Can You Hear Me Now?

by Gina Valley

My children have a hearing problem.

Or, maybe it’s some sort of language barrier between me and my pack.

I’m not sure.  But, whatever the cause, when I tell my sons and daughters something, I’m often feel like I’ve slipped into that cell phone commercial where the guy keeps asking, “Can you hear me now?!?!”

And, no.

They can’t.

I said:  “Please put your clean laundry away.”

He heard:  “Take these piles of neatly folded, sweet smelling clothes up to your room and toss them under your bed, into your fish tank, and onto the ceiling fan.”

I said:  “Do not give the dog people food.”

She heard:  “Give the dog a dish of ice cream so we can enjoy the fun of a canine projectile diarrhea exhibition.”

I said:  “Please make sure you guys get plain yogurt for my recipe, not vanilla.”

She heard:  “Buy the biggest tub of vanilla yogurt on the planet.”

I said:  “Water the potted plants in the front yard.  Fill each pot up twice, please.”

He heard:  “Give your dad’s car an impromptu shower while its windows are down.”

I said:  “You may watch one episode of Slugterra.”

He heard:  “Sit in front of the TV for as many hours as are necessary to cause drool to trickle down from the corner of your mouth while I’m at a meeting, as long as you only watch one episode of Slugterra.”

I said:  “Please put my phone in my purse.”

She heard:  “Take my phone into the bathroom with you, download $187 worth of apps, and change my ringtone to the theme song from Caillou.”

I said:  “Please vacuum the dog hair off of the sofa.”

He heard:  “Let the dog roll around on the sofa, while using the vacuum hose to give yourself hickies all over your neck.”

I said:  “Put this Sharpie into the kitchen drawer.”

She heard:  “Draw eyebrows on our puppy.”

I said:  “Clean the bathroom, please.”

She heard:  “See how fast you can suck up an entire roll of toilet paper with the wet/dry vac.”

I said:  “No more candy.”

He heard:  “Take the candy canister, stuff yourself with Laffy Taffy while hiding behind the living room drapes, and stick the kind you don’t like to the wall.”

I’m not sure what I said that told him to decorate our potted ficus plant with the Laffy Taffy wrappers.

I really do need to be more mindful about what I say.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Is there a sound barrier at your house, too?  How do you break through?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.