Don’t Be That Guy

by Gina Valley

Spring has sprung around here, and with it has arrived the traditional spring rituals: pruning, planting, and Open House at the elementary school.

That’s right, it’s time once again to scoot on over to our local school and try to act like a normal family.

Open house at the elementary school should be a warm, fuzzy bonding time with your child.  It’s rainbows and lollipops and unicorns.  And, it always is with mine.

Sort of.

I love hanging out with my littles, and seeing their work and where they spend their day.  But, I tend to stress out a bit just thinking about taking my pack to Open House.

I worry about which of my pack members is going to eat the science experiment sitting on the teacher’s desk, and who is going to knock over the giant art display that I’m sure was already leaning slightly when we arrived in the cafeteria to admire it.

I hope the shiny, crusty stuff on the desk clearly labeled with my kid’s name is glue, and not something totally disgusting.  I hope that the strange squeaking I hear in the classroom is not coming from my kid’s cubby.

I try to monitor everyone to make sure no one is licking anything that doesn’t belong to our family or climbing into another family’s stroller or going through the teacher’s desk drawers, pulling out mystery items, and asking what they are.

We made it through Open House this week with surprisingly few bandages or apologies or Xanax needed.  In fact, it went so well that, in what was clearly a moment of delirium, I even took my pack into the gym for the book fair.

It was great, warm, fuzzy family bonding time.

Except for that guy.

You know the guy I’m talking about.  He (or she) is at every Open House.  He’ll be at yours, too.

Don’t be that guy.

Don’t be the At The Last School They Did It Like This Guy – this guy spends the whole evening pointing out to the teacher, principal, and especially his kid how everything was better at his old school.  If it was so great there, go back.  Surely, they’re missing you.

Don’t be the Teacher Hogger Guy – Everyone wants to talk to the teacher, but keep in mind, much as she undoubtedly wants to hear about your Fuller Brush business and a play by play of every one of little Timmy’s last 12 soccer games and the details of your recent hysterectomy, there are other people.  Keep moving.

Don’t be the Bouncy Lady Guy – Yes, everyone’s eyes are on you, but it’s not for the reason you think or want.  Stop embarrassing your kid.  Bras and straps are your friends.  So are buttons.  Fasten a few of them.  Keep the mystery alive.  This isn’t Match.com.

Don’t be the Dad In A Tube Guy – I think it’s great you want to spend time playing with your child, but, truly, those playgrounds are made for children.  When you’re standing at the top of the tunnel slide, and it looks like it might be a tight fit for a man of your stature, it is.  Believe me.  Believe your wife and child who are begging you not to try it.

There is no need for another wasted trip by the paramedics, or for another slide to suffer and be destroyed by the Jaws of Life.    Besides, aren’t you the guy who got stuck in the tire swing last year?

Don’t be the Ms. Stilettos In The Grass Guy – This is often the same person as the Bouncy Lady Guy, but not always.  I happen to love my stilettos.  I have quite a collection of them.  But, I never wear them to the elementary school, and you shouldn’t wear yours there either.

This place is ruled by sand and sod and pitted black top.  You’ll wreck your shoes, probably twist an ankle, and, worst of all, complain about it all night.  They don’t need better lighting.  They don’t need smoother blacktop. You need to use your brain.  Put on some Chuck’s or wait in the car.

And, lastly, please, please don’t be the Here’s A Parking Spot Everyone Else Missed Guy. – Everyone else did not miss that spot.  It’s not a parking spot at all.  It’s the only exit from the soccer-field-turned-parking-lot for this evening’s festivities, and you have just ensured that no one can leave now until you’re done with your walk about.  Don’t be surprised if someone throws a pair of stilettoes at you.

Don’t be that guy!

Make this an amazingly fun night that’s all about pointing out everything good about your child.  Let your little stuff herself with those nasty looking cookies they always give out.  Play handball on the blacktop.  Leave a note in his desk.  Stop for ice cream on the way home.

Teach another day.  Correct another day.  Reminisce another day.

Just have fun at Open House.

And, please, stay out of the slide.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Have you been to an elementary school Open House recently?  Do you remember going when you were a kid? Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Click on over to these posts for more school fun:

Time To Torture The Teacher.  Again.

The Special Joy That Is High School Back To School Night

How To Make The Teacher Hate You

As always, the extra click to get there counts as cardio.

Thank you for reading and sharing.  I appreciate your support!