gina valley

The Glamorous Life Of The Modern Day Soccer Mom

gina valley - The Glamorous Life Of The Modern Day Soccer Mom

Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car!!! …Gina’s Favorites

Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car!!! …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

Laugh along with this timely Gina’s Favorites post.

Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car!!!

Welcome to Graduation!

Please leave your forks in your car.

Because, let’s face it, you will want to stab someone, and all that just ruins the post-graduation family photos, not to mention what it does to your chance of getting to The Cheesecake Factory before the wait for a table starts pushing 3 hours.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car!!! ...Gina's Favorites GraduationYou will need a chair. Fortunately, chairs have been provided for you.

Unfortunately, the chairs are 6 inch wide, folding chairs, made out of cheap plastic. Their plastic becomes pliable during the requisite 1000 degree graduation day heat, and thus the chairs are prone to give-way and collapse with no warning.

Not only does the heat increase the chairs’ “likeliness-to-suffer-structural-failure” quotient, it also makes the chairs cranky, resulting in a high incidence of chair-on-sitter violence, manifested as frequent incidents of spontaneous chair foldings.

This ensures that occupants of those chairs which do not suffer a sudden collapse due to structural failure within the flimsy plastic architecture will still possibly have the joy of experiencing a spontaneous self-folding of their chair the exact moment they sneeze, reach for a camera, or have a butterfly land on their leg.

It’s really a race to see which happens first: self-folding or total catastrophic collapse. If you look around the audience carefully you’ll notice people placing bets on the outcome of that race, particularly if the chair occupant is one whom is gifted with larger than average gravitational attraction.

There will be a sea of these low-quality, miniature, self-folding, likely-to-collapse chairs from which to choose. You will spy this vast bastion of seatishness as you approach the designated graduation area, after having completed your mandatory 4 mile hike in from the “Convenient Graduation Day Parking.”

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car!!! ...Gina's Favorites GraduationPlease note that the touted “Be Sure To Carpool and Catch Our Shuttle To The Actual Graduation Site” shuttle is either an urban legend or invisible. No one has ever been able to find, much less catch a ride from, this mysterious, elusive machine. Plan ahead and wear your hiking boots.

As your gaze sweeps across the expanse of chairs provided for you and the other culmination hostages, also known as “audience members,” it will likely fall upon areas of what appear to be unclaimed seating bounty, some in the most prime seating locations. Do not fall victim to this clever deception. As you attempt to occupy these plastic oases, you’ll find they are already claimed, and seriously guarded, by everything from a strewn sweater to a package of gum to a rabid grandmother.

Perhaps, you’ll wonder how these people managed to secure such excellent seats, seats from which the stage and its occupants are visible. The answer is fairly simple. These people arrived before graduation last year, and simply refused to give up their seats.

Those who were too short-sighted to be on-site 12 months in advance generally secured their seats by gaining employment with the chair rental company, and scheduling themselves to be delivered, already seated in and firmly attached to their chair.

But, don’t worry. There will be plenty of available chairs. Try looking behind any nearby trees, behind the idiot who brought a bouquet of balloons, and behind the basketball team. The seats surrounding the guy with an air-horn, the deodorant deficient dude, and the life insurance salesman are also generally available.

Vendors will be conveniently available around the audience area. Remember, they only take cash. Feel free to bring that $100 bill the grocery store refuses to break for you, because nothing is priced less than $100 anyway.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car!!! ...Gina's Favorites GraduationUnfortunately, the vendors sell useless items, such as teddy bears, flowers, and t-shirts. They will not have the basic graduation ceremony survival items you truly need, such as an extra-large can of Red Bull to help you remain conscious while the keynote speaker waxes on for 3 ½ hours about his vital contributions to the world changing field of blueberry color stabilization.

Or, a gallon jug of Febreze to spray the deodorant deficient dude.

Or, a set of blow darts to take out that giant balloon bouquet the moron four rows in front of you brought, that’s blocking the view of stage for everyone in your section.

Bathrooms are conveniently located 2 miles away, in the direction exactly opposite to where you parked your car. Don’t worry, though. Thanks to your long hike and the heat, you’ll probably be suffering from dehydration and won’t have need of facilities for at least a couple days after the graduation is complete.

When you hear the distant sound of speaker feedback and clarinet music, you will know that the graduation has begun. You’ll see a wave of people filing down the center aisle of the graduation seating area. Several of them will be melting in their asbestos robes and funny hats, and will be dragged down the aisle by other graduates.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car!!! ...Gina's Favorites GraduationThe matching goofy graduate garb and giant guy sitting next to you will work together to make it highly unlikely you’ll spot your graduate during this processional. Nonetheless, social mores require you to stand, bobbing and weaving, in a futile attempt to get a clear view of the processional-ists to prove your devotion to your graduate.

But, don’t worry about not spying your graduate on his or her way in. You will, assuming the keynote speaker ever finishes speaking, get to see your graduate march across the stage after his or her name is read. Please note that in this context “read” means “completely mangled and mispronounced to such an extent that even your graduate is not sure who the name card reader is talking about.

Naturally, your efforts to capture forever that look of confusion on your graduate’s face will be hampered by a full memory card, a depleted battery, or both. Fortunately, a professional photographer will be stationed at the exit point of the stage to snap a charming candid photo of your graduate sweating and clutching his or her fake diploma. For only $87.63 you can purchase 2 wallet-sized prints of that photo.

The ceremony should take less than 3 days. Hopefully, you packed a canteen and a snack.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car!!! ...Gina's Favorites GraduationYou will know the ceremony has ended when the army clad in asbestos begins to march out of the designated graduation area, and people around you begin yelling into their cell phones, “I don’t see you. Do you see me? I’m waving. Do you see me? I don’t see you…”

This is the point in the day when you’ll wish you had set up a predetermined meeting point with your graduate. Some families spend more time trying to find their graduate after the ceremony than it actually took their graduate to complete his or her course of study.

This delay in departure is a critical issue, because for every extra minute that passes before you get to The Cheesecake Factory, the wait for a table increases by another hour.

Of course, if you’re really thinking, you’ll decide to remain in the designated graduation area.

After all, that’s really the only way to get a good seat for next year’s ceremony.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Did you attend any graduation ceremonies this year? Did your chair try to eat you? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing what you have to say.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Where’s The Sparkly?

Where’s The Sparkly?…Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

We’re wrapping presents today. Seems like a good time for this Gina’s Favorites post. Giggle with me.

Where’s My Sparkly?

I’m a bit distressed this morning because I can’t find the little velvet-covered jewelry box that holds my favorite sparkly.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Where’s The Sparkly?...Gina's Favorites Mothers’ Day GiftI keep it in my china hutch in our dining room.

Yes, I know that’s strange.

What kind of nut keeps a jewelry box in the dining room? This kind.

I received the tiny, blue velvet-covered hinged box with the shiny treasure inside it for Mothers’ Day from The Professor a couple years ago. I treasure it. It’s one of my favorite gifts.

I’m sure you’ve noticed that celebratory days, particularly Mothers’ Day, seem to have degraded into a battle over gifting styles.

Personally, I don’t understand what the big problem is. If you’re a kid, make something. Anything. She’ll love it and keep it forever.

If you’re an adult, think about what she likes. Give her something you know she likes. If you don’t know what she likes, either ask her, or re-evaluate your relationship to figure out how you don’t know what someone you are supposedly close to wants.

No big deal.

That being said, however, The Professor does not agree.

He finds gift selection and giving mind boggling, despite the fact we’ve known each other for 2 decades. I have to admit that my life partner is, in general the worst with gifts.

I think it was Lucy Ricardo who said, “It’s not the gift, it’s the lack of thought behind it that counts.” I live that.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Where’s The Sparkly?...Gina's Favorites Mothers’ Day GiftBut, sometimes he has a moment of inspiration, and not only gets me a gift, but gets something I’ll love. Like the year he had his classes do group projects for a week, so he could spend every second working on crafting a bouquet of red duct tape roses for me. The effort was the gift. I treasure those everlasting flowers because of it.

Or, this year, when he picked out a stunning necklace well in advance of Mothers’ Day (because I will be performing on Mothers’ Day) that’s just my style.

Or, the year he gave me the sparkly in the little blue velvet box.

That year had been a tough year.

My pack had been particularly emergency room prone. It seemed like I was taking someone to the ER to get stitched up, pumped out, or otherwise repaired a couple times a week. We were in the midst of an epidemic of smashed fingers, cut feet, and poked eyes.

The most frustrating part was that most of the trips for emergency medicine were the result of a pack member doing something dumb.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Where’s The Sparkly?...Gina's Favorites Mothers’ Day GiftLike when Son#2 tried to bounce off of my exercise ball and missed, instead bouncing off of his brothers dresser and slicing open a 10 inch long gash on his back. And, then tried it again the next day and broke his tail bone!

Or when Daughter#3 was giving Son#3 a ride on her shoulders, and dropped him, resulting in a concussion for him.

The list was endless. Every couple days someone would do something they shouldn’t have been doing, and I’d get to spend the night in the ER with the victim.

So, it wasn’t a total shock to me one evening when Son#3 came rushing down from the room he shares with Son#4, after they had supposedly been sleeping for an hour.

“I swallowed a Magnetix,” he practically screamed.

I took a calming breath, all the while thinking, “Well, of course you did.  I do that all of the time while I’m sleeping.”

Do you remember Magnetix sets? They don’t sell them here anymore, probably because kids swallow them. That’s unfortunate because they were really cool building sets. There were small rods and marble sized metal balls.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Where’s The Sparkly?...Gina's Favorites Mothers’ Day GiftAll of the pieces were magnetic, which allowed one to build some amazing things. They were also small, which clearly allowed one to swallow some amazing things, too.

Now this was not my first time at the “I swallowed something” rodeo, so I knew what to ask.

“Are you sure you swallowed it?” At least 3 times we’d rushed pack members to the ER only to discover the supposedly swallowed, panic-inducing item in the panic-stricken child’s clothes or to have it fall out of their hair while the ER doctor was examining in them. Even if you find the item outside the child’s body while you’re there, you still have to pay for those ER visits.

“Yes, I’m sure,” he answered.

“What kind of a piece did you swallow?”  I inquired.

“One of the metal balls,” he provided. “Like this one,” he said, handing me one of the familiar reflective, metal balls.

I was relieved that it wasn’t one of the 4 inch rods. Small round objects travel quite well through our children. We’ve ran that drill a dozen times.

“How exactly did you happen to swallow it?” I asked. He was 8 at the time, hardly an age where you worry about them sucking up toys.

Son#3 explained in great detail that he and Son#4 were not so much trying to sleep for the previous hour. In fact, they weren’t even in their beds. After they’d been tucked into their beds, they had both gotten up, and proceeded to have a magic show.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Where’s The Sparkly?...Gina's Favorites Mothers’ Day GiftSon#3 was trying to “fake out” his younger brother by pretending to swallow items.

That’s right.

You see where this is headed.

When Son#4 refused to believe that Son#3 had swallowed the metal ball that Son#3 was pretending to swallow, Son#3 upped the convincing fake swallow, and accidentally swallowed it for real.

A giant sigh escaped me at the end of his long description, as the prospect of yet another night hanging out with the ER staff was exhausting to even think about. Nonetheless, that’s where we were headed.

I wasn’t worried about the shiny sphere lodging somewhere along Son#3’s exit lane. We’d had too many instances of similarly sized and shaped marbles and rocks ingested to even wonder about whether there would be any exit problems. There would not.

I took him to the ER because I was concerned about the chemical make-up of the metal ball. I was concerned that it might be reactive or poisonous once it reached the inner workings of my boy.

I think the ER doctors were appreciative of our odd swallowing incident.  None of them had ever dealt with this particular item.  After many consultations with the Children’s Hospital and phone calls to poison control, the medical team determined that the metal ball was likely non-reactive.  They sent us home with the customary, “It’ll probably be out in a couple days. If not, come back and we’ll do another x-ray.”

When we were back in the car, Son#3 asked, “Does he mean I’m gonna poop it out?”

“Yes,” I said, “that’s exactly what you’re going to do.”

“But, how will I know when I do?” he asked. “Won’t it be all covered with…you-know?  How am I going to know it even came out?”

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Where’s The Sparkly?...Gina's Favorites Mothers’ Day Gift“Trust me, you’ll know,” I reassured him.

Turns out we all knew, as at the time of exit, Son#3 had failed to shut the bathroom door and the “Clank!” of metal hitting porcelain carried through most of our house.

“Nobody flush this.  I want to show Dad,” my little poopoo engineer hollered out from the bathroom. And, nobody did.  Of course, nobody ever flushes the toilet around here anyway.

When Mothers’ Day rolled around about a month later our spate of ER visits had, thankfully, lulled.

I was surprised when the Professor presented me with the small, blue velvet hinged jewelry box, with a gold ribbon tied into an artful bow wrapped around it. Bad as The Professor is with gifts, he’s even worse with wrapping. This year he wrapped my necklace in the puppy paw print paper I purchased to wrap Daughter#3’s birthday gifts in next month. So, the lovely presentation surprised me, and further piqued my curiosity.

I slid the ribbon off of the box, and gently lifted the lid. The hinge squeaked ever-so-softly.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Where’s The Sparkly?...Gina's Favorites Mothers’ Day GiftInside was a sparkly that I never would have expected. It was resting on a tiny blue pillow, looking quite comfortable. It looked like a large black pearl, with a soft, silver patina.

Next to it was a small label with fancy script writing that read “In April 2. Out April 5.”  I laughed out loud when I read it. Here was the Magnetix that Son#3 had swallowed, beautifully presented as a keepsake for his mom.

It was almost perfect.

Beaming with pride, Son#3 said, “Don’t worry, mom.  We wore gloves, and we soaked it in bleach 3 times.”

That made it perfect.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Have any of your family members swallowed something they shouldn’t have? What’s the most bizarre gift you have given or received?   Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Top 10 Worst Gifts For Mom …Gina’s Favorites

Top 10 Worst Gifts For Mom …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

Laugh along with this timely Gina’s Favorites post.
And, have a Happy Mothers’ Day!!!

Top 10 Worst Gifts For Mom

If you think it’s stressful trying to get the mom in your life the right gift, you should try being the mom.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Worst Gifts For Mom ...Gina's Favorites Mothers’ DayThanks to Facebook, InstaGram, and the entire host of internet life invaders, the pressure to receive the perfect physical manifestation of appreciation for all that you do as the mom has been bumped up to nearly unreachable heights (do not give mom a step stool to help her reach unreachable heights).

Come noon (do not give mom a watch, so she’ll know when it’s noon) (unless it’s jewel encrusted and returnable) on Mother’s Day any mom without a photo of a hand-drawn card or beautiful bouquet of flowers or artful plate from a fancy buffet to post is all but facing certain ridicule from the mom community.  I can’t be posting a pic of an ironing board cover or a hedge trimmer or a plate from The Trough without facing some serious social media shaming.

I know my family means well, but sometimes they seem to forget who I am and that they know me.

So, to help my family out, here’s some things they can cross off their list now.

Top 10 Worst Gifts For Mom

#10.  Breakfast in bed – It’s awkward. It’s messy. And, even if you were a 5 star chef (which you are not) or our kids were child chef prodigies (which they are not), I still wouldn’t want breakfast in bed. In fact, I don’t want anyone to cook anything for anyone. Cooking equals mess, and I don’t want the mess (if you want to spend time in the kitchen, after you order in dinner and make brunch reservations, feel free to clean out the fridge. I do recommend a HazMat suit, though).

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Worst Gifts For Mom ...Gina's Favorites Mothers’ Day#9.  A Chihuahua – No puppies. No kittens. No freshly caught tadpoles. Not even a cricket for luck. No pets of any kind. If I wanted something gross to clean up after I’d have kids. Oh, wait…

#8.  A Rhododendron  – Yes, it’s lovely. Sure, it seems like a plant I can put in the ground, and have forever, is a much more sensible choice than a bouquet of flowers I’ll toss in the trash in a week. BUT, getting to toss them in the trash in a week is the second best thing about a bouquet of flowers. I get the beautiful, but I don’t get saddled with the responsibility of something else to take care of. I’ll take the love-it-then-toss-it bouquet anyday.

#7.  A Goat Bra – Giving any lingerie to a woman is really a gift to the man who presents it to her, and a big mistake. BUT, a goat bra is even worse. A friend of mine received one of these for Mothers’ Day from her well-meaning, but clueless husband. Her pet goat was pregnant at the time, and the feed store guy had advised her husband that the goat, for its comfort and protection, would be needing some support wear. Her husband decided it would be a delightful, practical gift. Turns out, it was neither. Even the goat didn’t like it. No mother, of any species, wants  gift of lingerie for Mother’s Day.

#6.  A “Fun” Outing For The Whole Family - When Jerry Seinfeld said that there is no such thing as fun for the whole family, he was right. Do not take me to the zoo or Disneyland or the beach for Mother’s Day. I’d love to go some other time, but not on “my day.” No family outing is a celebration for mom. It’s another work day for mom. If you want to take our children, though, and leave me home to nap in peace, go for it.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Worst Gifts For Mom ...Gina's Favorites Mothers’ Day#5.  Glow-In-The-Dark Organic Cleaning Solution – No matter how cool, no matter how cutting edge, no matter how much I swore I wanted it when we saw the infomercial in the middle of the night after that Bono concert, do not get me that magic vacuum or space age dust rag or glow-in-the-dark organic cleaning solution or any other item to clean anything. Feel free to give me that on National Dirt Day or even on a Tuesday, but never on Mother’s Day.

#4.  That Necklace Your Mother Says I’d Look Great In - Anything your mother (or sister or anyone but you and our kids) picked out is a big no-no. There’s nothing worse than enjoying something I think you chose for me, and hearing your mother say, “I told him you’d just love that.” If you don’t want to make the effort for me yourself, I don’t want you to present me with the gift. And, believe me, you don’t want the resulting cold front I’d be presenting you with in return.

#3.  A Photo Of The Whole Family – I want to pick out which picture to enlarge of our family. A framed blow up of that horrible family photo my cousin took of us last Christmas where I look like a cow chewing its cud is not my idea of a charming family memento. You might as well get me a case of SlimFast Shakes. Which reminds me…

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Worst Gifts For Mom ...Gina's Favorites Mothers’ Day#2.  A Case Of SlimFast Shakes – Yes, I might buy something like this occasionally. Yes, I mentioned I need to get a new FitBit, since my last one seems to have been less than sturdy (apparently, stomping on those because you only made 5083 steps that day breaks them. Who knew?). Yes, my gym wear is so worn out people occasionally think I’m homeless. BUT, if you give me anything fitness related, even though you’re sure I’d love it or I’d buy it for myself anyway, I can guarantee that my next cardio activity will be making sure you won’t live until Father’s Day.

#1.  A Hooked Rug Maker – Anything with the word “Maker” in the name is a huge fail in the gift world for me, because it’s a lie, and I hate lying. It’s not a Cake Pop Maker or a Quesadilla Maker or a Hooked Rug Maker. It’s a Spend All Day Trying To Make Cake Pops Maker or a Spend All Day Trying To Make Quesadillas Maker or a Spend All Day Trying To Make A Hooked Rug Maker.  I do not need something else to do. This is not a gift. It’s a chore. Leave it at the store.

Remember, all I really want is for my kids to make me a card, anyway.

And, a sparkling, clean house.

And, for everyone to get along.

You know, simple stuff.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Have you ever gotten a real doozy of a gift?  Have you given a crazy one? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Top 10 Reasons My Kids Can’t Help In Our Garden

Top 10 Reasons My Kids Can’t Help In Our Garden …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

As I prepare to inform my family they have the privilege of helping me clean up our front and backyards this weekend, I thought this Gina’s Favorites post was a timely place to find some giggles. Laugh along with me.

Top 10 Reasons My Kids Can’t Help In The Garden

I bought a couple flats of flowers this week.

My mom is coming to visit next week, and I want our yard to look less like the local plant graveyard while she’s here. Assuming we get all the flowers planted, surely even I, with my two black thumbs, can keep them alive for the week of my parents visit.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Reasons My Kids Can’t Help In Our Garden ...Gina's FavoritesThe Professor reminded me that I’ve killed artificial flowers in less time. I reminded him that I can start cooking vegan-only again anytime. He, then, told me that I’m smart and I’m pretty.

He really hated my vegan era.

Due to our long standing agreement to never work on the same DIY project at the same time together (one can only imagine how many murders and trips to the divorce attorney this policy has prevented in our home), The Professor was off the hook as far as helping plant the flowers.

He muttered something about needing to grade midterms and taking his car to the mechanic because it’s making a new, weird sound, just to be sure he was able to dodge the draft he knew was coming.

I didn’t really want him to help plant the flowers anyway. He always ends up dissecting the plants to show our kids the different parts. The plants do not like to be dissected and make that clear by, not only dying, but encouraging their friends to do the same.

The last thing I need is more help killing plants.

The other members of my pack, however, were all eligible to be drafted into service. Somehow, though, the little draft dodgers did not agree, and came up with a myriad of excuses.

Top 10 Reasons My Kids Can’t Help In The Garden

#10.  ”I’m watching a live feed of a giraffe giving birth” (he was, and, ewww!).

#9.  ”I just put a new stick of gum into my mouth.”

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Reasons My Kids Can’t Help In Our Garden ...Gina's Favorites#8.  ”I already took a shower today and I’m not taking another one.”

#7.  ”When I wear shoes my feet can’t breathe.”

#6.  ”I’m allergic to dirt” (this from the teenager whose dresser is covered in a layer of dust thick enough to plant vegetables in).

#5.  ”That bug is looking at me” (yes, the bug was looking at him).

#4.  ”I’m thinking about doing my homework.”

#3.  ”The dog is asleep on my foot.”

#2.  ”I have to watch this program so we can erase it from the DVR.”

#1.  ”There’s no Wi-Fi out there.”

They did all end up rushing out to help me plant the flowers after all, though.

It was just after I announced that the last one ready to help had to clean all the toilets.

Not my first time at this rodeo.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Any less-than-eager helpers in your house? Does your family find chore time a great time to practice Hide-and-Seek? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing what you have to say.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Shunning The Dog

Shunning The Dog

by Gina Valley

Our dog’s developed a super power.

It’s not a particularly enjoyable super power for the rest of us. I wish he’d developed the ability to fold laundry or to load the dishwasher, but he did not.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Shunning The Dog Dogs Pets Training

Dog experts call this new super power “rude”, in that he is “barking” at us when he wants something. Of course, “barks” is a significant understatement about what he’s doing.

It used to be, when he wanted something, he would just sit near whatever it was his request centered around. He’d sit by the back door when he wanted to go out. He’d sit by his food jar when he wanted to eat. He’d sit on my bed when he wanted to shed a ridiculous amount of hair.

But somewhere along the line he decided, probably after observing my children, that making some noise might speed up the process a bit. So, he got in the habit of emitting one “huff” when he sat down near something he wanted.

At the time, I thought it was kind of cute. It was actually helpful, too, because sometimes, even though he’s a hefty 100 pounds, I can’t hear him sit down. And, our rugs and I both want him to get outside whenever he feels the need to go.

He changed the huff to a quiet bark after a couple of weeks. Just one soft one, but definitely a bark. It was sweet. Kind of like when your baby learns to say “baba” or “mama” or “TV,” and you’re proud she can say what she wants.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Shunning The Dog Dogs Pets TrainingShortly thereafter, however, he changed his one single bark to one single sonic boom. It was so loud it shook every window in our house. We decided, as responsible dog-parents and window-owners, that something had to be done.

So, we told him “No!” each time he did it.

Then, dog-behavior-experts that we are, we got up and quickly took care of whatever need he was communicating, lest he be prompted to let out the super bark again, and shatter every window in our house.

So, yes, our dog successfully trained us to meet his every demand quickly and efficiently.

Then, apparently, our dog decided that either we were too slow or he wasn’t being clear enough with his directives, because our jumbo furry family member ceased his one bark air raid behavior, and resorted to a more-is-better campaign, which included a window-shaking bark every second or two until his demands were met.

We consulted a dog teacher for the sake of our ears and our window panes. (He is not a dog trainer, mind you. He is a dog teacher. He explained this to us several times. “Trainer” implies our dogs are mere pets. He “teaches family members.” Funny, but he didn’t seem the least bit interested in “teaching” our 13 and 14 year old non-furry family members to stop “barking” at each other while they played HALO.)

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Shunning The Dog Dogs Pets TrainingThe dog teacher explained to us the best way to get rid of this window-endangering barking was to reward our dog’s good behavior, and to ignore his “less desirable” behavior. He told us not to do anything for our dog while he barks at us, but to instead wait until he silently sits near whatever it is he wants.

Further, we were to “deny him socialization while he is being rude.” How, one might wonder, does one go about denying a dog socialization? And, one might also wonder, how does a dog know what socialization means?

The dog teacher said we should turn our backs to our dog until he stops the behavior. I think they call that shunning in Amish areas.

If turning our backs is inconvenient, like when we’ve finally got the kids to stay in bed and actually get to sit down, and there is virtually no chance we’re going to stand up and face the wall in an effort to teach the dog to stop barking about the package of Snicker bars on the kitchen counter, we should cover our faces so the dog cannot see them.

This explains why my husband and I were both sitting in our family room with our faces hidden, his beneath a Macy’s mattress sale flier, and me with the front page of The Times draped across my upper body, when our eldest son walked into the house with his new girlfriend.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Shunning The Dog Dogs Pets TrainingWe hadn’t met her yet. I feel like we still haven’t.

All I could see with the newspaper over my head were her shoes, and what I am hoping was a photo of Donald Trump’s hair. I couldn’t hear a thing she said the entire time, as the dog was not even a little phased by our ignoring him, and continued to bark non-stop.

We offered her cookies, a lovely beverage, and the business section to put over her head.

She looked quite confused.

I guess some people just don’t understand dog-teaching.

Or, super powers.

Laugh out loud!

-gina

Are your furry family members well-taught? Or, have they trained you? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Dreamstime.com – Used with permission.

Mom Makes Me Laugh!!! …Gina’s Favorites

Mom Makes Me Laugh!!! …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

Today is my mom’s birthday. It’s going to be a tough day for both of us, as it is the first one she’s spent without my dad in 63 years. So, we’ll both be looking to laugh. Laugh along with this Gina’s Favorites post.

My Mom Makes Me Laugh

My mom isn’t one of the first people I think of when I’m thinking of funny people, but she should be.

She taught me how to short sheet a bed when I was still in kindergarten.  She’d stick plastic fruit in my dad’s lunches, and put dog biscuits in the cookie jar when we were little.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley My Mom Makes Me Laugh ...Gina's Favorites BirthdayShe’s got a rock that looks just like a baked potato, and she serves it to unsuspecting company for dinner.

Every single April 1 she convinces my dad that her car has a flat tire, and he goes out to check it. It hasn’t been flat yet.

And, there was the fishing trip my dad took with my brother-in-law a couple years ago.

My mom, then 73 and battling Parkinson’s disease, was going to be left home alone in their remote mountain home for the week my dad was away on the trip.  Being alone for a week while my dad was gone was a big deal.

A registered nurse and a mother of 5, my mom is a detail-oriented, highly organized person.  She, realizing her personal and situational limitations, knew she had to plan and prepare.

She made a list.

She even numbered the items by priority.

What was the first thing on her list?

What was that one essential she had to complete prior to my dad’s departure to feel that all would be right and secure in her world?

Was it stocking up on groceries?  No.

Was it filling the car with gas?  No.

Was it finishing the laundry or putting emergency contacts near the phone or double checking their security system?  No. No. No.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley My Mom Makes Me Laugh ...Gina's Favorites BirthdayNumber 1 on her list was:  sew all of the underwear my dad packed shut. Every single pair.

And, she did it.

She makes me laugh, and that is such a blessing.  It reminds me that no matter how rough a day may feel laughter will draw us back together.

Happy Mothers’ Day, Mom! I love you!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Visit my Who ARE These People? post for more giggles inspired by my parents.

Visit my Seriously – I Cried Today post for a poignant look at struggles my mom has faced.

Do you have fond memories about someone who mothered you?  Is there a silly story that makes you smile every time you think about it?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission

Where’d My Cool Go? …Gina’s Favorites

Where’d My Cool Go? …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

Laugh along with this Gina’s Favorites post.

Where Did My Cool Go?

I’m not cool.

I realized that today.

I suppose, on some level, I’ve known it for a while, but today it became glaringly clear. Because today, I realized I have become my father.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Where'd My Cool Go? ...Gina's FavoritesDon’t get me wrong. There’re a lot of cool things about my father. My dad was a great guy. He’s funny and smart and giving.  I’d love to turn into that part of my dad. But, I didn’t.

….

I’d just finished installing a new kitchen faucet.

We’d had to get a new kitchen faucet, because the old one had fallen apart. You had to use a pair of locking pliers just to turn the thing on, water temperature was a gamble, and it vibrated so much when the water flowed that dirty dishes kept bouncing off the counter.

So, we’d headed to our friendly, neighborhood, giant home improvement store (I’ve always thought running water in the kitchen improved any home) to get a new kitchen faucet set.

Some of the faucets were so expensive I wondered if they magically cleaned dishes all by themselves. The Professor took one look at the wall of water wonders, and announced he refused to pay more for this faucet than he did for his first car.

We picked the one that was in our budget, and looked like it could handle having our kids tie the dog to it without breaking off. The fact that it supposedly had an anti-fingerprint finish just made us giggle. I was sure our kids would accept that challenge. They’re very competitive. No faucet was going beat them.

….

So, there I stood in our kitchen, putting away my tools and looking at our newly installed faucet, when I heard someone say, “That’s a beautiful faucet.”

I looked around, and realized I was the only one there. And, not only had I said, “That’s a beautiful faucet,” I really thought that faucet was beautiful.

I flashed back to holding the tools while my dad installed a new kitchen faucet in my childhood home when I was a teenager. I remembered him saying, while he polished it with a cloth, “That’s a beautiful faucet.” I remembered thinking how that was further proof my dad was totally uncool.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Where'd My Cool Go? ...Gina's FavoritesAnd, here I was, decades later, riding the same train of uncoolness. Today’s stop was “Admiring household plumbing fixtures.” I could only wonder whether tomorrow’s stop would be listening to Muzak, wearing sensible shoes, or buying high-waisted, polyester pants (as I typed that I thought, “at least those things don’t ever wrinkle,” and felt myself drift ever further away from cool).

When did this happen? When did I lose my cool?

I related my tale of uncoolness-woe to my friend, Vernice. I told her that I felt disheartened and aged beyond my years, because I found new kitchen plumbing fixtures exciting. I wondered aloud if it was because I have children. Had they taken my cool as well as my last functioning brain cell? Vernice nodded along, sympathetically.

“Well, you know…,” my wise friend began.

I can always count on Vernice, and her sage advice to keep me on course. I knew she’d know just what to say to help me get my cool back.

“…that really is a beautiful faucet.”

Apparently, Vernice has turned into my father, too.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do you feel less than cool? Have you surprised yourself lately? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission

They ARE Different!!! …Gina’s Favorites

They ARE Different!!! …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

I’m traveling to Ohio this week to hang out with a wonderful bunch of funny writers. I hope this Gina’s Favorites post keeps you giggling while I’m away.

They ARE Different!!!

Men and women are different. Have you noticed?

Take weight for example.

Ask a man what he weighs, and a man will tell you what he weighs.

He will tell you exactly what he weighs.

He’ll tell you how long he’s weighed that much. He’ll tell you the first time he weighed that much. He’ll tell you who won the Super Bowl & how many hot wings he ate the year he first hit that weight.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley They ARE Different!!! ...Gina's Favorites WeightHe’ll tell you his high school weight, his college weight, his dad’s weight, his best friend’s weight.

He will brag if he is currently at his heaviest weight ever and will gladly weigh in front of you and let you see his abdomen to prove he is the heaviest he’s ever been.

He’ll happily holler his current weight across a crowded room to you, particularly if it has gone up due to a recent large, questionable meal (The same is true if his weight has recently gone down due to an unusually prolific off-loading experience on his part, but that’s really a topic for a different column).

He’ll proudly tell you the size of the clothes he’s just expanded into. He’ll show you the tags to prove it. He’ll even wear shirts with size printed right on the front and pants with the size embroidered onto the waistband for all to see.

He’ll prefer to weigh with jeans and boots on so as to up his number. He might even leave his keys, cell phone, and wallet in his pocket to give himself just a bit more heft in the gravitational attraction department.

He won’t even exhale before reading the scale.

There’s no shame, no concern, no self-consciousness.

You ask a man what he weighs and he will tell you.

You ask a woman what she weighs and she will stab you.

Or, maybe that’s just me.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do you share your gravitational attraction number with other people?  Or, is that a secret guarded more closely than Fort Knox? Why, do you suppose, we stress so much about that number? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing what you think. And, as always, thank you for stopping by and spending your time with me!

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

These Do NOT Cause Brain Damage!!! …Gina’s Favorites

These Do NOT Cause Brain Damage!!! …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

I’m traveling to Ohio this week to hang out with a wonderful bunch of funny writers. I hope this Gina’s Favorites post keeps you giggling while I’m away.

These Do NOT Cause Brain Damage!!!

Dear Family,

Clearly, you are safety conscious.

Very safety conscious.

Granted, you haven’t let little things like leaving skateboards on the stairs or Legos on the floor or swinging a bat inside our house cramp your style.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley These Do NOT Cause Brain Damage!!! ...Gina's FavoritesNor, do you allow climbing the sides of buildings, jumping from tree to tree, or launching yourselves out of a soaring swing to give you pause.

But, I have, nonetheless, come to the conclusion that you are taking extra care to stay away from things you truly believe can cause you irreparable harm.

I used to think you were just slovenly. Now I realize you’re just trying to avoid causing yourselves brain damage.

Somehow, though, I think you’ve become a victim of misinformation, because you’re avoiding certain things in your never ending quest for safety, which, and I’m sure this will be shocking news to you, are not in fact actually harmful.

Contrary to what you have been led to believe, the following will not cause brain damage:

Changing the toilet paper roll. I’m aware that the only time anyone other than me puts a new roll of toilet paper onto the spindle is when my mother is visiting, and she swaps out that ominous paper tube for a fresh roll of derriere dabbers. But, trust me, you can do this, and do it safely.

The trick to it is to never point that spring-loaded spindle at your face. No one wants to lose an eye in a toilet paper changing accident.

Closing the refrigerator door. Perhaps this seems more dangerous to you than it actually is, because it’s a two-part task. But, once you have determined that the door is in fact open, a state notable by the light emerging from its openness, pushing the door closed is actually quite safe.

Just be sure not to allow any body parts, yours or anyone else’s, to remain inside the refrigerator while you attempt to close it. It’s already messy enough in there.

 

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley These Do NOT Cause Brain Damage!!! ...Gina's FavoritesPutting a clip on an open bag of chips. The key here is to keep a firm grip on the clip while attaching it to the bag of chips, and to actually attach it to the bag of chips. Clipping your sister’s nose or your brother’s behind will not help to keep the chips from going stale.

Placing dirty laundry in the dirty laundry hamper. Contrary  to popular opinion, opening the dirty laundry hamper does not open some sort of inter-cosmic galactic worm hole and allow hostile alien life forms to invade our planet and to feast on your gray matter. There is nothing dangerous in the dirty laundry hamper. Not even dirty laundry.

It is in pristine, like-new condition, as it has never been subjected to a piece of dirty laundry. It is, at least it was the last time I checked, occupied by stray Legos, last summer’s over-due library books, an AWOL lacrosse stick, and the only functioning CD player in our house. Please remove these items prior to placing dirty laundry into the dirty laundry hamper.

Deleting what you’ve already watched from the DVR. I know that ending a relationship is difficult, and potentially traumatic. But, I promise you, your favorite TV series, sports game, and or movie will not hold it against you if you delete it after you’ve viewed it.

I know that funny pizza commercial is in that recording. I know that episode has you friend’s cousin’s dog walker’s niece as one of the 200 extras in the crowd scene. I know that game has the worst call ever in the history of sports. But, you’ve got to be strong and click “delete.” After all, I need space to record House Hunters. The couples on there aren’t going to hate themselves.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley These Do NOT Cause Brain Damage!!! ...Gina's FavoritesFeeding our dogs dinner before they whine, bark, and chew on the kitchen table leg for an hour. Much as it will confuse them, and it will, feeding our dogs at their dinner time instead will save our furniture, your privileges, and my sanity. Your mind will likely be clearer when you don’t have to pretend not to hear them barking and whining 4 inches from your head.

Returning the gallon of milk to the refrigerator. I get it. Obviously, several of you are hoping to become artisan cheese makers, but you’ve got to trust me on this. You’re way off. Milk-congealing-on-the-counter is not the kind of cheese true artisans make.

Now, if what you’re trying to create is a new life form, you might be right on the money. I’m pretty sure that gallon on the counter right now has a pulse.

Wearing a coat on a cold day.  Wearing a coat is not a punishment. It’s not an attempt to embarrass you or to destroy the cohesiveness of your carefully selected outfit. It is, in fact, a way to keep you warm, so that your body doesn’t have to work so hard to do so. This frees up some of your body’s energy to work on other things. Like hanging up a wet towel.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley These Do NOT Cause Brain Damage!!! ...Gina's FavoritesPutting used paper plates in the trash can. Only very rarely has garbage flown out of the trash can when someone opened it to deposit a used paper plate. If you are truly concerned that this rare, but not unheard of in our home, phenomena might repeat itself, were you to attempt to place your used paper plate into the garbage receptacle, feel free to don the paint ball mask and a biking helmet.

And, smile, because I will totally be taking a picture of that.

Hanging up a wet towel. I understand that you’re scientifically-minded, and enjoy conducting experiments on the bathroom floor. But, I just don’t think you’re breaking any new ground with the towel-turning-into-a-smelly-moldy-heap experiment. Let’s face it, that’s been done to death. Death of our hardwood floor. Death of your favorite t-shirt. Death of the cells inside my nose.

Perhaps you’d care to investigate counter-acting the forces of gravity by hanging a wet towel on the hooks attached to the bathroom wall for just that purpose. Just don’t stand too close to the hook while you do it. We don’t want to have an ear-on-the-hook situation. Again.

Not a brain-damager in the bunch.

Probably.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What simple things does your family seem afraid to do? Do they think it causes brain damage? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing what you have to say.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Top 10 Reasons I Weigh A Ton At The Doctor’s

Top 10 Reasons I Weigh A Ton At The Doctor’s …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

I’m traveling to Ohio this week to hang out with a wonderful bunch of funny writers. I hope this Gina’s Favorites post keeps you giggling while I’m away.

Top 10 Reasons I Weigh A Ton At The Doctor’s Office

I met my new neurologist yesterday. She was patient and thorough and didn’t make me feel I’ve lost my mind (which it’s her job to check on) (she assured me that my mind is right in my head, and showed me a picture of it in there, too, to prove it).

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Reasons I Weigh A Ton At The Doctor’s ...Gina's FavoritesI like her a lot.

But…

I hate her scale.

It’s evil, just like every other doctor’s scale I’ve ever met.

Doctor’s scales are every woman’s arch-nemesis.

Last month, the scale at my headache doctor’s office decided I had gained 5 pounds between my house and her office. To make matters even more ridiculous, the nurse who measured and weighed me, pronounced me 5’9″ tall.

That would have been fine, had I not been 5’6” tall since the 5th grade. She also added 20 pounds to the reading on her evil scale when she entered the number into my file. I wasn’t sure if she was just inaccurate, crazy, or a sadist. I was leaning toward sadist.

The Professor noted that if I had gotten 3 inches taller it would make sense that I’d gained weight. I noted that next time he was waiting in the car.

That strange scale interaction weighed heavy on my mind (pun might have been intended) as I prepared myself to go meet my new brain doc.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Reasons I Weigh A Ton At The Doctor’s ...Gina's FavoritesI weigh myself every morning. It’s part of my morning prayer time. Actually, it usually triggers the start of my morning prayer time. Nothing reminds me to ask God for a miracle quite as consistently as facing that cold, unrelenting, killer-of-self-esteem that is my bathroom scale.

So, I walked into my doctor’s office with the morning’s gravity check number well cemented in my head.

When the cheerful nurse told me to climb onto the scale I was careful to stand in the middle of the platform, and to put my purse down (that’s like 50 pounds easy, all on its own). I even remembered to exhale. Every little bit helps.

So, imagine my surprise when the number I was looking at was nearly 10 pounds larger than the one I’d been disgusted with just an hour before at home.

It got me to thinking. First of all, I wondered if I have to put money in the swear jar if I only thought the words.

Secondly, I started to analyze all of the possible reasons there could be such a discrepancy weight-wise every time I go see a doctor.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized there are many logical explanations as to the varying gravity effects readings.

Top 10 Reasons I Weigh A Ton At The Doctor’s Office

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Reasons I Weigh A Ton At The Doctor’s ...Gina's Favorites#10.  All the iron in that multivitamin my other doctor is making me take is weighing me down. Iron is a metal, and metal is heavy. So, the weight discrepancy is her fault, really.

#9.  Gravity is extra strong in their realm, due to all of the heavy issues taking place there. They are often involved in life or death decisions. Just last month, I saw 2 nurses nearly come to blows over whether they should get Chipotle or Baja Fresh for lunch when I visited my gyno. And, recently, our new pediatrician nearly put his eye out when the glove he was blowing up to turn into a rooster for my youngest son suddenly exploded. It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

#8.  I wore my polka dotted underwear, and those dots must weigh a lot.

#7.  Our blonde Labrador insisted on hugging my legs goodbye as I was rushing out the door. All the blonde dog hair stuck to my black pants, which I didn’t notice until I was sitting in the waiting room, weighs a lot. There was practically enough there to make a whole new dog.

#6.  The nurse is new and didn’t know she wasn’t supposed to stand on the scale with me. I thought she was just standing extra close so she could see the numbers.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Reasons I Weigh A Ton At The Doctor’s ...Gina's Favorites#5.  My body was retaining water in an effort to keep from turning into a raisin when they took out the gallon of blood they always insist on taking.

#4.  I have teenagers. I’m sure it’s their fault, somehow.

#3.  The humidity caused my hair to swell up to 3 times its normal volume, and, apparently, 10 times its normal weight.

#2.  My new flip flops are lined with lead. I’ve got to start reading labels.

#1.  Doctors get paid by the pound.

Finally, the doctor’s office scale phenomenon started to make sense to me, but not to everyone.

“There’s nothing wrong with the doctor’s scale. You just weigh more than you think you do,” offered The Professor. This from the man who said that his high blood pressure reading was because he slept on that arm the night before the test.

I would have stabbed him with the tongue depressors I “borrowed” from the exam room, but I’d already had my cardio for the day.

Instead, I gave him a look that prompted him to remind me, “You know, they always investigate the wife first when the husband’s murdered.”

I, then, reminded him that all I’d need is one woman on that jury, and I’d be off Scot-free.

He shot back with, “Clearly, the doctor’s scale is broken.”

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do you weigh more at your doctor’s office than at home?  Are you taking iron supplements, too?  Has anyone insisted you are taller than you know you are?  Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing what you have to say.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.