I’ve been sick for a couple weeks now. Don’t worry – it’s nothing serious. Just a mutant cold of some kind. Annoying, but far from seriously harmful. I’ve been confined to my room for about 10 days, though, in an effort to keep this nasty bug from infecting my family and the rest of the world.
As I’ve whiled the days away blowing my nose and trying to sleep, I’ve come up with a few rules for my family to, hopefully, keep our home from completely collapsing while I’m laid up.
My family, predictably, met these with many, whiny complaints. But, the joke’s on them. My head’s so stuffed up I can’t hear a single thing they say.
Top 10 Rules While Mom’s Sick
#1. Do not wake up mom unless there’s an emergency. Not a “she’s wearing my shoes!” emergency. A real emergency. Remember, a real emergency is when someone or something is on fire or someone is bleeding profusely from the head, AND 911 puts you on hold.
#2. Feed the dogs dog food and only dog food. The dogs will tell you they prefer waffles, candy bars, and cubes of butter. But, they will fail to remind you these, along with most non-dog food foods, give them projectile diarrhea.
#3. The dogs having projectile diarrhea is not an emergency. Do not wake up mom to tell her about it. Your dad is the current on-call PDC (Projectile Diarrhea Czar). Please refer all cases of projectile diarrhea, canine or otherwise, directly to him.
#4. No fire of any kind may be produced or used for any reason within 100 yards of our house by anyone at any point. If the electrical grid crashes, aliens invade, or the dog has a birthday sit there in the dark and hope for the best. Quietly. Sit very quietly. Aliens have especially good hearing.
#5. You must go to school every day. Your willingness to stay home to serve as Netflix Selection Connoisseur is appreciated. However, suffering through a few lonely, silent hours each day so you can further your education is a sacrifice mom is willing to make. Very willing.
#6. You must wear shoes to school every day. And, the shoes must fit you, belong to you, and match each other. You may not wear any shoes purchased to serve as part of a costume to school without prior written consent from mom.
#7. Needing written consent from mom to wear the blue, fuzzy heels which are part of your Mrs. Sulley costume to school is not an emergency. Do not wake up mom to ask for it.
#8. Your dad putting jar sauce on the pasta is not an emergency. Do not wake up mom to whine about this or any other non-homemade food offense, no matter how heinous you find it.
#9. Your dad may not play any sports of any kind with any you while mom’s sick, including but not limited to soccer, basketball, and tackle board games (ie Tackle Sorry, Tackle Uno, Tackle & Complain Monopoly, etc), all of which have resulted in your dad needing crutches in the past. If your dad ends up on crutches while mom’s sick, you’re all grounded. Including your dad.
#10. Gagging because you have to wash dirty dishes is not an emergency. Do not wake up mom to complain about it. Remember, washing dishes will not result in great harm to you. Hiding the dirty dishes in the backyard again might.
If in doubt, clean something.
And, do not wake up mom.
Laugh Out Loud! (quietly, mom’s trying to sleep)
Do you have some rules for while mom is sick I should add to my list? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.
Photo courtesy of Freeimages.com – Used with permission.