No Stretchy Pants Necessary!
How To Eat Everything This Holiday Season AND Lose Weight
With the holidays coming up I’m sure I’m not the only one concerned about potential holiday weight gain. So, I’ve been researching holiday foods, the calories these foods present, and techniques to reduce calorie absorption.
I’m happy to report I have found an amazing number of ways to enjoy all of your favorite holiday gnoshings without blowing your calorie budget. In fact, if you apply all my findings to your holiday eating you might actually lose weight.
Wouldn’t it be great not to have to pretend you are going to follow through on yet another New Year’s resolution to lose weight?
Well, cross that off of your list because here is all of the information you need to plan out your holiday eating for weight control success.
Broken cookies have no calories. The breaks cause the calories to leak out. Brownie crumbs are calorie free for the same reason.
Diet Coke paired with anything cancels out the calories in its food companion due to some sort of complicated bio-chemical reaction (I don’t know if this works with Diet Pepsi or not. Studies are still pending). That’s why so many skinny people order a Big Mac, large fries, and a Diet Coke. How do you think they got so skinny?
Drinks ingested solely to stave off your “Throat Punchitis” that flares up every time your racist, sexist, moron of a brother-in-law speaks are considered medicinal and thus calorie free.
Fudge with nuts in it is considered a protein and therefore has calories equivalent to an equally sized piece of steamed, boneless, skinless chicken breast.
If you stand while eating, gravity pulls the calories down through your body, out through the soles your feet, and into the center of the earth. This is why the earth weighs so much. Make sure you remain standing for several minutes after you finish eating to fully reap the benefits of this technique. I think we have all seen people who sat down too soon and ended up trapping all of their calories near their rear end region.
Socializing while eating removes half of the calories from your food. So, if you eat standing up while you socialize you will actually lose weight.
A chemical reaction occurs between green leafy vegetables and fatty foods that dissolves all calories. So, doubling up the lettuce on your bacon double cheeseburger or ham and cheese on rye removes the calories. If you have it with a Diet Coke you might get light headed from a lack of sustenance, so be sure to have a cookie, too, to keep your strength up (just be sure the cookie isn’t broken!).
If you eat something because your kid took a bite and didn’t like it or if you eat the last serving in a dish to save the hostess from having to put it away or if you had seconds just to stroke the self-esteem of the chef there are no calories in that food due to the Physics Theorem of Karma.
For every serving of nasty tasting healthy food you eat solely to keep peace in the family one serving of dessert or bacon of equal or lessor size will have no calories due to a corollary of the Physics Theorem of Karma.
Due to the Law of Food Thermodynamics for Marriage Preservation, for every serving of your mother-in-law’s Casserole That Smells Like Armpits you eat without complaint you can eat two serving of chocolate or an entire bag of pork rinds calorie free. You are also entitled to the good lovin’, but that is a topic for another column.
Food eaten while driving on the freeway has no calories because calories cannot travel over 50 miles per hour.
Food eaten to stay awake during the slide show of your sister’s 54 entries into the county fair’s table setting competition or your uncle’s 6 hour video complete with monotone narration of the Civil War battle fields of the entire state of Virginia, as seen through his motor home’s window, while traveling 75 miles per hour on the expressway have no calories due to the extra calories burned transferring their energy to the “Stay Awake” part of the brain. This follows the same calorie usage physics principle that the donuts at business meetings do.
Any cookies, milk, or other goodies consumed on behalf of fictional characters are calorie free due to the Santa Clause of Physics.
I’m sure we’ll all be shopping at the single digits rack by New Years!
Laugh Out Loud!
What is the biggest strain on staying in shape during the holidays for you? Are you surrendering until January or are you staging an all-out assault now? What is your favorite holiday yummy? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.
DoniNovember 14, 2012
Gina — this is SO funny. And yes, I’ve “justified” many a dessert, appetizer, or second helping using one of your many well-researched points above.
My biggest issue is, and has always been, portion control. I could be ready to explode, but if it tastes amazing — I will not stop shoveling food into my gourd.
That’s why I have a 24 mile run planned for the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Well, that and I’m training for a marathon.
Which brings me to a point you left out. Carb loading. My run could be in one week or one year, but I can usually come up with a way to categorize/blame a binge as carb loading.
gina valleyNovember 21, 2012
Thank you, Doni! I am so glad to share some giggles with you.
I hear you on not stopping when it tastes yummy. We have a running joke about that here. My brother-in-law once said that you are not full until you throw up a little. Every time someone claims to be full, we ask them about that. 🙂
Congratulations on training for a marathon. Good for you!
I will have to borrow your idea and be sure to add carb loading for future runs to my next list. 🙂