Tag: football

Signs You Might Be Hosting A Super Bowl Party

Signs You Might Be Hosting A Super Bowl Party

by Gina Valley

Are you wondering what sort of mayhem has beseeched your home?  Perhaps you’re hosting a Super Bowl party.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Hosting Super Bowl Football Party ConfusionBut, how can you know for sure?  Here’s some symptoms to check for:

You might be hosting a Super Bowl party if on Saturday your son sits down on your sofa, and the thing breaks. Collapses.  No warning – just kerplunk (I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a sofa breaking before. I’m not sure I would’ve believed it now if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes).

You might be hosting a Super Bowl party if your garbage disposer and your oven are making the same groany, angry, near-death noise.

You might be hosting a Super Bowl party if your “sports crazy, always-watches-the-game-with-you, his favorite team is playing” teen, decides that he should stay out all night Saturday night for a marathon video game session with friends, insuring he’ll be exhausted and grumpy during the game.  And, he forgets to ask permission to go.  And, he forgets to mention he is leaving.  And, he forgets to mention he’s borrowing your car (insuring that you’ll be exhausted and grumpy during the game, too).

You might be hosting a Super Bowl party if, for the first time in the history of the world, CostCo is out of sour cream.  This might also be a sign that the world is coming to an end, so I recommend that you pick up some extra cases of water bottles while you’re there.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Hosting Super Bowl Football Party ConfusionYou might be hosting a Super Bowl party if your hair refuses to stop doing the wave.

You might be hosting a Super Bowl party if your 15 year old daughter announces she has just become a strict vegan.  If you missed the announcement, don’t worry, she’ll re-announce it to every person who enters your home or eats something for the next 3 months. Your 11 year old son will help to make it a smooth transition for her by announcing to her “Mmmm.  Animal parts!” every time he eats any non-vegetable item.

You might be hosting a Super Bowl party if someone has tried to flush that stupid stuffed toy seal you picked up in Nova Scotia, again, and the guest bathroom toilet is so clogged that the pipes are shaking.

You might be hosting a Super Bowl party if your dog decides that, since it is so cold outside, the dining room table’s leg is a tree.  As are, apparently in his opinion, most of the chairs.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Hosting Super Bowl Football Party ConfusionYou might be hosting a Super Bowl party if you have a 55 gallon drum of guacamole and 12 bushels of tortilla chips in your garage.

You might be hosting a Super Bowl party if your family’s meals for the day center around chips, dip, hot wings, chili, and antacid tablets.

You might be hosting a Super Bowl party if you know when your husband says, “Hey Baby, I’ve got something big for you!” he’s talking about the new 72” HDTV he bought on the way home from work “so everyone can see the game clearly.”   He’s a giver like that.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do you plan to watch the Super Bowl?  Are you getting together with friends or family, or do you prefer to go solo so you have complete control of the remote?

Football Party Do’s & Don’t’s

Football Party Do’s & Don’t’s

by Gina Valley

Just ‘cause it’s a party, doesn’t mean there aren’t rules.  Without rules, we just have anarchy.  And, let’s face it, as far as parties go, anarchy stinks.

So, as you’re celebrating this weekend, keep these guidelines in mind.

Do cheer when your team scores.

Don’t chest bump your 89 year old great, grandma.

Do enjoy your favorite beverage or libation over the course of the game.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Football Sports Party Etiquette Super BowlDon’t play The Drinking Game with ugly ties and men wearing bad rugs on the broadcast as the triggers.

Do enjoy some dessert.

Don’t cram 150 M&M’s in your mouth and try to say “Pass the ball!”

Do hang up decorations in your favorite teams colors.

Don’t go door to door calling your neighbors “Loser!”

Do serve a variety of cold cuts, chips, and your homemade chili.

Don’t serve “pluck them yourself” hot wings.

Do provide a variety of beverage options for your guests.

Don’t serve your cousin Eddy’s 100 proof Bathtub Brew.

Do admire the players’ athletic prowess.

Don’t say, “Now that’s what I call a tight end!” every time they snap the ball.

Do try out your new fondue kit.

Don’t let your neighbor drink the cheese directly from the pot.

Do let your guests enjoy the game uninterrupted.

Don’t turn to HGTV during the commercials to check out the Chopped marathon.

Do provide a range of arts and crafts to keep children at your party occupied.

Don’t let the children play with your wood burning kit or the cat, and especially not both at the same time.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Football Sports Party Etiquette Super Bowl

Do groan and protest bad calls during the game.

Don’t throw meatballs at the TV screen when it shows the referee.

Do set up snack stations throughout your home to encourage guests to move around.

Don’t let the dog stand on the dining room table snarfing up your special recipe punch.

Do discuss the finer points of the game.

Don’t demonstrate proper hiking technique using your 1 year old.

Do embrace the party atmosphere you see at the game as you watch the broadcast.

Don’t strip down and “streak” through your living room.

See you at the coin toss!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What are your party do’s and don’t’s?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Are You Ready For Some Football?

Are You Ready For Some Football?

by Gina Valley

Are you ready for some football?

Perhaps you say, “But, Gina, I don’t like football.”

Fair enough.  Just because 1 out of every three Americans and countless more the world over are watching it this week, doesn’t mean you have to watch it, much less like it.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley 5 Year Olds Football Super Bowl 47 XLVIIBut, before you relegate yourself to watching the Puppy Bowl again, or reading as a conscientious objector, let me just ask you to think about this:

Is it possible that the reason you are less than fond of this battle of a game is because you find it all a bit confusing and unrelatable?

Come on, throw me a bone here.  It’s possible, right?

Now, I confess that I love sports. All sports.  Granted hockey is my favorite, but football is a lot of fun to watch, too.  But, you have to understand what is going on to totally appreciate it.

Let me let you in on a little secret – here’s the key to the whole American football sport for my non-football-ite readers out there:

American football (just “football” for the rest of this column) is like two 5 year olds playing with a pile of blocks. 

It’s just like that.  If you can understand what’s happening when 5 year olds play with blocks, you’ve got a handle on football.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley 5 Year Olds Football Super Bowl 47 XLVIIEach 5 year old wants to make the biggest pile of blocks they can.  Their entire drive and goal is to get more blocks than the other 5 year old.  If one’s pile of blocks is arranged in a more skillful manner than the other’s, that’s great, but what really matters is how big the pile is.

Each football team wants to make the biggest pile of points that they can.  Their entire drive and goal is to get more points than the other time.  If one team scores its points in a more skillful manner than the other, that’s great, but what really matters is whose pile is bigger.

When trying to get blocks out of the bin, 5 year olds take turns.

When trying to get points, football teams take turns.

5 year olds get several tries, or “do overs,” in their efforts to make progress toward building a tower.

Football teams get 4 “downs,” which are really “tries” or “do-overs,” in their efforts to pileup points.

If 5 year olds behave in certain ways they will get a time out, which takes them farther away from the tower they want to build.

If football teams behave in certain ways they will receive a penalty, which, in general, moves them 5 -15 yards farther away from the points they want.

5 year olds will get a time out if they to use certain strategies that would be considered cheating or dangerous in their quest to build their pile of blocks or in an effort to prevent their opponent from building his.

Football teams will get a penalty if they to use certain strategies that would be considered cheating or dangerous in their quest to build their pile of points or in an effort to prevent their opponent from building his.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley 5 Year Olds Football Super Bowl 47 XLVII5 year olds receive a time out if they to do something that would injure each other.

Football teams receive a penalty if they clip, chop block, run into the kicker, make illegal contact, illegally block in the back, or face mask their opponents.

5 year olds must not try to cheat when building their towers.

Football teams must not intentionally ground the ball or use illegal procedure.

A 5 year old must keep the bin of blocks in the play area or mom will move it closer to the other 5 year old.

A football team must keep the ball inbounds at kickoff or the referee will move it closer for their opponent.

5 year olds receive a time out if they throw a tantrum.

Football teams receive a penalty if they have unsportsmanlike conduct.

5 year olds receive a time out if they grab the other 5 year old or keep the other 5 year old from getting ready to reach into the bin of blocks.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley 5 Year Olds Football Super Bowl 47 XLVII

Football teams receive a penalty for holding their opponents, for interfering with their opponent’s efforts to get ready to catch the ball, or for delaying the game.

5 year olds are not allowed to trick one another into doing something wrong.

Football teams are not allowed to make false starts.

5 year olds must remain in their proper tower building territory.

Football teams must not commit encroachment.

In the event of a dispute during the tower building, 5 year olds can call in their mom, tell her their stories, and ask her to settle their differences a couple times.  After that, complaining to mom will get them into trouble.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley 5 Year Olds Football Super Bowl 47 XLVIIIn the event of a dispute during the football game, football teams can ask the referee to review plays a couple of times during each half of the game.  After that, complaining to the referee will get them into trouble.

5 year olds are not allowed to brag about how great they were at putting a particular block on their tower.

Football teams are not allowed to have illegal celebrations after scoring.

See?

They’re basically the same thing.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do you love football?  Do hate it?  Do you show up to hang with friends or for the yummy snacks?  Do you have a question about the game?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Is There A 15 Yard Penalty For Stabbing The Announcer?

Is There A 15 Yard Penalty For Stabbing The Announcer?

I’m a hockey fan.  Huge fan.  Love it.  It would have killed me to have no NHL this year were it not for the fact that I’m totally over-scheduled right now and have zero time to watch the games.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Sports Football Announcers Television Fork Stating The Obvious

But, I love all sports.  Any sport.

I love to go to the games.  Pro, college, minor league – I love them all.  Naturally, my favorites to spectate at are my kids’ games.

I love to play, too, although my enthusiasm far out distances my skill level.  I stink at pretty much every sport equally, although I have achieved particularly awesome results at badness in some.

And, I love to watch sports on TV, even if all I can manage is to have a game on in the background, to catch a glimpse of with one eye while I’m editing something or folding laundry.

BUT,

Sometimes I want to stab the announcers.

I have all kinds of pet peeves with the things sports announcers say.  A couple of my favorites are “What do you think your team needs to do to win today?”  Here’s a thought – score more than the other team, Sherlock! Or how about, “You have Joe Pro Quarterback in the starting lineup today.  Do you think he’s healthy enough to handle the job?”  No, they don’t think he can handle it.  They’re just putting him in to boost his self-esteem.  Coaches aren’t so much worried about who wins.

And, don’t get me started on the stupid questions they often ask during postgame interviews.  “You just lost 48 to 0.  What happened out there today?”  What happened out there?  What?  Weren’t you watching the game?  Obviously they ran all over them.  They got smashed, dragged, and taken to the dumpster.  Pay attention, Fool!

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Sports Football Announcers Television Fork Stating The Obvious

But, there’s one thing they consistently do that causes me to want to rip off my arm to smack them around with. While I’m watching a football game, they constantly tell me I’m watching a football game.

We have a large screen, HDTV, but even if I was watching it on a 4” fuzzy, battery-powered, car TV in the woods, I’m relatively sure I would be aware that the game I’m watching is a football game.  I can’t remember the last time I tried to tune into the Rose Bowl, and round about 3rd quarter suddenly realized I had been watching a Yahtzee game the whole time.

Nonetheless, the announcers feel the need to remind me that it is, in fact, a football game I’m viewing.

Yesterday, I found myself yelling at the screen during the PAC 12 playoff game, which would be par for the course if I was yelling at the coaches or the players or the refs.  I help them like that.  But, I was yelling, “Shut up!  Shut up!  Shut up!’ at the announcers.

“He needs to throw the football more.  He’s hanging onto the football too long. He is gonna lose that football if he doesn’t pass that football soon.  Did you see what happened to the football?  They stripped the football right away from him.”

Football? Really? I thought he was holding a tennis ball that had lost its fuzz, and been horribly disfigured in a freak racquet accident.  Good thing he brought that to my attention.

Just say “ball,” Fool.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Sports Football Announcers Television Fork Stating The Obvious“There is a lot at stake in this football game.  People are focused on the outcome of this football game.  The coach told me that they are prepared for today’s football game.  It is very important for the QB to have his head in this football game.”

You mean this isn’t pickle ball?  Well, that explains the lack of paddles and nets.  I was wondering what the deal was.  Thank you, Mr. Announcer, for clarifying that for me, 56,000 times during the first half alone.

Just say “game,” Fool.

Don’t make me come down there!

I have a fork ready in my purse.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What drives you crazy about announcers on TV?  I know they have dead air to fill, but don’t you sometimes wonder if they think about what they’re saying at all?  When was the last time you yelled at your TV screen?  Is it just me?  Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

And, hook up with me on Facebook and Twitter so we can laugh together even more.