Top 10 Reasons You Can’t Erase THAT From The DVR

Top 10 Reasons You Can’t Erase THAT From The DVR

by Gina Valley

This weekend was supposed to be one of those pre-holiday-clean-the-house-from-top-to-bottom-so-friends-and-family-who-pop-in-for-holiday-visits-won’t-think-we’re-total-pigs weekends.  Well, big surprise – didn’t happen.

So the weekend cleaning concept wouldn’t be completely lost, I decided to tackle the most difficult cleaning job in our house – cleaning out the recordings on our DVR.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Totally Top 10 Reasons You Can’t Erase THAT From The DVRTo the uninitiated, this sounds like a quick, simple task.  But, the experienced DVR recording deleter knows that this course of action is fraught with danger and turmoil.  The pusher of the delete key can quickly become less popular than an IRS audit agent at a Cayman Island bankers’ convention.

I once tried to erase Dick Clarks Rockin’ New Year’s Eve, and the near riot it triggered would have made you think I’d proposed clubbing seals as our after dinner entertainment.  And, it was July.  Two years later.

Basically, each member of the family wants each and every recording deleted, except for the ones that person made.  The prevailing attitude tends to be “No one is erasing my stuff.”

Naturally, each family member has perfectly logical, valid reasons for wanting to preserve his or her TV recordings forever.

Top 10 Reasons You Can’t Erase THAT From The DVR

#10.  Because that has the commercial I love in it.

#9.  Because I don’t remember if I liked that or not.

#8.  Because I’ve erased all my other stuff.

#7.  Because I hate that & I like to yell at that episode.

#6.  Because I want to get the shoes the bartender is wearing in the 2nd scene.

#5.  Because that’s the episode where he’s talking to that guy and it’s daytime, but when he turns around it’s night time.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Totally Top 10 Reasons You Can’t Erase THAT From The DVR#4.  Because I haven’t written down the supplies to build the bat box.

#3.  Because the ref makes that totally wrong call in the 3rd quarter.

#2.  Because the music on that one makes the dog bark.

#1.  Because I told a guy in my math class he could come watch that here because his mom erased it from their DVR.

I really think it is time we established a DVR Amnesty Day, when one can erase the contents of the DVR without repudiation.

Except the stuff I recorded.

Nobody’s erasing my stuff.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Who cleans out the DVR recordings in your family?  Who is the big DVR recording hoarder in your pack?

Top 10 Things That Are More Fun Then Cleaning Out A Closet With A Grumpy Teenager

Top 10 Things That Are More Fun Then Cleaning Out A Closet With A Grumpy Teenager

by Gina Valley

As is traditional, on Labor Day, we labored.

This year, just for fun, we focused on our children’s closets.  As expected, the experience was less than completely joy-filled.

My littles were thrilled to find long lost sports jerseys and AWOL Lego pieces, but less than enthusiastic with the whole cleaning, organizing process.  They were, however, happy to have the extra play space paring down gave them, and wasted no time in covering it with an assortment of toys the minute we were finished.

Cleaning, Teenagers, Humor, Funny, Kids, Children, Family, Parenting, Gina ValleyMy teens, on the other hand, gave negativity a new world record.

They could neither muster a positive word about their newly tidy living space nor plaster a smile on their face upon discovering the 17 missing library books they were responsible for paying for.

One would have thought that the holey, stiff PE clothes from 3 years ago and ripped up jeans they’ve had for 2 years and never worn were diamond encrusted iPhones, what with the fight my teens put up to keep them.

A worn out sneaker (the mate of which hasn’t been seen for years), tarnished earrings, dried bottles of nail polish, and frayed belts inspired defensive debates that one would think were reserved for money trees on Ebay.

Honestly, I don’t think my teens want to live in a clean, tidy room. I think they enjoy living like hillbillies in a hovel. Funny, though, I always think they like “tidy,” because they’re instantly drawn to any room the minute I clean it. I guess they just show up to the pristine areas, not to enjoy them as I thought, but to attempt to spread their preferred messiness.

Forget HGTV (Home & Garden Television), my kids need HHTV (Hovel & Hillbilly TV).

All in all, it was a laborious Labor Day experience, and a less than good time was had by all, except perhaps by the donation guy at the thrift store. But, I have to admit, that I do smile every time I think about their currently organized closets.  I know it won’t last long, so I figure I better do it while I can.

Next year, maybe I’ll try something that’s more fun than cleaning out closets with my teens.

Top 10 Things That Are More Fun Then Cleaning Out A Closet With A Grumpy Teenager

#10.  Setting yourself on fire on a hot day in the middle of the hottest part of Death Valley

#9.  Licking dirty sandpaper

#8.  De-skunking the dog, for the 3rd time this month.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Things That Are More Fun Then Cleaning Out A Closet With A Grumpy Teenager #7.  Walking on Legos

#6.  Pruning the cactus.

#5.  Catching fleas on the bathroom rug.

#4.  Having the hose break while you are draining the RV’s black water tank

#3.  Cleaning out the garbage disposal.

#2.  Sitting through the PTA end of the year awards meeting.

#1.  Cleaning out the refrigerator after the power has been out for 2 days.

Keep these in mind.  Spring cleaning is just around the corner.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do you love the feeling of cleaning out a space or dread the entire idea?  Who likes to de-clutter around your home?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

How Many Points Is Invisible Food?

How Many Points Is Invisible Food?

by Gina Valley

It bothers me when our dog –

(Is she a dog or a puppy?

I pride myself on getting these details correct. I want to give you, my dear readers, the correct picture. She’s only 6 months old, so technically she’s still very much a puppy. She acts like a puppy, gets scared easily, is highly curious, falls down for no reason.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley How Many Points Is Invisible Food? Pets Dogs

But, she’s 60lbs now. She doesn’t look much like a puppy at that size, even when she’s trying to curl up on my lap. I’m not sure which term to use to accurately describe this giant, silly furball)

– but, anyway – it bothers me when the canine walks in, looks down at the floor, picks something I can’t see up, and eats it.

I just finished sweeping, then mopping, the floor, and still, she came in, sniffed around, sucked some un-seeable morsel up, and is now chewing her elusive bite.

What is she eating?

Why is there something “eatable” on the floor, apparently, all the time, no matter where she is?

Am I walking around on food and not seeing it?

Is she eating invisible food?

If it’s invisible, is it food?

Is it like those whistles only dogs can hear?  Food only dogs can see?

Is she just pretending to eat?

Is she out of her mind?

Am I?

You know, they say pets make your life longer.

I say they just make it feel that way.

She just ate something else.

And, I think she winked at me.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What do your pets do that make you question your sanity?  Do you think they do it on purpose?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Trying Out For The Olympic Cottage Cheese Team

Trying Out For The Olympic Cottage Cheese Team

by Gina Valley

Well, that’s a record.

We’ve managed to spill the cottage cheese when it has been in our custody for less than an hour.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley The Olympic Cottage Cheese Team Spilling

Actually, the safely seal was still on it.

Had the safety seal remained intact after the tumble from the top shelf of our refrigerator to the hardwood floor in front of it, the cottage cheese slurry flood that was released upon impact would have been prevented..

But, alas, it did not remain intact.

The integrity of the stay fresh safety seal was in fact compromised upon impact with the kitchen floor.  A curds n whey ooze than started, contaminating the newly washed rug (I wonder what the record is for keeping the rug clean.  A freshly washed rug actually is a scientifically known attractant of stain makers from spills and kids to dogs and husbands) and flowing over onto the wood floor beneath.

Ever try to clean up cottage cheese from a rug?  It ain’t pretty, I tell you that.

Apparently our home induces suicidal tendencies in tubs of cottage cheese.  From the second a tub arrives in our home it seems to be its number one priority to jump off of whatever shelf in the refrigerator it’s put on, and to plunge to its death, leaving plastic shards and gooey curds in its wake.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley The Olympic Cottage Cheese Team SpillingI wonder if I am buying Samurai brand cottage cheese without realizing it.

Usually, there’s a child accomplish involved in this premature cottage cheese termination.   The child shoves something onto a shelf in our refrigerator.  I assume this is done to test the laws and tenants of physics, namely Newton’s laws of motion, the most basic of the governing laws of physics.   The child’s efforts quickly confirm that the law stating “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction” still holds.

It does hold.

It always does.

We know this because in response to the child’s inward shove toward the back of the refrigerator, an outward shove rises from the back of the refrigerator, propelling the shelf’s contents on that side forward, unwaveringly causing the rapid and unfortunate egress of the aforementioned cottage cheese, which is, for some unknowable reason, always perched at the front edge of whatever shelf it’s on.

So, we never eat cottage cheese.

Ever.

The only way we could eat it is to eat it off of our kitchen floor, and our kitchen floor is never one you want to chance the 5 second rule with.

Even though we never get to eat it, I have to buy cottage cheese.  That’s how I was raised.  It would be wrong not to do it, even though I once went a month without buying it and I saved myself 8 loads of laundry.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley The Olympic Cottage Cheese Team SpillingThis never happens with the sour cream tub or the cream cheese tub.  Heaven knows the cookie dough tub is always empty by the time it makes it home from the store, so it never spills.  Heck, sometimes the cookie dough tub is empty before we finish loading the groceries into our car.

So, you might spot me near the dairy case at the grocery store today, in search of a fresh carton of Samurai cottage cheese.

Or, I might be out in my car with the tub of cookie dough, making sure that it can’t spill when I get it home.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Anything fly out of your fridge?  What kind of cookie dough do you like?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

There Is Something Gooey In The Bathroom

There Is Something Gooey In The Bathroom

My children were nearly unanimous in their disgust at the state of their bathroom this morning.

Of course, not disgusted enough to clean it up, just enough to complain and to refuse to use it.

“That’s gross.”

“Eeeeww!”

“Mom, can I use your bathroom?”  Yeah, you grossed yours out, so please, come mess up mine.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Toothpaste Bathroom Gooey Mess Mystery Curling Iron

Hearing their moans, wailing, and gnashing of teeth I feared the worst as I approached their bathroom to investigate what disgusting display was preventing not only the use of the facilities, but also was so repellent that most of them refused to even enter the room at all.

“It’s running down the toilet!”

“It’s dripping off the counter!”

“Yuck! It’s on the mirror!”

If it was what I thought it was I knew there was no way I could clean it up without creating a whole other mess to deal with.  The Professor had left early, so the facilities would be quarantined until he returned late this afternoon.

I checked the time on my phone on the way down the hall, calculating whether I had time to haul my pack to Target to use their facilities before school.  It’d be cutting it close.

Reaching the assembled crowd, I reluctantly pushed my way through to the door.  I held my breath in anticipation of what I was sure would be a gut wrenching aroma, and peered inside.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Toothpaste Bathroom Gooey Mess Mystery Curling IronI was greeted by a familiar, gooey nemesis.  Memories of battles past came to mind.  So did a minty fragrance.

In light of today’s and past battles I decided for Throwback Day this week we should revisit one such battle in my Flying Toothpaste post.

You can read my Flying Toothpaste post in its entirety below, or, for you hardcore readers, you can click on one of the magic links to travel to its original posting.  Totally your call.  I’ll meet you there either way.  You bring the carrots (I’m still off of chocolate).  I’ll bring the giggles.

Flying Toothpaste

Did you know that if you’re squeezing the toothpaste tube and there is, unbeknownst to you, an air bubble in the toothpaste tube that the air bubble will exit in a most violent fashion, rudely shoving the toothpaste in front of it out of the 

way in an explosive nature, causing the toothpaste to immediately take flight, and to continue in flight until such time as the toothpaste is confronted with an immovable object, such as the bathroom ceiling?

Well, it will.

The toothpaste will then, having been so violently and suddenly
forced from its comfortable tube-ish home, cling to the immovable surface quite stubbornly, just out of reach of a, say, 5’6″ woman standing on the toilet, who is desperately swiping at it with a tissue draped over the end of a curling iron. 

Moreover, when the woman abandons the quest to relocate the toothpaste, the blob will hang down from the ceiling like a tiny stalactite, swinging mockingly back and forth, taunting the woman.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Toothpaste Bathroom Gooey Mess Mystery Curling IronAnd, as the woman attempts to ignore the taunting blob of paste, one of the woman’s children will enter the bathroom, without invitation as offspring are known to do, to “borrow” something as offspring are also known to do, without even the slightest intention or inclination to return the object as offspring are known not to do. 

This child, who is unable to spot a large, neon-orange snow jacket in a small closet filled with black pants, this child who does not notice the 4 bushels of dirty laundry that inhabit every even semi-horizontal surface in his room, this child that has not realized that his guinea pig was replaced by a fuzzy bedroom slipper 2 1/2 months ago, this child who is less than 4′ high at the top of his head will INSTANTLY notice the tiny swinging blob of white toothpaste on the white ceiling more than 8 feet in the air.  

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Toothpaste Bathroom Gooey Mess Mystery Curling IronAnd, what’s more, he, upon spotting the toothpaste hanging from the ceiling will utter this phrase, or its equivalent, “Eeeww, mom, that’s disgusting.  You gotta clean that up.”

There is nothing grosser to a child than a glob of free-range cleaning product.

This woman will then respond by telling this child that, of course she will clean it up.  But, she can’t take time to haul out the ladder to clean the toothpaste off of the ceiling right then, because she’s too busy trying to remember where she put the food for his slipper … er..uh… guinea pig.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Have you got any free-range dental products running around your house this week?  Has someone been squeezing the tube from the middle?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about your minty adventures.

I Don’t Have Lollipops Up The Wazoo

I Don’t Have Lollipops Up The Wazoo

Let me just say, as a disclaimer, this is a whiney post.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Irritants Whining Disclaimer Problems Trouble Bad Mood Loneliness Correct Spelling A Lot Feeding The  Dog Stinky Dog Food Lazy Teacher Saving Wrapping Paper Plates Teenager Neighbor

I’m generally an anti-whine-ite, so the fact, that I even hit “publish” is something of a near miracle, which only happened because my great buddy Joan told me that “People need to know that you’re real; that you don’t always have giggles, sunshine, and lollipops up the wazoo.”

Joan is probably correct, although I am hoping that you all know I don’t have lollipops up my wazoo.  That sounds terribly uncomfortable.  And sticky.

So today, instead of posting one of my back-up, ready-to-go-in-case-of-emergency-or-cruddy-weeks posts, I’m gonna go ahead and whine, because, as my dear Joan reminded me, “Sometimes, you gotta whine.”  Or, maybe it was ”wine.”  I forget.

Probably good advice either way.

As a second disclaimer, let me just say, I have no problems.  None.

Obviously, I mean that comparatively, not literally.  I know many of you, because you have honored me by sharing some of your struggles with me, face things every day that would overwhelm me to the point of despair.

So, I have no problems.  But, today, that won’t keep me from bit…I mean whining about some.

I try to remain a positive person.  I guess I’m naturally that way.  I tend to look over the turds in life and on toward the greatness tomorrow holds.  I try to spotlight the good in people, while trying to overlook the often glaring not-so-good-stuff.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Irritants Whining Disclaimer Problems Trouble Bad Mood Loneliness Correct Spelling A Lot Feeding The  Dog Stinky Dog Food Lazy Teacher Saving Wrapping Paper Plates Teenager NeighborBut, this week stank, and yesterday was particularly terrible.  So, every little thing is feeling like a giant burr under my saddle.

Many of my best friends are far away. I don’t mean emotionally or just distanced themselves.  No, no.  We are still thick as thieves (which reminds me – I’ve got some de-thickening to work on personally, thanks to a New Year’s resolution, which means no junk food, i.e. “medicinal gnoshing,” right now and that stinks).  No, they are actually in far away places to follow job promotions, career changes, return to school, or to follow their spouse who is doing one of these things.

It’s great for them.  It stinks for me.  I don’t like it and I want everybody back in “grab a coffee in an hour?” distance.

Every day, EVERY day, I am asked how to spell, “a lot.”  Is “a lot” a word?  How do you spell “a lot?” No matter where I am or who I’m with, someone always asks. This week one of my sons has asked me 4 different times, “Is ‘a lot’ a word?”

I’m happy to help anyone, especially my children, to learn.  But, the same short word 4 times this week from a highly gifted 12 year old?  Irritating!  I had a guy ask me if “a lot” is one word or two while we were waiting in line at the post office.  Come on people.  Get it together.  Is “adog” a word?  Is “asandwich” a word?  Is “acar” a word?  No, and neither is “alot.” Nor is “getwiththeprogram,”  or ”stopaskingmeif “a lot”isaword.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Irritants Whining Disclaimer Problems Trouble Bad Mood Loneliness Correct Spelling A Lot Feeding The  Dog Stinky Dog Food Lazy Teacher Saving Wrapping Paper Plates Teenager NeighborI hate feeding the dog.  HATE it.  I can’t stand the smell.  I would rather be dead than smell that smell.  That shouldn’t be a problem, though, because I don’t feed pets.  I feed children.  I feed adults.  I feed people of any age.  But, I do not feed pets (unless they are sick or old or particularly great at looking pathetic that day).

Part of the agreement in becoming a pet custodian in our home is understanding I will not be feeding your pet.  Nonetheless (don’t you just love how there are no spaces in that word?), nearly every morning for the past two weeks, I’ve had to feed the dog because whomever was next in the posted batting order didn’t bother to do it.

I’m not going to let an animal go hungry all day because the assigned human remembered to feed him or herself, but not the furry friend whose bowl was empty.  But, I’m not going to be happy about it.  Nope, pretty far away from happy about it.

One of my kid’s teachers is horrible.  I was an elementary teacher. It was hands down my favorite employment ever.  It is a ton of work to do a good job at it, but totally worth the effort.  And, totally optional, in that you don’t have to be a teacher.

If you don’t want to put in the effort to be at least competent and kind, quit.  Work at the Department of Motor Vehicles.  I noticed when I was there last month they seem to be filling many of their positions with people who are lacking both kindness and competency.

This teacher refuses to provide either me or my son with a list of work when he’s absent.  She says that the kids need to learn to be responsible, so they have to copy down the information from another student when they return.  Then, if they figure out they need any materials from her they need to ask her for them.  I think kids should be responsible, but I think teachers should be, also.

My son’s chronic illness causes him to miss school frequently. But, even if it didn’t, perhaps you also see the glaring problem with this system.  If the student he gets the information from is wrong, my son is out of luck.   Any child who is absent faces the same dilemma.

When I politely pointed out this problem, in light of the fact that my son had received 0’s for not doing work he did not know he was supposed to do, I was told by the teacher that “It was the other student’s responsibility to write it down correctly.”  This teacher is just being lazy.  We should not have to fight this battle and I am beyond irritated that we have to.

One of my kid’s saves tissue paper.  I don’t just mean “saves it.”  It’s more like she rescues and adopts it, keeping it in her custody until another suitable gift giving opportunity presents itself.   Now, I’m all for being thrifty.  But, a 200 sheet pack of tissue paper runs about a buck.  It’s worth the 3 cents per gift to me to go with fresh paper.

More importantly, we have too much stuff in our house already to add a collection of, what is in my opinion, garbage to our full clutter inventory.   I’m already busy finding and dumping the jars and plastic tubs other pack members insist they will reuse.  I don’t need to spend additional time stealthily removing potential kindling from my daughter’s room.  Why can’t my family throw anything away?

And, you should see what she does to her room if left to her own devices for a couple days.  I can’t imagine what would happen if I let her add used wrapping supplies to her belongings.  I have visions of starring in a season of Hoarders.  And not in a good way.  You just know they’ll ask me why I let her develop into that.  No one will believe that we have come to tears over her insistence that my throwing out tissue paper after a gift is opened is my greatest character flaw.  I’ve got lots of character flaws. That’s not even in the top 100.  How about we focus on one of those?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Irritants Whining Disclaimer Problems Trouble Bad Mood Loneliness Correct Spelling A Lot Feeding The  Dog Stinky Dog Food Lazy Teacher Saving Wrapping Paper Plates Teenager NeighborI love dishes.  It’s not quite shoe addiction level yet, but I do have several different sets.  And, we use them all.  But, the pattern we most frequently use is paper plates.  When life is too busy to allow for a thorough cleanup, which is more often than not, we skip my many beloved porcelain wonders and go for the renewable food holders.  Which keeps me sane.  Or, it would keep me sane, if people would throw out their used plates.

My pack puts more dirty paper plates in the sink than they do real dishes.  How do you walk past the trash can and not throw that sucker out?  Why would you spend more energy to do the wrong thing?  Do they really think we’re going to wash and reuse those?  And, what is the deal with leaving used paper plates on the table?  And the counter?  And in the microwave? WTH?

Granted, there is a lid on our trashcan, but you don’t need an access code or superhuman strength to remove it.  Just touch the foot-pedal and it flies open (knocking the finish off of the cabinet next to it, which will be fodder for another Whine-fest), as if by magic.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Irritants Whining Disclaimer Problems Trouble Bad Mood Loneliness Correct Spelling A Lot Feeding The  Dog Stinky Dog Food Lazy Teacher Saving Wrapping Paper Plates Teenager Neighbor

But, do they throw them out without reminders?  Noooo.  Do they throw them out with reminders?  Noooo.  I guess they don’t have time because they are too busy driving me to insanity, short trip that it is.

I think I’m past my whine limit, so unfortunately I won’t be able to tell you about my teenager who, after complaining yesterday about having to spend 10 minutes loading the dishwasher, announced this morning that I should allow time each morning to prepare a hot breakfast for him, or about my neighbor who complains nearly weekly about my son’s well-cared for car being parked in front of our house because my neighbor would like to place his trashcans there.  Sometimes it makes my eyes roll so hard I can see my brain.

I gotta go see a man about a lollipop.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What’s bugging you?  Surely I’m not the only one who sometimes feels the weight of all the tiny stuff is nearly overwhelming.  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

It’s Not Mess – It’s Safety Equipment

It’s Not Mess – It’s Safety Equipment

I saw a cool looking centerpiece on Pinterest. Of course I know if I make it, it will neither look like the Pinterest picture nor look cool.  But more importantly, where would I put it?

I don’t know about your family, but mine lives in constant fear of a sudden end of gravity.  And, as a result, we have prepared each and every horizontal and semi-horizontal surface in our home for such an eventuality by carefully and completely weighing down and covering every such surface.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Centerpieces Pinterest Clutter M&M’s Safety Gravity Kitchen Bathroom Counter Mess Dining Room TableOur kitchen counters are expertly weighted with canisters of flour, sugar, and what is labeled “coffee” but is actually my almond M&M’s stash.  Shhh!

Further ballast is provided by a giant stand mixer, a huge coffee maker (which makes only one cup at a time) (we don’t drink coffee.  It was a gift, so we have to have it visible), nearly every dish, glass, and piece of flatware we own, and assorted wrappers and recycling.  Sometimes last night’s pots offer their heft for the cause.

Often the only reason I’m certain we have a dining room table is because I know that something has to be holding up all of the library books, tax forms, school papers, glitter glue, ice skates, and critter cages.

One would think that our bathroom counters would be a virtual wasteland, what with my pack member’s seeming inability to locate their soap, toothbrushes, shampoo, towels, and hair brushes.  But, somehow every bathroom counter is full of items which apparently belong to no one in our household.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Centerpieces Pinterest Clutter M&M’s Safety Gravity Kitchen Bathroom Counter Mess Dining Room TableHomeless toothpaste, wash cloths, scubbies, lotion, and the like gather to provide the necessary gravity aide as needed.  Occasionally, a nearly empty cereal bowl complete with spoon will be hidden amongst the flotsam.  Last week I saw two half eaten donuts and an empty ravioli can.  Their appearance is apparently unassisted by any member of our family, each of whom claim to have never seen any of the items in question, much less used them and left them there.

As an added safety precaution, each of the horizontal and semi-horizontal surfaces in our home are also equipped with Hydra-like powers.  So, clearing off a surface only makes the mass regenerate itself twice over.

We take safety seriously here.

I have to be careful to keep in mind the true nature of this accumulation, and to constantly remind my OCD self of its true purpose, lest I flip out unwarrantedly.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Centerpieces Pinterest Clutter M&M’s Safety Gravity Kitchen Bathroom Counter Mess Dining Room TableI have to remind myself that my pack members are not the slobs they appear to be.  I have to stop threatening to install a giant garbage disposal in every room.  They are not trying to steal what little sanity I have left.

My pack members are, in fact, safety officers working hard to prevent the injuries in our home that would be caused by tables and chairs and counter tops suddenly flying through the air.

It’s not mess. It’s safety equipment.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

How is your family protecting you?  Does clutter drive you as crazy as it does me?  What is the clutter magnet in your home?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Where The Heck Is Miss Manners?

Where The Heck Is Miss Manners?

by Gina Valley

I don’t like to offend people.  Most of the time.

I try to do the right thing.  Almost always.

But, sometimes it’s hard to know what to do.  Some situations present themselves at a time or place where Googling “What the heck should I do now?” isn’t a viable option.

Where is Miss Manners when I need her?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Miss Manners Etiquette Shaving Public Bathrooms Toilet Paper Gasoline Pumps Station Sandwiches Target Overweight Embarrassment.

I’ve got some questions.  I need some answers.

What is the etiquette when the woman 2 rows in front of me at my nephew’s basketball game announces loudly, “But, I shaved my armpits.”?  Did someone ask her?  Should I offer congratulations? Am I supposed to issue a fur status report about myself in response?

What is proper toilet paper etiquette when I’m traveling? What am I supposed to do when the tube is empty at my mom’s house?  I have come to realize it’s my sworn duty as a mom to change it, but she’s a mom, too.  Which of us should change it?  It’s her house, but it was used up by my kids.   Should I change the roll, or switch into kid mode and pretend I didn’t notice it was empty?  Is there some middle ground, like setting a new roll on top of the empty roll?  I don’t want to step on her toes.

What am I supposed to do according to public bathroom etiquette when a woman comes out of the stall in the bathroom at the filling station, bypasses the sink, grabs a paper towel, and heads out the door?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Miss Manners Etiquette Shaving Public Bathrooms Toilet Paper Gasoline Pumps Station Sandwiches Target Overweight Embarrassment.

Do I start singing Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness in an effort to jolt her out of her filthy reality and back to the sink and soap?  When I see her preparing a chili dog for herself in the station’s minimart is it wrong to grab my children and run out screaming?  Is it wrong to spray her with Purell?

And, when I get outside and back to our van and the woman at the gasoline pump in front of ours is smoking an extra-long menthol while she fills up her Rambler, am I required by etiquette to run over her to ensure her genes will be out of the gene pool?  Or, is it ok if we just get out of the blast zone as quickly as we can?

What does etiquette require I do when my youngest nephew says, “This sandwich is the best one I ever had, Auntie G! It’s even better than the ones my mummy makes!”?   Am I allowed to call and gloat, I mean share the cuteness, with my sister?  Or, should I just post it on Facebook for the whole world to see?

What am I supposed to do when I’m going through the line at the Big Red Store with my 2 year old and he takes a good long look at the extremely large cashier, and says, “Whoo, that’s a big one!”?   Am I supposed to dig my own hole to crawl into to die from embarrassment in, or will that be dug for me?  Should I blot out of the store? Or should I stay and tell everyone that’s he’s a neighbor’s kid?

If you see Miss Manners, get her cell number so I can text her.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What questionable etiquette situations have you been in?  What did you do?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it!

If I’m Ugly It’s Cuz My Kids Didn’t Put The Milk Away

If I’m Ugly It’s Cuz My Kids Didn’t Put The Milk Away

by Gina Valley

They always leave the milk out.  Always.

I’m not sure if they’re trying to drive me insane by pretending they don’t hear my many reminders to return the cow juice to its frosty home, or if they are trying to help me save money by making cheese, but my pack never puts the milk away. Ever.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Milk Spill Mess Paper Towels Rushing Hair Appointment UglySo, I was cruising through the house, turning off every light (because you know darn well they left every single light on in every single room when they left for the day, even though it’s morning and no one even needs a light), and locking doors on my way out.  My hair appointment was my first stop of the day, and, from the looks of things (and by “things” I mean “my hair”,) it was the most important stop, too.

I was hurrying because I didn’t want to risk running late.  My hair lady is always booked solid and running on schedule.  Plus, today was the reschedule from my last appointment.  I had to skip that one this past weekend due to my…uh…stomach flu sudden output issues.  For the sake of everyone that has to look at me, I didn’t want to miss this one.

As I approached the breakfast table my mom-dar immediately honed in on the large, plastic, sweating vessel in the midst of the table.  There in the center of the table sat the gallon of milk.  Grrr.  I could practically hear its bacteria count getting ready to double every 20 minutes (thank you, Discovery Channel,  for that disturbing tidbit of information).

I felt a nearly overwhelming case of “Oh, brother! Why me?  I’m such a martyr. Totally unappreciated. I have to do everything myself!” blues coming on. Tasked as I was to handle the saving of the milk, I exhaled in my most martyr-like way, just in case someone invisible was nearby and unaware of the tremendous amount of effort I make for every flippin’ person on the planet, and grasped the jug.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Milk Spill Mess Paper Towels Rushing Hair Appointment UglyI hauled it to the kitchen, and opened the fridge (while uttering another martyr like sigh).  Naturally, I used the travel time to remind myself, and anyone invisible nearby, that I always put away everything I use. I’m pretty sure I have since I was an infant (I’ll have to ask my mom about that again.  She just laughed and laughed the last time I tried to confirm that with her).

Then, I slid the gallon jug of non-fat white stuff into its slot in the top shelf of the door of the fridge

Well, at least that’s what I meant to do.

What I actually did was bump into the edge of the shelf while in the process of putting the jug of milk onto it, jolting the jug, and causing the wet plastic container to slip out of my hand.  I watched, vainly hoping it would land upright, as the nearly full gallon container sank, in what appeared to be slow motion, toward the floor.

It did in fact land upright, but my joy was cut short when the force of the impact with the floor was telegraphed up from the floor and through the milk.  This homemade jet power first forced the lid off of the gallon, sending it into a high trajectory, over my head and into our dining room.  I didn’t see exactly where it landed because I was watching the second act – the milk fountain.

I’m not sure if the milk was happy to be out for a jaunt, or angry it had been roused from its slumber, but either way, the result was the same.

A geyser that would have made Old Faithful jealous.

It didn’t hit the ceiling, but it hit everything else.  The cabinets, the floor, and I were all dripping.  There was a charming milkfall pouring off of the refrigerator.  I wasn’t even sure where to start sopping things up.  Naturally, you start at the top, but the top of what?  The cabinets?  The refrigerator?  Me?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Milk Spill Mess Paper Towels Rushing Hair Appointment Ugly

I established paper towel berms at the bottom of the refrigerator to stem the tide of under the fridge milk flow.  I can tell you from experience it doesn’t take long for that environment to produce a “time to burn the house down” kind of smell when you add some milk to it.  Warm air and free-range milk are never a good combination.
I wiped down the cabinets, and then dried the fridge, all the while thinking that milk is probably not what my hair lady meant when she said that I could use any kind of leave in conditioner.

I sopped up enough of the milk from my clothes to stop the dripping, and then dried up the floor.  Have I mentioned how glad I am that we buy the boxcar-size pack of paper towels at Costco?

I pulled out my phone while I started up the stairs.  I was thankful it had somehow escaped the milk invasion.  After all, it‘s still pretty irritated with me for letting it fall off of my parents’ dock last summer.  Its flash has never recovered.

As I searched for my hair lady’s phone number I wondered how many times clients had needed to reschedule due to needing to take their third shower of the day.  First water.  Then milk.  Soon water again.  I was not about to sit under a dryer with milk in my hair.  There are some smells that you don’t want to risk sharing in public.

Even if it means you have to reschedule your appointment.  Again.

If she can’t get me in soon, keep in mind, it’s my kids’ fault I’m ugly.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Any sudden deluges at your home recently?  How about a surprise pop-in visitor?  What’s keeping you on your toes this week?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

You’re A Big Help…Not!

You’re A Big Help…Not!

by Gina Valley

Dear Family,

Thank you to whichever child put the bag of condiments from Del Taco away last week.  It’s always nice when someone puts something away.Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Cleaning Helping Letters To My Family Tacos Condiments Mistakes  And, whoever you are, you put it right where it goes on the shelf in the pantry. Good job.

It’s a rare and special treat for me, as your mom, to see that at least one of my off-spring has at last come to realize, not only do things have a location they should be stored in, but also that any individual in our home is welcome to put things away at any time without first obtaining a special permit.

Perhaps soon one of you will be able to lift her own wet towel off of the bathroom floor, and to hang it on the rack in her bedroom.

Maybe someone will be able to put his shoes into his closet without prompting.

Soon, I imagine dishes will simply vanish at the conclusion of our meals, only to reappear prepped and loaded into the dishwasher.  This could be a sign of clean things to come!

Again, I appreciate your effort.

Love,

mom

Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Cleaning Helping Letters To My Family Tacos Condiments MistakesPS

By the way – unfortunately – that was not the bag of condiments.

That was the bag of tacos.

PPS

The search for the mysterious source of the stench of death coming from the pantry is now over.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Anyone been a big “help” to you lately?  Shoot me a comment.  I look forward to hearing all about it!