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Are You Ready For Some Football?

Are You Ready For Some Football?

by Gina Valley

Are you ready for some football?

Perhaps you say, “But, Gina, I don’t like football.”

Fair enough.  Just because 1 out of every three Americans and countless more the world over are watching it this week, doesn’t mean you have to watch it, much less like it.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley 5 Year Olds Football Super Bowl 47 XLVIIBut, before you relegate yourself to watching the Puppy Bowl again, or reading as a conscientious objector, let me just ask you to think about this:

Is it possible that the reason you are less than fond of this battle of a game is because you find it all a bit confusing and unrelatable?

Come on, throw me a bone here.  It’s possible, right?

Now, I confess that I love sports. All sports.  Granted hockey is my favorite, but football is a lot of fun to watch, too.  But, you have to understand what is going on to totally appreciate it.

Let me let you in on a little secret – here’s the key to the whole American football sport for my non-football-ite readers out there:

American football (just “football” for the rest of this column) is like two 5 year olds playing with a pile of blocks. 

It’s just like that.  If you can understand what’s happening when 5 year olds play with blocks, you’ve got a handle on football.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley 5 Year Olds Football Super Bowl 47 XLVIIEach 5 year old wants to make the biggest pile of blocks they can.  Their entire drive and goal is to get more blocks than the other 5 year old.  If one’s pile of blocks is arranged in a more skillful manner than the other’s, that’s great, but what really matters is how big the pile is.

Each football team wants to make the biggest pile of points that they can.  Their entire drive and goal is to get more points than the other time.  If one team scores its points in a more skillful manner than the other, that’s great, but what really matters is whose pile is bigger.

When trying to get blocks out of the bin, 5 year olds take turns.

When trying to get points, football teams take turns.

5 year olds get several tries, or “do overs,” in their efforts to make progress toward building a tower.

Football teams get 4 “downs,” which are really “tries” or “do-overs,” in their efforts to pileup points.

If 5 year olds behave in certain ways they will get a time out, which takes them farther away from the tower they want to build.

If football teams behave in certain ways they will receive a penalty, which, in general, moves them 5 -15 yards farther away from the points they want.

5 year olds will get a time out if they to use certain strategies that would be considered cheating or dangerous in their quest to build their pile of blocks or in an effort to prevent their opponent from building his.

Football teams will get a penalty if they to use certain strategies that would be considered cheating or dangerous in their quest to build their pile of points or in an effort to prevent their opponent from building his.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley 5 Year Olds Football Super Bowl 47 XLVII5 year olds receive a time out if they to do something that would injure each other.

Football teams receive a penalty if they clip, chop block, run into the kicker, make illegal contact, illegally block in the back, or face mask their opponents.

5 year olds must not try to cheat when building their towers.

Football teams must not intentionally ground the ball or use illegal procedure.

A 5 year old must keep the bin of blocks in the play area or mom will move it closer to the other 5 year old.

A football team must keep the ball inbounds at kickoff or the referee will move it closer for their opponent.

5 year olds receive a time out if they throw a tantrum.

Football teams receive a penalty if they have unsportsmanlike conduct.

5 year olds receive a time out if they grab the other 5 year old or keep the other 5 year old from getting ready to reach into the bin of blocks.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley 5 Year Olds Football Super Bowl 47 XLVII

Football teams receive a penalty for holding their opponents, for interfering with their opponent’s efforts to get ready to catch the ball, or for delaying the game.

5 year olds are not allowed to trick one another into doing something wrong.

Football teams are not allowed to make false starts.

5 year olds must remain in their proper tower building territory.

Football teams must not commit encroachment.

In the event of a dispute during the tower building, 5 year olds can call in their mom, tell her their stories, and ask her to settle their differences a couple times.  After that, complaining to mom will get them into trouble.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley 5 Year Olds Football Super Bowl 47 XLVIIIn the event of a dispute during the football game, football teams can ask the referee to review plays a couple of times during each half of the game.  After that, complaining to the referee will get them into trouble.

5 year olds are not allowed to brag about how great they were at putting a particular block on their tower.

Football teams are not allowed to have illegal celebrations after scoring.

See?

They’re basically the same thing.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do you love football?  Do hate it?  Do you show up to hang with friends or for the yummy snacks?  Do you have a question about the game?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

9 Responses
  • Susan
    January 28, 2013

    I’m always telling my husband that watching football is like watching a bunch of spoiled kids…now I know why I feel that way…LOL Great column 🙂

  • Isabel Foodie
    January 28, 2013

    Our family is always ready for football… husband is football coach, 3 boys play football and daughter is a cheerleader… fun post!

  • violafury
    January 28, 2013

    I don’t know which sport has the biggest babies, football, or baseball. You ever watch a bench-clearing brawl? They fight like girls or cats. It’s hilarious, but, they’re all kids! Great post. 🙂

  • My husband will be watching the game I am sure. I would prefer to watch the Puppy Bowl and the Kitty half time show but I will watch some of it I a sure. Your post does shed a different light on the game though. 🙂

  • Kenya G. Johnson
    January 31, 2013

    LOL – when you put it that way…. I’ll look at it in passing with a different perspective. Yes I am one to not look at it because I can’t follow it. I can’t stand not being able to see the whole field at once. It means nothing to me to see a replay from ten different angles. I still won’t get it. I will be sitting down for the half-time show. The rest of the game is very fattening because for me all there is to do is graze the table of snacks.

  • Roxi @ Mr. Jacob's Mom
    January 31, 2013

    Football isn’t as popular here in my country but I did enjoy it when I was studying there for a while. I did enjoy the snacks that each family brings though! 😀

    • gina valley
      February 3, 2013

      Sometimes I think the thing we love best about sports is that it brings us all together to spend time hanging out and eating! 🙂

  • rsrote
    January 31, 2013

    I know the basics, but I still don’t like it–maybe because Buffalo Bills DISAPPOINTED 4 years in a ROW!!!! But I will watch the Super Bowl…even if it is just for the commercials =)
    I love the block building comparison!!!

    • gina valley
      February 3, 2013

      Thank you! I’m glad you liked it. Always happy to share a giggle or two!
      You are right- the Bills have been disappointing for ages. But,you never know when things will come together. Next season might be their year!
      I like to catch all of the commercials, too! Enjoy the game!