I’ll Just Poke Myself In The Eye

I’ll Just Poke Myself In The Eye

by Gina Valley

You know how sometimes you impress your family and friends with your skill and competence?

Yeah, me neither.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I’ll Just Poke Myself In The Eye Duh! Moments bugs insects freaking outLast night a little moth flew straight into my face, landed on my nose, freaked out, and tried to fly away. But, he must have forgotten how he got there (or maybe he just had a poor sense of direction. Not judging here. Just reporting) (Although I am pretty sure he’s male, since he didn’t ask for directions and I know how you guys hate to do that), so instead of flying away from my face, he cruised forward and went underneath the bridge of my glasses.

So, the hyper Lepidoptera got trapped between my glasses and my eye. This further, apparently, freaked out the moth (I believe that “freaked out” is in fact a scientific measurement of the quantity of spazzing out an organism is doing, even though The Professor continues to insist that it is not). So, the moth took off flying and crashed directly into my right eye.

My winged assaulter then proceeded to fly the short route between my eye and the lens of my glasses repeatedly and rapidly, alternatingly bouncing off of the glass of the lens and the lid of my eye (thankfully my eyelid has that built in “close you fool!” reflex, because, heaven knows, I wasn’t thinking quickly enough to shut it).

I’m pretty sure the little bugger completed his Kamikaze circuit at least 20,000 times in the ten seconds it took me to wrest my glasses from my face (you know, sometimes my glasses just fall off, but during this moth-related emergency they seemed to be cemented onto my ears with some sort of invisible glue).

I, naturally, remained completely calm and relaxed throughout the whole experience.

By “calm” I mean, naturally, “screaming and running around”(that counts as cardio, right?). I’m pretty sure the moth was screaming, too. The Professor says that moths can’t scream. But, the moth was right by my eye, and I’m fairly certain I could see his little mouth screaming.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I’ll Just Poke Myself In The Eye Duh! Moments bugs insects freaking outI’m also pretty sure that when a giant insect is attempting to gain entry into your body by way of your eyeball, it’s the perfect time for screaming. Now, granted, this was a tiny moth, but I think the appropriate-screaming-time designation still applies.

You never know what those things are capable of morphing into. After all, moths start out like little worms. They somehow turn themselves into an animal that can fly. Who knows what they can change into if one of them somehow manages to burrow into my brain. I’m not about to give one of them access to my gray matter by way of my eyeball just to see what flies out later. I ‘m still using my brain. Well, some of it, anyway.

After panicking, and barely managing to survive this furry, aerial assault, I then, as so frequently happens when I’m involved in something stupid I hope no one else in the world ever finds out about, felt a deep need to tell someone about it.

Very often, partly because he’s nearby, and partly because I know he won’t tell anyone (who’d believe him anyway?) I decided to tell The Professor what happened.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I’ll Just Poke Myself In The Eye Duh! Moments bugs insects freaking outHe started off pretty interested, because my moth incident had resulted in a puddle on the floor. He’s always interested in the composition of puddles, partly because he’s a scientist interested in chemicals and partly because he’s a dad interested in not stepping in piddle.

He sort of lost interest in my short tale of moth woe early on when he determined I’d created the puddle when I dropped my bottle of water while doing graceful ninja moves (my description) (probably would have been referred to as “I think mom is having a seizure” had any of my pack been witnesses) in an effort to evade my furry winged stalker.

As I was demonstrating the bizarre trajectory the moth took, I managed to poke myself in the eye with my fingernail. I thought this was an especially brilliant move on my part because I was wearing my glasses at the time.

The Professor didn’t seem impressed with my finger agility or the extent of my injury. In fact, he went so far as to imply that I was over-reacting to the situation, and by “imply” I mean he  actually said, “You’re over-reacting to this situation.”

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I’ll Just Poke Myself In The Eye Duh! Moments bugs insects freaking outMy temporary blindness didn’t seem to raise any sympathy either. He did suggest that I only type on the left side of the page until my vision in my nail-impaled right eye had returned to its normal clarity.

He’s a big help.

That’s ok, though. I won’t take his lack of compassion personally.

In fact, I’m thinking of surprising him with some homemade chocolate chip cookies to take to work tomorrow, if my eye stops watering soon enough to make them.

The surprise will be that they’re not going to be chocolate chip cookies. They’re going to be oatmeal cookies with raisins. He hates those. They get stuck in his teeth.

We’ll see who’s over-reacting when he bites into one of those.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Have you freaked out recently? Were your loved ones helpful, or too busy laughing? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

This column is based on I’ll Just Stick My Finger In My Eye, which first appeared on ginavalley.com May 11, 2013.

You May Think It’s Funny, But It’s Snot

You May Think It’s Funny, But It’s Snot

by Gina Valley

Sometimes, I do something I’m proud of myself for doing.

This was not one of those times.

I was at the hair place today for a much needed session with The Hair Whisperer. After she thoroughly coated my hair with some sort of magical goo, The Hair Whisperer had me sit under one of those giant, chair-mounted hair dryers.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley You May Think It’s Funny, But It’s Snot!!! Embarrassing Everyone knows the dryers at a hair salon are akin to Sanctuary, and no one under a dryer is to be disturbed. Besides, you can’t hear what anyone says to you when you’re under one of those giant heat spewers anyway.

I planted myself under Dryer #1. I was alone in the dryer area for the first few minutes, then a woman I’d never met planted herself under Dryer #4. Consistent with the Rules of Sanctuary, Woman Under Dryer #4 and I did not interact.

Now, I don’t know if God was testing me, or he just wanted to share a laugh, but at the very moment I happened to turn my head toward Woman Under Dryer #4, she sneezed.

It wasn’t a dainty little sneeze like many women do. Nor, was it a more feminine version of the male free-for-all explosion. No, this was more along the lines of what a blue whale does when it suddenly needs to clear its blow hole after 2 hours beneath the waves.

The force of her sudden nasal explosion created, as all the physicists might have expected, an equal and opposite reaction, causing her head to make a rapid acceleration toward the back of the dryer.

It didn’t even take a second for her velocity backward to be suddenly, and noisily, stopped by the back of the dryer hood, as signaled by a loud “thunk!” and a tremoring of the drier and chair.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley You May Think It’s Funny, But It’s Snot!!! Embarrassing Before I could open my mouth to ask if she was OK, the force of her head hitting the back of the dryer resulted in what I can only assume was some sort of rebound effect, causing her head to jolt forward, where it, predictably, collided with the front of the drier hood, as signaled by another loud “thunk!” and an increase in the tremoring of Dryer Number 4 and its chair.

I’m not proud to admit that every fiber of my being screamed out for me to laugh.

And, it was not just tempting to laugh. It was almost impossible not to. After all, a sneeze-induced, double head whacking is way past funny. It’s hilarious!

I tried not to laugh. Really, I did. I bit my lip. I thought about that horrible commercial about the abused animals. I remembered that time my grandpa wore his Speedo to the beach. But, nothing, no matter how sad or horrifying, could remove my need to giggle.

The more I tried not to laugh, the more I felt my body shake. Soon, tears were escaping my eyes. The fact that I shouldn’t laugh was making it nearly physically impossible not to do so.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley You May Think It’s Funny, But It’s Snot!!! Embarrassing The shell-shocked Woman Under Dryer #4 wrangled out from under Dryer #4 without touching the hood. I couldn’t help but think she had developed a fear of it, after having suffered through 2 rapid-fire collisions with the plastic crown. I wondered what the word was for a fear of hair dryers. This caused my need to giggle to increase even more.

At that point I realized The Hair Whisperer had returned to check my warming tresses. She was standing next to me, her mouth gaping, a clear indication she had witnessed the sneeze-off, as well.

I knew if I made eye contact with The Hair Whisperer I would dissolve into a laughing heap, so I focused on the floor and continued to bite my lip in an effort to maintain control until Woman No Longer Under Dryer #4 was well out of earshot.

As Woman No Longer Under Dryer #4 crossed in front of me on a trajectory toward the restroom, I lost my mind. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sure, looking back, if I had simply followed the rules of Sanctuary, everything would have been fine. But, I couldn’t do it. I don’t know why. I just couldn’t help myself.

Barely able to contain my laughter, I heard myself, in what must have been a completely involuntary action, say to Woman No longer Under Dryer #4, “Bless you.”

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley You May Think It’s Funny, But It’s Snot!!! Embarrassing She stiffened, and glared at me.

I might have been more taken aback by her giving me the evil eye had I not been so distracted her smock.

The salon staff outfits each client in a black smock upon arrival. The smocks make you feel like you’re at the height of fashion, and they’re great at hiding any wayward blobs of goo during the miraculous transformations the various aestheticians wrought.

When Woman No Longer Under Dryer Number 4 turned to give me the look I suddenly became aware of another effect of her nostril work out. Not only had the explosion released a tremendous amount of energy, resulting in her double-head-whacking, it had also apparently released an artful display of her nasal…er uh…productions.

It looked as though someone had airbrushed a delicate, glistening map of the cosmos on the front of Woman No Longer Under Dryer #4’s smock, and had dropped a couple big planets into the mix. The bright lights shining from the ceiling made the strands and blobs glisten against the black background.

I almost expected to hear Carl Sagan telling me which heavenly body each splotch on her smock represented.

#Funny You May Think It’s Funny, But It’s Snot!!! – Laugh All About It!!! http://ginavalley.com/ #Humor #embarrassing But, I did not expect to hear The Hair Whisperer whisper in my ear, “I think we might need to throw out that smock.”

But, she did, and I’m not proud to admit I lost the battle to keep from giggling. I lost it big time. I didn’t just giggle. I laughed. I snorted. I guffawed. I laughed again. I hee’d. I haw’d. I totally dissolved into a shaking, crying pile of hilarity.

I never saw Woman No Longer Under Dryer #4 come out of the restroom. That might be because I was nearly blind from crying due to laughing so hard. Or, she might still be in there. It’s a shame, though, because I wanted to apologize to her.

So, Woman Under Dryer #4, if you’re reading this, I apologize for laughing during what was likely a mortifying and traumatic experience for you.

I admit I thought it was funny at the time.

But, I see now that it’s snot.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Have you ever done something totally embarrassing in a public place? Have you witnessed someone else embarrassing themselves? How’d you handle it? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Be sure to get first notice about my humor writings by subscribing to my email notices by clicking that lovely box at the top, right of this page. You’ll receive convenient updates when I post on this website. I promise not to do anything weird or annoying with your email address.

And, as always, thank you for sharing my humor with your friends and family on your social media platforms. I already paid for those share buttons at the bottom of the page, so I’m happy when you use them.

And, as always, I appreciate all of your support.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission
This post originally appeared here on ginavalley.com in March 2014 titled You Might Think It’s Funny, But It’s Snot.

Top 10 Topics My Sons Are Bickering About

Top 10 Topics My Sons Are Bickering About …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

Listening to a couple of my kids argue about which side of the field had the greenest grass while we waited for their brother to finish at soccer practice yesterday brought this piece to mind. Laugh along with this Gina’s Favorites post.

Top 10 Topics My Sons Are Bickering About

They say children help you live longer. I say it just feels longer.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Topics My Sons Are Bickering About Sibling RivalryTake Sunday afternoon, for example.

Please, take it.

I had planned a relaxing afternoon for our family. Unfortunately, I neglected to consult the Calendar Of Childish Insanity prior to making my plans.

If I had consulted it, I would have been advised that my 2 youngest sons were scheduled to slip into grumpy-old-men mode and to bicker all afternoon.

What did they bicker about? “What didn’t they bicker about?” would be an easier question to answer. But, here’s a few of the vitally important topics they decided to debate in a seemingly unending manner:

Top 10 Topics My Sons Are Bickering About

#10.  The correct way to pronounce “era.” It’s ear-uh! It’s air-uh! It’s ear-uh!! It’s air-uh!! It’s ear-uh!!! It’s air-uh!!! It’s enough to drive everyone around them insane.

#9.  Is it ok to eat the bread (cracker piece) before the wine (grape juice) when you’re taking communion. Yes, that was the argument they were having when our pastor had to stop preaching to shush them. Twice.

#8.  Whether trumpets or saxophones are better…for killing zombies.  I guess they want to be prepared in case zombies show up at their next band concert.

#7.  Which of our dogs is smarter. I’ve got news for them – I don’t think either dog is going to be asked to join Mensa anytime soon.

#6.  Whose turn it was to tell their sister that it’s her turn to take out the trash. I think I saw the cat roll his eyes before burying his head under a pillow during this exchange.

#5.  Whose boxers are on the floor in our dining room. Yes, dining room. They argued about this for half an hour, and then decided the boxers did not belong to either of them. Apparently, they believe our neighbors are dropping by in the middle of the night, and leaving underwear in our dining room.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Topics My Sons Are Bickering About Sibling Rivalry#4.  Why a pencil is called a “pencil.” Seriously. This banter was so horrible it even sucked the life out of our few living houseplants.

#3.  Which of the twin brothers who are teachers at their school looks more like “that guy in that movie.” That’s right, they couldn’t remember the guy’s name or the movie’s name, and were undeterred by the fact that these 2 men are identical twins.

#2.  Who should have to get out of our van first. Keep in mind this lovely discussion, complete with insults and whining, took place while the two boys, who normally race to see who can get out first, were seated exactly equal distances from the door, both, apparently wanting to live out their days inside of our van, subsisting on the plentiful supply of stale Cheerios and petrified chicken nuggets crammed down the seats.

#1.  Whether some guy, named Zak, cheated when he ran a 6 minute mile in PElast yearThey nearly came to blows over this one, and, frankly, I don’t even know who the heck Zak is, much less care if he cheated.

Now, where did I put those boarding school brochures?

And, do they take moms?

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Have you been witness to a marathon bicker-fest in your family? Anyone grumpy in your neck of the woods? How do you handle it? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng & Dreamstime.com– Used with permission

That’s NOT A Kodak Moment!!!

That’s NOT A Kodak Moment!!!

by Gina Valley

It’s that time of year.

I’m a bit envious of all the Hallmark and Kodak moments everyone seems to be having. It’s even worse now that they arrive via email and Facebook, along with the ever faithful snail mail batches.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley That’s NOT A Kodak Moment!!! Holiday Cards Family PhotosYou see, we don’t have Hallmark moments or Kodak moments.

What we have is closer to America’s Funniest Video moments, except that, of course, no one brought the video camera, and even if they had, it’s not charged and the memory card is full.

We have moments like when I noticed my youngest son had something brown running down his leg when he got out of our van in the school parking lot. Keep in mind his leg was in pristine, post-shower condition when we left our house, so the mystery substance was somehow acquired en route to school, while in our van.

My husband gave me the “Don’t ask! Don’t tell!” look that parents often exchange when they know there is no way the answer can be good news. I, fool that I am, ignored him and asked our son what was running down his leg. He shrugged, and said, “I dunno.” Then, he stuck his finger in it and tasted it, before pronouncing it “Bar B Q sauce!” I had an “I’m Not Sure Whether I Should Throw Up Or Laugh” moment.

We have moments like when my oldest daughter over-slept, and we were all in our van waiting none-to-patiently for her when she came dashing out of our house, dressed in her school uniform, and practically threw herself into our van. She was carrying her shoes and backpack while she frantically brushed her hair and tucked in her school uniform shirt.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley That’s NOT A Kodak Moment!!! Holiday Cards Family PhotosI immediately drove off, as we were so far past late at that point we were almost early for the next time. As I pulled into the church parking lot, she asked, “Why are we stopping at church?” to which her oldest brother replied, “because it’s Sunday morning, smart one. Nice outfit, by the way.” My daughter, then, had an “I Need A Hole To Crawl Into Now” moment.

We have moments like when I went to have the nail lady make me look like a grown up again (I really should not be allowed near nail polish. It’s not my gift) & our boy puppy, (despite the fact that I gave him his medicine, which has the side effect of making him sleep for a couple hours, before I left) apparently only slept for a couple minutes, got bored, and shredded everything he could get his paws on in our family room, including all of the empty gift bags I had bought the day before to use for Christmas gifts.

As if his destruction was incomplete, while I was gathering up the tattered remains of the formerly beautiful gift bags, our puppy stood in the middle of the mess and started to make that sound that every dog owner dreads: the sound that signals something is about to make a reappearance that should not be making a reappearance. The sound that something evil this way comes. The sound that triggers screaming and the rushing of the canine out of the house.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley That’s NOT A Kodak Moment!!! Holiday Cards Family PhotosBut, he’s young and pliable and quick, and I couldn’t catch him, much less relocate him, prior to his completing his re-visitation with the ingested gift bag parts. I braced myself in anticipation of his “I Ate Too Much Shredded Paper” moment.

Turns out, he didn’t have an “I Ate Too Much Shredded Paper” moment.

No, he had an “I Ate Too Much Glitter…And Someone’s Glove” moment.

I, then, had a “Yet Another Reason I Hate Glitter” moment.

Immediately followed by an “Oh Crud, That’s My Glove” moment.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What kind of moments are you having? Is your family more Kodak or crazy moment prone? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing what you think.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission

Top 10 Reasons I DON’T Want To Be President …Gina’s Favorites

Top 10 Reasons I DON’T Want To Be President …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

We’re trying to pick out a new President here in the United States. 
It’s not going very well.
Laugh along with this timely Gina’s Favorites post.

Top 10 Reasons I DON’T Want To Be President

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Reasons I DON’T Want To Be President ...Gina's Favorites Elections

I could be an awesome President. Totally. I’ve got just enough OCD and attitude to get things done. I’ve got boatloads of compassion, but I take no guff. And, I’ve got teens and toddlers at my house. Terrorists? Members of Congress? Not a problem.

Even so, I do not want to be President. Ever. For  many, many reasons. Here’s just a few:

#10.  I don’t want to be President because I don’t have any really good skeletons in my closet – Let’s face it, the only thing worse than a really terrible skeleton is a boring one, and mine is loaded with boring skeletons. I mess up regularly. The nightly news could do a 2 year long series on it, and still not cover everything. But, I haven’t done anything impressively stupid or particularly bad. The whole attempt to embarrass me would be embarrassing.

#9.  I don’t want to be President because I don’t always look great – It’s bad enough that I have my own personal press core of 3 teenage daughters and 2 preschool nieces to criticize my every personal hygiene regimen decision. I don’t need total strangers ragging on and broadcasting my eyebrow malfunctions and makeup mishaps. That’s what family’s for.

#8.  I don’t want to be President because sometimes I have to be alone – I don’t care how easy they make it look in National Treasure for the President to sneak off into some underground tunnels for a few minutes alone, Presidents are never alone. If I don’t have my alone time I get stabby, and no one wants to see a Secret Service guy walking around with a fork sticking out of his neck.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Reasons I DON’T Want To Be President ...Gina's Favorites Elections#7.  I don’t want to be President because I like having the option to be naked outside – I’m not saying I’m gonna use it. I’m not saying I’ve used it in the past. I’m not saying I haven’t. I’m just saying that I’m not ready to surrender that right for the rest of my life, and being constantly followed by press and protectors definitely takes that option out of the picture.

#6.  I don’t want to be President because I hate when anything is touching my neck – I can’t stand to have anything touching my neck. So, I can’t wear a dress shirt, muchless a tie, to have an official Presidential portrait done.

#5.  I don’t want to be President because there’d be no more creative “fellowship” locations – As the parents of 7 children, my husband and I have learned to depend on creative locations. And, I don’t consider the hall behind the Oval Office to be creative, no matter what Bill says. Eight years (heck, yeah, I’d be a two-termer!) is a long time to go without spicy fellowship. Too long. I’m just sayin’.

#4.  I don’t want to be President because I blurt stuff out – Have you heard the moronic questions that reporters ask during press conferences? Wouldn’t take but a few minutes for a “What are you? Stupid?” or a “Is that the dumbest you can do or would you like another minute to try to get dumber?” to jump out of my mouth when I was supposed to be making nice with the press people.

#3.  I don’t want to be President because I don’t like to fly in big airplanes – I don’t mind the little ones. But, I’ve dated airline mechanics. Plus, I’ve taken graduate level physics. And, I think it’s a miracle those jumbo fliers get up at all. No way do I have confidence that they’ll stay there, and glide in for a gentle landing at the end of my journey. I couldn’t confidently climb on board Air Force 1 unless I was sedated or it was traveling on the ground, no matter how many zombies or aliens were after us.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Reasons I DON’T Want To Be President ...Gina's Favorites Elections#2.  I don’t want to be President because I don’t own any sensible shoes – I have very high heels. I have cool sneakers. I don’t have much in between those two. I have nothing that would be appropriate for that photo op of me dashing down a White house corridor on my way to a vital cabinet meeting.

#1.  I don’t want to be President because my dog is dumb – My dog isn’t bright enough to not take off running across the White House Lawn as soon as he’s let out for…uh…personal time, and he’s not smart enough to find his way back from the Rose Garden. My kids would be devastated.

It really is a difficult, thankless job.

Almost as much as being a parent.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Are you glad you aren’t President or are you itching to try out that house on Pennsylvania Avenue?  Shoot me a comment with your thoughts.   I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Top Ten Lies Depression Tells

Top Ten Lies Depression Tells …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

My dad was killed this past October. The grieving process for me and my family and my extended family has been slow and arduous. I know it’s been a rough year for many other people, too. I think that now, as the busyness of the school year begins, is a good time to remember how insidious depression and all mental illnesses are.

I hope this Gina’s Favorites post helps you to take better care of yourself and your loved ones.

Top 10 Lies Depression Tells

Family Life Love Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top Ten Lies Depression Tells ...Gina's Favorites Mental Health Mental Illness

Depression runs deep in my life. Many of the people dearest to me suffer with depression. It’s climbed through much of my family tree. It’s sunk its claws into many of my friends. It has taken the lives of many people who were dear to me.

When I drive by a particular freeway interchange I think of someone I love who told me that, while in the depths of depression, it was the spot he’d picked out to end his life. There’s a bridge I pass every week from which a neighbor ended her life.  And, I’ll never forget the wails of grief I heard after informing the parents of a friend, who’d been in our wedding party, that he’d taken his own life.

Depression is many things. It’s a serious mental illness, and needs to be treated as such. It’s a chameleon, which appears in different forms and at different levels in different people. It has many different causes and, sometimes, no known cause at all.

Most of all, depression is a liar. A big, fat liar.

Listen for these lies if you or someone you know suffers from depression:

Top 10 Lies Depression Tells

Lie #10:  This feeling will never change. – Truth:  Yes, it will. This feeling will change. You will not feel like this forever. Everything changes. Things always change. Hold on. Don’t give up.

Family Life Love Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top Ten Lies Depression Tells ...Gina's Favorites Mental Health Mental IllnessLie #9:  Everyone would be better off without me. – Truth:  No one’s life is going to get better because you kill yourself. Quite the opposite will happen.  Family members, particularly your children, siblings, and parents, are much more likely to suffer from depression and to kill themselves, if you kill yourself. Close friends are similarly impacted.  One of the primary reasons for this is the despair experienced when someone we are close to takes his or her own life.  Hang on for them, if hanging on for yourself is not enough. Don’t give up.

Lie #8:  No one will miss me. – Truth:  The aftermath of a suicide is horrendous. There is no funeral sadder than that of a suicide victim. I’ve been to many of them. At every one, the same phrase is heard over and over: if only he/she knew how many people cared about him/her. You have no idea how important you are to some people. Don’t leave them missing you. Don’t give up.

Lie #7:  I don’t matter. – Truth:  Yes you do. You do matter. You are valuable simply because you exist. You have amazing potential. Every day, every breath is a miracle, a chance to reach out and up and to do something no one but you is in the position to do. Don’t give up

Family Life Love Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top Ten Lies Depression Tells ...Gina's Favorites Mental Health Mental IllnessLie #6:  It’s my fault I feel this way. – Truth:  Depression is an illness, just as the flu and cancer are illnesses. It’s not your fault you have depression, just as it’s not your fault if you get the flu or cancer. Just as you would seek treatment for any illness, seek treatment for your depression. Don’t give up.

Lie #5:  No one cares. – Truth:  Many people care. But, people have to know you’re suffering before they can express that caring. Talk to the people in your life. Be honest. Be direct. Don’t expect them to know what you mean or what you are feeling. Tell them plainly. Ask for the help you need. Keep talking to people until you find someone who you feel cares and wants to help you. Don’t give up.

Lie #4:  Nothing can help me. – Truth:  Research into depression is vast and ongoing. Treatment options are huge and varied. If one thing doesn’t work, try something else, or a combination of things. Effective treatment is available. Psychiatrists, psychologists, peer-counselors, support groups, medication, eating plans, exercise plans are some of the many possibilities to consider. There is effective help available for you. Keep looking. Don’t give up.

Lie #3:  No one will listen to me. – Truth:  Yes, they will. Keep talking. Someone will listen. Keep looking for that someone. Friend, neighbor, pastor, doctor, nurse, teacher, counselor, social worker, police officer, parent, coach, etc. Don’t give up.

Family Life Love Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top Ten Lies Depression Tells ...Gina's Favorites Mental Health Mental IllnessLie #2:  They’ll lock me up if I try to get some help. – Truth:  If you seek help, they will help you. No one is going to lock you up for seeking help. If you are a danger to yourself, more intensive help might be called for. Don’t fear that. You are suffering from an illness. Get the treatment you need to heal and to feel better. Don’t give up.

Lie#1:  If I just thought more happy thoughts, this would go away. – Truth: Happy thoughts don’t cure illnesses. A positive attitude is always a good thing, but it won’t cure illnesses, not the flu, not cancer, not depression.  Do try to find some happy thoughts to entertain, but most importantly seek medical treatment. Don’t give up.

Any doctor can help you get access to people who specialize in helping people who suffer from depression, people who can work with you to determine what you need to help you get well.

Don’t believe depression’s lies.

And, don’t give up.

-gina

In the US, The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) If you think you’re having a psychiatric emergency call 911 (If available in your area, or your local emergency services telephone number, if it is not), or go to the nearest emergency room. Do you suffer from depression, or have you in the past? Who did you talk to about it? Do you know someone with depression?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Time To TOTALLY Over Do It!!!

Time To TOTALLY Over Do It!!! …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

Enjoy some sugar-laced laughs in this Gina’s Favorites post I wrote about one of our past Slurpee hunts.

How To TOTALLY Over Do It

There are a million different places you can go for advice on sensible eating.  This is NOT one of them. But, I can give you advice on how to totally overdo it! Overdoing it is important, too!

I am a big believer that everything should be done in moderation, including moderation. Sometimes, just for fun, just for laughs, just for memories, you NEED to overdo it. We over did it. And, it was great!

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Time To TOTALLY Over Do It!!! ...Gina's Favorites Slurpees

It was July 11, 7-11, the day the 7-11 company celebrates its birthday. 7-11 stores across the United States and Canada gave away 7.11 ounce Slurpees.

My kids love them, so we were not about to miss this opportunity. But, when we do something, we rarely go about it half way. We are “all-in” kind of people (that’s why our poker tournaments end so quickly!). So, we went out in search of “all in,” as in Slurpees, Slurpees, and more Slurpees! We decided to hit all 6 of the 7-11’s in our neighborhood.

‎The first stop, at 7-11 #1, was the bumpiest. I think that’s true of any quest. Like a thirsty herd arriving at the watering hole after a long day in the sun on the savanna, my pack pushed and grappled with each other to be first to fill their cup with frozen, slushy goodness.

When we got back to our van “someone” gave them a quick “if you won’t behave kindly in these places of business, I will not allow you to gorge yourself on nutrition-less frozen-sugar any further.” Might have been me. Sounds like something I’d say. Either way, it worked. They were all on their best behavior throughout the rest of our sweet hunt.

At 7-11 #2, I could hear my kids discussing Slurpee strategy. Some were going for different flavors. Others were planning to have the same flavor every time. There were even straw strategies. The single color straw fan. The alternating color fan. Several different colors at every stop fans. Cups were full, but not over flowing like at the first stop.

By 7-11 #3, style and skill had been acquired. I noticed artful twirls and twists at the top of each kids’ Slurpee. Sons#2 showed me that he’d figured out how to mix the different colors as he filled his cup so he ended up with a heart shape at the top. Someday I predict that being a cute ending to a date after-party. Some day. Someday far, far away.

We finished the first three stops in under an hour. As we were driving toward stop #4, I said to myself, “They aren’t gonna need dinner, are they?”  Most had inhaled at least four different colors of Slurpee already.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Time To TOTALLY Over Do It!!! ...Gina's Favorites Slurpees

Sounded like a complete food pyramid to me. I figured the rest of the upcoming Slurpees on our afternoon trek would serve as dessert, and to ensure that no one wants another Slurpee again for at least a year.

As we pulled into the parking lot of 7-11 #4, we noticed a familiar red truck pulling out. It was the same Red Truck With Man & Daughter that we had seen at the previous stop. I looked around the parking lot and realized several of the cars had joined us at our previous stops. Truly, this was a Slurpee Fan Community Caravan.

My pack’s discussions at 7-11 #4 showed the sudden 7-11 efficiency experts they had become. They had suggestions for improved in-store traffic flow, for flavor machine order, even for straw dispenser location. I noticed that no one filled their cup all the way to the top.

Red Truck With Man & Daughter beat us to 7-11 #5. It had been a long journey. We were all exhausted. Well, actually it had been a short journey because we were riding in our van, but it felt long. And, we weren’t so much exhausted as full. But, either way, our spirits were low as we piled out of the van and dragged ourselves toward the door of 7-11 #5.

A couple kids mentioned that they were starting to feel a bit sick. We’d already hit 4 out of the 6 local 7-11’s. I reminded them that this was a marathon, not a sprint. It was time to push past that sick feeling, to grab another Slurpee, and to suck it up.

Just as we passed Red Truck With Man & Daughter, the window went down. We all stopped to see what was going to happen, which was easy to do because our kids were too full to move quickly.

Man spoke to The Professor in a voice that was quick, excited, and had clearly eaten way too much sugar. “There’s another one.  A seventh one! I just heard about it. There’s a seventh! A friend called and told me no one is there. It’s right by the freeway. And, it’s the one that crazy guy robbed last year!” Man blurted out all in one breath.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Time To TOTALLY Over Do It!!! ...Gina's Favorites Slurpees

Well, this exciting news perked up our whole Slurpee Speed Ingesting Team. Not only was this a quest stop with no line, it was a crime scene! Who would want to miss that?!?!

Our whole pack made it through the line at 7-11 #5, although I noticed a couple hobbling as they emerged with their half-filled Slurpee cups.

All that stood between us and following in the crazy robber guy’s footsteps was 7-11 #6.

7-11 #6 nearly spelled the end of our sugar rush pilgrimage. Everyone was feeling sick as we piled out of our van. A couple kids asked if they had to go in (“Of course you do. You just don’t realize how much fun you’re having because you feel like you’re going to barf!”). I was feeling a bit nauseous myself, even though I’d yet to have a Slurpee, because the too-sweet smell of them was permeating our van.

It was time for a pep talk.
We stood in a circle outside of 7-11 #6. I talked about team work. I talked about being together. I talked about how we had dragged ourselves this far, so we might as well finish the journey. We were so close.

I told them about the “wall” long distance runners hit as they compete in the Olympics, and that somehow they still manage to overcome and make it back into the stadium. “We shall overcome!” I assured them.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Time To TOTALLY Over Do It!!! ...Gina's Favorites Slurpees

I also pointed out that they could still claim victory over Slurpee #6, even if they only put a little Slurpee in their cup.

Everyone dragged themselves into 7-11 #6 on our Slurpee Quest Tour. I noticed that only Son#2 filled his cup more than ¼ of the way full. No one looked too happy piling back into the van. But, even before we were out of the parking lot, a remarkable transformation began to take place. There was renewed giggling and chattering as we started off toward 7-11 #7.

The sugar had arrived in their bloodstreams.

I’m not saying 6 Slurpees is too much sugar, but by the time we hit the freeway for the quick hop over to 7-11 #7 my kids were having tongue trilling contests, for both duration and volume, as we drove. That wasn’t annoying. Not at all.

The lack of crime scene tape or any other post-crime paraphernalia disappointed my pack as we drove up to 7-11 #7. I reminded them that the robbery had taken place a year earlier, but they felt there should have at least been a police car parked nearby.

Happily, my pack had pushed through their Slurpee “wall,” and practically ran through the door of 7-11 #7. They were happy little slurpers again as they emerged smiling. They returned home with stacks of paper cups and straws in their hands, and, hopefully, an understanding about the day’s deeper meaning in their hearts.

It was not just a Slurpee – it was an adventure!!!!!!! Well, 7 adventures.

BTW – everyone was “starving” for dinner when we got home. But, no one wanted any dessert!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Set off on any quests lately? Have you tried the Blue-Raspberry flavor? I’m looking forward to hearing all about it! Be sure to leave me a comment with all the details!

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Does This Sunscreen Raise Cholesterol?!?!

Does This Sunscreen Raise Cholesterol?!?! …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

Laugh along with this timely Gina’s Favorites post.

Will This Sunscreen Raise My Cholesterol?

We’ve had 4 graduations this week in our family, and I’m just about graduation’d-out.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned through all of the Pomp and Circumstances and endless motivational speeches, it’s that I don’t know how to put sunscreen on properly.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Does This Sunscreen Raise Cholesterol?!?! ...Gina's Favorites Sunscreen Graduation

Remember those pink tablets we’d chew after we brushed our teeth when we were kids to see where we missed brushing? You know the ones. This hideous pink color would stick to your teeth where ever you hadn’t properly attacked the plaque. Well, I have bizarre pink splotches all over me. I look like someone did a poor job of brushing me. Very poor!

I wear sunscreen every day. I’m not particularly interested in getting skin cancer, so I do what I can to try to prevent it. No matter what I have planned, even if I’m not planning to go anywhere, immediately after my shower, I put sunscreen on my face, neck, arms and hands. Every day. For the last couple decades.

You’d think I’d be good at it by now.

You’d be wrong.

Even when I apply extra sunscreen in anticipation of a particular UV-heavy day, like visiting the surface of the sun or attending a spring graduation ceremony (same thing, really) I still never get it right.

After a day in the sun, somehow, I always end up with a bright red stripe of sunburn right across the top of my forehead. I don’t know why.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Does This Sunscreen Raise Cholesterol?!?! ...Gina's Favorites Sunscreen GraduationMaybe I don’t realize how tall I am. Or, maybe the sunscreen makes my forehead grow while I’m applying it. I don’t even know what’s in that stuff. Is it some sort of forehead fertilizer? Is it just mayonnaise? Has anyone ever even checked?

Maybe I need a GPS to direct me while I’m applying it. “At your earliest convenience, turn around. You missed half of your forehead, you moron,” it would tell me in its sort-of-British, totally-condescending accent.

At least this time I seem to have overcome my inability to find my own nose. Usually after a day at graduation or any other all day activity early in the “time for sun” season, I can outshine Rudolph with his nose so bright. I can guide sleighs, reindeer, or 18 wheelers through the densest fog, which, incidentally, must have come over my brain when I was trying to cover my nose with sunscreen.

How hard is this to get right? I mean really?

It’s not rocket science. Heck, I’ve done that, and I never had trouble locating my nose while I did (well, maybe once, but we’d been playing Tetris for nearly 5 hours straight and it was kind of hard to focus my eyes or to blink at that point).

I think God gave me brown children because he knew I’d be sunscreen-impaired. Even when I remember to put it on my pack, and can catch them and pin them to do so, I always miss spots. And, by “spots” I mean a whole limb or face or something.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Does This Sunscreen Raise Cholesterol?!?! ...Gina's Favorites Sunscreen GraduationMy pack is no help, either. I’ll ask, “Did I put any on this arm yet?” and the answer is always, “I don’t know.”  To which I mentally say, “It is attached to you, isn’t it? Shouldn’t you know if someone just rubbed what could very well be coagulated salad dressing all over it?”

But, I don’t say that out loud, because if I did, my precious progeny would answer, “Well, shouldn’t you know what you rubbed on someone and where you rubbed it?”

Fortunately, my pack members don’t burn, so my only partially marinating them doesn’t seem to create much of a problem.

Besides, I’m pretty sure sunscreen causes high cholesterol anyway.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Are you a skilled sunscreen apply-er?  How do you make sure you don’t miss a spot?  How do you catch your kids to slather them up?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Thank you for reading and sharing my work on your with your friends and family.  I appreciate your support!

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Please DON’T Paint The Dog!!!

Please DON’T Paint The Dog!!!

by Gina Valley

I wish my kids were bored.

My friends often lament the frustration of dealing with their children’s boredom during school vacation. I try to be sympathetic, but I really don’t understand it.

My kids aren’t bored.

My oldest daughter isn’t bored, because she’s been busy coloring her hair with purple Kool Aid.  She‘s determined that Kool Aid is an excellent, non-toxic dye. It sticks to, and permanently stains, anything it touches, including the new bathroom rug and matching shower curtain, the freshly painted bathroom walls, the white bathroom countertop and cabinet, the wood floor in the hall, her bedroom ceiling fan, the desk in my office, and one of her guinea pigs.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Please DON'T Paint The Dog!!! Summer

In fact, the only thing the purple Kool Aid didn’t color was her hair.

One of my children is not bored, because he or she (no one has yet taken credit for this anti-boredom activity), figured out how to, perhaps in honor of the upcoming Independence Day festivities, produce an impressive fireworks display, using only a ball of aluminum foil, a magic marker, and our brand new microwave oven.

He or she also figured out how to fill the entire house with toxic smoke, how to keep the local firefighters from being bored, and how to destroy a brand new microwave oven.

My two youngest sons aren’t bored, because they’ve been busy proving I was wrong, and testing the Law of Gravity. They determined they could, in fact, get a bike up into their treehouse, even though I said that I didn’t think that was possible. And, they reconfirmed the overwhelming, unbending Law of Gravity by attempting to ride said bicycle down the slide from their treehouse and into the wading pool.

They did, however, find that the Law of Gravity prevented them from splashing down into the wading pool, and instead landed them in the emergency room, where one of them got 7 stitches in a very personal place.

My youngest daughter isn’t bored, because she’s been busy combing through the shrubs around our house for lizards. She’s also discovered that if she brings in one of her new found reptile buddies, and drops it on my desk when I’m not paying attention, I’ll be quite startled, and have to put more than enough dollar bills into the swear jar for all of my children, and most of their friends, to get an ice cream from the ice cream man every time he rolls by this week.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Please DON'T Paint The Dog!!! SummerOur 5 year old isn’t bored, because he is currently spending every waking hour perfecting his Hide-n-Seek game. It’s with great pleasure and pride that I’ll be able to tell his kindergarten teacher he has, in fact, developed his fine motor skills to such an extent that operating scissors is no longer a problem.

The eye holes he cut in the curtains of every room of our house so that he could see out while hiding behind them, however, is a problem.

One of my daughters is not bored, because she’s been very busy “re-styling” our dog. Our big, male Labrador is currently sporting dangly pearl earrings (which I was relieved to find are clip-ons), a coordinating 3-strand pearl necklace, a pink bow above each of his floppy ears, and bright purple nail polish on most of his toenails.

I wondered if it would’ve made more sense to paint our girl dog’s toenails.

I was wondering why I thought it made sense to paint any dog’s toenails when my daughter commented that our nearly white, now fashionisto Labrador would look just like a zebra if he had black stripes.

As she ran off, followed closely by our now extra-stylish dog, a wave of panic swept over me.

I hollered after her:

Please, don’t paint the dog!”

I really wish my kids were bored.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Is it summer break in your neck of the woods? Are your kids bored? Do you wish they were? How about your neighbor’s kids? Are they climbing the walls? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Dreamstime.com – Used with permission.

 

Death By Folding Chair – Perils Of A Graduation Audience

Death By Folding Chair –Perils Of A Graduation Audience …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

It’s that time of year again.
Time to shake and bake while our loved ones stride across the stage. Join me for some graduation giggles in this Gina’s Favorite’s post.

Death By Folding Chair – The Perils Of A Graduation Audience

So, you want to be a graduation audience member?  Let’s see if you’ve got the endurance, savvy, and possibly even stupidity necessary to make the grade.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Death By Folding Chair –Perils Of A Graduation Audience ...Gina's FavoritesAhhh – the audience – that group of adoring fans that entertains delusions of homicide as the ceremony plods along.  At least a lot of them are darn entertaining, even if it is for all the wrong reasons!

By the end of the ceremony those of us in the audience who have survived have bonded like hostages being held in the desert.  We are hesitant to leave our new found friends, and yet sick of the sight of each other.

A few questions pop into my mind as I consider that ragtag group of sweaty individuals sticking to the chairs behind the graduates.

Is there some reason that people understand they need to dress up to attend a graduation ceremony, but apparently think bras are optional?  If you are over 25 years or 120 pounds, you know that a bra is your friend, don’t you?  Do some of you more “gifted” guys realized this applies to your upper ailerons, as well?

You do realize people at graduations are bored and overheated, but not blind, right?  Why are you punishing them?

Isn’t it bad enough that to graduate Junior has to sit there in an asbestos lined dress wearing a funny hat for 3 hours? Should he have to also suffer through having granny’s bobbing hooters knock over one of his friends?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Death By Folding Chair –Perils Of A Graduation Audience ...Gina's FavoritesDo you realize that kid could lose an eye?  Heck, don’t you think that everyone in a 50 foot radius is probably considering scratching theirs out?  Why don’t you get it together and rack ‘em up, or lock-n-load, or something?!?!  This isn’t the state fair, you know?

If you chose to wear low rise pants why didn’t you also choose to wear underwear? And, must you sit in front of me and bend over constantly?  Can’t you see the wisdom in having some secrets? Do you realize how hard it is to keep a 2 year old from tossing raisins into what looks like a perfectly good target from where she stands?

Instead of programs, why don’t they hand out deodorant to the audience members?  They know there won’t be a breeze, so isn’t it worth the effort even if it saves only a few lives?

And, if you’re the only one sitting in an audience of thousands holding a balloon bouquet, doesn’t it occur to you that something might be amiss with your celebratory gift choice?  Do you realize those balloons are not transparent and the people around you don’t have x-ray vision to see through them? Do you realize the knives being thrown were half attempts to pop the balloons and half attempts to take you out of the gene pool?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Death By Folding Chair –Perils Of A Graduation Audience ...Gina's FavoritesYou do understand that it’s standard protocol for me to snip the string of any balloon that smacks my head, right?  And, that if I’m smacked twice, I have the right to smack you with whatever I brought (FYI – I’m bringing bricks to the next graduation)?

Is there some reason those of you with air-horns, classy and elegant as those are at a University level function, have to point them at my ear prior to firing off that delightful, fun, audio enhancement?  Don’t you realize that I would keep my hearing and you would get better sound if you would raise it over your head?

And, once you’re seated, can you please stay seated?  What is the deal with the people that sit in the exact center of the 100 person long row and then climb out over everyone every ten minutes?  If your bladder is that small, shouldn’t you skip drinking, sit on the aisle, and possibly see an urologist?

When the endless ceremony ends, is there a chance we could maintain a little decorum?  Must you stampede out over other audience members the second the recessional is finished?  Did you think you were being chased by the bulls in Pamplona?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Death By Folding Chair –Perils Of A Graduation Audience ...Gina's FavoritesAnd, much as I hate to mention this because I found it extremely entertaining to watch each and every time it happened, I feel in the interest of public safety I must ask, “Is everyone now aware that we are sitting on folding chairs at graduations?”  Did you not think about what would happen to you when you stood on a folding chair to take a picture?  Are you familiar with the term “That’s gonna leave a mark!”?

Did you realize that your scream, the ensuing laughter from those around you, and the siren of the approaching EMT’s would drown out that sound of the graduates’ names being read? More importantly, did you not see the 11 other people who tried and epically failed at the same stunt you decided to have a go at prior to your grand chair adventure?  Did you really think you could succeed where they had failed?  Did they use the actual Jaws of Life to extract the chair from your body?

Is there some law of physics that requires that 2 and 4 year olds, who were hyper and cranky throughout the entire ceremony, must fall asleep as the last name is read?  And, what causes their body mass to swell to nearly 5000 lbs as we attempt to carry them on the 2 ½ mile trek to the car?  And, which car did we bring?

Did you know if I see another folding chair anytime soon I may have a post audience member traumatic episode?

Can I get some iced tea STAT?

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

My previous post was directed at  at graduations.  Be sure to check out my The Platform Party and The Graduates posts for more graduation giggles. I want your graduation knowledge base to be complete!

What is the goofiest thing you’ve seen in an audience?  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it, so please drop me a comment!

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.