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La Crosse Makes Me La Stupid

La Crosse Makes Me La Stupid

by Gina Valley

Son#2 took up La Crosse this year, and we’ve all been confused ever since.

We’re a big sports family.   We follow the pros and college teams for a variety of sports. We love to go to games, and argue over brackets.  We all have our favorite teams, and have a great time harassing each other about who’s favorite is doing the best.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley La Crosse Makes Me La Stupid Sports Cussing F-BombsBut, by far my favorite sports activity is to watch the teams my kids are on.  Unlike The Professor and me, our children are gifted athletes.  Apparently it skips a generation (enthusiasm I have.  Skill, not so much).

I’ve been on the sidelines cheering for my children at soccer, basketball, football, baseball, volleyball, hockey, archery, and tennis.  According to ESPN, I can throw dance, chess, and spelling bees into that athletic pile, too.  I’ve coached volleyball, soccer, and baseball.

I have a pretty good grasp of the basics for most sports, and a great depth of knowledge for a few.

But, this La Crosse thing has thrown me for a loop.

I’ve been to 10 or 12 games now, and I still can’t figure out what’s going on.  I mentioned this to my buddy Joan, because Joan’s son has played La Crosse for years.  I expected to receive some helpful tips about the basics of the sport or some suggestions for further reading.

Not what I got.

Apparently, even after having been involved in the sport for years, Joan is still nearly as confused as I am.  In fact, instead of a clarification of the rules, Joan told me about how during several games refs had paused play in order to explain some rules to parents and spectators.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley La Crosse Makes Me La Stupid Sports Cussing F-BombsExcellent.

It’s a strange sport.  I wonder if Google even knows the rules.

First off, they toss around a ball that’s supposedly made of rubber, but actually feels like it’s composed of lead or granite.  They use sticks with baskets on the end to do this.  That’s right, a basket on the end of a stick.  I think maybe 6 year olds made up this game on a rainy day when they were stuck inside for recess.

The baskets and the sticks players use are clearly many different sizes.  Son#2 said that this is based on the position a player usually plays, but I think he might be making that up.  I’ve noticed sticks in varying sizes from stubby sticks less than the length of my arm to long sticks that are taller than I am.

From where I sit in the stands, most of the baskets are about the size of a cantaloupe, although, as they’re a multitude of colors, it’s hard to say for sure.  The guy that hangs out near what I assume is the goal, although that might just be the hockey in me coming out, has a basket bigger than a tennis racket.  He looks like he’s prepared to catch watermelon in it.

Son#2 has a middle-sized stick with a middle-sized basket, and he is a midfielder.  I don’t know if there’s a correlation.   I do know that I’ve never seen him in the middle of the field, so I’m not clear on why his position is called midfielder.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley La Crosse Makes Me La Stupid Sports Cussing F-BombsBased on what I’ve seen at the games so far, all the players, with the possible exception of the goalie (if that is in fact his real name), are playing the same position, and it should be called “Run-Around-Like-A-Swarm-Of-Bees-Is-Chasing-You-And-Smack-People-With-Your-Stick.”  Now that I think about, my kids have been playing this in our backyard for years.

Odd as the equipment is, though, the wardrobe is even odder.  Their lower half appears adorned for soccer, but without those pesky shin guards to protect their bones from the constant assault by sticks and the lead ball.  Their upper half appears to be decked out for tackle football, complete with pads and a large helmet.  I’m not sure, but I think they’re wearing hockey glove, too.

During the first game, I briefly wondered if the scoring was similar to golf where you want to get the lowest score possible, as at halftime our team had 2 and their opponent had 22.

But, with the assistance of some informative chants directed at the coaches by some other parents in the stands, I ascertained that we did in fact want to score more goals than the other team.  In fact the urgency conveyed by some of the suggestions offered to the coaches and referees led me to believe that the score of the game is quite possibly a life or death matter.

I mentioned to The Professor, as we sat watching a recent game, both wondering why a foul had been called against a player who seemed to be on the bench at the time, but not against a player who was smacking another repeatedly with his stick, that at first glance the game appeared to be something of a combination of hockey and soccer.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley La Crosse Makes Me La Stupid Sports Cussing F-BombsThe Professor asked if they had perhaps combined the bad parts of both.

He was joking, of course.  There are no bad parts in hockey.

At yesterday’s game while my head was in its usual La Crosse game fog, the right side of my body was being scorched by a hot spring sun, and the left side of my body was developing frost bite.  It was like standing on the planet Mercury.  Somehow it seemed fitting for the game.

As I sat there shivering and sweating I was treated to a performance by Super F Man.  Some might say he has a limited vocabulary.  I say he’s got a gift.  I mean, truly, the man deserves a cape.  He was able to string entire sentences together using virtually only the f word.  “F! That f’in’ f’er really f’in f’ed us up! F!”  He of course used the entire f-word, not just the one letter.  It was surprisingly entertaining to   listen to.

The man is a master.

I don’t think he knew the rules any better than I did, though.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Is there some activity you find mind boggling?  Do you have a favorite sport?  How you doin’?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

10 Responses
  • steve shapiro
    April 13, 2013

    It’s a game invented by the American Indians. But I’m sure you knew that, and you’re hiding that to make us laugh.

  • Brian Sorrell
    April 14, 2013

    I’m with you on this. Lacrosse is the backgammon of the sports world: there seems to be an awful lot going on, but I’m never sure what it is.

    In other sports news: my new home is home of the 2012 World Rugby Champions. As far as I can tell, rugby is an excellent excuse for two groups of extremely large people to brawl. When you get the ball, you have to stop brawling, so the idea is to pass the ball to the next poor sap who just wants to get back to the fight, and will pass it to the next poor sap, until finally someone kicks it as far as he can and the fight starts moving in the opposite direction. Much like lacrosse, I guess.

  • Liesl Testwuide
    April 14, 2013

    Funny, funny stuff. Enjoy your writing! Glad I found you on Pinterest.
    As a writer and mother of three athletic boys, I totally relate! Keep it coming!
    Liesl

  • rsrote
    April 15, 2013

    we have a pro La Crosse team –the first few years they were here I was lost too—after a few more I just gave up going cuz I never got it!!! =}

  • Jennifer H
    April 15, 2013

    Too funny! I don’t get that sport either. And I don’t care for hockey, or even learning about it. 🙂

  • Dominique Goh
    April 15, 2013

    That game really sounds complicating. I think I too wouldn’t get it even if I have read through the rule book for it.

  • Kristen
    April 15, 2013

    This is so hilarious. I love Super F-Man!! da-da-da-Dah! He fills his sentences with Fs at lightning speed! He hurls Fs a mile a minute! He’s F-Man!! Does he wear a big F on his shirt too? 🙂

  • EducateWithToys
    April 15, 2013

    As long as they all have fun, it doesn’t matter what the rules are! It sure is an interesting game to watch!

  • Regina
    April 15, 2013

    I used to understand sports when I was in high school. Honestly, I faked it. I didn’t get it then, I still dont get it now (football and basketball). Baseball, I understood.

    We are not athletic and either are our kids….yet

  • Patrick
    April 18, 2013

    I LOT of sports confuse me…but then I was never an athlete.

    I will never understand hockey’s “offside” rule. As it was explained to me, when you have the puck and you’re heading toward your goal, you have to be the first person to cross the line. That means all of the players to whom you’d pass the puck to score a goal have to be BEHIND you, which makes them completely USELESS, since you want the puck to head TOWARD the goal, not AWAY from it. Someone attempted to explain why it seemed “logical” to them, but after about thirty seconds my eyes glazed over.

    I suspect that Super F Man has probably followed several of his kids through Lacrosse for years, and after all that time, he’s reduced to this. Just a guess, mind you.