van waiting none-to-patiently for her when she came dashing out of our house, dressed in her school uniform, and practically threw herself into our van. She was carrying her shoes and backpack while she frantically brushed her hair and tucked in her school uniform shirt.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley That’s NOT A Kodak Moment!!! Holiday Cards Family PhotosI immediately drove off, as we were so far past late at that point we were almost early for the next time. As I pulled into the church parking lot, she asked, “Why are we stopping at church?” to which her oldest brother replied, “because it’s Sunday morning, smart one. Nice outfit, by the way.” My daughter, then, had an “I Need A Hole To Crawl Into Now” moment.

We have moments like when I went to have the nail lady make me look like a grown up again (I really should not be allowed near nail polish. It’s not my gift) & our boy puppy, (despite the fact that I gave him his medicine, which has the side effect of making him sleep for a couple hours, before I left) apparently only slept for a couple minutes, got bored, and shredded everything he could get his paws on in our family room, including all of the empty gift bags I had bought the day before to use for Christmas gifts.

As if his destruction was incomplete, while I was gathering up the tattered remains of the formerly beautiful gift bags, our puppy stood in the middle of the mess and started to make that sound that every dog owner dreads: the sound that signals something is about to make a reappearance that should not be making a reappearance. The sound that something evil this way comes. The sound that triggers screaming and the rushing of the canine out of the house.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley That’s NOT A Kodak Moment!!! Holiday Cards Family PhotosBut, he’s young and pliable and quick, and I couldn’t catch him, much less relocate him, prior to his completing his re-visitation with the ingested gift bag parts. I braced myself in anticipation of his “I Ate Too Much Shredded Paper” moment.

Turns out, he didn’t have an “I Ate Too Much Shredded Paper” moment.

No, he had an “I Ate Too Much Glitter…And Someone’s Glove” moment.

I, then, had a “Yet Another Reason I Hate Glitter” moment.

Immediately followed by an “Oh Crud, That’s My Glove” moment.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What kind of moments are you having? Is your family more Kodak or crazy moment prone? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing what you think.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission

STUPID Stuff I’m Thankful For

STUPID Stuff I’m Thankful For

by Gina Valley

Maybe the reason I’m so bugged by those 30 Days of Thankfulness lists is that I don’t have such a grandiose collection.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m certainly thankful for the biggies: health, friends, family, and my Savior.

But, most of the time, when I hear myself offering up spontaneous thanks, it’s for much less impressive stuff. Stuff that’s less oh wow! and more oh duh!

You know, stupid stuff.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley STUPID Things I’m Thankful For Thanksgiving

I’m thankful a cup of tea doesn’t turn into Jello when I reheat it for the 47th time in one day, because I can’t seem to remember to drink it during that 3 second period when it’s between scorching hot and ice cold.

I’m thankful my thoughts are not broadcast to the world during my time in the morning carpool line at the middle school…or during the last PTA meeting.

I’m thankful it makes me smile when I look at a digital clock and it’s 11:11.

I’m thankful for the rare occasion when the doorbell rings, and there isn’t any AWOL underwear lying under our dining room table…or on it.

I’m thankful my daughter told me her friend’s mom is more unreasonable about wanting her house clean than I am. If I’m going to be categorized as unreasonable it’s nice to know I’m not the most unreasonable parent on the planet…yet.

I’m thankful our dogs cannot speak to me… or about me. It really would ruin our whole relationship.

I’m thankful I was on the phone with her, so she couldn’t see the expression on my face, when my Great Aunt Celia told me she doesn’t think deodorant is safe, has decided to stop wearing it, and wants me to check to see if she smells bad the next time I stop by

I’m thankful Amazon stocks 1876 natural, organic, safe deodorant products and will ship 780 of them in two days or less for free.

I’m thankful socks aren’t foot dependent, as far as which to apply them to. Shoes give me more than enough trouble in that department.

I’m thankful my son told me the chicken I made for him to take to his Friendsgiving Dinner was so good his vegetarian friend ate a couple pieces.

And, if these made you smile, I’m thankful for that, too.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Have you made a long list of your thankfulness-es? Or, do you keep it spontaneous?  What stupid stuff are you thankful for? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking thankfully forward to hearing all about it.

Photo courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission