Why The Funny Hat?

Why The Funny Hat?

by Gina Valley

Why do we hike 2 miles through mud and over sod in our favorite heels to bake in full sun for 3 ½ hours, all the while wondering who invented pantyhose and whether it’s too late to kill him?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Graduation Why The Funny Hat?The graduates. We do it for the graduates.

I’ve got some questions for these knowledge-soaked, gown-draped, funny-hatted, glistening individuals.

What’s with your hats? A mortarboard? Really? Whose idea was this? Was it just one of those practical jokes, like Spam, 8-track tapes, and going to the gym, which got totally out of hand? Or, was someone actually watching a brick layer one day, had an epiphany, and thought “You know that mortarboard would make a great hat!”?

Is anyone truly inspired toward educational excellence by the sight of a tool made to hold goop to stick bricks together? Is there some sort of metaphor I’m missing? Is it just me or is it ironic that in a few months most of the new graduates will be begging their bricklaying uncle for a job?

I suppose there is some debate about the appropriateness of decorating your mortarboard (i.e. funny hat), but if you are going to decorate your mortarboard, don’t you think it would be a good idea to put the correct year? And, maybe do some spell-checking? Do you realize how much you increase your parents’ chance of having a stroke when you misspell “graduation,” “finally,” or “world” on the top of your hat?

What’s up with the vertical hats? Don’t you know hats go on your head? Not behind your head? Didn’t we cover this in kindergarten? Do you realize when you do that your tassel is trailing you like a tail from your head? Do you really think that look screams “I’m educated!”?

And, tassels? Seriously, tassels? Years of study and untold thousands of dollars and we hook tassels to the graduates heads? What are they supposed to do with those? Isn’t the tassel-involved career path somewhat limited, especially if you only have the one tassel? And, is it really the industry we’re hoping our graduates apply their recently culminated knowledge base to?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Graduation Why The Funny Hat?What is the deal with those robes? Did everyone get together in the days of yore and decide to make it a custom to wear the only garment ever invented that looks terrible on everyone to celebrate the acquisition of knowledge?

Why didn’t they at least get some input from the fashion and design faculty? And, who came up with that “one size fits all” spark of brilliance? Did anyone really think that would work out well? Isn’t it truly “one size fits no one?” Hasn’t this been the garb for hundreds of years? How about we give blue jeans and t-shirts a shot?

And, what are these robes made out of? Asbestos? Does NASA know they absorb more heat per square inch than the Space Shuttle tiles?

What does it mean when it says on the label to iron the robe with a cool iron? Aren’t I messing up when I’m ironing with a cool iron? Isn’t that just ‘cause I forgot to plug in the iron? Can’t I get that same cool iron effect by rubbing a big dictionary over the thing?

Is there some rule that says every third graduate must keep his or her robe in the plastic bag it came in until such time as they hear the processional being played to ensure maximum creasing? Do some of you think the creases are some sort of style technique? Do you really think you’re “making it work”?

Of the few crease-less robes, were any of them NOT ironed by the graduate’s parent? Did some of you actually attempt to use your car to press your robe? Why didn’t you at least brush the tread marks off?Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Graduation Why The Funny Hat?

Why can’t the robes be dry-cleaned OR wet cleaned? What other kind of “cleaned” is there? So they’re not supposed to be cleaned at all?

Do the robe makers realize the graduates sweat more in the 3 hours they’re wearing those robes than they did during every final exam combined for their entire educational career? Isn’t that going to get them wet? Is that moisture making them a fire hazard? Are the graduates in danger of spontaneously combusting? Is that why they tell us 15 times where the first aid station is before the ceremony starts?

What’s up with all the different tassels and drapes and cords the graduates are wearing? Why don’t they give us some kind of map or decoder ring so we can figure out what those signify? Do they actually signify anything?

Is it just me or did it seem like an awful lot of the graduates were decorated like Christmas trees? Do you really expect us to believe all of you are especially distinguished or honor students? Come on, you just bought some trimmings at the craft store to impress your grandma, didn’t you? Shouldn’t somebody be policing that so graduates don’t parade in falsely adorned?

Don’t you think we owe a debt of gratitude to the graduates who didn’t bother to think through their sub-robe regalia in advance? Did you graduates who opted for short and collarless ensembles for your interior outfit realize you’d make us wonder who the next streaker would be? Did you know that was really the only fun we had all day? It’s sort of like playing Keno while you wait for dinner in Las Vegas, you know? Did you hear me shout out “Psych Major #86 for the win!”? Did you know I made $55?

If you felt the need to express yourself in an especially “Free Willy” kind of way, don’t you think it would’ve been considerate to plan ahead a little? If you’re going to rip off your robe and streak across the stage dressed only in a smile is it too much to ask that you hit the gym at least a few weeks in advance? Is a couple sessions with a good spray tanner too much to hope for? Did you know there are specialists who can help with excess body hair? Did you realize corn rows are really only supposed to be on your head?

Did they use the Jaws of Life to remove the microphone stand you landed on, as the four guys from security tackled you in all your “au naturel” glory? Did they note your behavior in your permanent record, next to the notation about the time you started the food fight in 3rd grade and your refusal to shower after gym in 6th?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Graduation Why The Funny Hat?

And, how about those majors? Is it just me or do a lot of those majors sound made up? Does anyone really spend years studying Latin Historical Paintings of the Serengeti or the Languages of Modern Mathematicians of Eastern New Mexico? Do those sound like they have unlimited post-graduation job potential or what? Are those tears of joy your parents are shedding as they remember your decision not to go ahead and get that teaching credential “just in case”?

Did you graduates realize you should have majored in Art and you should have earned a doctorate so your name would be read first, before your family had slipped into a heat stroke induced coma? Is it too late to switch majors once Pomp and Circumstance has begun?

And, what’s the deal with these double major graduates? Did so many of you pick art as one of your majors for the above mentioned pre-coma benefit? How about the people who do two related majors, like Dance and Movement or Art and Animation? Shouldn’t those only count as a major and a half? What about these people who had two totally unrelated majors, like Kinesiology and Engineering or Math and ceramics? Isn’t there a special word to describe those over-achievers? Motivated? Crazy? Dateless?

Have you graduates thought about what you’re going to do next, you know, for the rest of your life? If not, did you know Dr. Seuss wrote some excellent books on the subject? Do you remember having them read to you in kindergarten?

Isn’t it funny how your education ends right back where it started?

Good luck and welcome to the real world! We’ve been expecting you!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What’s the craziest thing you’ve seen a graduate do during graduation?  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it, so shoot me a comment!

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

These giggles first appeared right here on ginavalley.com June 1, 2012.

Folding Chair Follies

Folding Chair Follies

by Gina Valley

It’s that time of year again.

Time to shake and bake while our loved ones stride across the stage.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Folding Chair Follies GraduationYou want to be a graduation audience member? Let’s see if you’ve got the endurance, savvy, and possibly even stupidity necessary to make the grade.

Ahhh – the audience – that group of adoring fans that entertains delusions of homicide as the ceremony plods along. At least a lot of them are darn entertaining, even if it is for all the wrong reasons!

By the end of the ceremony, those of us in the audience who have survived have bonded like hostages being held in the desert. We are hesitant to leave our new found friends, and yet sick of the sight of each other.

A few questions pop into my mind as I consider that ragtag group of sweaty individuals sticking to the chairs behind the graduates.

Is there some reason people understand they need to dress up to attend a graduation ceremony, but apparently think bras are optional? If you are over 25 years or 120 pounds, you know a bra is your friend, don’t you? Do some of you more “gifted” guys realized this applies to your upper ailerons, as well?

You do realize people at graduations are bored and overheated, but not blind, right? Why are you punishing them?

Isn’t it bad enough that, to graduate, Junior has to sit there in an asbestos lined dress, wearing a funny hat for 3 hours? Should he also have to suffer through granny’s bobbing hooters knocking over one of his friends?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Folding Chair Follies GraduationDo you realize that kid could lose an eye? Heck, don’t you think everyone in a 50 foot radius is probably considering scratching theirs out? Why don’t you get it together and rack ‘em up, or lock-n-load, or something?!?! This isn’t the state fair, you know?

If you chose to wear low rise pants, why didn’t you also choose to wear underwear? And, must you sit in front of me and bend over constantly? Can’t you see the wisdom in having some secrets? Do you realize how hard it is to keep a 2 year old from tossing raisins into what looks like a perfectly good target from where she stands?

Instead of programs, why don’t they hand out deodorant to the audience members? They know there won’t be a breeze, so isn’t it worth the effort even if it saves only a few lives?

And, if you’re the only one sitting in an audience of thousands holding a balloon bouquet, doesn’t it occur to you something might be amiss with your celebratory gift choice? Do you realize those balloons are not transparent and the people around you don’t have x-ray vision to see through them? Do you realize the knives being thrown were half attempts to pop the balloons and half attempts to take you out of the gene pool?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Folding Chair Follies GraduationYou do understand it’s standard protocol for me to snip the string of any balloon that smacks my head, right? And, if I’m smacked twice, I have the right to smack you with whatever I brought (FYI – I’m bringing bricks to the next graduation)?

Is there some reason those of you with air-horns, classy and elegant as those are at a University level function, have to point them at my ear prior to firing off that delightful, fun, audio enhancement? Don’t you realize I would keep my hearing and you would get better sound if you raised it over your head?

And, once you’re seated, can you please stay seated? What is the deal with the people who sit in the exact center of the 100 person long row, and then climb out over everyone every ten minutes? If your bladder is that small, shouldn’t you skip drinking, sit on the aisle, and possibly see an urologist?

When the endless ceremony ends, is there a chance we could maintain a little decorum? Must you stampede out over other audience members the second the recessional is finished? Did you think you were being chased by the bulls in Pamplona?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Folding Chair Follies GraduationAnd, much as I hate to mention this because I found it extremely entertaining to watch each and every time it happened, I feel in the interest of public safety I must ask, is everyone now aware we’re sitting on folding chairs at graduations? Didn’t you think about what would happen to you when you stood on a folding chair to take a picture? Are you familiar with the phrase “That’s gonna leave a mark!”?

Did you realize your scream, the ensuing laughter from those around you, and the siren of the approaching EMT’s would drown out the sound of the graduates’ names being read? More importantly, did you not see the 11 other people who tried and epically failed at the same stunt you decided to have a go at, prior to your grand chair adventure? Did you really think you could succeed where they had failed? Did they use the actual Jaws of Life to extract the chair from your body?

Is there some law of physics which requires 2 and 4 year olds, who were hyper and cranky throughout the entire ceremony, to fall asleep as the last name is read? And, what causes their body mass to swell to nearly 5000 lbs as we attempt to carry them on the 2 ½ mile trek to the car? And, which car did we bring?

Did you know if I see another folding chair anytime soon I may have a post audience member traumatic episode?

Can I get some iced tea STAT?

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What is the goofiest thing you’ve seen in a graduation audience?  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.
This post is based on Death by Folding Chair – The Perils Of A Graduation Audience, which first appeared right here on ginavalley.com May 31, 2012.

Just Because You’re At Graduation Doesn’t Mean You’re Smart!!!

Just Because You’re At Graduation Doesn’t Mean You’re Smart!!!

by Gina Valley

I was subjected to unjustifiable torture this weekend.

That’s right, I attended a graduation ceremony.

My nephew, my older sister’s son (she says that I don’t need to point out she’s older. But, I do need to. Because she’s older. Much, much older. And, she always made me be Ken when we played Barbies when I was little.) (Actually, that might have been my other older sister. Hmmm. Oh well.) graduated with his Bachelor’s Degree. I’m not sure what it was a degree in. But, he is very tall, so it might be in Tallness.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Just Because You’re At Graduation Doesn’t Mean You’re Smart!!!I’ve attended, well really suffered through and barely survived, but who wants to start off all negative, more graduation ceremonies than I can remember, much less count. Of course, that could be because of my Post Graduation Ceremony Stress Disorder (PGCSD).

Graduation is a uniquely strange honor ceremony because none of the honorees wants to be there. They have to be there. Their mothers make them go. But, compelled attendance by maternal units is not the only uniquely strange part of this tradition.

I don’t want to appear bossy or judgmental. I am, but I don’t want to appear to be. But, I’ve got some questions:

Let’s start with the people on the stage, or, as I was told they are called by a very official looking guy with a rake at my son’s 6th grade graduation ceremony, “The Platform Party.” They seem to be in charge of all the talking. And there is a lot  of talking!

Since most of you, all of you in fact except the one student up there, are not graduating, why did most of you in The Platform Party wear a robe? Are you being forced to wear that as punishment or a hazing of some type? And, what’s with all the weird hats? Did you think this was Hogwarts?

Those of you in suits looked nice, but did you consider that graduations always take place on the hottest day of the year and that you would appear to be a melted snowman by the end of the ceremony?

The one dude who was up there in holey jeans and a raunchy looking sport jacket – Dude – seriously? Were you just trying to look like a heroin addict? Did you cut those holes in the jeans specifically so we’d know what color your underwear was? (BTW, thanks for wearing some – not everyone attending did!)

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Just Because You’re At Graduation Doesn’t Mean You’re Smart!!!Do we really need an announcement before the ceremony reminding us to put trash into the trash
cans? Really? Gee, is that what trash cans are for? Isn’t that level of knowledge usually reserved for doctoral candidates? Is anyone else as thankful as I am for this helpful reminder?

How about the announcement to stay until the end of the ceremony, rather than just getting up to leave after your family member’s name is read? Is this really a problem? Is anyone that dumb? And, if they are, will this announcement actually have any effect on their behavior?

Is there some sort of epidemic of ceremony jumpers, who leave after the person they are interested in has done their part in ceremonies, sweeping our nation? Are friends of the bride jamming out of churches without waiting to hear from the groom, so they can get a jump on the reception? Are all the art majors’ families seated at the Olive Garden before the psychology kids get to trip over the microphone cords running across the stage? Shouldn’t being stupid and rude make it illegal for you to breed?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Just Because You’re At Graduation Doesn’t Mean You’re Smart!!!What’s with the token politician in the platform party? Do you realize I’m not going to vote for you because you’re up there? You didn’t happen to pay off our student loans or get us a good parking space, did you? Are you aware I can hardly remember my kid’s name because I am nearly having a heat stroke? Do you really think I’m going to remember you were here?

Do you want the votes of me and every other non-felon member of the audience to be cast in your favor? Then, why don’t you stand up and tell them to quit the yammering and to read off the graduates names so we can all go inside?!?! Do you realize I have a two year old with me and she bites when she’s irritated? Can’t you help me out?

Is there some reason the introduction read about honorary degree recipients has to be twice as long as their acceptance speech? And, what exactly is twice of infinity? Are the recipients of honorary degrees attempting to speak for as much time as it would have taken them to actually earn the degree?

And, what’s the deal with these honorary degrees anyway? Don’t you think giving that to someone during the graduation ceremony is kind of a pie in the face to all the graduates there who actually had to study and attend classes for years to get their degrees, not to mention pay for them?

If you’re going to be speaking in any capacity, anything from introducing someone to giving the long (too long actually) commencement address, don’t you think it might be a good idea if you read and maybe checked the pronunciation of the big words in your part? Aren’t you embarrassed when you have a doctorate in English and you pronounce “entrepreneur” wrong three times in under three minutes? It’s not pronounced like “trompe l’oeil,” you know?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Just Because You’re At Graduation Doesn’t Mean You’re Smart!!!And, if you are standing next to someone who has pronounced “entrepreneur” wrong big time, like unrecognizably wrong, twice already, couldn’t you whisper the correct pronunciation into the poor woman’s ear, so she can regain a teensy shred of dignity or at least get the audience to stop giggling?

Shouldn’t you, as the speaker, also be fairly familiar with and readily able to pronounce common or small words like “aids” or “location” correctly?

What’s with the commencement address? Doesn’t commence mean to begin? When is it going to end? Is it going to end? Is it just me, or does it feel like it is never going to end? And, what’s the point of this speech anyway? If the graduates haven’t learned something up until this point, isn’t it too late?

If you must name drop every “famous” person you have ever bumped into, couldn’t you just list them off quickly and sit down, rather than peppering a 45 minute diatribe about the unfairness of life (very uplifting, by the way, thank you!) with them? Can’t you, as speaker, remember the most basic rule of speaking at a graduation? (It’s shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!!!)

I’ll got some questions for The Audience members in my next post.  I’ll hit The Graduates up after that.

I’ll see you there!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What’s your favorite graduation horror, I mean, endearing story? I’m looking forward to hearing all about it, so please drop me a comment! And, thanks for reading!

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

This column is based on Just ‘Cause You’re At Graduation Doesn’t Mean You’re Smart, which originally appeared here on ginavalley.com May 30, 2012

Does This Sunscreen Raise Cholesterol?!?!

Does This Sunscreen Raise Cholesterol?!?! …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

Laugh along with this timely Gina’s Favorites post.

Will This Sunscreen Raise My Cholesterol?

We’ve had 4 graduations this week in our family, and I’m just about graduation’d-out.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned through all of the Pomp and Circumstances and endless motivational speeches, it’s that I don’t know how to put sunscreen on properly.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Does This Sunscreen Raise Cholesterol?!?! ...Gina's Favorites Sunscreen Graduation

Remember those pink tablets we’d chew after we brushed our teeth when we were kids to see where we missed brushing? You know the ones. This hideous pink color would stick to your teeth where ever you hadn’t properly attacked the plaque. Well, I have bizarre pink splotches all over me. I look like someone did a poor job of brushing me. Very poor!

I wear sunscreen every day. I’m not particularly interested in getting skin cancer, so I do what I can to try to prevent it. No matter what I have planned, even if I’m not planning to go anywhere, immediately after my shower, I put sunscreen on my face, neck, arms and hands. Every day. For the last couple decades.

You’d think I’d be good at it by now.

You’d be wrong.

Even when I apply extra sunscreen in anticipation of a particular UV-heavy day, like visiting the surface of the sun or attending a spring graduation ceremony (same thing, really) I still never get it right.

After a day in the sun, somehow, I always end up with a bright red stripe of sunburn right across the top of my forehead. I don’t know why.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Does This Sunscreen Raise Cholesterol?!?! ...Gina's Favorites Sunscreen GraduationMaybe I don’t realize how tall I am. Or, maybe the sunscreen makes my forehead grow while I’m applying it. I don’t even know what’s in that stuff. Is it some sort of forehead fertilizer? Is it just mayonnaise? Has anyone ever even checked?

Maybe I need a GPS to direct me while I’m applying it. “At your earliest convenience, turn around. You missed half of your forehead, you moron,” it would tell me in its sort-of-British, totally-condescending accent.

At least this time I seem to have overcome my inability to find my own nose. Usually after a day at graduation or any other all day activity early in the “time for sun” season, I can outshine Rudolph with his nose so bright. I can guide sleighs, reindeer, or 18 wheelers through the densest fog, which, incidentally, must have come over my brain when I was trying to cover my nose with sunscreen.

How hard is this to get right? I mean really?

It’s not rocket science. Heck, I’ve done that, and I never had trouble locating my nose while I did (well, maybe once, but we’d been playing Tetris for nearly 5 hours straight and it was kind of hard to focus my eyes or to blink at that point).

I think God gave me brown children because he knew I’d be sunscreen-impaired. Even when I remember to put it on my pack, and can catch them and pin them to do so, I always miss spots. And, by “spots” I mean a whole limb or face or something.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Does This Sunscreen Raise Cholesterol?!?! ...Gina's Favorites Sunscreen GraduationMy pack is no help, either. I’ll ask, “Did I put any on this arm yet?” and the answer is always, “I don’t know.”  To which I mentally say, “It is attached to you, isn’t it? Shouldn’t you know if someone just rubbed what could very well be coagulated salad dressing all over it?”

But, I don’t say that out loud, because if I did, my precious progeny would answer, “Well, shouldn’t you know what you rubbed on someone and where you rubbed it?”

Fortunately, my pack members don’t burn, so my only partially marinating them doesn’t seem to create much of a problem.

Besides, I’m pretty sure sunscreen causes high cholesterol anyway.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Are you a skilled sunscreen apply-er?  How do you make sure you don’t miss a spot?  How do you catch your kids to slather them up?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Thank you for reading and sharing my work on your with your friends and family.  I appreciate your support!

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Don’t Make Me Back Up This Car!!!

Don’t Make Me Back Up This Car!!! …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

Laugh along with this timely Gina’s Favorites post.

Don’t Make Me Back This Car Up!!!

My soon-to-be high school graduate brought home his robe today.  Apparently, the robe company stores these things by wadding them up into a little ball and parking an SUV on top of them.

Even the wrinkles have wrinkles.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Don't Make Me Back Up This Car!!! ...Gina's Favorites Graduationu89yI told him to hang it up, and, hopefully, I will be able to get most of the wrinkles out of it before tomorrow night’s ceremony. He said that I didn’t need to worry about because “it’s just high school graduation, and it’s not that big of a deal.” This from the kid that would not wear a t-shirt to school any day during his four high school years if it hadn’t been properly attacked by a lint roller.

I asked how he had done with securing enough tickets for our family. He said that he was still 2 short, but that he had three people in mind to hit up tomorrow who said that they had extra tickets he could have.  He doesn’t understand why it is important to me that all of his brothers and sisters be there to see him graduate.

He says that his sisters and brothers would probably have a better time sitting in the van playing video games while his dad and I attend his graduation ceremony. That’s ridiculous.

Of course, they would have a better time sitting in the van playing video games. A much better time. Anyone would. Heck, they’d probably have a better time sitting in the van even without video games. But, we’re not there to have a good time. We’re there to mark this rite of passage with him.

He told me that someone had offered him $40 for 2 of his tickets. I got very serious, as I know where this profit minded teen’s mind wanders, and said, “Don’t you dare sell any of those tickets. We don’t even have enough yet.  And, if we did, you still shouldn’t sell them. That’s just wrong.”

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Don't Make Me Back Up This Car!!! ...Gina's Favorites Graduation“But, mom,” he countered, “it’s only high school graduation. It’s not that big a deal.  I could get a lot of money for those tickets.”

“Look,” I explained to him, “we’re looking forward to being crammed together like sweaty sardines with a bunch of pungent strangers, listening to endless, pointless speeches, sweating to the point of dehydration, and listening through more than 500 names being read in hopes of getting to hear yours called. If you sell those tickets and deny us that privilege, do you know what I will do?”

“Yes, mom, I do,” he answered. I could feel his eyes doing a hidden internal roll, even though it was not visible outside of his head. “You will run over me with the van. Then, you will back up and do it again.”

“That’s right!” I said. “And, do you know why I would do that?”

He couldn’t keep himself from smiling, as he answered, “Because you love me.”

Yep. He’s ready to graduate.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Are any of your dear ones graduating from something this year? What do you remember about your past graduations? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car!!! …Gina’s Favorites

Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car!!! …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

Laugh along with this timely Gina’s Favorites post.

Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car!!!

Welcome to Graduation!

Please leave your forks in your car.

Because, let’s face it, you will want to stab someone, and all that just ruins the post-graduation family photos, not to mention what it does to your chance of getting to The Cheesecake Factory before the wait for a table starts pushing 3 hours.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car!!! ...Gina's Favorites GraduationYou will need a chair. Fortunately, chairs have been provided for you.

Unfortunately, the chairs are 6 inch wide, folding chairs, made out of cheap plastic. Their plastic becomes pliable during the requisite 1000 degree graduation day heat, and thus the chairs are prone to give-way and collapse with no warning.

Not only does the heat increase the chairs’ “likeliness-to-suffer-structural-failure” quotient, it also makes the chairs cranky, resulting in a high incidence of chair-on-sitter violence, manifested as frequent incidents of spontaneous chair foldings.

This ensures that occupants of those chairs which do not suffer a sudden collapse due to structural failure within the flimsy plastic architecture will still possibly have the joy of experiencing a spontaneous self-folding of their chair the exact moment they sneeze, reach for a camera, or have a butterfly land on their leg.

It’s really a race to see which happens first: self-folding or total catastrophic collapse. If you look around the audience carefully you’ll notice people placing bets on the outcome of that race, particularly if the chair occupant is one whom is gifted with larger than average gravitational attraction.

There will be a sea of these low-quality, miniature, self-folding, likely-to-collapse chairs from which to choose. You will spy this vast bastion of seatishness as you approach the designated graduation area, after having completed your mandatory 4 mile hike in from the “Convenient Graduation Day Parking.”

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car!!! ...Gina's Favorites GraduationPlease note that the touted “Be Sure To Carpool and Catch Our Shuttle To The Actual Graduation Site” shuttle is either an urban legend or invisible. No one has ever been able to find, much less catch a ride from, this mysterious, elusive machine. Plan ahead and wear your hiking boots.

As your gaze sweeps across the expanse of chairs provided for you and the other culmination hostages, also known as “audience members,” it will likely fall upon areas of what appear to be unclaimed seating bounty, some in the most prime seating locations. Do not fall victim to this clever deception. As you attempt to occupy these plastic oases, you’ll find they are already claimed, and seriously guarded, by everything from a strewn sweater to a package of gum to a rabid grandmother.

Perhaps, you’ll wonder how these people managed to secure such excellent seats, seats from which the stage and its occupants are visible. The answer is fairly simple. These people arrived before graduation last year, and simply refused to give up their seats.

Those who were too short-sighted to be on-site 12 months in advance generally secured their seats by gaining employment with the chair rental company, and scheduling themselves to be delivered, already seated in and firmly attached to their chair.

But, don’t worry. There will be plenty of available chairs. Try looking behind any nearby trees, behind the idiot who brought a bouquet of balloons, and behind the basketball team. The seats surrounding the guy with an air-horn, the deodorant deficient dude, and the life insurance salesman are also generally available.

Vendors will be conveniently available around the audience area. Remember, they only take cash. Feel free to bring that $100 bill the grocery store refuses to break for you, because nothing is priced less than $100 anyway.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car!!! ...Gina's Favorites GraduationUnfortunately, the vendors sell useless items, such as teddy bears, flowers, and t-shirts. They will not have the basic graduation ceremony survival items you truly need, such as an extra-large can of Red Bull to help you remain conscious while the keynote speaker waxes on for 3 ½ hours about his vital contributions to the world changing field of blueberry color stabilization.

Or, a gallon jug of Febreze to spray the deodorant deficient dude.

Or, a set of blow darts to take out that giant balloon bouquet the moron four rows in front of you brought, that’s blocking the view of stage for everyone in your section.

Bathrooms are conveniently located 2 miles away, in the direction exactly opposite to where you parked your car. Don’t worry, though. Thanks to your long hike and the heat, you’ll probably be suffering from dehydration and won’t have need of facilities for at least a couple days after the graduation is complete.

When you hear the distant sound of speaker feedback and clarinet music, you will know that the graduation has begun. You’ll see a wave of people filing down the center aisle of the graduation seating area. Several of them will be melting in their asbestos robes and funny hats, and will be dragged down the aisle by other graduates.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car!!! ...Gina's Favorites GraduationThe matching goofy graduate garb and giant guy sitting next to you will work together to make it highly unlikely you’ll spot your graduate during this processional. Nonetheless, social mores require you to stand, bobbing and weaving, in a futile attempt to get a clear view of the processional-ists to prove your devotion to your graduate.

But, don’t worry about not spying your graduate on his or her way in. You will, assuming the keynote speaker ever finishes speaking, get to see your graduate march across the stage after his or her name is read. Please note that in this context “read” means “completely mangled and mispronounced to such an extent that even your graduate is not sure who the name card reader is talking about.

Naturally, your efforts to capture forever that look of confusion on your graduate’s face will be hampered by a full memory card, a depleted battery, or both. Fortunately, a professional photographer will be stationed at the exit point of the stage to snap a charming candid photo of your graduate sweating and clutching his or her fake diploma. For only $87.63 you can purchase 2 wallet-sized prints of that photo.

The ceremony should take less than 3 days. Hopefully, you packed a canteen and a snack.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car!!! ...Gina's Favorites GraduationYou will know the ceremony has ended when the army clad in asbestos begins to march out of the designated graduation area, and people around you begin yelling into their cell phones, “I don’t see you. Do you see me? I’m waving. Do you see me? I don’t see you…”

This is the point in the day when you’ll wish you had set up a predetermined meeting point with your graduate. Some families spend more time trying to find their graduate after the ceremony than it actually took their graduate to complete his or her course of study.

This delay in departure is a critical issue, because for every extra minute that passes before you get to The Cheesecake Factory, the wait for a table increases by another hour.

Of course, if you’re really thinking, you’ll decide to remain in the designated graduation area.

After all, that’s really the only way to get a good seat for next year’s ceremony.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Did you attend any graduation ceremonies this year? Did your chair try to eat you? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing what you have to say.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car!!!

Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car!!!

by Gina Valley

Welcome to Graduation!

Please leave your forks in your car.

Because, let’s face it, you will want to stab someone, and all that just ruins the post-graduation family photos, not to mention what it does to your chance of getting to The Cheesecake Factory before the wait for a table starts pushing 3 hours.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car Graduation PatienceYou will need a chair. Fortunately, chairs have been provided for you.

Unfortunately, the chairs are 6 inch wide, folding chairs, made out of cheap plastic. Their plastic becomes pliable during the requisite 1000 degree graduation day heat, and thus the chairs are prone to give-way and collapse with no warning.

Not only does the heat increase the chairs’ “likeliness-to-suffer-structural-failure” quotient, it also makes the chairs cranky, resulting in a high incidence of chair-on-sitter violence, manifested as frequent incidents of spontaneous chair foldings.

This ensures that occupants of those chairs which do not suffer a sudden collapse due to structural failure within the flimsy plastic architecture will still possibly have the joy of experiencing a spontaneous self-folding of their chair the exact moment they sneeze, reach for a camera, or have a butterfly land on their leg.

It’s really a race to see which happens first: self-folding or total catastrophic collapse. If you look around the audience carefully you’ll notice people placing bets on the outcome of that race, particularly if the chair occupant is one whom is gifted with larger than average gravitational attraction.

There will be a sea of these low-quality, miniature, self-folding, likely-to-collapse chairs from which to choose. You will spy this vast bastion of seatishness as you approach the designated graduation area, after having completed your mandatory 4 mile hike in from the “Convenient Graduation Day Parking.”

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car Graduation Patience

Please note that the touted “Be Sure To Carpool and Catch Our Shuttle To The Actual Graduation Site” shuttle is either an urban legend or invisible. No one has ever been able to find, much less catch a ride from, this mysterious, elusive machine. Plan ahead and wear your hiking boots.

As your gaze sweeps across the expanse of chairs provided for you and the other culmination hostages, also known as “audience members,” it will likely fall upon areas of what appear to be unclaimed seating bounty, some in the most prime seating locations. Do not fall victim to this clever deception. As you attempt to occupy these plastic oases, you’ll find they are already claimed, and seriously guarded, by everything from a strewn sweater to a package of gum to a rabid grandmother.

Perhaps, you’ll wonder how these people managed to secure such excellent seats, seats from which the stage and its occupants are visible. The answer is fairly simple. These people arrived before graduation last year, and simply refused to give up their seats.

Those who were too short-sighted to be on-site 12 months in advance generally secured their seats by gaining employment with the chair rental company, and scheduling themselves to be delivered, already seated in and firmly attached to their chair.

But, don’t worry. There will be plenty of available chairs. Try looking behind any nearby trees, behind the idiot who brought a bouquet of balloons, and behind the basketball team. The seats surrounding the guy with an air-horn, the deodorant deficient dude, and the life insurance salesman are also generally available.

Vendors will be conveniently available around the audience area. Remember, they only take cash. Feel free to bring that $100 bill the grocery store refuses to break for you, because nothing is priced less than $100 anyway.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car Graduation Patience

Unfortunately, the vendors sell useless items, such as teddy bears, flowers, and t-shirts. They will not have the basic graduation ceremony survival items you truly need, such as an extra-large can of Red Bull to help you remain conscious while the keynote speaker waxes on for 3 ½ hours about his vital contributions to the world changing field of blueberry color stabilization.

Or, a gallon jug of Febreze to spray the deodorant deficient dude.

Or, a set of blow darts to take out that giant balloon bouquet the moron four rows in front of you brought, that’s blocking the view of stage for everyone in your section.

Bathrooms are conveniently located 2 miles away, in the direction exactly opposite to where you parked your car. Don’t worry, though. Thanks to your long hike and the heat, you’ll probably be suffering from dehydration and won’t have need of facilities for at least a couple days after the graduation is complete.

When you hear the distant sound of speaker feedback and clarinet music, you will know that the graduation has begun. You’ll see a wave of people filing down the center aisle of the graduation seating area. Several of them will be melting in their asbestos robes and funny hats, and will be dragged down the aisle by other graduates.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car Graduation Patience

The matching goofy graduate garb and giant guy sitting next to you will work together to make it highly unlikely you’ll spot your graduate during this processional. Nonetheless, social mores require you to stand, bobbing and weaving, in a futile attempt to get a clear view of the processional-ists to prove your devotion to your graduate.

But, don’t worry about not spying your graduate on his or her way in. You will, assuming the keynote speaker ever finishes speaking, get to see your graduate march across the stage after his or her name is read. Please note that in this context “read” means “completely mangled and mispronounced to such an extent that even your graduate is not sure who the name card reader is talking about.

Naturally, your efforts to capture forever that look of confusion on your graduate’s face will be hampered by a full memory card, a depleted battery, or both. Fortunately, a professional photographer will be stationed at the exit point of the stage to snap a charming candid photo of your graduate sweating and clutching his or her fake diploma. For only $87.63 you can purchase 2 wallet-sized prints of that photo.

The ceremony should take less than 3 days. Hopefully, you packed a canteen and a snack.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car Graduation Patience

You will know the ceremony has ended when the army clad in asbestos begins to march out of the designated graduation area, and people around you begin yelling into their cell phones, “I don’t see you. Do you see me? I’m waving. Do you see me? I don’t see you…”

This is the point in the day when you’ll wish you had set up a predetermined meeting point with your graduate. Some families spend more time trying to find their graduate after the ceremony than it actually took their graduate to complete his or her course of study.

This delay in departure is a critical issue, because for every extra minute that passes before you get to The Cheesecake Factory, the wait for a table increases by another hour.

Of course, if you’re really thinking, you’ll decide to remain in the designated graduation area.

After all, that’s really the only way to get a good seat for next year’s ceremony.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Did you attend any graduation ceremonies this year? Did your chair try to eat you? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing what you have to say.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Just ‘Cause You’re At Graduation…Vintage Gina

Just ‘Cause You’re At Graduation…Vintage Gina

by Gina Valley

I’m taking my children on vacation this week.  Most of the time our life is too busy, and moves far too quickly.  I’m sure yours is the same.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Just ‘Cause You’re At Graduation…Vintage Gina Platform Party As Faris Bueller said, “Life moves pretty fast.  If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

This week and next, I’m stopping and looking around.  I don’t want to miss anything, especially hanging out with my children.

So, I’ve gone through my past posts and queued up reader favorites to keep you in giggles while I’m hanging with my pack.

I hope you enjoy this Vintage Gina.

And, I hope you stop and look around, too.  I don’t want you to miss a thing either!

Thank you for reading and sharing.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Today’s Vintage Gina is my Just ‘Cause You’re At Graduation Doesn’t Mean You’re Smart post. You can read my Just ‘Cause You’re At Graduation Doesn’t Mean You’re Smart  post below in its entirety, or, for you hardcore readers, click on one of these magic links to read my Just ‘Cause You’re At Graduation Doesn’t Mean You’re Smart post in its original location.

Either way, I’ll meet you at Just ‘Cause You’re At Graduation Doesn’t Mean You’re Smart.  You bring the iced tea and I’ll bring the giggles.

Just ‘Cause You’re At Graduation Doesn’t Mean You’re Smart

I’ve attended, well really suffered through and barely survived, but who wants to start off all negative, several graduation ceremonies during this year’s season of graduations.   As a result, I have a few thoughts on the subject of graduation ceremonies.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Just ‘Cause You’re At Graduation…Vintage Gina Platform Party Graduation is a uniquely strange honor ceremony because none of the honorees wants to be there.  They have to be there.  Their mothers make them go.  But, compelled attendance by maternal units is not the only uniquely strange part of this tradition.

I don’t want to appear bossy or judgmental.  I am, but I don’t want to appear to be.  So, I’ll just ask some questions:

Let’s start with the people on the stage, or, as I have been told they are called by a very official looking guy with a rake at my son’s graduation ceremony, “The Platform Party.”  They seem to be in charge of all the talking.  And there is A LOT of talking!

Since most of you, all of you in fact except the one student up there, are not graduating, why did most of you in The Platform Party wear a robe?  Are you being forced to wear that as punishment or a hazing of some type?  And, what’s with all the weird hats?  Did you think this was Hogwarts?

Those of you in suits looked nice, but did you consider that graduations always take place on the hottest day of the year and that you would appear to be a melted snowman by the end of the ceremony?

The one dude who was up there in holey jeans and a raunchy looking sport jacket – Dude – seriously?  Were you just trying to look like a heroin addict?  Did you cut those holes in the jeans specifically so we’d know what color your underwear was? (BTW, thanks for wearing some – not everyone attending did!)

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Just ‘Cause You’re At Graduation…Vintage Gina Platform Party Do we really need an announcement before the ceremony that reminds us to put trash into the trash cans? Really? Gee, is that what the trash can is for?  Isn’t that level of knowledge usually reserved for doctoral candidates?  Is anyone else as thankful as I am for this helpful reminder?

How about the announcement to stay until the end of the ceremony, rather than just getting up to leave after your family member’s name is read?  Is this really a problem?  Is anyone that dumb? And, if they are, will this announcement actually have any effect on their behavior?

Is there some sort of epidemic of ceremony jumpers sweeping our nation who leave after the person they are interested in has done their part in ceremonies? Are friends of the bride jamming out of churches without waiting to hear from the groom, so they can get a jump on the reception?   Are all the Art majors’ families seated at the Olive Garden before the psychology kids get to trip over the microphone cords running across the stage?  Shouldn’t being stupid AND rude make it illegal for you to breed?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Just ‘Cause You’re At Graduation…Vintage Gina Platform Party What’s with the token politician in the platform party?  Do you realize I’m not going to vote for you because you’re up there?  You didn’t happen to pay off our student loans or get us a good parking space, did you?  Are you aware I can hardly remember my kid’s name because I am nearly having a heat stroke?  Do you really think I’m going to remember you were here?

Do you want the votes of me and every other non-felon member of the audience to be cast in your favor?  Then, why don’t you stand up and tell them to quit the yammering and read off the graduates names so we can all go inside?!?!  Do you realize I have a two year old with me and she bites when she’s irritated?  Can’t you help me out?

Is there some reason the introduction read about honorary degree recipients has to be TWICE as long as their acceptance speech?  And, what exactly is twice of infinity?  Are the recipients of honorary degrees attempting to speak for as much time as it would have taken them to actually earn the degree?

And, what’s the deal with these honorary degrees anyway? Don’t you think giving that to someone during the graduation ceremony is kind of a pie in the face to all the graduates there who actually had to study and attend classes for years to get their degrees, not to mention pay for them?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Just ‘Cause You’re At Graduation…Vintage Gina Platform Party If you’re going to be speaking in any capacity, anything from introducing someone to giving the long (too long actually) commencement address, don’t you think it might be a good idea if you read and maybe checked the pronunciation of the big words in your part?  Aren’t you embarrassed when you have a doctorate in English and you pronounce “entrepreneur” wrong THREE times in under 3 minutes?   It’s not pronounced like “trompe l’oeil,” you know?

And, if you are standing next to someone who has pronounced “entrepreneur” wrong BIG TIME, like unrecognizably wrong twice already, couldn’t you whisper the correct pronunciation into the poor woman’s ear so she can regain a teensy shred of dignity or at least get the audience to stop giggling?

Shouldn’t you, as the speaker, also be fairly familiar with and readily able to pronounce common or small words like “aids” or “location” correctly?

What’s with the commencement address?  Doesn’t commence mean to begin?  When is it going to end?  Is it going to end? Is it just me, or does it feel like it is never going to end?  And, what’s the point of this speech anyway?  If the graduates haven’t learned something up until this point, isn’t it too late?

If you must name drop every “famous” person you have ever bumped into couldn’t you just list them off quickly and sit down rather than peppering a 45 minute diatribe about the unfairness of life (very uplifting, by the way, thank you!)  with them? Can’t you as speaker remember the most basic rule of speaking at a graduation? (It’s shut up, shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!!)

I’ve got some questions for The Audience members in my next post.  I’ll hit The Graduates up after that.

I’ll see you there!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What’s your favorite graduation horror, I mean, endearing story? How are you making time to be with you loved ones this summer?  Shoot me comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Don’t Make Me Back This Car Up!!!

Don’t Make Me Back This Car Up!!!

by Gina Valley

My soon-to-be high school graduate brought home his robe today.  Apparently, the robe company stores these things by wadding them up into a little ball and parking an SUV on top of them.

Even the wrinkles have wrinkles.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Don't Make Me Back This Car Up Graduation Tickets TeenagersI told him to hang it up, and, hopefully, I will be able to get most of the wrinkles out of it before tomorrow night’s ceremony. He said that I didn’t need to worry about because “it’s just high school graduation, and it’s not that big of a deal.” This from the kid that would not wear a t-shirt to school any day during his four high school years if it hadn’t been properly attacked by a lint roller.

I asked how he had done with securing enough tickets for our family. He said that he was still 2 short, but that he had three people in mind to hit up tomorrow who said that they had extra tickets he could have.  He doesn’t understand why it is important to me that all of his brothers and sisters be there to see him graduate.

He says that his sisters and brothers would probably have a better time sitting in the van playing video games while his dad and I attend his graduation ceremony. That’s ridiculous.

Of course, they would have a better time sitting in the van playing video games. A much better time. Anyone would. Heck, they’d probably have a better time sitting in the van even without video games. But, we’re not there to have a good time. We’re there to mark this rite of passage with him.

He told me that someone had offered him $40 for 2 of his tickets. I got very serious, as I know where this profit minded teen’s mind wanders, and said, “Don’t you dare sell any of those tickets. We don’t even have enough yet.  And, if we did, you still shouldn’t sell them. That’s just wrong.”

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Don't Make Me Back This Car Up Graduation Tickets Teenagers“But, mom,” he countered, “it’s only high school graduation. It’s not that big a deal.  I could get a lot of money for those tickets.”

“Look,” I explained to him, “we’re looking forward to being crammed together like sweaty sardines with a bunch of pungent strangers, listening to endless, pointless speeches, sweating to the point of dehydration, and listening through more than 500 names being read in hopes of getting to hear yours called. If you sell those tickets and deny us that privilege, do you know what I will do?”

“Yes, mom, I do,” he answered. I could feel his eyes doing a hidden internal roll, even though it was not visible outside of his head. “You will run over me with the van. Then, you will back up and do it again.”

“That’s right!” I said. “And, do you know why I would do that?”

He couldn’t keep himself from smiling, as he answered, “Because you love me.”

Yep. He’s ready to graduate.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Are any of your dear ones graduating from something this year? What do you remember about your past graduations? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Click on my posts below for more graduation giggles:

Death By Folding Chair –The Perils Of A Graduation Audience

Just ‘Cause You’re At Graduation Doesn’t Mean You’re Smart

The Graduate – Not Just A Sweaty Guy In A Dress & Funny Hat

As always, the extra click counts as cardio.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Don’t Do THIS In A Folding Chair!!!

Don’t Do THIS In A Folding Chair!!!

It’s been a tough week.  Lots of traveling and lots of travelers to deal with.  I’m ready for it to end, so I can move on to my next over stuffed, but mainly at home, week.   All of this rushing reminds me a lot of the craziness of finals week in school, so I figured I’d run with that school theme today.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Travel Folding Chair Graduation Audience Today’s RetroGina Post  is my Death By Folding Chair – The Perils Of A Graduation Audience post.   This post is another reader favorite.  It’s in the top 5 most read posts each month, and is my 3rd most read post overall on the blog.

You can read my Death By Folding Chair – The Perils Of A Graduation Audience  post in its entirety below, or for you hardcore readers, you can click one of the handy dandy links to zoom on over to the original post.   It’s a life decision you’ll have to make for yourself.

Either way, you bring the chocolate, and I’ll bring the laughs.

Cue the Pomp and Circumstance music here.

Death By Folding Chair – The Perils Of A Graduation Audience

So, you want to be a graduation audience member?  Let’s see if you’ve got the endurance, savvy, and possibly even stupidity necessary to make the grade.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Travel Folding Chair Graduation AudienceAhhh – the audience – that group of adoring fans that entertains delusions of homicide as the ceremony plods along.  At least a lot of them are darn entertaining, even if it is for all the wrong reasons!

By the end of the ceremony those of us in the audience who have survived have bonded like hostages being held in the desert.  We are hesitant to leave our new found friends, and yet sick of the sight of each other.

A few questions pop into my mind as I consider that ragtag group of sweaty individuals sticking to the chairs behind the graduates.

Is there some reason that people understand they need to dress up to attend a graduation ceremony, but apparently think bras are optional?  If you are over 25 years or 120 pounds, you know that a bra is your friend, don’t you?  Do some of you more “gifted” guys realized this applies to your upper ailerons, as well?

You do realize people at graduations are bored and overheated, but not blind, right?  Why are you punishing them?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Travel Folding Chair Graduation AudienceIsn’t it bad enough that to graduate Junior has to sit there in an asbestos lined dress wearing a funny hat for 3 hours? Should he have to also suffer through having granny’s bobbing hooters knock over one of his friends?  Do you realize that kid could lose an eye?  Heck, don’t you think that everyone in a 50 foot radius is probably considering scratching theirs out?  Why don’t you get it together and rack ‘em up, or lock-n-load, or something?!?!  This isn’t the state fair, you know?

If you chose to wear low rise pants why didn’t you also choose to wear underwear? And, must you sit in front of me and bend over constantly?  Can’t you see the wisdom in having some secrets? Do you realize how hard it is to keep a 2 year old from tossing raisins into what looks like a perfectly good target from where she stands?

Instead of programs, why don’t they hand out deodorant to the audience members?  They know there won’t be a breeze, so isn’t it worth the effort even if it saves only a few lives?

And, if you’re the only one sitting in an audience of thousands holding a balloon bouquet, doesn’t it occur to you that something might be amiss with your celebratory gift choice?  Do you realize those balloons are not transparent and the people around you don’t have x-ray vision to see through them? Do you realize the knives being thrown were half attempts to pop the balloons and half attempts to take you out of the gene pool?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Travel Folding Chair Graduation Audience

You do understand that it’s standard protocol for me to snip the string of any balloon that smacks my head, right?  And, that if I’m smacked twice, I have the right to smack you with whatever I brought (FYI – I’m bringing bricks to the next graduation)?

Is there some reason those of you with air-horns, classy and elegant as those are at a University level function, have to point them at my ear prior to firing off that delightful, fun, audio enhancement?  Don’t you realize that I would keep my hearing and you would get better sound if you would raise it over your head?

And, once you’re seated, can you please stay seated?  What is the deal with the people that sit in the exact center of the 100 person long row and then climb out over everyone every ten minutes?  If your bladder is that small, shouldn’t you skip drinking, sit on the aisle, and possibly see an urologist?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Travel Folding Chair Graduation AudienceWhen the endless ceremony ends, is there a chance we could maintain a little decorum?  Must you stampede out over other audience members the second the recessional is finished?  Did you think you were being chased by the bulls in Pamplona?

And, much as I hate to mention this because I found it extremely entertaining to watch each and every time it happened, I feel in the interest of public safety I must ask, “Is everyone now aware that we are sitting on folding chairs at graduations?”  Did you not think about what would happen to you when you stood on a folding chair to take a picture?  Are you familiar with the term “That’s gonna leave a mark!”?

Did you realize that your scream, the ensuing laughter from those around you, and the siren of the approaching EMT’s would drown out that sound of the graduates’ names being read? More importantly, did you not see the 11 other people who tried and epically failed at the same stunt you decided to have a go at prior to your grand chair adventure?  Did you really think you could succeed where they had failed?  Did they use the actual Jaws of Life to extract the chair from your body?

Is there some law of physics that requires that 2 and 4 year olds, who were hyper and cranky throughout the entire ceremony, must fall asleep as the last name is read?  And, what causes their body mass to swell to nearly 5000 lbs as we attempt to carry them on the 2 ½ mile trek to the car?  And, which car did we bring?

If I see another folding chair anytime soon I may have a post audience member traumatic episode.  Quick, someone get me some iced tea!

I’ve got some questions for The Graduates in my next post.  I look forward to seeing you there!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

My previous post was directed at The Platform Party at graduations.  Be sure to check it out.  I want your knowledge base and sarcastic attitude to be complete!

What is the dumbest thing you have seen in an audience?  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it, so please drop me a comment!