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I Need An Intervention

I Need An Intervention

by Gina Valley

The Food Network is like crack.

I know it’s bad for me, but I keep going right back to it time after time after time.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I like to cook. I love to cook, actually.  But, watching it makes me yearn to cook like they cook.  Nothing else will do.

I look at my cooking scenario and am nearly scream, “I can’t work like this!”

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Intervention Crack The Food Network Glass Bowls Ingredients Algebra Diorama Cowboys  Spun Sugar Cream Puff Meat CakeThe Food Network makes me realize that in order to prepare a proper piece of ingestible artistry I need to have my children off in a mysterious unspoken wonderland, a pristine kitchen, and all of the ingredients pre-measured into those cool little clear glass bowls.

I think we broke all of those bowls, and even if we have any, it would take me more than the hour long program to find them.   Half the time I can’t even find our carton of eggs.

How can I possibly create amazing culinary delights in my chaotic life after watching cooking Utopia?  It’s too depressing.  I don’t even have that magic sink that you drop dirty dishes into and they disappear during the commercial break.
I wish they would do cooking shows for real people. I don’t mean those reality shows where contestants are given cactus chunks, a tomato, 6 artichokes and an unlabeled can, and told to prepare a meal for eight cowboys in under one hour.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Intervention Crack The Food Network Glass Bowls Ingredients Algebra Diorama Cowboys Spun Sugar Cream Puff Meat Cake

How about a real show with real people showing real solutions to real problems.  Really.

How about a show where contestants must prepare a week’s worth of meals for preschoolers without using chicken nuggets, string cheese or Cheerios?  No fair reminding them that Jonny currently refuses to eat anything orange (color, not flavor) or that Lily will “die” if any of her different foods touch.

How about a show where the host has to paw and burrow through a real home’s cupboards in an effort to find the ingredients and the pan to make meatloaf before a 3 year old wakes up from her spontaneous nap, which can only mean she is getting sick, all while helping a 14 year old with her algebra homework and a 10 year old make a Diary if a Wimpy Kid diorama.

How about they show us how to make that cream puff tower surrounded by spun sugar while a mother-in-law hovers over every move, constantly repeating in a heavy, old world accent, “Oooh, the next time you see me, I’ll be dead,” without the chef engaging in eye-rolling or snappy comebacks, such as, “Don’t make promises you aren’t going to keep!”  That would be holiday magic.

How about they show us what to make when your stockyard-owning friends from Texas and that nice vegan couple with the peanut and soy allergies you met at the soccer tournament in Malibu both come over for dinner on the same night.  Surely, there is something that can be made for them all, besides reservations.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Intervention Crack The Food Network Glass Bowls Ingredients Algebra Diorama Cowboys Spun Sugar Cream Puff Meat Cake

And, how about a show where they make dinner with what we have when we have neither the basics nor time for a trip to the grocery store?  I’d love to see them come up with something yummy using only the slightly wilted lettuce, 2 cans of garbanzo beans, a half used tub of fromage blanc cheese, and the pound of ground meat left in the back of our fridge at the end of the week.  Now that would be a challenge.

Especially since I think that ground meat might actually be birthday cake from last month.

If you need me, I’ll be hiding from my kitchen.  And, the meat/cake.

I’ll probably be watching The Food Network.

I need an intervention.

Laugh  Out Loud!

-gina

Do you watch The Food Network?  Do you have a favorite show you love or love to hate? How about the other “reality” networks like HGTV or DIY or Lifetime?  Do you find inspiration or frustration?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing what you think.

17 Responses
  • Janine Huldie
    November 28, 2012

    Gina, I used love Giada and Sandra Lee, then I woke up and had kids and the rest is history. Seriously loved your version so much better, especially how they had to cook while a toddler woke up screaming from their nap. Classic and so true to life it is scary!!

    • gina valley
      November 30, 2012

      Thank you, Janine! I am so glad you liked it. I always love to share a giggle.
      I think that trying to work while a toddler is screaming at you is the truest test of focus!

  • Susan
    November 28, 2012

    Too funny!! George Carlin did a bit about meatcake in the fridge, years ago and it’s still funny! I’ve found it in my fridge too and yes, they need to tell me how to cook with what I have, not what THEY think I should have! 😀

    • gina valley
      November 30, 2012

      Thank you, Susan! I love to share a laugh!
      I love the bit George Carlin did comparing football and baseball. I still think about it every time I watch a game.
      I always seem to be unable to locate a key ingredient when I try to copy the TV chefs. I don’t know where they do their shopping!

  • Maggie Amada
    November 29, 2012

    Loved your post. Hilarious and so very true. I love to cook only when I don’t have to. My 4yo daughter loves to watch Food network and later demand I deliver whatever she watched, which I usually can’t. This week I have to figure out how to make a princess popstar cake or come up with a suitable replacement. Wish me luck!

    • gina valley
      November 30, 2012

      Thank you, Maggie! I am so glad you like it.
      Cooking feels like such a chore to me, too, when it’s the required, repetitive stuff. Do we really have to have dinner EVERY night?
      Good luck with the princess popstar cake! I’m sure it turned out great. Be sure to let me know what you did about that.

  • Baaaahaaahaaa! I LOVE Food Network too! YES, YES…I want to see shows like you’re talking about. I mean really who has pantries like those on TV. I would love to have all my spices measured out in those little glass dishes too but you know who’s gonna have to wash them…am I right??? Thanks for giving me a good chuckle AGAIN Gina! D

    • gina valley
      November 30, 2012

      Glad I gave you some giggles!
      Isn’t The Food Network so addictive?
      I love how they will say a dish is simple and then pull out some weird spice from Mars and act like we can pick it up at any convenience store. Lol!
      I want their magic “makes dirty dishes disappear” sink, too!

  • LookingfortheSweetSpot
    December 1, 2012

    This made my laugh out loud! I am defeated just looking at pictures of cooking finished products – I stay well away from the Food Network!!

    • gina valley
      January 20, 2013

      Thank you! I’m always happy to get to share a laugh!
      I get so frustrated when they whip up an example too fast for you to see and then pull out a hidden tray that was pre-made of spectacular looking ones. I’d like to see a human create one!

  • Tatted Mom
    December 3, 2012

    The Food Network is like my crack. I’m always inspired, then get into my kitchen and give up, lol. Found you through VoiceBoks, love your blog!! =)

    • gina valley
      December 3, 2012

      It’s my crack, too!
      It is so unfair to have to go into my kitchen after seeing what they work with on TV. I need a new kitchen and someone to do all the dishes to get even close to where they are!
      I was just over at your blog. Love it!

  • Gina – I love Food Network and many of their shows. Since I do a lot of cooking for my blog I always look for inspiration from different avenues. I too wish I had the kind of tv magic that the chefs on television have. I could cook all I want and have the dishes magically done. 🙂

    • gina valley
      January 21, 2013

      Wouldn’t it just be the best to have their magic self-cleaning dishes and kitchen? I think I would cook a lot more frequently if I had that kind of back up. My kitchen support squad is not so magical and complains a lot more audibly!

  • ladyladuke
    December 4, 2012

    I can watch Chopped over and over, and I love Diners Drive ins and Dives!

    • gina valley
      January 21, 2013

      I love both of those. They are so fun to watch. I’d love to have a job where I go around and tell people what I think of restaurants. I’m already opinionated. Now I just need a show and a road crew!