Don’t You DARE Put That In Our Yard!

by Gina Valley

With Thanksgiving under our belt, we’ve passed through the official time for the “Fresh VS Frozen Turkey” debate, and are now poised to begin arguing about Christmas lighting options.

Christmas lights are truly a defining force in our culture.  You give me a light decorating opportunity and I can give you a complete psychological run down of all involved.

My teenage Call of Duty fan son argues that we should put a tank in the yard, made of lights, because that’s what Jesus would do.

My teenage daughters argue that the lights are embarrassing.

My young children want more.  More characters.  More lights.  More colors.  More everything.  The crasser the better in their eyes.

My son’s boss wants precise, measured spacing between the rows of lights they hang in bushes and trees. My son points out that the first tiny gust of wind through the trees will “adjust” the spacing. Point to my son.  His boss argues that he signs the pay checks. Match to his boss.  His boss is afraid to climb the ladder, so it’s still anyone’s game.

The Professor likes the lights to flash.  But, not all the lights.  Most of the lights flash, with an occasional random strand left steadily glowing.

My dad is the opposite. The lights at his house are all steadfastly glowing, save for a couple of random strands, which appear to be having some sort of electrical problem amongst their glowing neighbors.

I say make a decision and go all in, one way or the other.

One of our neighbors has a strictly elegant and classy display every year.  It centers around a beautiful, life-sized Nativity display.  I have to admit that it puts our inflatable Nativity to shame. On the other hand ours never seems to move and watch me as I jog by in the evening.

There is the unending debate about putting icicle lights versus straight lights around your roofline.  People were less opinionated about the Civil War than this issue. Nothing quite embodies the Spirit of Christmas like 2 grown men rolling around on the lawn, trying not to spill their beers, while one hollers at the other, “They don’t look like icicles. They just look stupid!”

A guy down our street is into strobe lights for the holiday season. Woodland creatures gathered in his yard look like they are at some sort of forest night club. The flashing has triggered seizures in one raccoon and two squirrels. I hate to think what’s going to happen when it triggers them in a skunk. This guy is single. I’m not saying it’s because of his lighting choices. I’m just providing you with the information to form your own opinion.

Most of my pack argues in favor of multi-colored lights.  I argue for white lights because they’re simple and elegant, and they won’t look as stupid 2 months after Christmas when they’re still up, because we can pass them off as party decorations.

My friend Jeanie’s parents no longer argue about whether the Christmas lights need to come down 2 months or even 10 months after Christmas.  They have reached an armistice on that one.  No, they argue about whether to plug them in every night.

That’s right, this past May, when their Christmas lights (and their giant wreath on the second story, too, but that’s really material for a different column) were still in place, her mom finally stopped asking her dad to take them down, and instead requested that he stop plugging them in every night.

Now, I would normally be appalled by the nightly highlighting of the long past-their-purpose decorations, but I’m thinking maybe lighting those puppies up in May is the right way to go.

The way I see it, although other people may have left their Christmas lights up, no one is lighting them in May.  So, the twinkling colorful bulbs could serve the public in many ways. They could guide weary travelers through the fog (there could be fog in May), or provide a location bench mark for iPhone users when our iMaps poops out (“Turn left when you see the Christmas lights.  Yes. Christmas lights.”).

I need to ask Jeanie if they are twinkling or steady glowing lights.

I’d be willing to bet that the Wise Men argued about which kind of incense to bring to the first Christmas.

I guess we’re just keeping that spirit alive.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What decorations generate “discussion” in your neck of the woods?  Which ones do you love?  Which ones do you hope a freak wind will blast through and blow away?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

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