Cornbread Etiquette

Cornbread Etiquette

by Gina Valley

When I got to my kitchen this morning I realized that we had slipped into anarchy.

Total anarchy.

Cornbread anarchy, but anarchy nonetheless.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Cornbread Etiquette Mess

If we can’t maintain decorum when dealing with carbs, what hope do we have for handling the truly difficult dealings of life in a proper, orderly fashion?

Of course, looking around my home, “decorum,” “proper,” and “orderly fashion” aren’t so much the words that spring to mind.  Nonetheless, hope for them springs eternal within me.

I make rockin’ cornbread.  I do.  And, I don’t even like cornbread.  But, mine rocks.

My pack loves it, and tends to descend upon it like a flock of ravenous vultures.  Vultures with, apparently, no sense of decorum.

They’re cornbread snobs, really.  They can spot “mix cornbread” a mile away.  They’ve grown up with my scratch recipe, and even look down on Marie Callender’s cornbread, which is the gold standard around here.

So, for the sake of my dear pack, let’s review the proper way to interact with this golden delight.

Cornbread Etiquette:

  • Cornbread shall be divided into tidy rectangles, of approximately the same size, prior to distribution.
  • Cornbread shall not be divided into shapes resembling Sponge Bob’s starfish friend, Patrick nor resembling a child’s foot nor resembling  Harry, from One Direction.
  • Cornbread shall be carved into the aforementioned rectangles using the rounded plastic table knife, as this preserves the pristine condition of the pan it was cooked in, and provides a sanitary way to carve it.
  • Cornbread shall not be carved with my best chopping knife, which makes giant gashes in the pan and will then no longer even chop eggs easily, nor shall it be carved with one’s hands, the sanitary condition of which are always open for debate.
  • Cornbread shall acquire its honey drizzle only after it has found a comfortable home on a plate, preferably a clean one, although plate cleanliness choices are really the cornbread eater’s decision.
  • Cornbread shall not acquire its honey drizzle by being dragged through a puddle of honey one created on the counter, which runs down both the cabinets and the stove and in between the stove and the wall, to “save time.”
  • Cornbread shall be eaten only after one has seated one’s self at the table.
  • Cornbread shall not be eaten while in transit throughout our home, resulting in a trail of Golden crumbs and chunks that leads one to wonder if perhaps Hansel and Gretel are lost in our abode.
  • And, most importantly, cornbread discovered in the kitchen before school shall be considered off limits until one has personally received direct, face-to-face  permission to proceed to eat it from the baker of the cornbread.
  • Cornbread discovered in the kitchen before school shall not be eaten, much less completely decimated by 3 siblings before the crack of dawn, as the baker stayed up 2 extra hours after finishing her work the night before to make it to go with today’s dinner, and now we will be having saltines with our salmon, instead.

If we all work together we can make this a better world for everyone.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Does your family attack certain foods?  Do you like cornbread?  How do you get honey off of the wall?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Someone Murdered Our Microwave

Someone Murdered Our Microwave

by Gina Valley

I made the mistake of opening our microwave this morning.  I don’t know what I was thinking.  I should know better by now.

The day before yesterday I took my first dose of a new medicine.  This was a big deal for me because, in general, I don’t do medicine.

My body seems to think when I swallow a pill that it’s an insult, and it reacts like a moody teenager.  It tends to either ignore the medicine completely, rendering it useless, or, it does the opposite, and totally over reacts. So, whenever possible, I opt out of the whole medicine thing.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley But, as my doctor thought this was a necessary medicine, and I pretty much agreed, I filled the prescription and took it home with me.

Yesterday I took the second dose.  About an hour later my body told me to seek medical attention (I’m fine now. Don’t worry).

Before he sent me home, the on-call doctor told me to go to bed, and to stay home from work because this is a slow release medicine so the effects will be with me for 24 hours.  He also pointed out that it could also be a badly timed case of food poisoning or some medical anomaly.  Precision like that in diagnosis is always reassuring.

My pack and The Professor were left to fend for themselves for the night while I burrowed deep into my bed behind a closed bedroom door to sleep off the medicine’s side effects (or the mystery food poisoning or the medical anomaly or whatever it was).

This morning I must have still been experiencing the effects, as I was obviously not thinking clearly or I’d have known better than to open our microwave the morning after my family had spent time unsupervised in our kitchen.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley It was not a pretty sight.

I felt like a cross between an anthropologist and a CSI investigator as I stared at the stains and splatters.

As I considered the state of our microwave oven, it seemed fitting that this week’s Throwback Day post be my If It’s Burnt, It’s Cajun post.  You can read my If It’s Burnt, It’s Cajun post in its entirety below, or, for you hardcore readers, you can click on one of these magic links to read my If It’s Burnt, It’s Cajun post in its original location.

Either way I’ll meet you there (don’t tell my doctor.  I’m supposed to be sleeping).

If It’s Burnt, It’s Cajun

I received a letter from my kids’ school with a list of suggested activities to combat Summer Learning Loss.  Summer Learning Loss?  NOT a problem at my house.  Summer Mommy Mind Loss – huge problem.  That’s what I need to combat.  My kids, however, are learning plenty of things.

http://ginavalley.com/    Someone Murdered Our Microwave – Read & Laugh All About It!As always my children have selected their own mode of learning.  This year it’s being facilitated by our microwave (As a former engineer I am bound by my lifetime membership in the siblinghood of geekiness to point out that it is not a microwave.  It is a microwave oven.  It uses invisible microwaves to cook.  My children hate when I point this out.  I hate when they leave their underwear in the kitchen. This makes us even.  For today).

And, what have they learned thus far this summer through their semi-clandestine, non-approved course of study? Allow me to provide you with a list.  It’s not an exhaustive list, but having them do all this has been exhausting!

Just yesterday morning my children proved that microwaves have x-ray vision.  They can see right through the lid on the peanut butter jar to the tiny shard of aluminum foil stuck to the top of that jar.  And, they don’t like that shard.

Microwaves are strong.  They can produce enough heat inside the aforementioned plastic (thankfully) peanut better jar to make enough pressure to blow up the lid like a balloon in about 13 seconds.  According to an anonymous child source “it looks really cool.”

http://ginavalley.com/    Someone Murdered Our Microwave – Read & Laugh All About It!Microwaves are patriotic. They produce fireworks in the form of sparks shooting out from said peanut butter jar in 15 seconds.  A thick, black, kitchen filling, alarm-triggering cloud of toxic-smelling smoke is not far behind.

The peanut butter chronicles, actually an attempt by a child to make peanut sauce, took place yesterday.  But, they are far from the first lessons my off-spring have gleaned from their time with our microwave this summer.

Actually, this is our second microwave this summer.  We just bought it last week (I wonder if the peanut butter experiment was some sort of a “Welcome to Our Home” hazing for it or something, you know, to make the microwave feel welcome).  The first one was done in by a couple of earlier experiments that left it a bit dodgy, as it would start cooking at random and refuse to turn off until unplugged.

Daughter#1 deduced that Taco Bell burrito wrappers shoot out sparks after only a couple seconds and ignite the grease in the burrito shortly thereafter.  She’s also come to know that when there’s a fire in the kitchen it’s good manners, and good sense, to tell an adult what’s going on before running out into the street and screaming hysterically.

http://ginavalley.com/    Someone Murdered Our Microwave – Read & Laugh All About It!Son#1 has learned that when softening butter for cookies it is vital one does so for only 25 seconds, because when one accidently does so for 255 seconds the butter dissolves, seeps into the workings of the microwave, and bursts into a butter-scented Molotov cocktail kind of thing.   And, as Son#1 pointed out as the primary lesson the experiment taught him, Mom doesn’t make cookies that night if you set the microwave on fire.

The “heat up the metal fork with the plate of food in the microwave” experiment is still unclaimed.  But, though anonymously done, it provided evidence that a metal fork in the microwave for a minute or so produces enough flames and heat to both cremate the food beyond recognition and to melt the plastic plate enough to allow it and the metal fork to become one entity.

Another unclaimed experiment was the “Heat the Pop-tart in its Foil Pouch” inquiry.  Yes, it heats the Pop-tart. Flame will do that.  Yes, it also turns the interior of the microwave into charcoal.

We were taught by yet another unclaimed experiment (my children are such humble scientists!) that heated long enough, and by long enough I mean until someone smells smoke, even plain, dry toast will burst into flame.

Yesterday afternoon, Son#3, the peanut butter perpetrator of yesterday morning, asked if it would be ok if he heated a hot dog in the microwave.  I told him that would be fine and reminded him to cover it so it didn’t splatter around. Wouldn’t want to get grease spots on the morning’s new flame trails in there!

http://ginavalley.com/    Someone Murdered Our Microwave – Read & Laugh All About It!A couple minutes later I heard the unmistakable pop of a hot dog bursting.

No, he did not cover it.  Yes, it exploded and sprayed the entire inside of the microwave with hot dog bits.  Grease was even running under the microwave door and dripping down the cabinets.

The Professor, always one to have perfect timing, walked into the kitchen to find the three of us standing there staring at the grease trails racing down the cabinet.  “What on earth?!” he asked (You know, honestly, after all these years with all of our children and all of their disasters, I don’t know why he still asks.  After all, he doesn’t really want to know. I’m not even sure why he still risks coming into the kitchen).

Now I hate a mess.  And, the idea of having to clean the microwave for the second time in the same day was not the least bit appealing.  But, the exploding hot dog experiment was worth it,  just to see the look on The Professor’s face when Son#4 pointed to Son#3 and told his dad, ”His wiener sprayed all over it.”

The Professor looked at Son#4, who nodded.  He looked at Son#3, who nodded.  He looked again at the liquid trailing down the cabinets. Then, he made a beeline for the foyer, grabbed his hat & keys, and was out the door before we had recovered from laughing and could clarify that we were dealing with a former hot dog.

I hollered out the front door after The Professor, “Where are you going?”

He said, “To buy another bloody microwave!” and slammed his car door.

I didn’t stop him.  We’ll probably need it next week anyway.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What do you do to combat summer learning loss?  What about summer parent mind loss?  Please, shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it!

PS 

Now before any one recommends we get one of those over the oven microwaves let me say that I am too short to reach those, and, even if I wasn’t I am not nearly coordinated enough to be lifting hot things over my or anyone else’s head.

Also, no, my young kids are not supposed to use the microwave unsupervised.

Yes, my teens are equally guilty for creating microwave pyrotechnics.

And, yes, we have several fire extinguishers AND a smoke alarm in the kitchen, and our homeowners’ insurance is paid up.

And, no, I won’t let my kids read this column because it’s not funny when you mess up with the microwave.  Except the hot dog thing.  That was pretty funny.

 

Click on over to these posts for more kitchen laughs:

Is My Fridge A Felon?

Fridge Ed

How To Make Ice Cubes – An Old Family Recipe

If I’m Ugly It’s Cuz My Kids Didn’t Put The Milk Away

Crime Scenes In The Kitchen

How To Make Rice – More Fun Than The Xbox

As always, the extra clicks count as cardio.

Thank you for reading and sharing!

I Am A Superhero

I Am A Superhero

by Gina Valley

I am a Superhero.

This might be a sign of impending cataclysmic event.  You should probably stock up on bottled water.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley I Am A Superhero Unending LaundryI can hardly believe it.

I finished all our laundry!

Well, except for the bedding.  Everyone’s blankets need washing. The pillows need laundering, too. Some of them are so lively that they sing my kids to sleep.

And, the slip covers on the sofas and the footstools. Those all need the refreshing a bath will give them.  I can’t remember what color they‘re supposed to be.

And, the clothes my kids have spread all over their bedroom floors.  Some of them are so grungy that they can practically march themselves down to our laundry room at this point, but they steadfastly refuse to do so.

And, the kitchen rug.  It’s got an “Is that food or did someone track something in here from the zoo?” kind of thing goin’ on.

And, the pile of dog-drying towels on the patio chair by the back door.  Even when they’re dry they smell like wet dog.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley I Am A Superhero Unending LaundryAnd, the living room drapes. Do you think the spider that has covered them with cobwebs also grabbed a marker and drew the pictures of exploding eyeballs all over them?  It almost looks like a dust covered paisley. Maybe I should leave them alone. Another couple weeks and sod might spring forth from their folds.

And, the 2 dozen or so socks crammed under the shoe rack on the porch.  I’m hoping the neighbors think those are some sort of exotic spring bulb.

And, Son#1’s pile of sweat rags in his gym bag.  Now I know what a tomb smells like.  I will not be the pallbearer for those.

And, Son#2’s mud soaked sneakers.  Because he would have “looked like a doofuss” if he’d put on his water shoes instead while they were hunting tadpoles.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley I Am A Superhero Unending LaundryAnd, last but not least every hat in the hall closet and all the clothes in the dress up trunk, because the kid down the street who’s given my kids head lice 3 different times was over playing dress up yesterday.

So…

Anyway…

I finished all our laundry.

You just have to understand that by “all our laundry” I mean “all our laundry that was piled up into a possibly wiggling, definitely gravity-defying mountain in our laundry room.”

Yeah.

I finished all our laundry.

I am a Superhero.

Which, now that I think about it, means I have more laundry.

I wonder how often I’m gonna need to wash my cape.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Is your laundry always growing?  Do you sometimes think someone is sneaking in extra from the neighborhood?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

For more laundry laughs click over to some of my other posts.  As always, the extra click to get there counts as cardio:

Stupid Washing Machine

The Dirty Laundry Road To Spiritual Enlightenment

Socks Are The Devil

I’m Not A Complete Idiot!

Thank you for reading! I’ll meet you over there!

The Dirty Laundry Road To Spiritual Enlightenment

The Dirty Laundry Road To Spiritual Enlightenment

Dear Family,

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your efforts in the maintenance of our abode.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Family Laundry Hamper  Floor Refrigerator Door Outerwear Photosynthesis Germs Dirt Letters to My FamilyYour efforts have made our home the socially, spiritually, and scientifically significant example that it is.  To that end, I have considered the rules which were set forth to guide our behavior into a mutually beneficial, harmonious melody, and have decided that some changes and recognitions are in order.

Firstly, I would like to thank you for choosing the floor and not the hamper.  I don’t know what I was thinking with that hamper thing. Your creative use of floor-based laundry storage has been thorough and inspiring.

No longer must the dog waste valuable time in efforts to pry the lid off of the hamper in an attempt to get at your aroma dissipating castoffs.  Now, he can simply snarf up one of your unmentionables from your bedroom, the bathroom, or, especially delightfully, the kitchen floor anytime he needs a snack without risking life and paw by trapping himself in the lid to the hamper.  Again.

Also, traipsing over your outwear, which you have so artfully laid about covering the floor of the hall to the laundry room, lifts me to a higher spiritual plain, as I can’t help but echo choruses of  “Hosanna” each time I trod across your coats and jackets.

Further, I would like to recognize your decision to leave the refrigerator door open at all times as a truly inspired safety conscious choice.  It will shave valuable seconds off of our refrigerator access time, in the event of a refrigerator access emergency.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Family Laundry Hamper Floor Refrigerator Door Outerwear Photosynthesis Germs Dirt Letters to My FamilyI applaud your recognition of the value of all living things, and apologize for my insensitivity to your respect for all life and your desire to preserve and protect it.

I recognize now that your refusal to dispose of things beyond inedible is not laziness, but rather a moral decision.   Rather than a speed bump on the way to a sanitary food storage realm, I should consider you a conscientious objector to the war to eradicate life forms my culture of cleanliness has taught me to fear.

I suppose I must admit that to assume that all dirt and germs are bad is microscopic profiling, and, profiling is wrong.

Moreover, the open refrigerator door is a boost to the science experiments that seem to be growing in the formerly shadowed back of the refrigerator, among the life encouraging containers of goo that you have so conscientiously preserved.  The addition of the photosynthesis opportunities the open door policy provides has encouraged the development of a diverse array of refrigerator based cultures and populations.

I am looking forward to the higher grades you will achieve in science this term based upon the amazing projects you can develop and study thanks to this open-door and non-throw out policy.

Love,

Mom

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Is your family filled with budding scientists and ever-helpful social guides, too?   Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it!

Don’t Eat THAT!!!

Don’t Eat THAT!!!

The Professor came out of our kitchen looking rather glum a couple nights ago.  One might even say, “downtrodden,” were one living in the 1800’s.

Astute wife that I am, I asked, “What?”

“Droppings,” he answered in typical guy minimalistic verbiage.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Mix Up Poop Chocolate Sprinkles Chocolate ChipsDroppings?” I replied, concern rising.  Droppings could mean any of a number of things, and not one of them was good.

“On the counter,” he managed to whisper before sinking into the sofa (we really need a new sofa).

I felt my stomach knot up.  “Whose?” I asked softly, although inside I was screaming, “Oh, please don’t let it be one of the kids’ ‘droppings’!”

“Hard to say. Mouse. Maybe a small rat,” he ticked off with absolutely no emotion.  He is just the worst at knowing when to panic.

I was already trying to decide whether to take time to pack, or to just burn the house down right away.  I do not do well with free range rodents.

“Now that I think about it, it’s probably just a mouse,” he said way too cheerfully.  I think he thought that was going to be comforting information somehow.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Mix Up Poop Chocolate Sprinkles Chocolate ChipsI grabbed the bleach from our laundry room, and headed for our kitchen to de-droppingize it.  The Professor is usually called into duty for nasty jobs like this.  But, as the stomach flu has hit several of our pack this week, and they haven’t been great about hitting their basins, he’s been on HazMat duty quite a lot.  I figured he deserved to sit this one out.

We have light colored counters (obviously the builder thought we’d want to accentuate every speck of dirt), so it was easy to spot the droppings.  There were about 30 of them trailing along the counter and on the floor in front of it.

Just as I was about to spray the bleach solution on them, I noticed something about these droppings wasn’t right.  I moved in closer to confirm my suspicions.  They seemed a bit too symmetrical.

I brushed the ones on the counter into my hand, and worked hard to suppress a grin as I approached The Professor.  I held out my hand, revealing the droppings.  “Are these them?” I asked, gruffly.

A look of absolute disgust came over him.  “You shouldn’t hold those in your hand.  They’re so germy, Gina!” he chastised.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Mix Up Poop Chocolate Sprinkles Chocolate Chips

I cocked my head to the side a bit to try to pull off deep thought, and said, “You’re absolutely right!” Then, I tossed them into my mouth and sat back down at my computer.

He turned absolutely white.  It was wonderful.  I made a mental note to repeat this with our pack. They are great fun to freak out, too.

I let him stew for a few minutes before I explained.  Our kids had made ice cream sundaes.  The “droppings” were escaped chocolate sprinkles.

That got me thinking about how so many foods look like poo.  So, for Throwback Day this week I decided I had to go with my Please Don’t Eat The Chocolate Chips post.

It’s a short letter to my family that’s quite full of giggles.  You’ll have to read it to see if poo comes up or not (something about that sentence doesn’t sound right, but I’m sure you know what I mean).  So, click on over to  Please Don’t Eat The Chocolate Chips to get the whole story.

I’ll meet you over at  Please Don’t Eat The Chocolate Chips.  You bring the chocolate.  I’ll bring the laughs.

Remember, as always, the extra click counts as cardio.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Have you had a case of mistaken poop-identity?  Do you double check your chocolate sprinkles before you eat them?  Do you trust raisin toast?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

I Can’t Think ‘Cause My Brain Is Pine Scented

I Can’t Think ‘Cause My Brain Is Pine Scented

by Gina Valley

I don’t know what it is about this time of year, but there is a special something in the air that makes me feel…

what’s the word…

INSANE!

I completely lose my mind and forget even the most basic knowledge, which I thought had been deeply ingrained in my soul.  I’m not talking about the everyday stuff, like my consistent inability to keep track of what day of the week it is.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Christmas Crafting Holiday Mess Location Draperies Throwback Day Brain Futz Silk Table Cloth Pinecone Markers

I’m talking major stuff like thinking I will ever iron that acetate shirt I bought so I can wear it to holiday parties all season instead of for just the one on the day I brought it home from the store, or that recipes from Pinterest turn out anything like the picture and really are quick and easy.

But, by far, my biggest brain futz seems to be with crafting.

For some reason, which I assume has something to do with a lack of oxygen reaching me, due to the proliferation of candles, cookies baking, and pine tree fumes, I believe that crafting something will not only be a fun, relaxing way to make holiday gifts and decorations, but also a great way to bond with my kids and to save some money.

HA!

Our first craft project this season, the complete step by step details of which will be forth coming in a future post, resulted in a silk table cloth “decorated” with blood and sap, a teen storming off ’cause he “never gets to do anything!”, and a near-stitches-worthy, tetanus-shot-needing gash.  Sigh.

It’s the most beautiful time of the year.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Christmas Crafting Holiday Mess Location Draperies Throwback Day Brain Futz Silk Table Cloth Pinecone MarkersWhile I was soaking the table cloth I got to thinking about how crafting had impacted (and by impacted I, of course, mean destroyed) other areas of our home.  My post Location, Location, Location: Planning For Your Disaster Area came to mind. I figured that would make an apropos Throwback Day post for this week.

So, here’s a peek at my Location, Location, Location: Planning For Your Disaster Area post:

…….It seems that if you leave the cap off a marker and lean it against a drapery, as my children are apt to do, the drapery fabric will suck the ink right out of the marker, creating a lovely splotch of color on the taupe colored drapes, which resembles either blood, barf, or poop, depending on the color of the marker.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Christmas Crafting Holiday Mess Location Draperies Throwback Day Brain Futz Silk Table Cloth Pinecone MarkersThis splotch takes on a life of its own and continues to climb and spread up the drape, mixing and mingling with other splotches and grubby finger prints as it encounters them, creating ever more intricate splotches.

It was fascinating!  I know this because as The Professor and I returned home after a dinner out last week and stood in our driveway, staring at the drapes, The Professor said, sounding way too pleased, “Looks just like something from my lab. It’s fascinating.  Really.  Quite fascinating.”  And, he was serious.   He was wrong, but quite serious!

Our tastes in décor are slightly different.  I tend to shy away from having our home look like a science experiment.  But, that’s just me…..

Meet me at Location, Location, Location: Planning For Your Disaster Area for the rest of the giggles.  You bring the chocolate.  I’ll bring the laughs.

As always, the extra click to get there counts as cardio.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do you have any crafting war stories?  Are you crafty or are those hot glue gun scars I see on your fingers?  Has anybody ever made something for you that you couldn’t identify?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it!

Crime Scenes In The Kitchen

Crime Scenes In The Kitchen

by Gina Valley

Dear Family,

Thank you to whoever put away the chocolate syrup last night.

Usually on post-ice-cream-sundae mornings I find the chocolate syrup still sitting on the kitchen counter, along with the carton of melted ice cream and the sticky, dripping scooper.  It was nice to come into the kitchen and find that you had made the effort to put everything away this time.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Chocolate Syrup CSI Crime Scene Tomatoes Lettuce Cantaloupe Batman Milk Eggs Roast Beef cheddar Sir Isaac Newton Mr. Clean Paper  Towels

Placing the chocolate syrup onto the top shelf of the refrigerator so that our little ones could not reach it and stage a repeat performance of last month’s Chocolate Syrup Squirting Follies was a brilliant idea.  There are still chocolate syrup stains on the sofa and a lovely splatter pattern on the foyer wall that I think will be with us forever.

Much as I appreciate your effort, and I truly do, please allow me to make a suggestion for the next time that you are returning the bottle of chocolate syrup to its chilly home.  I would appreciate it greatly if next time you would either place the bottle upright on the shelf or close the lid or, preferably, both.

When I entered our kitchen this morning a dark, oozing puddle flowing out from the bottom of the refrigerator created a site reminiscent of a CSI crime scene.  So much so, that it scared the dog.  He won’t even go into the kitchen now, which is not an entirely bad thing.

Upon opening the door to the refrigerator to investigate the puddle source I was reminded about something you’ll learn when you grow up. It’s a concept that the chocolate syrup and I are already very familiar with:  Gravity is not our friend.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Chocolate Syrup CSI Crime Scene Tomatoes Lettuce Cantaloupe Batman Milk Eggs Roast Beef cheddar Sir Isaac Newton Mr. Clean Paper TowelsI’m not sure how long it took for the chocolate syrup to make its exit from the bottle complete, but I am certain that it believed it had received orders to scatter upon exit, as it had clearly infiltrated every hub in our refrigerator.

The beveled, raised spill-prevention edge on the shelf had clearly done its job, if in fact that job was to spread out the spill so as to form a chocolate syrup waterfall along the entire edge of the shelf.

I checked in the crisper drawer, and it looks like something has seriously violated the sanctity of the tomatoes and the lettuce.  I’m not even going to bring up the condition of the cut cantaloupe.  It’s a tragedy.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Chocolate Syrup CSI Crime Scene Tomatoes Lettuce Cantaloupe Batman Milk Eggs Roast Beef cheddar Sir Isaac Newton Mr. Clean Paper TowelsThe milk jugs in the door look like they have donned Batman costumes.  I won’t even describe what has happened to the oh-so-porous eggs.  It’s just wrong.

I’m hoping everyone likes the chocolate-flavored roast beef and cheddar sandwiches we will be having for lunch.  I haven’t served roast beef or cheddar marinated in chocolate syrup before. Let’s just call it “Nouveau Cuisine,” or perhaps more accurately, “Gross-o Cuisine.”

I’m sure if he were here today Sir Isaac Newton would be quite pleased with your repeat proof of his gravitational theory.  But, if anyone is going to show up to our kitchen from the past I hope it’s Mr. Clean, and that he brings that guy with the paper towels.  This is clearly at least a two man clean up job.

After last month’s Chocolate Syrup Squirting Follies I was wondering if in fact chocolate syrup was immune to gravity and had the ability to fly under its own power.

I guess we’ve got that all cleared up now.

Thanks!

Love,

Mom

P.S.

Just in case later you’re looking for the halfway full gallon tub of ice cream or the scooper, I thought I better update you on their activities since you communed with them last night.

You placed the ice cream tub into the microwave, not the freezer.  FYI next time, the freezer is much taller and colder than the microwave.  As the microwave does not so much freeze stuff, the ice cream melted.  Fortunately, the tub it was in was upright. Unfortunately, it was made of waxed cardboard, which apparently melts away after being in contact with melted ice cream for 8 or more hours.

So, unless you have a way to suck the sticky liquid out of the inner workings of the microwave, we are out of ice cream.  We might be “out of microwave,” too.

You did return the scooper to its proper home in the third drawer down, to the left of the sink.  If you need it I’m sure it’s still there because the sticky ice cream-coated scooper apparently spent the night fusing itself permanently to the bottom of the drawer and other nearby utensils in its drawer neighborhood.

P.P.S.

I’m buying prepared, individual desserts tonight and you are all eating them outside.  At someone else’s house.  In another state.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Any good science experiments happen in your neck of the woods?  I’d love to hear about it.  Shoot me a comment with all the details.

Move Your Glass!

Move Your Glass!

I was shocked, SHOCKED!, to see a glass about midway full of some sort of brownish liquid sitting in the middle of the ottoman in our family room.  Just imagine.  One of my pack failing to clean up after him or herself?  I was shocked.  SHOCKED!!!Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Glass Half Full Half Empty Philosophy Optimist Pessimist

I wasn’t shocked they’d left the glass there.  I was shocked no one had spilled it yet.  Normally this glass would have been a pile of shards and a new stain on the floor already.

As I was carrying the AWOL beverage corral to our kitchen I was thinking about the whole half-full/half-empty thing.  Philosophers say that optimists say the glass is half-full, and that pessimists say the glass is half-empty.  But, in our house everyone has something to say about the glass.

The engineer in me says, “That glass is twice as big as it needs to be.”

The mom in me says, “That glass is an antique and has to be hand-washed.  Grrr!”

The Professor says, “I can’t believe someone is wasting that beverage.”

The 13 year-old says, “That is not my glass and I’m not picking it up.”

The 10 year-old says, “Why do I always have to do everything?”

The 17 year-old says, “We don’t really need to wash it. Just rinse it and it’ll be clean enough.  Who’s gonna know?”

The 22 year-old says, “Can I have this glass? My roommate broke all ours.”

The 16 year-old says, “Why won’t you buy me a car?”  (Some parts of life are unaffected by the glass)

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Glass Half Full Half Empty Philosophy Optimist PessimistThe 2 year-old says, “Mine! Mine! Mine! Gimme it!”

The 4 year-old says, “Why do we need a glass?  Why?”

The 12 year-old says,  ”I found a lizard.  Can it live in that glass?”

The 14 year-old says,  ”Eeeeww! What’s in that glass?”

I wonder what philosophers say about a plate of macaroni and cheese.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What’s up with your glass?  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.  Shoot me a comment with the details.

Throwback Thursday – That’s NOT Food!

Throwback Thursday – That’s NOT Food!

This week, just for fun, and because I blew it and posted the wrong thing on Thursday (Been that kinda week) we’re going to have Throwback Thursday on Friday.

Yesterday, Molly, AKA @CrazedKitchen, Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Ice Cube Trays Cat Dog Spill 2 Year Old Winewho is awesome by the way, reminded me about a “recipe” I posted in May.  It seemed apropos for a giggle during this late summer heat.

I hope you cook up a laugh while you read it.

Click here to read:   How To Make Ice Cubes – An Old Family Recipe

Remember, the extra click counts as cardio!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What’s cooking at your house?  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it, so drop me a comment while your ice is cooking.

Off The Road Again!

Off The Road Again

by Gina Valley

Having to unload our van after being cooped up in it driving home for 3 days is like being shot after you’ve been stabbed.  It just ain’t right.

What was a picture of organization and efficiency a la Martha when we began our journey has now degraded into total bedlam.  Snacks have spilled.  CD’s are scattered.Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Gina Valley Traveling Road Trip Home Mess Unpacking Cleaning clean Out  Re-packing  Trash bins have exploded.  There are piles of socks, crumbs, rocks, and sticks.

So many rocks and sticks!

One wonders if “build a fire ring and bonfire” had been on someone’s To Do In The Van On The Way Home list.  So glad we lost the matches in the lake!

We practically lived out of our van for nearly 3 days on the trip home.  We’re tired.  We’re cranky.  We don’t smell that good.  We need a bell boy with one of those fancy carts to bring our bags into our house.  We really need a trash man with a shovel and a pressure washer to take care of the rest of the mess in our van.

Of course, unloading the van is only the first part of the fun.  Cleaning the van is the second joy-filled activity on our docket today.  Nothing exhausted, crabby, stir-crazy children want to do more than give what they came to think of as their wheeled prison a good, thorough scrubbing, inside and out.  Great times to be had by all!

While doing the post-trip clean out I couldn’t help but laugh when I heard my 11 year-old son say, while crawling under a seat, “Oh there’s the chicken nugget I dropped yesterday!”   Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Gina Valley Traveling Road Trip Home Mess Unpacking Cleaning clean Out Re-packingThen, I couldn’t help but cringe when I heard him chewing!

Eeew!  Eeew!  Eeew!  Eeew!  Eeew!

“Oh, THERE that is!” is uttered repeatedly as things that were needed but missing during our vacation are discovered in the van.   Most items are located exactly where a child was told the item would be found.  But, due to the item’s invisibility skill, it eluded discovery until deep into the post-trip van clean out process.

After we finish the fun-filled, post-trip van clean out, we will begin the post-trip kid clean off.  It’s similar to the van clean out, but with more whining.   I don’t know why I haven’t bought a pressure washer so I can get both cleaning jobs done quickly right in our driveway!

What’s the best thing about getting our van cleaned out & the trip mess dealt with?  Tomorrow morning we pack it up again for trip #2!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Are you trippin’ today?  Shoot me a comment with all the details.  I look forward  to hearing all about it.