gina valley

The Glamorous Life Of The Modern Day Soccer Mom

gina valley - The Glamorous Life Of The Modern Day Soccer Mom

I Wish I Had Lofty Goals

I Wish I Had Lofty Goals

I wish I had lofty goals.

I started a new project this week, and, as it always does, adding something new into my schedule triggered a need within me to re-evaluate my goals.

After all, I jam pack my 24 hours to just past the full line just like everyone else.  Putting something new in, means taking something out.  The best way for me to pick what goes is to think about what I really want.

So, last night I thought about what I really want, and I discovered something.  Something that I figured would be perfect to share with you on Throwback Day this week, because it brought to mind a column I wrote back in July (much of which I have incorporated below).

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Goals Bathroom Interruptions Alone Lofty Nobel Prize Grammy Adjusted Expectations

I realized I wish I had lofty goals, but I don’t.

I wish my deepest desire was to put out the next best seller or to climb to the top of Yosemite’s Half Dome or to finally fit into those single-digit, purple pants that’ve been hanging in the back of my closet for 4 years.

But, I am a parent, and the true definition of parenthood is adjusted expectations.

And, at this point in my life I have adjusted the heck out of my expectations.

Much as I see the value of leading a Fortune 500 company or winning a Grammy, truth be told, my heart does not long for grand accomplishments.

I wouldn’t throw it out, but it’s not the Nobel Prize I’m craving.

I wish I had lofty goals, but honestly the thing I want most is to go to the bathroom.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Goals Bathroom Interruptions Alone Lofty Nobel Prize Grammy Adjusted ExpectationsI want to go to the bathroom.

Alone.

Untimed

Unharassed

Unbothered

Unquestioned

No tiny fingers reaching under the door.

No wet noses or fuzzy paws trying to squeeze through.

No jiggling of the knob, sliding down the door, waiting in the hall.

I don’t even mind replacing the toilet paper and filling the hand soap and picking up the towel while I’m in there.

If I could just, please, go to the bathroom alone.  Alone.

I don’t want to sign your permission slip.  Don’t slide it under the door.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Goals Bathroom Interruptions Alone Lofty Nobel Prize Grammy Adjusted ExpectationsI don’t want to see the big, green beetle you found in your room or the hole the bird just made in your shorts or the fuzzy stuff on the cheese.

I don’t want to smell your toy truck or your cousin’s picture book or the flower you just picked (ok, put the flower in water. I’ll smell that later).

I don’t want to braid your hair, measure the rice, or put the case on your pillow.

I don’t want to unlock the door so you can give me the cordless phone.

I don’t want to answer the very important phone call from the man who has a “terrific opportunity” for me.

I don’t want to return a text to your brother.   Do not shove my cell phone under the door.  Again.

I do not want to get the knot out of your shoelaces, the gum out of your hair, or the squished banana out of your backpack.

I don’t want to discuss what the big deal is with JFK or whether global warming is real or who invented the internet.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Goals Bathroom Interruptions Alone Lofty Nobel Prize Grammy Adjusted ExpectationsI don’t want to explain why 2x2 + 7x – 6 = 0 or why King Henry 8th went through so many wives or why mitosis is different than meiosis.

I don’t want to know how you know the lunch lady wasn’t wearing underpants today, or why your teacher said a cuss word or what made Evan throw up during math.

No, I will not open the door so you can hear me better.  I mumbled that because I was cussing at your constant interruptions and I did not want you to hear it.

I do not want to discuss what’s for dinner, where your green shirt with the little picture of a monkey on it is, or what the weather will be like tomorrow so you can pick out your outfit.

I do not want to talk about why you have to leave the lizard in the yard or why your arm is sticky or why LaRissa’s boyfriend is a pig (he is, but if she’s giving out the milk for free he’s never gonna….Never mind. That’s not the point here).

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Goals Bathroom Interruptions Alone Lofty Nobel Prize Grammy Adjusted Expectations

I don’t want to know what the dog just ate, what your brother just said or why your knee smells funny.

I don’t want to hear you burp the alphabet backwards, explain why it’s your sister’s fault you can’t do a handstand, or hear the weird sound the hamster’s making.

I don’t want to guess what or guess who or guess why.

I don’t want to discuss anything.

I don’t want to see anything.

I don’t want to do anything.

I WANT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!

By myself.

That’s all.

May I please go to the bathroom?!?!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Have your goals have changed over the years? Why do you think that is?  What is something you really want right now?  Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

It Ain’t Lonely In My Bathroom – Throwback

It Ain’t Lonely In My Bathroom – Throwback

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Bathroom Privacy Disruptions Dog BarkingI was in the bathroom…uh…processing last evening when I heard our dog barking at something in the backyard.

I was concerned that his barking might disturb our neighbors.  I was also concerned that his noise was disturbing my alone time with the loo, as it was apparent that no one else was going to call him into the house.

I got a pretty good case of self-pity going right there in the throne room, you know:

“Whoa, is me! Why do I have to do everything? How come I have to rush through my paperwork to let the dog in? Is everyone else chained to a piano?  That’s OK, I’ll take care of it.  Really, you guys just do whatever you’re doing.  I wouldn’t want you to mess up your busy evening just so I could go to the bathroom in peace…”

About that time I realized it was almost 10:30pm, so all of our pack was sleeping, and The Professor had a late lecture and wasn’t home yet.  Yes, I would in fact have to wrap things up as quickly as possible, so I could call our dog back into our house.  But, no, no one was being selfish. They were just being asleep or being not home at the time.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Bathroom Privacy Disruptions Dog BarkingI was glad my rant had stayed in my head and not been heard by my pack.  I was thankful they were sleeping, because if they were awake, there would have been a listening crowd right outside the bathroom door, attempting to establish communications and a system of trade with me.

That reminded me of how infrequently I get to use the bathroom undisturbed.  Having to rush through filing my paperwork and washing my hands to take care of the dog is, in general, a rather uneventful bathroom experience for me, compared to most of mine.

So, I thought for Throwback Day this week it would be fun to visit my I Want To Go To The Bathroom post.  Here’s a few squares worth of what you’ll find there:

I want to go to the bathroom.

Alone.

Untimed

Unharassed

Unbothered

Unquestioned

No tiny fingers reaching under the door.

No wet noses or fuzzy paws trying to squeeze through.

No jiggling of the knob, sliding down the door, waiting in the hall.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Bathroom Privacy Disruptions Dog BarkingI don’t even mind replacing the toilet paper, filling the hand soap, and picking up the towel.

If I could please go to the bathroom alone.  Alone.

I don’t want to sign your permission slip. Don’t slide it under the door.

I don’t want to see the big, green beetle you found in your room or the hole the bird just made in your shorts or the fuzzy stuff on the cheese.

I don’t want to smell the toy truck or your….

I’ll meet you over at I Want To go To The Bathroom for the rest of the giggles.  You bring the chocolate. I’ll bring the laughs!

As always, the extra click to get there counts as cardio.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Is your bathroom an Inner Sanctum of Isolation or Grand Central Station?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

The Elusive Mr. Loo

The Elusive Mr. Loo

Dear Mr. Loo,

We spend a great part of each and every road trip in search of you, Mrs. Loo, the Kids Loo, your whole clan really.

I wonder if you might be willing to answer a few questions from a weary, loo follower.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Loo Toilet Bathroom Restroom Rest Stop Toilet Paper Seat Covers Freeway Expressway The Hulk Padlock Art Jet EngineWhat’s the deal with you on the road?  Why are you so hard to find?  Why is it the greater our off-loading needs the farther you are from the freeway?  How come the chance of you being anywhere within a 15 mile radius is inversely proportional to the urgency of our need to visit you?

Do you give off some sort of chemical scent that tells the Whopper I had for lunch that it’s time for it to live up to its name and to immediately trigger an urgent need to off-load 30 seconds after we drive past the exit you are conveniently located next to, knowing that you are nowhere to be found at the next 27 off-ramps?

Why is the chance of you being battened and padlocked directly proportional to the number of little girls who “need to make a boom-boom right now!” traveling in my car?

Who plants the trees in front of those signs that mention, “Oh, by the way, the next time Mr. Loo will be available is 600 miles down the road so you might want to perform a pre-emptive off-load”?

Why are you so difficult to work with even after we do finally catch up with you?

Who installed your off-loading cubicles?  Was it The Thin Man?  Was stretchy Mrs. Incredible the contractor?  Could any woman really sign off on the design of those things?  Why do I have to stand in the toilet to close the door?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Loo Toilet Bathroom Restroom Rest Stop Toilet Paper Seat Covers Freeway Expressway The Hulk Padlock Art Jet Engine

Are seat cover holders considered to be valuable, appealing art?  Would putting actual seat covers into them ruin the perfectly balanced aesthetics of the artfully-designed holder?  Is that why they’re usually empty?

What’s up with the seat cover dispensers that you push the lever down on to dispense the covers?  Are they supposed to give you 42 covers at a time?  Did anyone do any beta testing on these things?

Do the seat cover dispenser engineers think it is especially hygienic to have the 59 visitors handle and re-undispense the stack of seat covers prior to me selecting my personal protective, high-security tissue paper-based, germ-sealing equipment?

How about the toilet paper dispensers?  Why, whether we travel far or near, do we invariably seem to have 1 of 3 options presented to us? Is no paper, the most common option, even a real option at all?

How come those super-gigantic rolls never seem to have an end so we can never actually use any of their bountiful toilet paperness?  Is the reason they last so long not because of their size, but because no one can get any paper off of what appears to be a roll  of toilet paper hijacked from The Hulk?  Did they ask him before they took his TP? Don’t they know we won’t like him when he’s angry?

How come the other option is regular sized rolls in a dispenser that conveniently holds two rolls to ensure a readily available supply, but actually just ensures we will only be able to pull off finger nail-sized scraps of tissue to use to complete our paperwork?

How come invariably the top roll has dispensed before the bottom roll is gone causing them to both be jammed together in the bottom of the dispenser making it impossible to use either roll in the intended unrolling manner they were designed to be used in?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Loo Toilet Bathroom Restroom Rest Stop Toilet Paper Seat Covers Freeway Expressway The Hulk Padlock Art Jet EngineWhy do the automatic flushing mechanisms refuse to work anytime other than when I am seated and processing?  And, why is the flush either so weak that it only produces a tiny ripple, reminiscent of that caused by a tadpole surfacing for air, or a flush, apparently powered by Space Shuttle’s Rocket engines, so strong that it nearly sucks my purse and my 2 year old down the drain?

And, why, after surviving all of that, do I again have to stand in the toilet to open the door to get out before I head to the sink that has no soap, no towels, and only trickles out 1 teaspoon of water at a time?

Do you realize how thankful you make me for wipies, diapers, and that I’m driving a rental car?

Sincerely,

Pilgrim

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

How has Mr. Loo foiled your road trips?  Has he made you giggle or made you pull your hair out?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Are you hanging out with me on Facebook and Twitter, too?  If not, let’s hook up and laugh together today!  And, be sure to sign up for my email notifications at the top of this page so you don’t miss a giggle.

Off-loading Zone Ed

Off-loading Zone Ed

by Gina Valley

Dear Family,

I’m excited to announce that today you’re all invited to an exciting, new continuing education workshop:

The Bathroom – The Official Behind The Scenes Tour

(Yes, pun is intended).

We have an amazing, fun day of informative classes planned for you, including:

  • An Empty Tube Is A Lonely Tube – Toilet Paper Installation 101
  • Flushing – Keep The Mystery Alive
  • Where To Put Mommy’s Keys – Places That Are NOT The ToiletHumor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Loo Bathroom Toilet Paper Flushing Keys
  • Toilet Paper:  Friend or Foe?
  • Completing The Job –How To Properly File Paperwork
  • What’s That Splashing Sound? – Toilet VS Waterfall
  • Be An Innie, Not An Outie – When To Lock The Door
  • Bathroom VS Dining Room – Why Your Food Should NOT Be In There With You, No Matter How Long You’re Planning To Stay
  • Soap – Not Just For Bubbles Anymore
  • A Flushed Toilet Is A Happy Toilet
  • Water Whisperer – How To Turn Off The Faucet
  • Stuffed Animals, Tonka Trucks & Mommy’s Keys – What NOT To Flush
  • No Snoring Allowed – Bathroom VS Bedroom
  • Rubbish Bin Operation – Use Permit NOT Required
  • Anatomy Of A Toilet – What’s That Lever For?

At the conclusion of our workshop, please convene in the living room for our latest seminar:

Mysterious Electrical Arts Or How To Turn Off A Light.

I’m looking forward to our time together!

Love,

Mom

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Be sure to enroll in Fridge Ed and Gooey Trash Ed to further your education.

Do you have any suggestions for our curriculum?   I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.  Quick – shoot me a comment before someone locks the cat in the bathroom with the water running.  Again.

I Want To Go To The Bathroom!

I Want To Go To The Bathroom!

I want to go to the bathroom.Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Privacy Bathroom Alone Cell Phone Cordless Discuss See Smell Soap Toilet Paper Towel Green Beetle Door Lock

Alone.

Untimed

Unharassed

Unbothered

Unquestioned

No tiny fingers reaching under the door.

No wet noses or fuzzy paws trying to squeeze through.

No jiggling of the knob, sliding down the door, waiting in the hall.

I don’t even mind replacing the toilet paper, filling the hand soap, and picking up the towel.

If I could please go to the bathroom alone.  Alone.

I don’t want to sign your permission slip. Don’t slide it under the door.

Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Privacy Bathroom Alone Cell Phone Cordless Discuss See Smell Soap Toilet Paper Towel Green Beetle Door Lock I don’t want to see the big, green beetle you found in your room or the hole the bird just made in your shorts or the fuzzy stuff on the cheese.

I don’t want to smell the toy truck or your cousin’s picture book, or the flower you just picked (ok, put the flower in water. I’ll smell that later).

I don’t want to braid your hair, measure the rice, or put the case on your pillow.

I don’t want to unlock the door so you can give me the cordless phone.

I don’t want to answer the very important phone call from the man who has a “terrific opportunity” for me.

I don’t want to return a text to your brother, so don’t try to shove my cell phone under the door.  Again.

No, I will not open the door so you can hear me better.  I mumbled that because I was cussing at your constant interruptions and I did not want you to hear it.

I do not want to discuss what’s for dinner, where your green shirt with the little picture of a monkey on it is, or what the weather will be like tomorrow so you can pick out your outfit.  Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Privacy Bathroom Alone Cell Phone Cordless Discuss See Smell Soap Toilet Paper Towel Green Beetle Door Lock

I do not want to talk about why you have to leave the lizard in the yard or why your arm is sticky or why LaRissa’s boyfriend is a pig (he is, but if she’s giving out the milk for free he’s never gonna….Never mind. That’s not the point here).

I don’t want to know what the dog just ate, what your brother just said or why your knee smells funny.

I don’t want to hear you burp the alphabet backwards, explain why it’s your sister’s fault you can’t do a handstand, or hear the weird sound the hamster is making.

I don’t want to discuss anything.

I don’t want to see anything.

I don’t want to do anything.

I WANT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!

By myself.

That’s all.

May I please go to the bathroom?!?!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Been there?  Tried to do that?  Please, shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Please Don’t Eat the Chocolate Chips!!!

Please Don’t Eat the Chocolate Chips!!!

by Gina Valley

Dear Family,

I would appreciate it if you would not eat the chocolate chips.  I bought those to make cookies with. 

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley  chocolate chips imaginary pets bathroom bunny rabbit

But, if you are going to eat the chocolate chips, I would appreciate it if you would not eat them in the bathroom because eating in the bathroom is disgusting.  

But, if you are going to eat the chocolate chips in the bathroom, I would appreciate it if you would not leave a little trail of them across the floor because it looks like bunny poop and causes me to waste my already taxed brain power attempting to figure out when we got a bunny and how did he know that was the bathroom.

As always, thank you for your cooperation.

Love,

mom

Laugh Out Loud!!!

-gina

Does your family eat in the bathroom?  Am I the only one this grosses out?  Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing from you!