Where’d My Cool Go? …Gina’s Favorites

Where’d My Cool Go? …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

Laugh along with this Gina’s Favorites post.

Where Did My Cool Go?

I’m not cool.

I realized that today.

I suppose, on some level, I’ve known it for a while, but today it became glaringly clear. Because today, I realized I have become my father.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Where'd My Cool Go? ...Gina's FavoritesDon’t get me wrong. There’re a lot of cool things about my father. My dad was a great guy. He’s funny and smart and giving.  I’d love to turn into that part of my dad. But, I didn’t.

….

I’d just finished installing a new kitchen faucet.

We’d had to get a new kitchen faucet, because the old one had fallen apart. You had to use a pair of locking pliers just to turn the thing on, water temperature was a gamble, and it vibrated so much when the water flowed that dirty dishes kept bouncing off the counter.

So, we’d headed to our friendly, neighborhood, giant home improvement store (I’ve always thought running water in the kitchen improved any home) to get a new kitchen faucet set.

Some of the faucets were so expensive I wondered if they magically cleaned dishes all by themselves. The Professor took one look at the wall of water wonders, and announced he refused to pay more for this faucet than he did for his first car.

We picked the one that was in our budget, and looked like it could handle having our kids tie the dog to it without breaking off. The fact that it supposedly had an anti-fingerprint finish just made us giggle. I was sure our kids would accept that challenge. They’re very competitive. No faucet was going beat them.

….

So, there I stood in our kitchen, putting away my tools and looking at our newly installed faucet, when I heard someone say, “That’s a beautiful faucet.”

I looked around, and realized I was the only one there. And, not only had I said, “That’s a beautiful faucet,” I really thought that faucet was beautiful.

I flashed back to holding the tools while my dad installed a new kitchen faucet in my childhood home when I was a teenager. I remembered him saying, while he polished it with a cloth, “That’s a beautiful faucet.” I remembered thinking how that was further proof my dad was totally uncool.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Where'd My Cool Go? ...Gina's FavoritesAnd, here I was, decades later, riding the same train of uncoolness. Today’s stop was “Admiring household plumbing fixtures.” I could only wonder whether tomorrow’s stop would be listening to Muzak, wearing sensible shoes, or buying high-waisted, polyester pants (as I typed that I thought, “at least those things don’t ever wrinkle,” and felt myself drift ever further away from cool).

When did this happen? When did I lose my cool?

I related my tale of uncoolness-woe to my friend, Vernice. I told her that I felt disheartened and aged beyond my years, because I found new kitchen plumbing fixtures exciting. I wondered aloud if it was because I have children. Had they taken my cool as well as my last functioning brain cell? Vernice nodded along, sympathetically.

“Well, you know…,” my wise friend began.

I can always count on Vernice, and her sage advice to keep me on course. I knew she’d know just what to say to help me get my cool back.

“…that really is a beautiful faucet.”

Apparently, Vernice has turned into my father, too.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do you feel less than cool? Have you surprised yourself lately? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission

They ARE Different!!! …Gina’s Favorites

They ARE Different!!! …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

I’m traveling to Ohio this week to hang out with a wonderful bunch of funny writers. I hope this Gina’s Favorites post keeps you giggling while I’m away.

They ARE Different!!!

Men and women are different. Have you noticed?

Take weight for example.

Ask a man what he weighs, and a man will tell you what he weighs.

He will tell you exactly what he weighs.

He’ll tell you how long he’s weighed that much. He’ll tell you the first time he weighed that much. He’ll tell you who won the Super Bowl & how many hot wings he ate the year he first hit that weight.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley They ARE Different!!! ...Gina's Favorites WeightHe’ll tell you his high school weight, his college weight, his dad’s weight, his best friend’s weight.

He will brag if he is currently at his heaviest weight ever and will gladly weigh in front of you and let you see his abdomen to prove he is the heaviest he’s ever been.

He’ll happily holler his current weight across a crowded room to you, particularly if it has gone up due to a recent large, questionable meal (The same is true if his weight has recently gone down due to an unusually prolific off-loading experience on his part, but that’s really a topic for a different column).

He’ll proudly tell you the size of the clothes he’s just expanded into. He’ll show you the tags to prove it. He’ll even wear shirts with size printed right on the front and pants with the size embroidered onto the waistband for all to see.

He’ll prefer to weigh with jeans and boots on so as to up his number. He might even leave his keys, cell phone, and wallet in his pocket to give himself just a bit more heft in the gravitational attraction department.

He won’t even exhale before reading the scale.

There’s no shame, no concern, no self-consciousness.

You ask a man what he weighs and he will tell you.

You ask a woman what she weighs and she will stab you.

Or, maybe that’s just me.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do you share your gravitational attraction number with other people?  Or, is that a secret guarded more closely than Fort Knox? Why, do you suppose, we stress so much about that number? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing what you think. And, as always, thank you for stopping by and spending your time with me!

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

These Do NOT Cause Brain Damage!!! …Gina’s Favorites

These Do NOT Cause Brain Damage!!! …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

I’m traveling to Ohio this week to hang out with a wonderful bunch of funny writers. I hope this Gina’s Favorites post keeps you giggling while I’m away.

These Do NOT Cause Brain Damage!!!

Dear Family,

Clearly, you are safety conscious.

Very safety conscious.

Granted, you haven’t let little things like leaving skateboards on the stairs or Legos on the floor or swinging a bat inside our house cramp your style.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley These Do NOT Cause Brain Damage!!! ...Gina's FavoritesNor, do you allow climbing the sides of buildings, jumping from tree to tree, or launching yourselves out of a soaring swing to give you pause.

But, I have, nonetheless, come to the conclusion that you are taking extra care to stay away from things you truly believe can cause you irreparable harm.

I used to think you were just slovenly. Now I realize you’re just trying to avoid causing yourselves brain damage.

Somehow, though, I think you’ve become a victim of misinformation, because you’re avoiding certain things in your never ending quest for safety, which, and I’m sure this will be shocking news to you, are not in fact actually harmful.

Contrary to what you have been led to believe, the following will not cause brain damage:

Changing the toilet paper roll. I’m aware that the only time anyone other than me puts a new roll of toilet paper onto the spindle is when my mother is visiting, and she swaps out that ominous paper tube for a fresh roll of derriere dabbers. But, trust me, you can do this, and do it safely.

The trick to it is to never point that spring-loaded spindle at your face. No one wants to lose an eye in a toilet paper changing accident.

Closing the refrigerator door. Perhaps this seems more dangerous to you than it actually is, because it’s a two-part task. But, once you have determined that the door is in fact open, a state notable by the light emerging from its openness, pushing the door closed is actually quite safe.

Just be sure not to allow any body parts, yours or anyone else’s, to remain inside the refrigerator while you attempt to close it. It’s already messy enough in there.

 

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley These Do NOT Cause Brain Damage!!! ...Gina's FavoritesPutting a clip on an open bag of chips. The key here is to keep a firm grip on the clip while attaching it to the bag of chips, and to actually attach it to the bag of chips. Clipping your sister’s nose or your brother’s behind will not help to keep the chips from going stale.

Placing dirty laundry in the dirty laundry hamper. Contrary  to popular opinion, opening the dirty laundry hamper does not open some sort of inter-cosmic galactic worm hole and allow hostile alien life forms to invade our planet and to feast on your gray matter. There is nothing dangerous in the dirty laundry hamper. Not even dirty laundry.

It is in pristine, like-new condition, as it has never been subjected to a piece of dirty laundry. It is, at least it was the last time I checked, occupied by stray Legos, last summer’s over-due library books, an AWOL lacrosse stick, and the only functioning CD player in our house. Please remove these items prior to placing dirty laundry into the dirty laundry hamper.

Deleting what you’ve already watched from the DVR. I know that ending a relationship is difficult, and potentially traumatic. But, I promise you, your favorite TV series, sports game, and or movie will not hold it against you if you delete it after you’ve viewed it.

I know that funny pizza commercial is in that recording. I know that episode has you friend’s cousin’s dog walker’s niece as one of the 200 extras in the crowd scene. I know that game has the worst call ever in the history of sports. But, you’ve got to be strong and click “delete.” After all, I need space to record House Hunters. The couples on there aren’t going to hate themselves.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley These Do NOT Cause Brain Damage!!! ...Gina's FavoritesFeeding our dogs dinner before they whine, bark, and chew on the kitchen table leg for an hour. Much as it will confuse them, and it will, feeding our dogs at their dinner time instead will save our furniture, your privileges, and my sanity. Your mind will likely be clearer when you don’t have to pretend not to hear them barking and whining 4 inches from your head.

Returning the gallon of milk to the refrigerator. I get it. Obviously, several of you are hoping to become artisan cheese makers, but you’ve got to trust me on this. You’re way off. Milk-congealing-on-the-counter is not the kind of cheese true artisans make.

Now, if what you’re trying to create is a new life form, you might be right on the money. I’m pretty sure that gallon on the counter right now has a pulse.

Wearing a coat on a cold day.  Wearing a coat is not a punishment. It’s not an attempt to embarrass you or to destroy the cohesiveness of your carefully selected outfit. It is, in fact, a way to keep you warm, so that your body doesn’t have to work so hard to do so. This frees up some of your body’s energy to work on other things. Like hanging up a wet towel.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley These Do NOT Cause Brain Damage!!! ...Gina's FavoritesPutting used paper plates in the trash can. Only very rarely has garbage flown out of the trash can when someone opened it to deposit a used paper plate. If you are truly concerned that this rare, but not unheard of in our home, phenomena might repeat itself, were you to attempt to place your used paper plate into the garbage receptacle, feel free to don the paint ball mask and a biking helmet.

And, smile, because I will totally be taking a picture of that.

Hanging up a wet towel. I understand that you’re scientifically-minded, and enjoy conducting experiments on the bathroom floor. But, I just don’t think you’re breaking any new ground with the towel-turning-into-a-smelly-moldy-heap experiment. Let’s face it, that’s been done to death. Death of our hardwood floor. Death of your favorite t-shirt. Death of the cells inside my nose.

Perhaps you’d care to investigate counter-acting the forces of gravity by hanging a wet towel on the hooks attached to the bathroom wall for just that purpose. Just don’t stand too close to the hook while you do it. We don’t want to have an ear-on-the-hook situation. Again.

Not a brain-damager in the bunch.

Probably.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What simple things does your family seem afraid to do? Do they think it causes brain damage? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing what you have to say.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Top 10 Reasons I Weigh A Ton At The Doctor’s

Top 10 Reasons I Weigh A Ton At The Doctor’s …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

I’m traveling to Ohio this week to hang out with a wonderful bunch of funny writers. I hope this Gina’s Favorites post keeps you giggling while I’m away.

Top 10 Reasons I Weigh A Ton At The Doctor’s Office

I met my new neurologist yesterday. She was patient and thorough and didn’t make me feel I’ve lost my mind (which it’s her job to check on) (she assured me that my mind is right in my head, and showed me a picture of it in there, too, to prove it).

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Reasons I Weigh A Ton At The Doctor’s ...Gina's FavoritesI like her a lot.

But…

I hate her scale.

It’s evil, just like every other doctor’s scale I’ve ever met.

Doctor’s scales are every woman’s arch-nemesis.

Last month, the scale at my headache doctor’s office decided I had gained 5 pounds between my house and her office. To make matters even more ridiculous, the nurse who measured and weighed me, pronounced me 5’9″ tall.

That would have been fine, had I not been 5’6” tall since the 5th grade. She also added 20 pounds to the reading on her evil scale when she entered the number into my file. I wasn’t sure if she was just inaccurate, crazy, or a sadist. I was leaning toward sadist.

The Professor noted that if I had gotten 3 inches taller it would make sense that I’d gained weight. I noted that next time he was waiting in the car.

That strange scale interaction weighed heavy on my mind (pun might have been intended) as I prepared myself to go meet my new brain doc.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Reasons I Weigh A Ton At The Doctor’s ...Gina's FavoritesI weigh myself every morning. It’s part of my morning prayer time. Actually, it usually triggers the start of my morning prayer time. Nothing reminds me to ask God for a miracle quite as consistently as facing that cold, unrelenting, killer-of-self-esteem that is my bathroom scale.

So, I walked into my doctor’s office with the morning’s gravity check number well cemented in my head.

When the cheerful nurse told me to climb onto the scale I was careful to stand in the middle of the platform, and to put my purse down (that’s like 50 pounds easy, all on its own). I even remembered to exhale. Every little bit helps.

So, imagine my surprise when the number I was looking at was nearly 10 pounds larger than the one I’d been disgusted with just an hour before at home.

It got me to thinking. First of all, I wondered if I have to put money in the swear jar if I only thought the words.

Secondly, I started to analyze all of the possible reasons there could be such a discrepancy weight-wise every time I go see a doctor.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized there are many logical explanations as to the varying gravity effects readings.

Top 10 Reasons I Weigh A Ton At The Doctor’s Office

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Reasons I Weigh A Ton At The Doctor’s ...Gina's Favorites#10.  All the iron in that multivitamin my other doctor is making me take is weighing me down. Iron is a metal, and metal is heavy. So, the weight discrepancy is her fault, really.

#9.  Gravity is extra strong in their realm, due to all of the heavy issues taking place there. They are often involved in life or death decisions. Just last month, I saw 2 nurses nearly come to blows over whether they should get Chipotle or Baja Fresh for lunch when I visited my gyno. And, recently, our new pediatrician nearly put his eye out when the glove he was blowing up to turn into a rooster for my youngest son suddenly exploded. It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

#8.  I wore my polka dotted underwear, and those dots must weigh a lot.

#7.  Our blonde Labrador insisted on hugging my legs goodbye as I was rushing out the door. All the blonde dog hair stuck to my black pants, which I didn’t notice until I was sitting in the waiting room, weighs a lot. There was practically enough there to make a whole new dog.

#6.  The nurse is new and didn’t know she wasn’t supposed to stand on the scale with me. I thought she was just standing extra close so she could see the numbers.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Reasons I Weigh A Ton At The Doctor’s ...Gina's Favorites#5.  My body was retaining water in an effort to keep from turning into a raisin when they took out the gallon of blood they always insist on taking.

#4.  I have teenagers. I’m sure it’s their fault, somehow.

#3.  The humidity caused my hair to swell up to 3 times its normal volume, and, apparently, 10 times its normal weight.

#2.  My new flip flops are lined with lead. I’ve got to start reading labels.

#1.  Doctors get paid by the pound.

Finally, the doctor’s office scale phenomenon started to make sense to me, but not to everyone.

“There’s nothing wrong with the doctor’s scale. You just weigh more than you think you do,” offered The Professor. This from the man who said that his high blood pressure reading was because he slept on that arm the night before the test.

I would have stabbed him with the tongue depressors I “borrowed” from the exam room, but I’d already had my cardio for the day.

Instead, I gave him a look that prompted him to remind me, “You know, they always investigate the wife first when the husband’s murdered.”

I, then, reminded him that all I’d need is one woman on that jury, and I’d be off Scot-free.

He shot back with, “Clearly, the doctor’s scale is broken.”

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do you weigh more at your doctor’s office than at home?  Are you taking iron supplements, too?  Has anyone insisted you are taller than you know you are?  Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing what you have to say.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Join Gina Valley Wed 3-23-16 for Humor In Parenting

Join Me Wed 3/23 for Humor In Parenting

One of the most important keys to parenting is humor. Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.

Let’s Chat! I’ll be discussing Humor & Parenting on Wednesday, March 23, at 9pm EST with the great folks at  #30SecondMom Chat. Everyone is invited to join in. I hope you’ll be there.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Join Me Wed 3-23-16 for Humor In ParentingWhether you are in the thick of parenting, are grand-parenting, or are still considering becoming a parent, there will be fun and knowledge for you. Plus, we look forward to hearing about your parenting and growing up experiences, both the funny and the cringe worthy.

You can join in the chat by searching #30SecondMom on Twitter. There are many useful platforms to use during a Twitter chat, too, including Tweetchat (I use Tweetchat), Tweetdeck, and Hootsuite, plus several others.

I will be chatting with my Twitter handle @GinaValley and also my back up Twitter handle @GinaValley2 (in case I am thrown into Twitter jail on my primary account for tweeting too much!). Be sure to follow both so you can easily see the Tweets.

I will respond to everyone I can during the chat. If I miss a comment or question during the chat, I will answer it after the chat. Sometimes chats get so crazy it is hard to keep up, and I have to review and answer afterward.

If you’d like to qualify to win prizes you can RSVP here.

Be sure to attach the #30SecondMom hashtag to each of your tweets during the chat so we can all see what you have to say.

#30SecondMom Chat is the best moms’ night in on Twitter.

I look forward to hanging out with you and hearing what you have to say.

See you there!

-gina

I Left My Brain At The Car Rental Counter!!! …Gina’s Favorites

I Left My Brain At The Car Rental Counter!!! …Gina’s Favorites

By Gina Valley

I’m traveling this week & this timely topic came to mind. Laugh along with this Gina’s Favorites post.

I Left My Brain At The Car Rental Counter!!!

I rent cars frequently, so you’d think I’d be good at figuring out how to use the gadgets in an unfamiliar vehicle. But, you’d be wrong.

Generally, I muddle through as I meet each new set of wheels. Occasionally, I’m briefly baffled, but usually I figure most everything out.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I Left My Brain At The Car Rental Counter!!! ...Gina's Favorites ConfusionThis time, though, I was nearly inept.

Maybe it was because I’ve never rented this brand (I think the proper term is “make” of car, but we use the word “make” to tell our puppies it’s time for them to poop, so I have trouble using “make” to describe a car without giggling. I’m giggling now) of car before.

Maybe it was because I didn’t get the usual 30 second run down on the car’s quirks from the rental car agent.

Maybe it was because I only slept 3 hours the night before.

But, whatever it was, clearly, my brain was slipping a gear. Maybe two.

I could not turn off the blinker.

I pushed the turn signal bar down to signal a left side lane change, and then pushed it back up to turn it off. But, that did not turn it off. It, instead, turned on the right side turn indicator. I assumed I had pushed it up too far, so I pushed it down a tad. This, of course, turned the left side signal back on.

I repeated this futile exercise 6 or 8 times, convincing the drivers around me that I had completely lost my mind or was harboring battling personalities, before I accidentally pushed the bar forward, turning off the signal the way many cars activate their high beams.

Then, I panicked, worrying about a possible high beam emergency ensuing any second, because I realized I had no idea how to turn on the high beams. I never did figure out how to activate the high beams. Fortunately, there were no high beam-necessitating emergencies.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I Left My Brain At The Car Rental Counter!!! ...Gina's Favorites ConfusionI was blasting the radio, which I love to do when driving alone. But, when I needed to turn down the volume, I kept reaching for the knob in the place it is in most cars. Turns out that is the fan speed controller in that car, and it didn’t work well at all to turn down the radio volume.

I repeated this feat of brilliance at least a dozen times during the drive. Each time I was surprised the volume was unchanged, and each time I was then immediately thankful my thoughts were not broadcast over the internet for all to share in my stupidity. Especially for that 12th time.

Not only was I volume-control-impaired, I was also sound-direction-impaired. All of the radio sound was coming from the right side speakers. I couldn’t figure out how to change that, even after I parked the car and closely examined the controls.

My right ear was the only one processing the sound, and that made it feel like my left ear had gone deaf. I briefly wondered if I could somehow manage to drive while seated backwards so as to give my left ear a chance at some action, but decided against it when I realized I still needed to figure out how to turn on the windshield wipers.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I Left My Brain At The Car Rental Counter!!! ...Gina's Favorites ConfusionJust getting out of the car I somehow activated the hazard lights.

And, search as I did, I could not find a button to push inside of the car to pop open the trunk. Thankfully, there was an icon on the key fob that popped that puppy open after only 25 different tries. I was glad I didn’t have to try to explain to everyone at the meeting that my notes were locked in a car with an unopenable trunk & vertigo-inducing speakers.

By the time I walked into the conference room, I felt like I was rapidly morphing into an idiot (I might or might not have gotten off on the wrong floor on the way up. Seven and five are very similar, you know).

Then, as I waited for the meeting to begin, I remembered I never turned off the car’s hazard lights, and realized my transformation was complete.

I had, obviously, left my brain at the rental car counter.

Or, maybe I locked it in the trunk.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do you ever feel like your IQ has fallen out your ear?  Do you adapt quickly to driving an unfamiliar vehicle, or do you find yourself unable to unlock the doors?  I’m looking forward to hearing what you have to say. Luckily, there’s a handy “comment” button right on this page!

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

I’m NOT A Modern Woman!…Gina’s Favorites

I’m NOT A Modern Woman! …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

Laugh along with this Gina’s Favorites post.

I’m NOT A Modern Woman!

I’ve been trying to buy some matte eye shadow.

I’m happy to have a glowing personality, but I don’t want to have it on my eyelids, in the middle of the day, when I’m working hard to stay awake during a staff meeting or the PTA election speeches.

I think the sparkles make my eyes tired. All that glitter must weigh a ton. And, I certainly don’t need any help getting my eyes to droop.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I’m NOT A Modern Woman! ...Gina's Favorites Make UpMatte eye shadow. Eye shadow, no sparkles. Sounds simple enough.

Heck, I’m pretty sure that if I rub my thumb over the top of our refrigerator it’d come up with the perfect mix of dust and grease I could rub on my eyelids for that sultry, smoky look. It might be more a sooty look, though, due to the burned toast crumbs. But, it’d be trendsetting either way, and organic and gluten-free. Perhaps, I have the makings of a new business.

I mentioned this to my friend, Joan, who’s been providing me with sage advice since the third grade. Joan told me that I do not have the makings of a new business, that rubbing refrigerator dirt on my eyelids was not an acceptable option for eye shadow, and that maybe I should clean off the top of the refrigerator.

I told Joan that I thought it would be easier to get a new refrigerator, and that I’d been to 4 stores searching for matte eye shadow. And, none of them had any.

Joan told me that was because two of the stores I went to were grocery stores, and the other two were the blue and the red big box stores. I told Joan that I was already heading to those stores for errands, and I didn’t have time to be making special trips to the make-up counter at our local department store – Condescending R Us – every time I decided to try to look like a grown up.

Joan told me that maintaining our appearance is as important as going to the doctor. I told Joan that I didn’t think we could be friends anymore.

Nonetheless, I found myself standing at one of the makeup counters at Condescending R Us.

I picked this particular counter over the other half dozen options, because the person working behind it had on a lab coat. I figured that was a good sign. After all, the associate at one of the other counters seemed to be wearing some sort of smock made out of cobwebs, and another was wearing what can only be accurately described as a Slutty Candy Striper costume.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I’m NOT A Modern Woman! ...Gina's Favorites Make UpI reasoned that this person in the lab coat was likely to take a scientific approach to facial decoration issues. Obviously, I had sniffed too much complementary perfume on the way in.

The lab-coated person smiled, and floated over to me. I’ve always admired people who can “float” when they walk. I can barely pull off not tripping while I walk.

She introduced herself to me as “Lawn, your cosmetics concierge.” I didn’t even know I needed a cosmetics concierge, much less had one. She then told me that it was her goal to make this the best day ever for me.

She looked a bit confused when I pointed out that I’d need her to do all of our laundry and to make dinner for that to happen.

I told Lawn that I wanted to buy some matte eye shadow.

Lawn shook her head, clearly pitying me. She steered me toward a tall stool at her makeup counter, and draped a prickly towel around my neck. She told me that it was vital to have a solid base for my beauty routine.

I contemplated explaining to her that the base of my “beauty routine” is hitting enough red lights while driving carpool to have time to fish my mascara out from the bottom of my purse. And, that I have to hit that one really long light near the high school, if I want even a chance at swiping a little across my lashes.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I’m NOT A Modern Woman! ...Gina's Favorites Make UpLawn explained to me that matte is not en vogue. Sparkly is. So, they have “shimmer” (a little sparkly) eye shadow or “shine” (super sparkly) eye shadow. She didn’t mention “Strobe” or “Laser,” but I’m sure they have those, too. You probably need a special “Paint & Carry” permit before you’re allowed to apply them to your face. Safety first.

“This,” the 20-something (I assume she wasn’t still a teen, even though she looked like one, as it was 10am on a school day) 96 pound make-up concierge, explained to me, as she held out a giant palette of eye shadow, “is the way we modern women highlight our eyes.” I noticed her eyes were “highlighted” with orange sparkly eye shadow and purple liner, both above and below. It looked as though a pair of Elton John’s eye glasses had somehow melted onto her face.

After she swept a gob of blue “shine” eye shadow across my eyelids (isn’t blue eye shadow illegal?), Lawn quickly outlined my eyes with blue “shimmer” eye liner. She then explained to me that this shimmer with the shine is what all the modern women are wearing, and it’s “a very subtle, sexy look.”

I looked in the mirror. Neither subtle nor sexy sprang to mind.

Creepy clown in a horror show, maybe. Three year old, who got into her mother’s make up, possibly. I hope this washes off, definitely.

I guess I’m just not a modern woman.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Are you a modern woman? Do you trip the light fantastic across your lids? Or, do you prefer the natural look? Do you shimmer or shine? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing what you have to say.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

They’re NOT GROSS – They’re Activists …Gina’s Favorites

They’re NOT GROSS – They’re Activists …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

This post came to mind today when I found the package of chocolate chips in the bathroom. Again. Laugh along with this Gina’s Favorites post.

They’re NOT GROSS – They’re Activists

My friend DeAnne and I were discussing our children the other day, and we had an epiphany.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley They’re NOT GROSS - They’re Activists …Gina’s FavoritesKids are gross.

They are. They really, really are.

I know it. You know it. We all know it.

After our chat, I felt like I should immediately call my mom, and apologize for any and all grossness I perpetuated on her while growing up.

I was slowed in my attempt at the belated apology, because our phone was cemented to our kitchen counter by a puddle of maple syrup and a pancake, with two bites missing and 3 finger holes pushed through it.

Gross.

But, the more I thought about our kids’ anti-hygienic behavior, the more I wondered if perhaps we were overlooking the true cause of their grossness.

What if we’re wrong? What if we’re all wrong?

What if it’s not that our children are gross, but rather that they’re misunderstood?

What if what appears to be slovenly ways is actually them answering a higher calling?

What if they’re not fungus-spreading, bacteria-building urchins re-wearing yesterday’s dirty garments because they’re too lazy to put on new clothes? What if they’re thoughtfully attempting to reduce the mountain of laundry produced by our household, thereby saving me work and reducing the strain on the environment?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley They’re NOT GROSS - They’re Activists …Gina’s FavoritesWhat if they did not bring the giant package of chocolate chips, the bag of Cheez Doodles, and the jug of Gatorade into the bathroom to input while they…output? What if they were stocking the room that has easy to access fresh water with food, so we’d all be well fed in the event of an earthquake?

What if they’re not stinky, self-absorbed people who refuse to take my advice, much less follow my instructions, to apply deodorant at least once a day? What if they’re protecting our family from the ever present and growing encroachment into our lives, and their armpits, by complicated chemical compounds?

What if they’re not mess-blind to the nacho cheese sauce they dribbled from the kitchen through the dining room, and halfway up the stairs? What if they’re instead working to provide a welcoming environment for any endangered species of ants that might, perchance, be living nearby?

What if they have not been trying to reschedule their daily shower into a biweekly event because they’re anti-shower-ite, caked-on crud lovers? What if they’re choosing to conserve water to save us from our giant SoCal water bill, and to ensure the next generation of Californians has a shot at a green lawn?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley They’re NOT GROSS - They’re Activists …Gina’s FavoritesWhat if they’re not too lazy to throw away the sticky, stinky paper plate they used while eating their peanut butter and pickle sandwich? What if by leaving it on the kitchen counter, right next to where the garbage bin is, they’re instead attempting to save the next hungry family member from the time and trouble of having to open the cupboard to retrieve a paper plate for him or herself?

What if they’re not filthy, dirt hoarders hell-bent on hanging onto every molecule of mulch they’ve ever come into contact with, in order to blend in with the mess that is their bedroom? What if they’re ever so politely saving the soap and shampoo for other members of our household, lest we be caught unprepared in the event of a sudden soap or shampoo dependent emergency?

What if they’re givers?

Nah.

They’re just gross.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Any activists in your household? Were you neat and tidy when you were a kid? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

There’s NO Sleep In Sleep-Over

There’s NO Sleep In Sleep-Over

by Gina Valley

I didn’t realize a person could wear a dress shirt inside out.

But, The Professor did it today.

I think he gained that super power sometime around 3:31am when the fifth loud crash, followed by peals of laughter, echoed up from our family room. He rolled over and asked me if I thought it was too late to return our children to the hospital.

I giggled at my sleep-deprived husband. We could never return our children. I have no idea where the receipts are.

Our 14 year old and 5 of his friends camped out in our family room last night. Our son said it was a sleepover. I’m not sure what it was, but it was definitely not a sleepover.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley There’s NO Sleep In Sleep-Over

No one slept. No one.

No one downstairs slept.

No one upstairs slept.

I don’t even think anyone in the yard slept, because I’m pretty sure the raccoon that lives in the tree in our backyard flipped me off while I was taking out the trash after breakfast.

I tried to sleep, but each time my total exhaustion overcame the noise and I started to doze off, my daughters burst into our bedroom and demanded that I “Tell the boys to ‘Shut up!’”

I did not “tell the boys to ‘Shut up!’” although I might have, if I hadn’t been too exhausted to get out of bed.

So, my eyes are bloodshot, and I accidentally brushed my teeth with wrinkle cream this morning.

My daughters are frighteningly grumpy, and thankfully, refusing to get out of their beds.

The 14 year olds encamped in our family room only opened their eyes long enough this morning to find the Capt’n Crunch and M&M’s they’d requested for breakfast (I know. I was grossed out, too). Then, they all collapsed back onto the floor, snoring with their pillows and video game controllers.

Even our dogs have bags under their eyes, and are too sleepy to wag their tails.

And, I think I saw our XBox yawn.

I could tell The Professor was too sleep-deprived to think, because he patted me on the head and kissed our dog goodbye on his way out the door. He was off to deliver a lecture on snail teeth, or some such vital topic. I wondered how he’d remember what he was supposed to say.

I also wondered about his unusual fashion choice.

“Hey,” I queried. “What’s up with your shirt?”

“I had a lot trouble buttoning it,” he answered, after draining his coffee mug.

I refilled it for him. “I think that’s ‘cause…uh…it’s inside-out,” I answered.

I decided not to mention he was wearing two different shoes.

After all, who was I to criticize? I’d just gargled with my contact lens solution.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do your kids sleep at sleep-overs? Did you, when you were a child? Do my shoes match? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing what you think.

Photos courtesy of Dreamstime.com – Used with permission.

Top 10 Reasons Daylight Savings Time Is The Devil …Gina’s Favorites

Top 10 Reasons Daylight Savings Time Is The Devil …Gina’s Favorites

By Gina Valley

Laugh along with this timely Gina’s Favorites post.

Top 10 Reasons Daylight Savings Time Is The Devil

There are few things that draw people together like the near universal hatred of the “Spring forward!” part of Daylight Savings Time.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Reasons Daylight Savings Time Is The Devil ...Gina's Favorites

I’m told that when Daylight Savings Time was first instituted oh so many decades ago that there were many benefits to the average person.

Be that as it may, I’m not seeing the benefits at this point, and I think we need to band together to get rid of the whole thing (and that one super nasty, taste-of-death candy they hide amongst all the good ones in every box of Sees’ candy. What flavor is that supposed to be anyway? Rotting dirt?).

Besides not seeing the benefits, I’m seeing lots of problems. It’s bad enough trying to figure out what time it is here, trying to figure out what time it is in other parts of the world to time communication correctly is really tough.  And, getting my kids up in time for school is near impossible. Truly, Daylight Savings Time is the devil.

Top 10 Reasons Daylight Savings Time Is The Devil

#10.  It forces us to grudgingly use our interpersonal skills, as we, as a group, wander around the week before we change the clocks asking each other, “Is it ‘Spring forward’? It’s ‘Spring forward,’ right? Are you sure it’s not ‘Spring back?’”

#9.  Even as we are in the midst of the sleep deprivation it has wrought, we must exhibit extra coordination as we attempt to adjust our car dashboard clock, while at the same time trying to avoid oncoming cars careening in our direction, piloted by others who are both sleep deprived and trying to figure out how to change their dashboard clocks.

#8.  We run the risk of a cardiac event when we’re staring at our phone at 1:59am and it suddenly switches to 3am, causing us to panic, as we wonder whether we have just time experienced time travel or a black out.

#7.  It brings out extra personality in our children on Monday morning, and causes shoes, backpacks, and homework to disappear at near-double the normal rate.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Reasons Daylight Savings Time Is The Devil ...Gina's Favorites

#6.  It turns adults into children, as we attempt to grasp any reason, no matter how flimsy, as to why we must remain in bed for another hour, and probably for the rest of the week.

#5.  It causes the phrase “I’m not tired!” to be uttered angrily, forcefully, and a near-world-record-setting number of times for the entire week after we “Spring forward!”

#4.  None of us “Spring forward!” We all barely stumble forward, and the whole “Spring forward!” and its cheerful tone is just mocking us.

#3.  It makes everyone arrive 30 minutes early for the second service at church on Sunday morning, when we were in fact all shooting for the first service, but forgot to adjust our clocks.

#2.  It turns our co-workers into seeming philosophers or heroin addicts, as they wander from cubicle to cubicle, muttering “What time is it? Does anyone know what time it is?”

#1.  It’s just another way to torture parents of small children, because small children neither know nor care what Daylight Savings Time is, and see no reason to go to bed an hour before they did last week, yet somehow manage to get up an hour earlier each morning.

It’s time to stop the madness!

At least I think it is.

Does anyone know what time it is?

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do you love or hate Daylight Savings Time? Do they follow Daylight Savings Time where you live?  Why do they put that one nasty candy in with the good candy? Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.