The Healthy Stuff Will KILL You!!!

The Healthy Stuff Will KILL You!!! …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

Laugh along with this timely Gina’s Favorites post.

That Healthy Stuff Will KILL You!!!

My go-to crunchy snack of late is almonds. They’re no Cheez Doodles, but they are a healthy choice. They’re low in carbs, high in protein, and yummy.

Usually.

I’ve also started taking a multivitamin. Technically, I’ve always taken multivitamins, but I’m not so good at the pill swallowing thing, so, for the last decade or two, I’ve had those gummy vitamins.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley The Healthy Stuff Will KILL You!!! ...Gina's Favorites

My sister, the doctor, recently pointed out that “someone your age should have a much broader spectrum of nutrients in their supplement to aid in brain sharpness than is available in a gummy bear.”

I pointed out that, first of all, they were not gummy bears; they’re gummy vitamins.  And, that my age is 10 years younger than hers.

But, I knew she was right (nobody tell her I said that), so I found a multivitamin with all the bizarre brain sharpness supporting stuff in it she said to take, and I’ve done pretty well swallowing the giant pill each day for the past month. I think I’m almost a grown up now.

When I began this pill-swallowing-act-like-a-grown-up routine, I realized that my stomach was less than welcoming to the giant pill, and quite prone to reject it altogether (and to return it to sender in a most rapid and disgusting manner) if I did not have a little snack right before I swallowed the near-submarine-sized chunk o’ health. So, I usually eat a few almonds when I’m getting ready to trip the pill fantastic.

Today, I grabbed my 12 almonds (yes, I count them. OCD – the gift that keeps giving!), and started munching them while I got out my multivitamin and my fish oil capsules out of their bottles. Yes, I’m becoming quite the health nut (Chocolate is still healthy, right?).

I was just about done with my almonds when I bit into what I thought was an almond, but was clearly a minion of satan.

I immediately wanted to cry out “Something evil this way comes!” but I couldn’t because it tasted so bad I was gagging (and no one was home to hear it anyway, other than our dogs, who have never put anything into their mouth that they didn’t find delicious).

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley The Healthy Stuff Will KILL You!!! ...Gina's FavoritesThis taste was worse than the rotten, cherry cough-syrup taste usually gifted to me by the occasional bad nut in each bag (almonds are not technically nuts, but still). It was beyond-this-world horrible.

I gagged. I coughed. I spewed the rancid mess into our kitchen sink.

Then, I gulped from the faucet and swished and gargled and spit in an attempt to rid my mouth of the foul invader.

I was truly a vision of breathtaking femininity.

The nasty nut had crumbled and wedged pieces of itself in between my teeth. I briefly wondered if the power washer we rented to clean off the patio would fit in my mouth or if my dentist would consider opening his office on his day off to blast my teeth with that water jet thing they have.

But, it occurred to me that, were I to bite into some good tasting almonds, the pieces of those yummy almonds would dislodged the pieces of the evil almond, rendering them spit-outable.

Just as I was tossing the last two almonds from my hand into my mouth in an effort to get the foul remnants of the disgusting almond out of my teeth, I remembered the reason I was munching on almonds in the first place. I was preparing my sensitive stomach for the arrival of my multivitamin.  The horrible almond, I realized as the last 2 almonds landed in my mouth, was not an almond at all.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley The Healthy Stuff Will KILL You!!! ...Gina's FavoritesIt was my multivitamin. (how are vitamins good for us when they clearly are made out of evil?!?!)

And, I realized just in time to abort the first chew, those last 2 almonds I’d tossed into my mouth to save me from the evil almond, which was not an almond, were not almonds, either. They were fish oil capsules.

I think the multivitamin is not so much helping with my brain-sharpness.

So, I’m calling my sister, the doctor, to tell her, as soon as I get back from the store.

I’m buying some gummy vitamins.

And, a bag of Cheez Doodles.

They may not be good for me, but at least they’ve never tried to kill me.

Laugh out loud!

-gina

Do you take vitamins? Are you good at swallowing pills? What healthy stuff do you do? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission

Defying Gravity…Gina’s Favorites

Defying Gravity…Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

I’m traveling with my family this week, so, to keep you in giggles, I’ve qued up some of my favorite posts from the past.
Laugh along with this timely Gina’s Favorites Throwback post.

Defying Gravity

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Defying Gravity...Gina's Favorites Dieting Weigh In

It’s that time of year. We’re all doing it.

You start with just the standards.

Like taking off your shoes and jacket.

Amateur stuff.

You get on and fly off.  Surely, that is not right.

You spy the depository, and ask yourself if you’ve completed all possible off-loading already. Just to be, sure you make an attempt at excess inventory reduction. But, alas, no change.

Oh, of course. You have your cell phone and a pack of gum in your pocket.

Still not there.

You take off your clothes and stand there in your underwear.  Nope.

Then, you change in to your thin underwear.  No dice.

You switch to that thong you got as a gag gift at the office Christmas party last year.  Still can’t be right.

What about that underwire?  It’s metal.  That’s got to be significant.

You put on that see-through, good for nothing sports bra your know-it-all cousin talked you into buying at the pro shop.  Nope.

You take off your glasses and put in your contacts.  Nope.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Defying Gravity...Gina's Favorites Dieting Weigh In

You take out your contacts.  They’re heavier than they look (why do you think your eyes get tired when you wear them too long?).

Pretty soon you’re standing there on the scale, naked, flapping your arms.

That’s why they kicked me out of Waist Watchers.

I was good at Waist Watchers, too.  But, did you know they won’t give you that ten pound pin unless you have lost the ten pounds?  Please.  That seems discriminatory to me.

Then, it dawns on you.

Iron.

You’ve been eating dark, leafy greens (well, except kale. Kale is nasty) to improve your health. You’ve been increasing your iron.

You’re probably carrying an extra 10 lbs of just iron.

Which means, since the scale only shows a 3 lb gain, you’ve actually lost 7lbs.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Defying Gravity...Gina's Favorites Dieting Weigh InExperts say that it’s important to reward yourself occasionally.  That’s what the experts say.  Celebrating small victories improves your chances of sticking with your healthy eating plan.

Which means you should have a cookie.  To celebrate.  So, you’ll stick with your healthy eating plan.

really want to stick with my healthy eating plan.

So, I’m having 2.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Where’s your will power this week?  Do the calories in a mini Snickers count if no one sees you eat it?  If my kids witness me noshing on celery, I get to have chocolate for free later, right?  How is your battle for great health going?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Stop by my Where Have All The Stretchy Pants Gone? post for lots of great tips to reduce calorie absorption rates, and be sure to leave some of your own in the comments there so I can share them with everyone.

Thanks for reading and giggling with me.

You’ve earned a cookie.

Maybe even two!

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission

My Flab Is Snickering Again…Gina’s Favorites

My Flab Is Snickering Again…Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

I’m traveling with my family this week, so to keep you in giggles, I’ve loaded up some of my favorite travel posts.  Laugh along with this Gina’s Favorites throwback.

My Flab Is Snickering Again

See all those sad people around you?  They’re the ones trying to adopt healthy habits.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley My Flab Is Snickering Again...Gina's Favorites

This time of year nearly everyone is trying to get healthy.  That’s why there’s so much road rage on the freeways, at the grocery store, and in the Jelly Belly Factory parking Lot.

I’ve been caught up in The War Against Flab just like everyone else.

In the name of Good Health, I parked in the farthest space from the door when we went to the ice cream parlor.

When we returned, our van was boxed in by two 18-wheelers, a Prius, and a minivan. I almost threw my triple cone at them.  Almost.

I’m pretty sure I heard my flab snickering.

Again in the name of Good Health, I decided to take the stairs instead of the escalator to get to my gym.

It took the combined power of me and 2 trainers to shove the door to the stairway open.  One of the trainers remarked that he didn’t think anyone had opened that door since the building was constructed.  Since the stairs inside were covered with enough cobwebs to be a set for the next Indiana Jones movie, I was inclined to believe him.

The other trainer said, “I’m not sure those stairs even work.”  I think he may have dropped a barbell on his head earlier.

I’m pretty sure I heard my flab snickering.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley My Flab Is Snickering Again...Gina's Favorites And, in the name of Good Health, while I was at Costco I bought some canned soup to use as a quick lunch back up for those days when I don’t have time to pack a healthy lunch, and I don’t have a lunch date (I also noted that I really need to get more lunch dates).  I bought the healthy, low-fat, low-salt soup.

The soup wasn’t bad. I admit that, before you heat it up, it’s a little bland, kind of reminiscent of tepid water. But, after you heat it up, it takes on a whole new attitude. It tastes just like chunky hot water. Did I really buy a pack of 10 cans of this? Stupid CostCo.

It’s going to take a big handful of cheese, 6 or 8 crackers, and a spoonful of salt to make it almost palatable.

I definitely heard my flab snickering that time.

Laugh Out loud!

-gina

What’s you strategy for fighting the battle of the bulge?  Are you winning?  Do you take the stairs or the escalator?  And, why does the hand rail move faster than the steps on those things?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission

Top 10 Ways To Eat EVERYTHING & Lose Weight…Gina’s Favorites

Top 10 Ways To Eat EVERYTHING & Lose Weight…Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

While I’m scouring my kids’ rooms in search of flatware, so we won’t all have to share a fork on Thanksgiving, laugh along with this Gina’s Favorites post.

Top 10 Ways To Eat EVERYTHING & Lose Weight

Tears well in my eyes as I realize this is one of a just a few times a year when all humanity joins together with a common goal:

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Ways To Eat EVERYTHING & Lose Weight...Gina's FavoritesTo lose half our body weight in the next 3 days.

As always, I’m here to help you out.

I have a crack team of researchers working tirelessly throughout the year, gathering tips on how to absorb fewer calories from all those delectable delights that are assaulting us.

Here are 10 of my favorites:

Top 10 Ways To Eat Everything & Still Lose Weight

#10.  Have fast food.  Food eaten while driving on the freeway has no calories because calories cannot travel over 50 miles per hour.

#9.  Add nuts to everything.  Any food with nuts in it is considered a protein and therefore has calories equivalent to an equally sized piece of steamed, boneless, skinless chicken breast.  That’s why fudge is so popular at holiday parties.

#8.  Stand up while you eat.  If you stand while eating, gravity pulls the calories down through your body, out through the soles your feet, and into the center of the earth.  That’s why the earth weighs so much. Make sure you remain standing for several minutes after you finish eating to fully reap the benefits of this technique. I think we’ve all seen people who sat down too soon and ended up trapping all of their calories near their rear-end region.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Ways To Eat EVERYTHING & Lose Weight...Gina's Favorites

#7.  Break your cookies.  Broken cookies have no calories. The breaks cause the calories to leak out. Brownie crumbs are calorie free for the same reason, as is any other favorite food chopped into small pieces.

#6.  Dine with a friend.  Socializing while eating removes half of the calories from your food. So, if you eat standing up while you socialize you will actually lose weight.

#5.  Walk it off.  Food consumed immediately before or after a walk doesn’t count.  Walk to the refrigerator to get those cream puffs or saunter over to the buffet for more meatballs to ensure calorie-free dining.

#4.  Gnosh those leftovers.  All calories in a food are consumed the first time it’s served, making leftovers calorie free.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Ways To Eat EVERYTHING & Lose Weight...Gina's Favorites#3.  Plan to run a marathon.  Any food consumed in preparation for a marathon doesn’t count. So plan to run a marathon, because, as a dear reader once reminded me, it doesn’t matter if you’re going to run the marathon the next day or the next decade, that food doesn’t count.

#2.  Eat kids’ stuff.  Food prepared or decorated by children has no calories because the kids consumed all of the calories while licking food off of their fingers during the preparation phase.

#1.  Add something green.  A chemical reaction occurs between green stuff and fatty foods that dissolves all calories.  So, doubling up the lettuce on your bacon double cheeseburger or ham and cheese on rye removes the calories. Green sprinkles on your cupcake make it calorie-free, as the green foil wrapper does for Hershey’s chocolate kisses.

If we all work together, someday, we can have a world that is stretchy pants free.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

For more food fun click on over to my No Stretchy Pants Necessary! – How To Eat Everything This Holiday Season AND Lose Weight post.  As always, the extra clicks to get there count as cardio.

How do you win the calorie battle?  If you have anything I should add to my list, please share it.  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission

My Flab Is Snickering Again

My Flab Is Snickering Again

by Gina Valley

See all those sad people around you?  They’re the ones trying to adopt healthy habits.

These days nearly everyone is trying to get healthy.  That’s why there’s so much road rage on the freeways, at the grocery store, and in the Jelly Belly Factory parking Lot.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley My Flab Is Snickering Again Dieting HealthI’ve been caught up in The War Against Flab just like everyone else.

In the name of Good Health, I parked in the farthest space from the door when we went to the ice cream parlor.

When we returned, our van was boxed in by two 18-wheelers, a Prius, and a minivan. I almost threw my triple cone at them.  Almost.

I’m pretty sure I heard my flab snickering.

Again in the name of Good Health, I decided to take the stairs instead of the escalator to get to my gym.

It took the combined power of me and 2 trainers to shove the door to the stairway open.  One of the trainers remarked that he didn’t think anyone had opened that door since the building was constructed.  Since the stairs inside were covered with enough cobwebs to be a set for the next Indiana Jones movie, I was inclined to believe him.

The other trainer said, “I’m not sure those stairs even work.”  I think he may have dropped a barbell on his head earlier.

I’m pretty sure I heard my flab snickering.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley My Flab Is Snickering Again Dieting HealthAnd, in the name of Good Health, while I was at Costco I bought some canned soup to use as a quick lunch back up for those days when I don’t have time to pack a healthy lunch, and I don’t have a lunch date (I also noted that I really need to get more lunch dates).  I bought the healthy, low-fat, low-salt soup.

The soup wasn’t bad. I admit that, before you heat it up, it’s a little bland, kind of reminiscent of tepid water. But, after you heat it up, it takes on a whole new attitude. It tastes just like chunky hot water. Did I really buy a pack of 10 cans of this? Stupid CostCo.

All it really needs is a big handful of cheese, 6 or 8 crackers, and a spoonful of salt.

I definitely heard my flab snickering that time.

Laugh Out loud!

-gina

What’s you strategy for fighting the battle of the bulge?  Are you winning?  Do you take the stairs or the escalator?  And, why does the hand rail move faster than the steps on those things?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Top 10 Ways To Eat EVERYTHING & Lose Weight

Top 10 Ways To Eat EVERYTHING & Lose Weight

by Gina Valley

Tears well in my eyes as I realize this is one of just a few times a year when all humanity joins together with a common goal:

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Totally Top 10 Ways To Eat EVERYTHING & Lose Weight

To lose half our body weight in the next 3 days.

As always, I’m here to support you, my dear readers.

I have a crack team of researchers working tirelessly throughout the year, gathering tips on how to absorb fewer calories from all those delectable delights that are assaulting us.

Here are 10 of my favorites:

Top 10 Ways To Eat Everything & Still Lose Weight

#10.  Have fast food.  Food eaten while driving on the freeway has no calories because calories cannot travel over 50 miles per hour.

#9.  Add nuts to everything.  Any food with nuts in it is considered a protein and therefore has calories equivalent to an equally sized piece of steamed, boneless, skinless chicken breast.  That’s why fudge is so popular at holiday parties.

#8.  Stand up while you eat.  If you stand while eating, gravity pulls the calories down through your body, out through the soles your feet, and into the center of the earth.  That’s why the earth weighs so much. Make sure you remain standing for several minutes after you finish eating to fully reap the benefits of this technique. I think we have all seen people who sat down too soon and ended up trapping all of their calories near their rear-end region.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Totally Top 10 Ways To Eat EVERYTHING & Lose Weight

#7.  Break your cookies.  Broken cookies have no calories. The breaks cause the calories to leak out. Brownie crumbs are calorie free for the same reason, as is any other favorite food chopped into small pieces.

#6.  Dine with a friend.  Socializing while eating removes half of the calories from your food. So, if you eat standing up while you socialize you will actually lose weight.

#5.  Walk it off.  Food consumed immediately before or after a walk doesn’t count.  Walk to the refrigerator to get those cream puffs or saunter over to the buffet for more meatballs to ensure calorie-free dining.

#4.  Gnosh those leftovers.  All calories in a food are consumed the first time it’s served, making leftovers calorie free.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Totally Top 10 Ways To Eat EVERYTHING & Lose Weight #3.  Plan to run a marathon.  Any food consumed in preparation for a marathon doesn’t count. So, plan to run a marathon, because, as a dear reader once reminded me, it doesn’t matter if you’re going to run the marathon the next day or the next decade, that food doesn’t count.

#2.  Eat kids’ stuff.  Food prepared or decorated by children has no calories because the kids consumed all of the calories while licking food off of their fingers during the preparation phase.

#1.  Add something green.  A chemical reaction occurs between green stuff and fatty foods that dissolves all calories.  So, doubling up the lettuce on your bacon double cheeseburger or ham and cheese on rye removes the calories. Green sprinkles on your cupcake make it calorie-free, as the green foil wrapper does for Hershey’s chocolate kisses.

If we all work together, someday, we can have a world that is stretchy pants free.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

For more food fun click on over to my No Stretchy Pants Necessary! – How To Eat Everything This Holiday Season AND Lose Weight post.  As always, the extra clicks to get there count as cardio.

How do you win the calorie battle?  If you have anything I should add to my list, please share it.  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Does This Holter Monitor Make My Arms Look Fat?

Does This Holter Monitor Make My Arms Look Fat?

by Gina Valley

The thing about being half the age of every other patient at the cardiology department is it makes you feel young.  Very young.  And that, believe it or not, is both incredibly funny and incredibly depressing.

The receptionist double checked my name twice, and asked me several times if I was the patient.  After a while I was starting to wonder myself.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Does This Holter Monitor Make My Arms Look Fat? Heart CardiacI was there to get fitted with a heart monitor.  The first time I heard the name of these wear-it-24/7 monitors, I thought the receptionist said that it was a “halter” monitor.  Now, personally, I don’t care for the way I look in a halter top, so I was not at all excited about the idea of wearing some sort of medically required, electronic, halter top around the clock.

As it turns out, it’s not “halter,” it’s “Holter,” as in some guy’s name.  I think he must have been the one who invented the snot-like sanding gel they scrub you with before using tape, glue, and possibly pipe cleaners to securely, very securely, hook your Holter monitor onto you.

(There’s also a tiny chance that it’s named after Norman Holter, the guy who invented this amazing device AND donated the rights and profits to medical science.  Way to go, Norm!)

When I arrived at the office, the receptionist handed me a paper with the word “HOLTER” stamped on it, and said to me, “If they ever call you, give them this paper.”

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Does This Holter Monitor Make My Arms Look Fat? Heart CardiacIf?  Was there some doubt about that?  If they ever call me?  Was it more of a KENO game than a guaranteed medical equipment fitting?  Does what happens in Cardiology stay in Cardiology?  As I looked around the large waiting room, I was pretty sure I’d seen some of these guys at The Tropicana.

I heard buzzing, and wondered if it was someone else’s fancy electronic heart monitor.   Turns out it was my fancy electronic life monitor.  My cell phone.

I’d received a text from Daughter#3 asking if, although she knew I told Son#4 that “he can’t watch TV while you’re gone because his mouth was not polite yesterday, would it be ok if I watch TV and he’s in the room, if he says he won’t watch it, ‘cause Daddy said that I have to ask you?”

I texted her back that I couldn’t possibly be concerning myself with TV watching issues when I was in the middle of a KENO game.  She did not text back.

As I sat there listening carefully for the possible utterance of my name, it occurred to me, that in my haste to shower this morning, I’d forgotten to shave my legs.  I’d done a speed shave during yesterday’s morning shower, so they looked ok, but, feeling them, it was clear that my Greek heritage was already coming through.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Does This Holter Monitor Make My Arms Look Fat? Heart CardiacI assumed they were going to put the heart monitor on my chest, but I worried I’d be judged (and that it would be noted in my permanent file), if they noticed that I’d showed up with less than smooth, nowhere close to date-worthy legs.  I was hoping for leniency because I’d gotten my hair and nails done.  You know how important that stuff is to cardiologists.

My name was in fact eventually called, and I gave the tiny woman named “Beth,” who’d hollered it, the slip of paper with the word “HOLTER” stamped on it.

Beth double checked that I was indeed the patient three times before finally leading me through a maze of halls that lead to the “Holter Application Room,” where, predictably, my Holter monitor was applied (and to think that people say that modern health care is confusing).

I noticed that one odd side effect of all this health weirdness and medical care I’ve been having of late is that I’ve developed a nonchalant-ness about taking my clothes off.   When Beth told me I’d need to remove my blouse, I pulled it off and tossed it on a chair without even making sure the door to the hall was closed.

Maybe I’ve found a second career.

Of course as a mom of 7, I can assure you it’d still be a comedy job.

And, I’d probably have to wait until I’ve returned this Holter monitor to start.  All that tape and glue on my chest is just not attractive.

Still, always nice to have options.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Have you ever worn a Holter monitor?  How about a Halter top?  Are your arms in good shape?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

No More Cake!

No More Cake!

by Gina Valley

My pack and I are traveling, visiting family, and just hanging out and giggling together.

This week we are staying with my parents. I’m hoping this week will be a lot less eventful than last week’s Medical Marathon and Emergency Room Race.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley No More CakeMy parents are, as always, spoiling us.  My mom even did our laundry today.  My pack has been fishing and wandering in the woods with my dad. And, my mom’s Cake Of The Day fills their house with the scents of love every day. We might stay forever!

As I have planned to be busy being unbusy and unplanned, I’ve gone through my posts and queued up favorites to keep you in giggles while I’m hanging with my pack.

I hope you enjoy this Gina’s Favorites.

And, I hope you stop and take time to hang out with and laugh with your loved ones, too.

Thank you for reading and sharing.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Today’s Gina’s Favorites post is my Where Have All The Stretchy Pants Gone? post.   You can read my Where Have All The Stretchy Pants Gone?  post below in its entirety, or, for you hardcore readers, click on one of these magic links to read my Where Have All The Stretchy Pants Gone? post in its original location.

Either way, I’ll meet you at Where Have All The Stretchy Pants Gone? .  You bring the cookies.  I’ll bring the laughs.

Where Have All The Stretchy Pants Gone?

It’s summer.  Is there anyone on the planet who is not trying to, or at least feeling guilty about not trying to, change their weight?  Anyone?  Anyone?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley No More Cake

Well, with my annual intention to tighten up several areas in my life, and on my body, I’ve been thinking about the giant diet stress so many of us feel.   So, I want to share some of my well researched calorie absorption reduction techniques, and, additionally, some techniques you wonderful readers shared with me:

Fudge with nuts in it is considered a protein and therefore has calories equivalent to an equally sized piece of steamed, boneless, skinless chicken breast.

Diet Coke paired with anything cancels out the calories in its food companion due to some sort of complicated bio-chemical reaction (I don’t know if this works with Diet Pepsi or not.  Studies are still pending).  That’s why so many skinny people order a Big Mac, large fries, and a Diet Coke. How do you think they got so skinny?

Broken cookies have no calories. The breaks cause the calories to leak out. Brownie crumbs are calorie free for the same reason.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley No More CakeIf you stand while eating, gravity pulls the calories down through your body, out through the soles your feet, and into the center of the earth.  This is why the earth weighs so much. Make sure you remain standing for several minutes after you finish eating to fully reap the benefits of this technique. I think we have all seen people who sat down too soon and ended up trapping all of their calories near their rear end region.

Drinks ingested solely to stave off your “Throat Punchitis” that flares up every time your racist, sexist, moron of a brother-in-law speaks are considered medicinal and thus calorie free.

Socializing while eating removes half of the calories from your food. So, if you eat standing up while you socialize you will actually lose weight.

A chemical reaction occurs between green leafy vegetables and fatty foods that dissolves all calories.  So, doubling up the lettuce on your bacon double cheeseburger or ham and cheese on rye removes the calories. If you have it with a Diet Coke you might get light headed from a lack of sustenance, so be sure to have a cookie, too, to keep your strength up (just be sure the cookie isn’t broken!).

If you eat something because your kid took a bite and didn’t like it, or if you eat the last serving in a dish to save the hostess from having to put it away, or if you had seconds just to stroke the self-esteem of the chef there are no calories in that food due to the Physics Theorem of Karma.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley No More CakeFor every serving of nasty tasting healthy food you eat solely to keep peace in the family one serving of dessert or bacon of equal or lessor size will have no calories due to a corollary of the Physics Theorem of Karma.

Due to the Law of Food Thermodynamics for Marriage Preservation, for every serving of your mother-in-law’s Casserole That Smells Like Armpits you eat without complaint you can eat two serving of chocolate or an entire bag of pork rinds calorie free.  You are also entitled to the good lovin’, but that is a topic for another column.

Food eaten while driving on the freeway has no calories because calories cannot travel over 50 miles per hour.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley No More CakeFood eaten to stay awake during the slide show of your sister’s 54 entries into the county fair’s table setting competition or your uncle’s 6 hour video complete with monotone narration of the Civil War battle fields of the entire state of Virginia, as seen through his motor home’s window, while traveling 75 miles per hour on the expressway have no calories due to the extra calories burned transferring energy to the “Stay Awake” part of the brain. This follows the same calorie usage physics principle that the donuts at business meetings do.

Any cookies, milk, or other goodies consumed on behalf of fictional characters are calorie free due to the Santa Clause of Physics.

Nature’s Eyes shared great tips about ice cream and leftovers.  Eat all the ice cream you want – calorie free. Apparently, the calories are frozen out of it.  This is a great way to stay cool while maintaining bathing suit shape this summer.  And, leftovers have no calories because the calories were consumed in the first servings.  Great to know come midnight snacking time.  Thanks, Nature’s Eyes!

Doni pointed out that calories consumed while carb loading in preparation for a marathon don’t count, whether the marathon is to be run days, weeks, or years in the future.  Such a good fitness and nutrition point!  Thanks, Doni!

I’m sure we’ll all need a new wardrobe by Memorial Day!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do you have any calorie absorption reduction techniques to add?   Have you made any resolutions this year?  How’s it going?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

 

Defying Gravity

Defying Gravity

by Gina Valley

You start with just the standards.

Like taking off your shoes and jacket.

Amateur stuff.

You get on and fly off.  Surely, that is not right.

You spy the depository, and ask yourself if you completed all possible off-loading already.  Just to be, sure you make an attempt at excess inventory reduction.  But, alas, no change.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Defying Gravity Weight Gain Loss Scales Excuses Cookies

Oh, of course.  You have a cell phone and a pack of gum in your pocket.

Still not there.

You take off your clothes and stand there in your underwear.  Nope.

Then, you change in to your thin underwear.  No dice.

What about that underwire?  It’s metal.  That’s got to be significant.

You put on that see-through, good for nothing sports bra your know-it-all cousin talked you into buying at the pro shop.  Nope.

You take off your glasses and put in your contacts.  Nope.

You take out your contacts.  They’re heavier than they look (why do you think your eyes get tired when you wear them too long?).

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Defying Gravity Weight Gain Loss Scales Excuses Cookies

You switch to that thong you got as a gag gift at the office Christmas party last year.  Still can’t be right.

Pretty soon you’re standing there on the scale, naked flapping your arms.

That’s why they kicked me out of Waist Watchers.

I was good at Waist Watchers, too.  But, did you know they won’t give you that ten pound pin unless you have lost the ten pounds?  Please.  That seems discriminatory to me.

Then, it dawns on you.

Iron.  You’ve been increasing your iron.  Doctor’s orders.  You’ve been following them.  You’re taking the pills, eating the dark leafy greens (well, except the kale.  Kale is nasty).

You’re probably carrying an extra 10 lbs of just iron.

Which means, since the scale only shows a 3 lb gain, you’ve actually lost 7lbs.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Defying Gravity Weight Gain Loss Scales Excuses CookiesExperts say that it’s important to reward yourself occasionally.  That’s what the experts say.  Celebrating small victories improves your chances of sticking with your healthy eating plan.

Which means you should have a cookie.  To celebrate.  So, you’ll stick with your healthy eating plan.

I really want to stick with my healthy eating plan.

So, I’m having 2.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

How’s your will power this week?  Do the calories in a mini Kit Kat count if no one sees you eat it?  If my kids witness me noshing on celery, I get to have chocolate for free later, right?  How is your battle for great health going?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Stop by my Where Have All The Stretchy Pants Gone? post for lots of great tips to reduce calorie absorption rates, and be sure to leave some of your own in the comments there so I can share them with everyone.

Thanks for reading and giggling with me.

You’ve earned a cookie.

Maybe even two!

 

Where Have All The Stretchy Pants Gone?

Where Have All The Stretchy Pants Gone?

by Gina Valley

It’s January.  Is there anyone on the planet who is not trying to, or at least feeling guilty about not trying to, change their weight?  Anyone?  Anyone?

Well, with my annual intention to tighten up several areas in my life, and on my body, I’ve been thinking about the giant diet stress so many of us feel.  It reminded me of a post I did before Thanksgiving, wherein I shared some of my well researched calorie absorption reduction techniques.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Diet Techniques Tips Resolutions Stretchy Pants New Year Valentine Throwback Day Nutrition

So, this week for Throwback Day, I’m going to make it more of a small throw, a toss really, just back a couple months to my No Stretchy Pants Necessary post to re-share my calorie absorption reduction techniques, and, additionally, some techniques you wonderful readers shared with me:

Fudge with nuts in it is considered a protein and therefore has calories equivalent to an equally sized piece of steamed, boneless, skinless chicken breast.

Diet Coke paired with anything cancels out the calories in its food companion due to some sort of complicated bio-chemical reaction (I don’t know if this works with Diet Pepsi or not.  Studies are still pending).  That’s why so many skinny people order a Big Mac, large fries, and a Diet Coke. How do you think they got so skinny?

Broken cookies have no calories. The breaks cause the calories to leak out. Brownie crumbs are calorie free for the same reason.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Diet Techniques Tips Resolutions Stretchy Pants New Year Valentine Throwback Day NutritionIf you stand while eating, gravity pulls the calories down through your body, out through the soles your feet, and into the center of the earth.  This is why the earth weighs so much. Make sure you remain standing for several minutes after you finish eating to fully reap the benefits of this technique. I think we have all seen people who sat down too soon and ended up trapping all of their calories near their rear end region.

Drinks ingested solely to stave off your “Throat Punchitis” that flares up every time your racist, sexist, moron of a brother-in-law speaks are considered medicinal and thus calorie free.

Socializing while eating removes half of the calories from your food. So, if you eat standing up while you socialize you will actually lose weight.

A chemical reaction occurs between green leafy vegetables and fatty foods that dissolves all calories.  So, doubling up the lettuce on your bacon double cheeseburger or ham and cheese on rye removes the calories. If you have it with a Diet Coke you might get light headed from a lack of sustenance, so be sure to have a cookie, too, to keep your strength up (just be sure the cookie isn’t broken!).

If you eat something because your kid took a bite and didn’t like it, or if you eat the last serving in a dish to save the hostess from having to put it away, or if you had seconds just to stroke the self-esteem of the chef there are no calories in that food due to the Physics Theorem of Karma.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Diet Techniques Tips Resolutions Stretchy Pants New Year Valentine Throwback Day NutritionFor every serving of nasty tasting healthy food you eat solely to keep peace in the family one serving of dessert or bacon of equal or lessor size will have no calories due to a corollary of the Physics Theorem of Karma.

Due to the Law of Food Thermodynamics for Marriage Preservation, for every serving of your mother-in-law’s Casserole That Smells Like Armpits you eat without complaint you can eat two serving of chocolate or an entire bag of pork rinds calorie free.  You are also entitled to the good lovin’, but that is a topic for another column.

Food eaten while driving on the freeway has no calories because calories cannot travel over 50 miles per hour.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Diet Techniques Tips Resolutions Stretchy Pants New Year Valentine Throwback Day Nutrition

Food eaten to stay awake during the slide show of your sister’s 54 entries into the county fair’s table setting competition or your uncle’s 6 hour video complete with monotone narration of the Civil War battle fields of the entire state of Virginia, as seen through his motor home’s window, while traveling 75 miles per hour on the expressway have no calories due to the extra calories burned transferring energy to the “Stay Awake” part of the brain. This follows the same calorie usage physics principle that the donuts at business meetings do.

Any cookies, milk, or other goodies consumed on behalf of fictional characters are calorie free due to the Santa Clause of Physics.

Nature’s Eyes shared great tips about ice cream and leftovers.  Eat all the ice cream you want – calorie free. Apparently, the calories are frozen out of it.  This is a great way to stay cool while maintaining bathing suit shape this summer.  And, leftovers have no calories because the calories were consumed in the first servings.  Great to know come midnight snacking time.  Thanks, Nature’s Eyes!

Doni pointed out that calories consumed while carb loading in preparation for a marathon don’t count, whether the marathon is to be run days, weeks, or years in the future.  Such a good fitness and nutrition point!  Thanks, Doni!

I’m sure we’ll all need a new wardrobe by Valentine’s Day!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do you have any calorie absorption reduction techniques to add?   Have you made any resolutions this year?  How’s it going?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.