I Left My Brain At The Car Rental Counter!!! …Gina’s Favorites

I Left My Brain At The Car Rental Counter!!! …Gina’s Favorites

By Gina Valley

I’m traveling this week & this timely topic came to mind. Laugh along with this Gina’s Favorites post.

I Left My Brain At The Car Rental Counter!!!

I rent cars frequently, so you’d think I’d be good at figuring out how to use the gadgets in an unfamiliar vehicle. But, you’d be wrong.

Generally, I muddle through as I meet each new set of wheels. Occasionally, I’m briefly baffled, but usually I figure most everything out.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I Left My Brain At The Car Rental Counter!!! ...Gina's Favorites ConfusionThis time, though, I was nearly inept.

Maybe it was because I’ve never rented this brand (I think the proper term is “make” of car, but we use the word “make” to tell our puppies it’s time for them to poop, so I have trouble using “make” to describe a car without giggling. I’m giggling now) of car before.

Maybe it was because I didn’t get the usual 30 second run down on the car’s quirks from the rental car agent.

Maybe it was because I only slept 3 hours the night before.

But, whatever it was, clearly, my brain was slipping a gear. Maybe two.

I could not turn off the blinker.

I pushed the turn signal bar down to signal a left side lane change, and then pushed it back up to turn it off. But, that did not turn it off. It, instead, turned on the right side turn indicator. I assumed I had pushed it up too far, so I pushed it down a tad. This, of course, turned the left side signal back on.

I repeated this futile exercise 6 or 8 times, convincing the drivers around me that I had completely lost my mind or was harboring battling personalities, before I accidentally pushed the bar forward, turning off the signal the way many cars activate their high beams.

Then, I panicked, worrying about a possible high beam emergency ensuing any second, because I realized I had no idea how to turn on the high beams. I never did figure out how to activate the high beams. Fortunately, there were no high beam-necessitating emergencies.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I Left My Brain At The Car Rental Counter!!! ...Gina's Favorites ConfusionI was blasting the radio, which I love to do when driving alone. But, when I needed to turn down the volume, I kept reaching for the knob in the place it is in most cars. Turns out that is the fan speed controller in that car, and it didn’t work well at all to turn down the radio volume.

I repeated this feat of brilliance at least a dozen times during the drive. Each time I was surprised the volume was unchanged, and each time I was then immediately thankful my thoughts were not broadcast over the internet for all to share in my stupidity. Especially for that 12th time.

Not only was I volume-control-impaired, I was also sound-direction-impaired. All of the radio sound was coming from the right side speakers. I couldn’t figure out how to change that, even after I parked the car and closely examined the controls.

My right ear was the only one processing the sound, and that made it feel like my left ear had gone deaf. I briefly wondered if I could somehow manage to drive while seated backwards so as to give my left ear a chance at some action, but decided against it when I realized I still needed to figure out how to turn on the windshield wipers.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I Left My Brain At The Car Rental Counter!!! ...Gina's Favorites ConfusionJust getting out of the car I somehow activated the hazard lights.

And, search as I did, I could not find a button to push inside of the car to pop open the trunk. Thankfully, there was an icon on the key fob that popped that puppy open after only 25 different tries. I was glad I didn’t have to try to explain to everyone at the meeting that my notes were locked in a car with an unopenable trunk & vertigo-inducing speakers.

By the time I walked into the conference room, I felt like I was rapidly morphing into an idiot (I might or might not have gotten off on the wrong floor on the way up. Seven and five are very similar, you know).

Then, as I waited for the meeting to begin, I remembered I never turned off the car’s hazard lights, and realized my transformation was complete.

I had, obviously, left my brain at the rental car counter.

Or, maybe I locked it in the trunk.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do you ever feel like your IQ has fallen out your ear?  Do you adapt quickly to driving an unfamiliar vehicle, or do you find yourself unable to unlock the doors?  I’m looking forward to hearing what you have to say. Luckily, there’s a handy “comment” button right on this page!

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

The Healthy Stuff Will KILL You!!!

The Healthy Stuff Will KILL You!!! …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

Laugh along with this timely Gina’s Favorites post.

That Healthy Stuff Will KILL You!!!

My go-to crunchy snack of late is almonds. They’re no Cheez Doodles, but they are a healthy choice. They’re low in carbs, high in protein, and yummy.

Usually.

I’ve also started taking a multivitamin. Technically, I’ve always taken multivitamins, but I’m not so good at the pill swallowing thing, so, for the last decade or two, I’ve had those gummy vitamins.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley The Healthy Stuff Will KILL You!!! ...Gina's Favorites

My sister, the doctor, recently pointed out that “someone your age should have a much broader spectrum of nutrients in their supplement to aid in brain sharpness than is available in a gummy bear.”

I pointed out that, first of all, they were not gummy bears; they’re gummy vitamins.  And, that my age is 10 years younger than hers.

But, I knew she was right (nobody tell her I said that), so I found a multivitamin with all the bizarre brain sharpness supporting stuff in it she said to take, and I’ve done pretty well swallowing the giant pill each day for the past month. I think I’m almost a grown up now.

When I began this pill-swallowing-act-like-a-grown-up routine, I realized that my stomach was less than welcoming to the giant pill, and quite prone to reject it altogether (and to return it to sender in a most rapid and disgusting manner) if I did not have a little snack right before I swallowed the near-submarine-sized chunk o’ health. So, I usually eat a few almonds when I’m getting ready to trip the pill fantastic.

Today, I grabbed my 12 almonds (yes, I count them. OCD – the gift that keeps giving!), and started munching them while I got out my multivitamin and my fish oil capsules out of their bottles. Yes, I’m becoming quite the health nut (Chocolate is still healthy, right?).

I was just about done with my almonds when I bit into what I thought was an almond, but was clearly a minion of satan.

I immediately wanted to cry out “Something evil this way comes!” but I couldn’t because it tasted so bad I was gagging (and no one was home to hear it anyway, other than our dogs, who have never put anything into their mouth that they didn’t find delicious).

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley The Healthy Stuff Will KILL You!!! ...Gina's FavoritesThis taste was worse than the rotten, cherry cough-syrup taste usually gifted to me by the occasional bad nut in each bag (almonds are not technically nuts, but still). It was beyond-this-world horrible.

I gagged. I coughed. I spewed the rancid mess into our kitchen sink.

Then, I gulped from the faucet and swished and gargled and spit in an attempt to rid my mouth of the foul invader.

I was truly a vision of breathtaking femininity.

The nasty nut had crumbled and wedged pieces of itself in between my teeth. I briefly wondered if the power washer we rented to clean off the patio would fit in my mouth or if my dentist would consider opening his office on his day off to blast my teeth with that water jet thing they have.

But, it occurred to me that, were I to bite into some good tasting almonds, the pieces of those yummy almonds would dislodged the pieces of the evil almond, rendering them spit-outable.

Just as I was tossing the last two almonds from my hand into my mouth in an effort to get the foul remnants of the disgusting almond out of my teeth, I remembered the reason I was munching on almonds in the first place. I was preparing my sensitive stomach for the arrival of my multivitamin.  The horrible almond, I realized as the last 2 almonds landed in my mouth, was not an almond at all.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley The Healthy Stuff Will KILL You!!! ...Gina's FavoritesIt was my multivitamin. (how are vitamins good for us when they clearly are made out of evil?!?!)

And, I realized just in time to abort the first chew, those last 2 almonds I’d tossed into my mouth to save me from the evil almond, which was not an almond, were not almonds, either. They were fish oil capsules.

I think the multivitamin is not so much helping with my brain-sharpness.

So, I’m calling my sister, the doctor, to tell her, as soon as I get back from the store.

I’m buying some gummy vitamins.

And, a bag of Cheez Doodles.

They may not be good for me, but at least they’ve never tried to kill me.

Laugh out loud!

-gina

Do you take vitamins? Are you good at swallowing pills? What healthy stuff do you do? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission

I Left My Brain At The Car Rental Counter!!!

I Left My Brain At The Car Rental Counter!!!

By Gina Valley

I rent cars frequently, so you’d think I’d be good at figuring out how to use the gadgets in an unfamiliar vehicle. But, you’d be wrong.

Generally, I muddle through as I meet each new set of wheels. Occasionally, I’m briefly baffled, but usually I figure most everything out.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I Left My Brain At The Car Rental Counter BrainlessThis time, though, I was nearly inept.

Maybe it was because I’ve never rented this brand (I think the proper term is “make” of car, but we use the word “make” to tell our puppies it’s time for them to poop, so I have trouble using “make” to describe a car without giggling. I’m giggling now) of car before.

Maybe it was because I didn’t get the usual 30 second run down on the car’s quirks from the rental car agent.

Maybe it was because I only slept 3 hours the night before.

But, whatever it was, clearly, my brain was slipping a gear. Maybe two.

I could not turn off the blinker.

I pushed the turn signal bar down to signal a left side lane change, and then pushed it back up to turn it off. But, that did not turn it off. It, instead, turned on the right side turn indicator. I assumed I had pushed it up too far, so I pushed it down a tad. This, of course, turned the left side signal back on.

I repeated this futile exercise 6 or 8 times, convincing the drivers around me that I had completely lost my mind or was harboring battling personalities, before I accidentally pushed the bar forward, turning off the signal the way many cars activate their high beams.

Then, I panicked, worrying about a possible high beam emergency ensuing any second, because I realized I had no idea how to turn on the high beams. I never did figure out how to activate the high beams. Fortunately, there were no high beam-necessitating emergencies.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I Left My Brain At The Car Rental Counter Brainless

I was blasting the radio, which I love to do when driving alone. But, when I needed to turn down the volume, I kept reaching for the knob in the place it is in most cars. Turns out that is the fan speed controller in that car, and it didn’t work well at all to turn down the radio volume.

I repeated this feat of brilliance at least a dozen times during the drive. Each time I was surprised the volume was unchanged, and each time I was then immediately thankful my thoughts were not broadcast over the internet for all to share in my stupidity. Especially for that 12th time.

Not only was I volume-control-impaired, I was also sound-direction-impaired. All of the radio sound was coming from the right side speakers. I couldn’t figure out how to change that, even after I parked the car and closely examined the controls.

My right ear was the only one processing the sound, and that made it feel like my left ear had gone deaf. I briefly wondered if I could somehow manage to drive while seated backwards so as to give my left ear a chance at some action, but decided against it when I realized I still needed to figure out how to turn on the windshield wipers.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I Left My Brain At The Car Rental Counter Brainless

Just getting out of the car I somehow activated the hazard lights.

And, search as I did, I could not find a button to push inside of the car to pop open the trunk. Thankfully, there was an icon on the key fob that popped that puppy open after only 25 different tries. I was glad I didn’t have to try to explain to everyone at the meeting that my notes were locked in a car with an unopenable trunk & vertigo-inducing speakers.

By the time I walked into the conference room, I felt like I was rapidly morphing into an idiot (I might or might not have gotten off on the wrong floor on the way up. Seven and five are very similar, you know).

Then, as I waited for the meeting to begin, I remembered I never turned off the car’s hazard lights, and realized my transformation was complete.

I had, obviously, left my brain at the rental car counter.

Or, maybe I locked it in the trunk.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Have you done anything that made you feel like your IQ had fallen out your ear?  Do you adapt quickly to driving an unfamiliar vehicle, or do you sometimes find yourself unable to even unlock the doors?  I’m looking forward to hearing what you have to say. Luckily, there’s a handy “comment” button right on this page!

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Stop Licking The Dog!!!…Gina’s Favorites

Stop Licking The Dog!!!…Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

I’m taking this week off to deal with some family issues, so I’ve lined up some of my favorite posts to keep you giggling.
Laugh along with this Gina’s Favorites post.

Stop Licking The Dog!!!

“Stop licking the dog.”  Did I just say that?  Again?

They told me that after I had kids I’d never sleep again. I believed them, but for the wrong reasons.

I thought the baby would fuss. The toddler would call out. Nightmares, bathroom needs, and barking dogs would all work together to prevent any semblance of a good night’s sleep during my parental years.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Stop Licking The Dog!!!...Gina's Favorites Parentisms Duh! Moments

And, they do.

But, those disturbances are small potatoes compared to the true parental sleep depriver.

The words.

The sentences.

Those thoughts that somehow made sense at the time when they passed through my lips, but return like ghosts to haunt me in the night.

Did I really tell my daughter to “Stop eating if you’re hungry,” to “Try to be a better liar,” and that “I don’t care what the dog thinks, I’m turning the channel,”?

Did I imagine asking my son “Why are you wearing 9 pairs of underwear at the same time?” “Are all orange foods poisonous?” and “Why is it raining in our dining room?”

Was that me explaining to my own progeny that “Wearing a coat is not a punishment,” and “Cheese is not worth screaming about,”?

Was I the one I heard telling my children “If you break a leg, you’re grounded,” “Wear something light, so the dog hair doesn’t show,” and “Putting the cookies on a plate does to make them homemade,”?

How come I can’t get rid of the image of me explaining yet again to my 8 year old “Needing to wear shoes to school should not be a surprise every day,”?

Did I announce “A flip flop is not a plate,” “Some people do not liked to be sniffed,” and “Sandwiches are not allowed in the bathroom,”?

Was it me who asked “Which parts of your sister are glued together?” “Who dressed the vacuum cleaner?” and “Why is there a taco in your closet?”

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Stop Licking The Dog!!!...Gina's Favorites Parentisms Duh! Moments

Could I have actually ordered my children to “Stop speaking English. You’re American,” to “Stop putting rocks in the refrigerator,” and to “Stop making fun of your brother’s cornea,”?

Why did I need to ask “How come someone stapled these waffles?”, “Who woke up the frog?”, and “Why does this bread taste like pencils?”?

Did I actually say “You can’t waltz right now. We’re late,” “I don’t care whose it is. Flush it,” and “I’m sorry someone moved your dirt,”?

Yes, they were right when they told me I’d never get any sleep as a parent.

But, they didn’t mention that it’d be because I had to tell someone to “Stop licking the dog!”

Three times.

In one day.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Have you been startled by the nonsense that made sense at the time flowing out of your mouth? Have you received knowing looks and stares from nearby parents after blurting out a real gem?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission

Hello, Officer…Gina’s Favorites


As I’m traveling to visit my family this week, today’s post is one of my favorites from the past. – gina

Hello, Officer…Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

I heard the COPS theme song blasting in my head so loud that my head was involuntarily bouncing along.

Bad boys, bad boys

Whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do

When they come for you

I blame Gabriel Iglesias.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Hello, Officer...Gina's Favorites Traveling Speeding

He’s hysterical, but that was totally his fault.  I know I was only thinking about that song because of his Road Trip story, and his playing the COPS theme in it.  If he’d been sitting next to me, he would have been laughing.

But, he wasn’t there.

It was just me.

And, my soundly-sleeping-not-going-to-even-believe-this-happened-until-I-show-them-the-ticket-and-maybe-not-even-then pack and The Professor.

And, what appears to be Arnold Schwarzen-cop. This guy was big.  Gym big.  Gym giant.  And, he did not look happy.  I wasn’t sure, but I thought he might be unhappy because there was a tiny chance that I was accidentally traveling just a tad over the speed limit.  And, by tad, I mean, I have no idea how much over the speed limit I was going.

But, it wasn’t my fault.

I blame the state of California.  The speed limit along the 5 north changes constantly.  I’d seen everything from 45 MPH to 70 MPH.  I knew he was going to ask me what the speed limit was for that stretch of highway, and I honestly had no idea.  I just knew that I was not pulling a trailer, so I was supposed to know what the top sign said.  Which I kind of didn’t.

I blame Bon Jovi.  It’s My Life was playing.  How do you not accidentally speed when that’s blasting on the radio?  It would be un-patriotic not to.  I was just trying to be a good citizen.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Hello, Officer...Gina's Favorites Traveling SpeedingI blame the cows.  They were all lined up along the fence by the highway, and it looked like they were heckling the cars as we all drove by.  It was hysterical.  I swear they were calling out to the cars and laughing.  I was transfixed. How could I possibly be expected to keep an eye on the speedometer with that type of clearly deliberately distracting behavior going on?

I blame the speedometer.  When I noticed that officer Schwartze-cop had taken notice of me, I did what any generally law-abiding citizen would do.  I assumed I was doing something wrong, and checked the speedometer to see exactly how wrong I was.

Well, our speedometer has something of a “defect,” so I was unable to determine exactly how fast I was going. I knew he was going to ask me if I knew.  Should I have told him that I didn’t know because my speedometer is only labeled up to 99MPH and the pointy thing was way past that?   Maybe I should have kept that to myself.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Hello, Officer...Gina's Favorites Traveling SpeedingI was a bit nervous, because I wasn’t sure how it was going to go with this officer.  I just knew that I had to get the COPS theme song out of my head, or I was going to bust out laughing when he got to my window and end up standing on the side of the road trying to walk a straight line while my whole pack and The Professor sleep through the entire thing.

He was very polite and professional and merciful.

I received a ticket for a much lessor offense than it could have been.

And, I got through the whole thing without blurting out “Come with me if you want to live.”

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Have you messed up anything recently?  Do you find yourself in hot water when you get distracted?  Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

I want to make it clear that I have nothing but respect for peace officers and the important work they do.  I could never do it, and I am thankful that they do.

I have deliberately not mentioned any identifying information about this officer to protect his privacy.  And, also because I have several friends who are California Highway Patrol Officers and when they figure out whom this officer is, they will be taking him out for drinks to celebrate for a year, and I will never hear the end of it.

That Healthy Stuff Will KILL You!!!

That Healthy Stuff Will KILL You!!!

by Gina Valley

My go-to crunchy snack of late is almonds. They’re no Cheez Doodles, but they are a healthy choice. They’re low in carbs, high in protein, and yummy.

Usually.

I’ve also started taking a multivitamin. Technically, I’ve always taken multivitamins, but I’m not so good at the pill swallowing thing, so, for the last decade or two, I’ve had those gummy vitamins. My sister, the doctor, recently pointed out that “someone your age should have a much broader spectrum of nutrients in their supplement to aid in brain sharpness than is available in a gummy bear.”

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley That Healthy Stuff Will Kill You Duh! Moments Health

I pointed out that, first of all, they were not gummy bears; they’re gummy vitamins.  And, that my age is 10 years younger than hers.

But, I knew she was right (nobody tell her I said that), so I found a multivitamin with all the bizarre brain sharpness supporting stuff in it she said to take, and I’ve done pretty well swallowing the giant pill each day for the past month. I think I’m almost a grown up now.

When I began this pill-swallowing-act-like-a-grown-up routine, I realized that my stomach was less than welcoming to the giant pill, and quite prone to reject it altogether (and to return it to sender in a most rapid and disgusting manner) if I did not have a little snack right before I swallowed the near-submarine-sized chunk o’ health. So, I usually eat a few almonds when I’m getting ready to trip the pill fantastic.

Today, I grabbed my 12 almonds (yes, I count them. OCD – the gift that keeps giving!), and started munching them while I got out my multivitamin and my fish oil capsules out of their bottles. Yes, I’m becoming quite the health nut (Chocolate is still healthy, right?).

I was just about done with my almonds when I bit into what I thought was an almond, but was clearly a minion of satan.

I immediately wanted to cry out “Something evil this way comes!” but I couldn’t because it tasted so bad I was gagging (and no one was home to hear it anyway, other than our dogs, who have never put anything into their mouth that they didn’t find delicious).

This taste was worse than the rotten, cherry cough-syrup taste usually gifted to me by the occasional bad nut in each bag (almonds are not technically nuts, but still). It was beyond-this-world horrible.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley That Healthy Stuff Will Kill You Duh! Moments Health

I gagged. I coughed. I spewed the rancid mess into our kitchen sink.

Then, I gulped from the faucet and swished and gargled and spit in an attempt to rid my mouth of the foul invader.

I was truly a vision of breathtaking femininity.

The nasty nut had crumbled and wedged pieces of itself in between my teeth. I briefly wondered if the power washer we rented to clean off the patio would fit in my mouth or if my dentist would consider opening his office on his day off to blast my teeth with that water jet thing they have.

But, it occurred to me that, were I to bite into some good tasting almonds, the pieces of those yummy almonds would dislodged the pieces of the evil almond, rendering them spit-outable.

Just as I was tossing the last two almonds from my hand into my mouth in an effort to get the foul remnants of the disgusting almond out of my teeth, I remembered the reason I was munching on almonds in the first place. I was preparing my sensitive stomach for the arrival of my multivitamin.  The horrible almond, I realized as the last 2 almonds landed in my mouth, was not an almond at all.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley That Healthy Stuff Will Kill You Duh! Moments HealthIt was my multivitamin. (how are vitamins good for us when they clearly are made out of evil?!?!)

And, I realized just in time to abort the first chew, those last 2 almonds I’d tossed into my mouth to save me from the evil almond, which was not an almond, were not almonds, either. They were fish oil capsules.

I think the multivitamin is not so much helping with my brain-sharpness.

So, I’m calling my sister, the doctor, to tell her, as soon as I get back from the store.

I’m buying some gummy vitamins.

And, a bag of Cheez Doodles.

They may not be good for me, but at least they’ve never tried to kill me.

Laugh out loud!

-gina

Do you take vitamins? Are you good at swallowing pills? What healthy stuff do you do? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission

Top 10 Reasons I’m Rolling My Eyes

Top 10 Reasons I’m Rolling My Eyes

by Gina Valley

I really hate it when my kids roll their eyes at something.

Especially when that something is me.

So, I make it a point to try not to do many eye rolls myself. Trying to set at least an ok example, and all that.

But, this week, I’ve been rolling my eyes so much I think it counts as cardio.

Why the sudden shifting of my oculars? I’m glad you asked.

Top 10 Reasons I’m Rolling My Eyes

#10.  Because when I walked up to the paint mixing counter with both teal and coral colored paint smudges on my hands and shirt, the Home Depot paint clerk told me, “If you want any color other than white we have to mix it.”

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Reasons I'm Rolling My Eyes Duh Moments

#9.  Because my eldest son said to me, while I was dragging his giant puppy off of our dining room table, again, “My friend’s turtle had 48 babies. They live 80-100 years, and get up to 150 lbs!  Can we get 2?”

#8.  Because when Son#2 handed me my car key it was bent to a 90 degree angle, and he said, “It was that way when I got it.”

#7. Because, after my pack had all left for school, I found a pair of someone’s underwear in my dining room. Again.

#6.  Because, after Son#4 told me, “I’m done cleaning the yard,” and I asked him, “Did you pick up the trash & sweep the patio?” he said, “No.”

#5.  Because clearly the difficulty in attempting to copy a missing key escaped my eldest daughter when she lost my house key, and said, “Can’t you just make another copy?”

#4.  Because Son#3, who has severe asthma triggered by exercise and plant allergies, announced, as he got out of our van and took off running across the field to soccer practice, that he decided not to take his allergy pill before soccer practice because he just didn’t feel like taking it.

#3.  Because when I told my Daughter#3 I was late picking her up because I fell asleep while I was working on a column, she said, “Wow, it must be really funny.”

#2.  Because when I told Son#2 I needed him to give Daughter#2 a ride to school because she overslept, he said, “Could you please ask me the night before next time?”

#1.  Because I tried to turn the TV channel with my cell phone. Again.

I wonder how many calories a good eye roll burns. After all, I’ve got a high school reunion coming up soonto get in shape for.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Any ridiculousness in your life lately?  Are your eyes a’ rollin’? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photo courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission

He Used MY Toothbrush!!!

He Used MY Toothbrush!!!

by Gina Valley

He used my toothbrush!

How disgusting is that?

And, it didn’t even seem to bother him. He actually seemed to think it was funny.

It was not funny.

There is nothing funny about someone else using your toothbrush.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley He Used MY Toothbrush!!! Marriage

Especially, when it’s my toothbrush.

I know what some people think. We’ve made babies together, clearly this is not the first “mixing of our essences.” That’s true. Not even the first time today.

And, I have to admit my tongue has touched his teeth before. Yet, somehow, the idea of using my toothbrush as a go between from my mouth to his is totally unacceptable.

He chuckled as he told me that, after he’d finished brushing his teeth, he realized he’d grabbed and used the wrong toothbrush. Mine, inadvertently, instead of his.

I say there are no accidents.

Besides, my toothbrush is pink and his is dark blue. How do you mix those up? I wonder what Dr. Phil would say about that?

I didn’t want to hurt his feelings by totally freaking out, much as my OCD was screaming at me to do just that.  I couldn’t very well start scrubbing my toothbrush with bleach without insulting him. So, I decided I’d “accidentally” knock my toothbrush into the toilet, thereby making its replacement both mandatory and blameless.

While I smoothed moisturizer onto my skin with my left hand, I used my pinky and ring finger of my right hand to slowly inch the contaminated oral cleaning rod toward the toilet.

Just touching it gave me the heebie jeebies. How could I touch something dripping with someone else’s saliva?

My tooth brush was an agent of filth.

My toothbrush was a speed rail for germs.

My toothbrush was bone dry.

How was it possible for my toothbrush to be quite without humidity when he had used it just minutes before?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley He Used MY Toothbrush!!! Marriage

My eyes darted around the bathroom, searching for an answer, and fell on his dark blue toothbrush, lying on the counter, next to his toothbrush holder (he never stands it up in its holder. Drives me crazy).

Had he used his own toothbrush, but thought it was mine? Could someone really mix up pink-in-a-holder with blue-on-the-counter? Was it time to start looking for “The Home”?

At the risk of barfing a little, I decided to check his toothbrush for signs of recent usage. His, too, was bone dry.

Was this a miracle? Had toothbrush angels descended from heaven and dispelled the disgusting act?!?!

I stared at our bathroom counter, realizing that even the toothbrush angels couldn’t reverse this travesty of personal hygiene. I might have thrown up a little in my mouth, just thinking about what had happened.

Yes, he had used my toothbrush, but not my pink one from my toothbrush holder.  He’d used the dark green one I keep on the counter next to the sink.

The one I use to clean the gunk out from underneath my fingernails!!!

Maybe there is something funny about someone else using your toothbrush, after all.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What would you do if someone used your toothbrush?  Is the toothbrush the holy grail of hygiene? I’m looking forward to hearing what you think, so shoot me a comment.

If It Answers To “Easter Basket” It Must Be Our Dog…Gina’s Favorites

If It Answers To “Easter Basket” It Must Be Our Dog…Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

It’s nearly Easter, and at this time of year my thoughts turn to “Why doesn’t our dog know his name?”  So, I picked my If It Answers To “Easter Basket” It Must Be Our Dog post for Throwback Day this week.
Laugh along with this Gina’s Favorites post!

If It Answers To “Easter Basket” It Must Be Our Dog

We have several dogs.  We love them all very, very much.

One of them is named Douglas.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley If It Answers To “Easter Basket” It Must Be Our Dog...Gina's Favorites Pets DumbDouglas is an idiot.  I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Often when I am looking at Douglas I say to him, “It’s a good thing you’re pretty.”

He is pretty.  He’s a lab and saluki mix with shiny black fur that is soft like a rabbit’s.   His mouth always looks like it’s smiling.  He has a long tail with a dangling, silky fringe that that never gets tangled.  He’s lean and looks like he could run down a cheetah.  He really is a pretty dog.

He’s also pretty dumb.

Douglas joined our family when he was 9 months old.  His first family had named him “Douglas,” after the black train on the Thomas the Train TV show.  We opted not to change his name because we didn’t want to confuse him.  If we knew then what we know now, we would have just laughed and laughed and laughed at the idea of not confusing him.

Douglas, who is sweet and wonderful with children despite his enormous size, lives in a constant state of confusion.  I swear sometimes the other dogs are laughing at him.  I sometimes scold them for that.  Apparently, he isn’t the only confused member of our family.

It took nearly 2 years to teach him to “sit” on command.  It took nearly 4 years to get any kind of acknowledgment from him that when we holler “No!” we are not happy with what he is doing and he should stop.  Even still, sometimes all he does is pause.

He doesn’t wag his tail like normal dogs.  He has an asymmetrical pattern when he puts his tail into motion.  When he’s especially excited about something he does what we call “helicoptering,” which is when his tail just makes continuous, enormous circles.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley If It Answers To “Easter Basket” It Must Be Our Dog...Gina's Favorites Pets DumbBut, it’s his seeming inability to understand what his name is that is the source of most of our head shaking and giggles.

For the first two years he lived with us we would call out, “Douglas!” to get his attention, and then, having received no acknowledgement whatsoever again, we would call out, “Trixie!” to get Douglas to come to us.  You might remember that Trixie was one of our other dogs who has, sadly, gone on to Dog Heaven now.  Douglas would see Trixie run up to us and he would follow her.  The funny thing is he would run up to us if we called out, “Trixie!” even when Trixie wasn’t home.

But, that was ok.  At least we knew how to get his attention.

And, he is very pretty.

Even though it usually receives no acknowledgement from him we consistently call Douglas “Douglas.”  We are ever hopeful that he will catch on.  But, at 15 years old he still hasn’t.

For almost 6 weeks this past spring he answered solely to the name “Easter Basket.”  Daughter#1 was in a conversation, and when she said, “Easter basket,” Douglas charged across the house, giant paws slipping and sliding, long legs flailing, right up to her.  We thought it was a coincidence.

It’s not unusual for Douglas to make a sudden mad dash through the house for no apparent reason.  We don’t even answer the door if he runs up and barks at it unless the other dogs do, too.  He has excellent hearing.  He even hears, and I think sees, invisible people.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley If It Answers To “Easter Basket” It Must Be Our Dog...Gina's Favorites Pets DumbSo, scientifically minded people that we are, we tested “The Easter Basket Moniker” theory again later that day.   We had Son#3 sit on the sofa in the family room with no food nearby, as we wondered if Daughter#1 being in the food-centric breakfast room earlier had been the reason he had made his mad, well-timed dash.  Son#3 called out, “Easter Basket!”  Douglas came running.

I’m not sure if Douglas thought “Easter  Basket” was his name or if he had associated “Easter Basket” with candy and was hoping to get some (my dad also comes running at the phrase “Easter Basket.”  He loves him some candy!), but for whatever the reason, for the first time in his more than decade as a part of our family, we had a reliable way to call that dog to us.  Gotta admit it felt a little weird hollering it out at the dog park, though.

Since the end of his “Easter Basket” phase we’re back to calling him “Douglas,” while he is back to having no idea that we are talking to him.

Until yesterday.

Yesterday ‘Ole Easter Basket amazed me.

I called out, “Douglas!” and he tore through the house and ran right up next to me, looking at me expectedly.  I was so shocked that it took me a minute to remember I was calling him to see if he needed to go outside.  He went out.

Twice more over the next couple hours I called out “Douglas!” and he ran right up to me.  I was so excited that at nearly 15 years old he had finally learned his name.  Sometimes you lower your expectations for certain individuals.  I could hardly wait until my pack got home so I could show them.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley If It Answers To “Easter Basket” It Must Be Our Dog...Gina's Favorites Pets DumbSo, they got home around dinner time, and I called out “Douglas!” to give him a chance to show off his new found brilliance.  No reaction.  I tried several more times.  I even tried with a Scottish accent.  No dice.  He didn’t even look at me until I walked over to him and petted his head.

Whatever iceberg had popped through the surface of that vast empty ocean that is his brain had sunk back down into the depths.

But, that’s ok.

And, luckily, he is pretty.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Ever have one of those “what’s my name again?” days?  Shoot me a comment.  I’d love to hear all about it!

Oh. My. Gosh. …Gina’s Favorites

Oh. My. Gosh. …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

I’m traveling this week, so I have a cast of my Gina’s Favorites posts to keep you in giggles until I get back.  Today’s Gina’s Favorites post is my Oh. My. Gosh. post. I picked this post because I’m sure that when I return from the conference, I’ll have a bushel full of new Duh! Moments to share. Probably two!
Laugh along with this Gina’s Favorites!

Oh. My. Gosh.

I was just thinking about some of my many “Duh!” moments.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Oh. My. Gosh. ...Gina's Favorites Duh! Moments

The fact that I just noticed my shirt’s on backwards has nothing to do with it (note: I originally left the “r” out of the word “shirt.” Somehow that seems fitting. Glad I caught that on the read-through.  I wonder what I missed).

I’ve been wearing this shirt all day.  I almost always put it on backwards.  Because of that, I try to be extra careful to put it on the correct way.  That I still mess it up most of the time is doubly irritating.

It probably wouldn’t bother me as much if it wasn’t a V-neck.

Talk about your “duh!” moments.

Sometimes, I’m not as smart as other times.

Sometimes, I’m a lot not as smart.

Like when I was opening a can of chicken and rice soup, and pushed on the partially attached lid, in an effort to remove it.  But, rather than detaching the lid, my push activated a Chicken Soup Tsunami which crashed all over my face and hair.  The chicken soup did work kind of like a poultry scented hair gel.  And, in the right light, I suppose the rice would look like elongated pearls.  Of course, I think that light is only available in asylums.

Duh!

Or, when Son#1 was watching TV one evening, while I was working on my laptop, sitting on the family room sofa next to him.  I had an occasional eye to the TV.  His Y chromosome was showing, as he was switching the channel a lot.

At one point, we were watching the easily recognizable Forrest Gump.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Oh. My. Gosh. ...Gina's Favorites Duh! MomentsNext time I looked up, I saw Tom Cruise in a baseball cap in what looked in my quick peek to be an office, and asked, “Is that Jerry Maguire?”

“No,” he said.  “It’s War of the Worlds,” clearly unimpressed with my movie naming skill.

After another couple clicks through Forrest and NCIS, I noticed people in some sort of uniform working on wounded people.

“Is that War of the Worlds?” I asked.

“No,” he answered way too patiently.  “That’s an Air Force commercial.”

Oh.  Never mind.

Duh!

Or, when I was on a call, and I was put on hold so long that I finished what I was working on.  Thankfully, I have a cell phone, so I got up from my desk to go do something else because I was still on hold.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Oh. My. Gosh. ...Gina's Favorites Duh! MomentsI then realized, as the phone receiver was ripped out of my hand and sproinged into the wall, that, although I have a cell phone, I was using my desk phone, and it was not only conveniently attached to the wall, but also at that point had become partially embedded into it.

Duh!

Or, when I got to the hotel while on a business trip and found I’d packed The Professor’s toothbrush instead of mine.  His is green.  Mine is purple.

Duh!

Or, when I signed off from a phone call with a new client, whom I hardly knew, with my signature family goodbye of a singsong “Bye – l love you!”

Duh!

Or, when I handed the desk person at the gym my scanner tag on my keychain, and she started sorting through my keys.  I was startled by the invasion of my privacy, until I realized I’d handed her my grocery store club tab, not my gym tab.  I laughed and said, “Sorry, I know it’s Sunday, but it’s been a Monday for me all day.”

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Oh. My. Gosh. ...Gina's Favorites Duh! MomentsWithout missing a beat she said, “Well, then I’ve got good news for you.  It’s Saturday.”

Duh!

Or, like just now, when Son#1 walked in and said, “Mom, you’re listening the music channel on mute again.”  He was right.  I had the satellite radio that comes through our TV on, but muted.  So, basically just a display of the name of the song that I can’t hear is displayed on the screen.

I had to mute it.  I was having trouble thinking.

Maybe that’s because my shirt’s on backwards.

Duh!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Click on over to my  It’s Another Duh! Moment post for more “Duh!’ Moments fun.  I’ll meet you over there.  As always, the extra click to get there counts as cardio.

Have you had a doosey of a “Duh!” moment?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.