Crime Scenes In The Kitchen
by Gina Valley
Thank you to whoever put away the chocolate syrup last night.
Usually on post-ice-cream-sundae mornings I find the chocolate syrup still sitting on the kitchen counter, along with the carton of melted ice cream and the sticky, dripping scooper. It was nice to come into the kitchen and find that you had made the effort to put everything away this time.
Placing the chocolate syrup onto the top shelf of the refrigerator so that our little ones could not reach it and stage a repeat performance of last month’s Chocolate Syrup Squirting Follies was a brilliant idea. There are still chocolate syrup stains on the sofa and a lovely splatter pattern on the foyer wall that I think will be with us forever.
Much as I appreciate your effort, and I truly do, please allow me to make a suggestion for the next time that you are returning the bottle of chocolate syrup to its chilly home. I would appreciate it greatly if next time you would either place the bottle upright on the shelf or close the lid or, preferably, both.
When I entered our kitchen this morning a dark, oozing puddle flowing out from the bottom of the refrigerator created a site reminiscent of a CSI crime scene. So much so, that it scared the dog. He won’t even go into the kitchen now, which is not an entirely bad thing.
Upon opening the door to the refrigerator to investigate the puddle source I was reminded about something you’ll learn when you grow up. It’s a concept that the chocolate syrup and I are already very familiar with: Gravity is not our friend.
I’m not sure how long it took for the chocolate syrup to make its exit from the bottle complete, but I am certain that it believed it had received orders to scatter upon exit, as it had clearly infiltrated every hub in our refrigerator.
The beveled, raised spill-prevention edge on the shelf had clearly done its job, if in fact that job was to spread out the spill so as to form a chocolate syrup waterfall along the entire edge of the shelf.
I checked in the crisper drawer, and it looks like something has seriously violated the sanctity of the tomatoes and the lettuce. I’m not even going to bring up the condition of the cut cantaloupe. It’s a tragedy.
I’m hoping everyone likes the chocolate-flavored roast beef and cheddar sandwiches we will be having for lunch. I haven’t served roast beef or cheddar marinated in chocolate syrup before. Let’s just call it “Nouveau Cuisine,” or perhaps more accurately, “Gross-o Cuisine.”
I’m sure if he were here today Sir Isaac Newton would be quite pleased with your repeat proof of his gravitational theory. But, if anyone is going to show up to our kitchen from the past I hope it’s Mr. Clean, and that he brings that guy with the paper towels. This is clearly at least a two man clean up job.
After last month’s Chocolate Syrup Squirting Follies I was wondering if in fact chocolate syrup was immune to gravity and had the ability to fly under its own power.
I guess we’ve got that all cleared up now.
Just in case later you’re looking for the halfway full gallon tub of ice cream or the scooper, I thought I better update you on their activities since you communed with them last night.
You placed the ice cream tub into the microwave, not the freezer. FYI next time, the freezer is much taller and colder than the microwave. As the microwave does not so much freeze stuff, the ice cream melted. Fortunately, the tub it was in was upright. Unfortunately, it was made of waxed cardboard, which apparently melts away after being in contact with melted ice cream for 8 or more hours.
So, unless you have a way to suck the sticky liquid out of the inner workings of the microwave, we are out of ice cream. We might be “out of microwave,” too.
You did return the scooper to its proper home in the third drawer down, to the left of the sink. If you need it I’m sure it’s still there because the sticky ice cream-coated scooper apparently spent the night fusing itself permanently to the bottom of the drawer and other nearby utensils in its drawer neighborhood.
I’m buying prepared, individual desserts tonight and you are all eating them outside. At someone else’s house. In another state.
Laugh Out Loud!
Any good science experiments happen in your neck of the woods? I’d love to hear about it. Shoot me a comment with all the details.