gina valley

The Glamorous Life Of The Modern Day Soccer Mom

gina valley - The Glamorous Life Of The Modern Day Soccer Mom

How To Make The Teacher Hate You

How To Make The Teacher Hate You

by Gina Valley

Wondering how you can make an impression on your child’s teacher this year?

No worries – I’ve got you covered!Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Complain Cookies Leak Candy Homework Margaritas Aruba

Encourage your child to change his name every day.

Be sure to point out repeatedly that your child has received high marks from every one of her previous teachers.  Also, be sure to mention that several knowledgeable people have suggested that your child could probably just skip this year’s grade, as she is so gifted.

Pack something leaky in your child’s lunch every day, preferably a sugary substance to maximize ant and roach attraction potential.

Make cookies or candy for your child’s teacher, and include a note mentioning how she “looks like someone who really likes dessert.”

Insist your child wear a new, expensive designer coat to school.  Make sure you don’t label it with his name.  Then, insist his teacher locate the coat when your child comes home without it and can only remember he had it on somewhere near the basketball courts. Harass the teacher daily about this expensive wardrobe loss.  Weeks later when you find the coat jammed behind your child’s headboard, don’t mention it to his teacher.  You don’t want to embarrass your child.

Send a note daily explaining how it’s the teacher’s fault that your child was unable to complete his homework assignment.  Again.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Complain Cookies Leak Candy Homework Margaritas ArubaMake surprise, live animal donations to the classroom, such as snakes, tarantulas, and macaws.  The kids will love them and the jungle atmosphere it creates, along with the care and feeding of these critters, is sure to help your child’s teacher relax.

Point out every single tiny insignificant grading error that is not in your child’s favor.  Your child’s teacher will appreciate your efforts to help him raise his skill level.

Send in permanent markers with your child.  Insist that she is too talented and mature to be using those infantile, washable-type art supplies.

When your child uses the permanent markers to set up a face tattoo business at recess, her teacher will undoubtedly appreciate her initiative and will gladly explain to the other parents how vital your child’s entrepreneurship is to everyone’s growth and development.

Don’t bother your child’s teacher with concerns about happenings or polices in his/her classroom.  Rather, take these directly to the school principal or even the district superintendent.

Send something smelly, liquid, or liveHumor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Complain Cookies Leak Candy Homework Margaritas Aruba for every Show & Tell time.  Bonus points to you if it’s all three!

Be sure to let your child’s teacher know right away that your child is perfect, and that, if he is acting up, it’s just because he isn’t being challenged  by her teaching methods.  It’s extra helpful if you bring in brochures for seminars your child’s teacher can attend to learn the proper way to teach a child gifted such as yours is.

Order a margarita machine for the classroom Christmas party.

(This is a new one to me.  Credit to Abe ‏@Cheeseboy22 who is a great 1st grade teacher and a very funny guy) Have your child panic when he loses his tooth at school and can’t locate it. Only after his teacher has searched for the AWOL bony appendage for a minimum of 45 minutes should your child check in his own mouth and realize that he hadn’t lost the tooth at all.

Show up at the end of the school day, as your child’s teacher is helping all of the children to get ready to go home, Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Complain Cookies Leak Candy Homework Margaritas Arubaand explain to him that you will need all of the class lessons and homework for the following two weeks immediately, as you and your family are flying off to Aruba and have to be at the airport in less than an hour.

While you are on the trip, don’t have your child complete any of the assignments, and be sure to lose at least one of the textbooks and to get water damage on the others.

Make it a memorable year!

Remember, No Teacher Left Behind!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What else should I add to this list?  Shoot me a comment – I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Throwback Thursday – You MIGHT Survive

Throwback Thursday – You MIGHT Survive

Since I’ve been caught up in either celebrating or mourning the start of the school year (depending on how the morning drop-off went), I think it’s a good week to do a throwback that reminds us weary parents (and those who are not parents, but are weary from hearing us parents complain about our kids’ school-related issues) where all this academic effort is headed.

All the work, all the struggle, all the stressHumor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Audience Graduation Folding Chair is not without an end.  It’s all building up to that amazing moment when your eyes will mist over as your child proudly walks down the aisle wearing a wrinkled black gown and a goofy looking hat with his or her name misspelled on the top of it in glitter glue.

You’ll be there in the audience swelling with pride, or maybe that’s just heat stroke.  Either way, you’ll be swelling with something.

It will be a tremendous culmination of over a decade of hard work.  You’ll be shocked at how quickly the time passed, and at how far away you had to park.

Find out what else happens in the audience at graduation by reading my Death By Folding Chair – The Perils Of A Graduation Audience post.  I’ll meet you over there.  Last one there buys the cookies.

Remember the extra click to get there counts as cardio.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What’s your favorite graduation memory?  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.  Shoot me a comment before they start up with that Pomp & Circumstances tune again.

Q & A Sessions Are The Devil!

Q & A Sessions Are The Devil!

The leaves are turning orangey.   WalMart and Target are stocked to the ceiling with markers and notebook paper.  School is in the air.  And, so is a great evil.Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Laugh Log facebook pinterest tweets twitter

Along with the clean, white sneakers and brand new lunch pails comes the seemingly endless parade of parent informational meetings.  Just typing that is nearly enough to trigger a migraine in me.

The meetings themselves are, at best, life-sucking wastes of time, where the information disseminated that could have been handled much more efficiently via memo or email.  Of course giving out the information that way would require all parties involved be mature, intelligent adults.

But, we’re dealing with a meeting crowd, and meeting crowds are not filled solely with mature, intelligent adults.   Far from it.

Whatever doubt there might have been as to the presence of stupefied adults in the throng is quickly removed as the Q & A session begins.  It’s more painful to witness than a zombie apocalypse, although there are quite a few similarities.

What is it about any Q & A sessions that bring the morons out of the woodwork?  Is it that they don’t hear the questions they’re asking?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Laugh Log facebook pinterest tweets twitterAt last night’s parent informational meeting people were in such a hurry to prove they had no common sense and lacked the ability to read the papers they were holding that I could barely keep up with writing their nonsense down.  I got a blister on my pointer finger!

What time do we drop the kids off?

Seriously?  What time?  Well, since we just covered the fact that school starts at 8:15AM I’m guessing, and keep in mind that I don’t have a Ph.D. in education or anything, that sometime prior to 8:15AM might be wise.

Why does my shy child have to sing up on stage in front of everyone?

Well, maybe because she signed up for choir as her elective and choirs, as a rule, tend to sing and they tend to do that in front of an audience.

Instead of the 9×12 notebook, is it ok if we get two 6×9 notebooks instead?

Yeah.  You bet.  ‘Cause that’s the same thing.  While you’re at it be sure to pick-up 2 pairs of size 3 shoes instead of the one size 6 your daughter usually gets.  Same thing.

Should I park in the staff parking lot while I walk my son to class?

Yes, you should park in the staff parking lot, because by “staff” they mean “parents who are walking their junior high kid to class.” And, as long as you are so involved in a trip away from reality, be sure to stop by the office and get your “I’m trying to make other kids laugh at my kid” t-shirt to wear while you walk your 12 year old to class.

Don’t forget Mr. I-Was-A-Football-PlayerHumor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Laugh Log facebook pinterest tweets twitter who begins every one of his questions with the phrase “Well, I played football when I was in school…”  no matter what the question is, whilst simultaneously sucking in his gut and thrusting out his chest.  “Well, I played football when I was in school and we didn’t tolerate bullying.”  “Well, I played football when I was in school and we kept our grades up.”  “Well, I played football when I was in school and does anyone know where the bathroom is?  My teeth are floating!”

How about the questions that aren’t questions?  You know the ones.  The questioner starts with what sounds like a question, and rapidly turns it into a narrative covering some event when the questioner was somehow wronged.  “Are we going to do any sausage and cheese sales for fundraisers this year because I don’t see it on the list of fundraisers.  But, I remember when I was working at a Jiffy Lube in south Tempe trying to save up enough to get acrylic nails before the prom and this guy came in and….”

Sometimes these people continue so long that the automatic lights in the building turn off.  Most people use that opportunity to sneak out.  The others are so close to actually being bored to death that they cannot move.

But, by far my favorite stupid questions are the ones that are asked immediately after the answer is given.   Last night the woman leading the meeting I was struggling to survive through said, “On page 2 of the handout you were given when you came in you will find a list of what is required for a student to earn an “A” in the art department each semester this year.  Let’s quickly run through those requirements together.  Number one…”  Then, she proceeded to read through the list that every person in the room was holding and to give a brief, further explanation of each point, clearly hoping to head off any stupid questions. Not her first rodeo.

But, no matter how much planning you do, you can’t out maneuver dumb questioners.

No sooner had the meeting leader finished explaining what a student needed to do to earn an “A” for each semester when the guy next to Mr. Football asked, “What does my daughter have to do to earn an ‘A’ this semester?”

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Laugh Log facebook pinterest tweets twitterThe leader pointed out that the information was in the packet and held her copy up for further clarification, at which point a woman on the far side of the room who had been eating extra crunchy pretzels and doodling on her packet for the duration of the meeting asked, “Can we get a copy of that information?”

Kudos to the meeting leader for not tasering either of those people.  I would have tased them for her, but I forgot to charge mine.

I’ve got three informational meetings at three different schools next week.  Don’t panic if you see sparks.

Just means I remembered to charge it this time

Laugh out loud!

-gina

Been caught up in any ’good’ meetings lately?    Shoot me a comment.   I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Laugh Log – August 28 2012

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Laugh Log facebook pinterest tweets twitterLaugh Log – August 28 2012

Laugh Log is a roundup of (surprise!) stuff that made me laugh recently.  Sometimes it’ll have stuff that made me giggle or think or cry or say ‘Awww’ or wish I had thought of it first.

I decided to go with Laugh Log because I Saw This Stuff Online Or In Real Life And It Made Me Laugh Or Think or Cry Or Say ‘Awww!’ Or Wish I Had Thought Of It First was too long for a title.

So here’s this week’s Laugh Log.

Made Me Laughs On Facebook:

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Laugh Log facebook pinterest tweets twitter

I know, right?!?! I’ve been tempted to type this in reply to a text on many occasions!

 

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Laugh Log facebook pinterest tweets twitter

I hear ya, man. If anyone can understand a lack of understanding, it’s a parent!

 

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Laugh Log facebook pinterest tweets twitter

If my dogs could talk, they would have said this on several occasions.

Momspeak

(stuff I can hardly believe I said out loud to my kids this week):

“Why did you butter both sides of your toast?”

“Give your brother the finger right now!”

“I don’t care if the dog is watching it, turn off the TV!”

 

Kidspeak

(stuff I can hardly believe one of my pack said to me and lived to speak another day):

“If you didn’t work all the time you could stay up all night and do my laundry.”

“If we like leave you alone so you can work, will you earn an extra $3000 a month? ‘Cause we saw this cool house I want us to get, but dad said it would cost like $3000 more a month.  So, can you do that if we’re like really quiet?”

“Your hair is fine.  I’ve seen it look worse at church.”

 

Latest Great Pinterest Stuff Board  (all of these are pinned to one of my other boards as well).  Isn’t it amazing how 5 minutes of Pinterest time is 2 hours of real time?!?!

Thanks to:

Barmy Rootstock for the mention in his great blog I’ve become my parents.  I appreciate the mention.  And, now I understand the rules of French kissing better.  Sort of

L.J. Kentowski for the Sunshine Award nomination in her blog Urban Fantasy Author L.J. Kentowski.  I appreciate you thinking of me.  I will try to be extra sunshiny this week.  And, I will have a cookie.

Great tweets from great tweeps:

I had a tough week and was surprised when I worked on verse this week that it came out about Peace.

My mom, the first day of school, one of our dogs, trying to make ice cubes, a guy talking about cheese, and bad drivers all gave me giggle material this week.    I hope they gave you giggles, too.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What’s caught your eye during your week?  I’m looking forward to hearing about it!  Shoot me a comment with all the details!

 

It’s Not A Road, It’s An Idiot Convention!

It’s Not A Road, It’s An Idiot Convention!

by Gina Valley

I may have to stop driving my kids to school.

It’s bad for my spiritual development.

I am seriously close to turning into a sailor. Maybe even a person who can make a sailor blush.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Bad Drivers School Texting Cursing Insulting Parking LotMy daily interactions with what are clearly the world’s worst drivers are causing me to develop a whole new language. I have come up with insults and cursing only understandable to me.

The worst part is that for the majority of my fellowship time with these intelligence challenged individuals I have children in our van with me, so I can’t even let the amazingly creative diatribes that are pounding around inside my skull blast out of my mouth.

I’m afraid all of that trapped kinetic energy might give me an aneurysm.

While I was driving down the major thoroughfare between the middle school and the elementary campus, this guy driving in the closest on-coming lane apparently had a sudden desire to get some air.  He stopped right in the middle of the street, threw his door open across the center line and into my lane, and stuck his head and his leg out.   I had to slam on my brakes & swerve to avoid taking off his door, head, & leg.

But, don’t worry. He didn’t drop the extra-long cigarette he had stuck to his lip, and the honking of the surrounding drivers didn’t seem to disturb his texting at all.

I may qualify for a doctorate in linguistics based solely upon my creative word work while attempting to leave my son’s high school parking lot.

Coming out of the high school parking lotHumor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Bad Drivers School Texting Cursing Insulting Parking Lot this morning, Idiot Parent #1 turned left from the right hand turn lane, at the same time as Idiot Parent #2 turned right from the left hand turn lane.

Oh. My. Gosh.

Guess how well that turned out!

I was asked if I was a witness and if I’d be willing to give my telephone number so that they could call me later for information about the accident.  I said, good citizen that I am, that I would be happy to give them my number, so that they can call me to show up at court to testify that they are both idiots and that the judge should take away both of their licenses, and require them to be neutered.

They didn’t write down my number.

Some people just don’t appreciate a good Samaritan.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

How are things going on your road?  I’d love to hear all about it.  Shoot me a comment before the light turns green.

You Are RUINING My Eavesdropping Experience!

You Are RUINING My Eavesdropping Experience!

by Gina Valley

I believe it is time for some honesty in parenting.

We do a lot of things for our kids.  Uncountable things.   Infinitely many actions on their behalf.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Honesty Eavesdropping Soccer CheeseAnd, also for our kids, we don’t do a lot of things.  Things that would not be in their best interest.  Like the things I think of when they have just used gravel to “wash” my new car.  Again.

But one of the most misunderstood things we do is sign them up for soccer.

Yes, exercise is good for my kids.  But, that’s not why I sign them up for soccer.

Yes, they make new friends and get to know the old ones better.  But, that’s not why I sign them up for soccer.

Yes, being a team member teaches them valuable life lessons about working together, sportsmanship, and the rewards of hard work.   Yada. Yada. Yada.   But, that’s not why I sign them up for soccer.

I also do not sign them up for soccer so I can schmooze with my friends on the sideline or to tie up all my free time so I don’t end up joining a street gang, although both of those are side effects of the whole youth soccer experience.

No, I sign them up for soccer for one reason and that one reason alone.

To eavesdrop on strangers.

That’s right.  While I am sitting there on the sideline, cheering them on during a game or just watching a practice, my ears are peeled.  And, yours are, too.  Don’t try to deny it.

But, today’s eavesdropping experience was ruined by Mr. Cheese.

I don’t know if that’s his real name, but it should be because Mr. Cheese talked non-stop about cheese.

He started his cheese evangelism with the woman sitting to his right. When she faked death to escape the conversation he focused his cheese-aganda on the man to his left, who clearly wished he’d heeded the warning signs of the ever more distant herd of migrating spectator chairs around him.  Certainly at this point he wished that he too had made a subtle shift to the positioning of his collapsible chair. Subtle as in moved it to the next county or at least to the opponents’ side of the field (like they don’t have their own Mr. Cheese).

After the first 10 minutes of this ever flowing, live, cheese documentary I assumed it would be right in the eyes of the law for me to knock him out.  After another 10 minutes I assumed the law would require it.  By the end of the first quarter people around me were starting to gather with pitchforks and torches.  Well, it was really the torch app on their iPhones, but it was still quite menacing, nonetheless.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Honesty Eavesdropping Soccer CheeseI have nothing against cheese.  I like cheese as much as the average person does.  I eat cheese.  I cook with cheese.  But, cheese is not my life.  Cheese is a part of my life.  A very small part.  Even mice prefer some peanut butter once in a while.  But, I’m pretty sure this guy was living a cheese-centric life.

He talked about cheese through the entire game.  I was surprised he didn’t rush out onto the field during halftime to do a cheese cheer or to march around and make cheese shapes like a marching band.

If you are going to talk about cheese that much, you better be holding a platter of cheese and a big bottle of excellent wine to share with the people around you.

He had no cheese.  He had no wine.  He was over the cheese etiquette line.

And, the worst part of it?

By the end of the game, I was craving a grilled cheese sandwich so badly that I would have knocked down a toddler to get it!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Have you had lunch?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about what you’re hearing all about!

Throwback Thursday – That’s NOT Food!

Throwback Thursday – That’s NOT Food!

This week, just for fun, and because I blew it and posted the wrong thing on Thursday (Been that kinda week) we’re going to have Throwback Thursday on Friday.

Yesterday, Molly, AKA @CrazedKitchen, Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Ice Cube Trays Cat Dog Spill 2 Year Old Winewho is awesome by the way, reminded me about a “recipe” I posted in May.  It seemed apropos for a giggle during this late summer heat.

I hope you cook up a laugh while you read it.

Click here to read:   How To Make Ice Cubes – An Old Family Recipe

Remember, the extra click counts as cardio!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What’s cooking at your house?  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it, so drop me a comment while your ice is cooking.

If It Answers to “Easter Basket” It Must Be Our Dog

If It Answers to “Easter Basket” It Must Be Our Dog

by Gina Valley

We have several dogs.  We love them all very, very much.

One of them is named Douglas.

Douglas is an idiot.  I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Often when I am looking at Douglas I say to him, “It’s a good thing you’re pretty.”

He is pretty.  He’s a labHumor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Dog Dogs Pet Pets Name Forget Smart Dumb Douglas and saluki mix with shiny black fur that is soft like a rabbit’s.   His mouth always looks like it’s smiling.  He has a long tail with a dangling, silky fringe that that never gets tangled.  He’s lean and looks like he could run down a cheetah.  He really is a pretty dog.

He’s also pretty dumb.

Douglas joined our family when he was 9 months old.  His first family had named him “Douglas,” after the black train on the Thomas the Train TV show.  We opted not to change his name because we didn’t want to confuse him.  If we knew then what we know now, we would have just laughed and laughed and laughed at the idea of not confusing him.

Douglas, who is sweet and wonderful with children despite his enormous size, lives in a constant state of confusion.  I swear sometimes the other dogs are laughing at him.  I sometimes scold them for that.  Apparently he isn’t the only confused member of our family.

It took nearly 2 years to teach him to “sit” on command.  It took nearly 4 years to get any kind of acknowledgment from him that when we holler “No!” we are not happy with what he is doing and he should stop.  Even still, sometimes all he does is pause.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Dog Dogs Pet Pets Name Forget Smart Dumb DouglasHe doesn’t wag his tail like normal dogs.  He has an asymmetrical pattern when he puts his tail into motion.  When he’s especially excited about something he does what we call “helicoptering,” which is when his tail just makes continuous, enormous circles.

But, it’s his seeming inability to understand what his name is that is the source of most of our head shaking and giggles.

For the first two years he lived with us we would call out, “Douglas!” to get his attention, and then, having received no acknowledgement whatsoever again, we would call out, “Trixie!” to get Douglas to come to us.  You might remember that Trixie is one of our other dogs who is, sadly, quite ill now.   He’d see Trixie run up to us and he would follow her.  The funny thing is he would run up to us if we called out, “Trixie!” even when Trixie wasn’t home.

But, that was ok.  At least we knew how to get his attention.

And, he is very pretty.

Even though it usually receives no acknowledgement from him we consistently call Douglas “Douglas.”  We are ever hopeful that he will catch on.  But, at 10 years old he still hasn’t.

For almost 6 weeks this past spring he answered solely to the name “Easter Basket.”  Daughter#1 was in a conversation, and when she said, “Easter basket,” Douglas charged across the house, giant paws slipping and sliding, long legs flailing, right up to her.  We thought it was a coincidence.

It’s not unusual for Douglas to make a Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Dog Dogs Pet Pets Name Forget Smart Dumb Douglassudden mad dash through the house for no apparent reason.  We don’t even answer the door if he runs up and barks at it unless the other dogs do, too.  He has excellent hearing.  He even hears, and I think sees, invisible people.

So, scientifically minded people that we are, we tested “The Easter Basket Moniker” theory again later that day.   We had Son#3 sit on the sofa in the family room with no food nearby, as we wondered if Daughter#1 being in the food-centric breakfast room earlier had been the reason he had made his mad, well-timed dash.  Son#3 called out, “Easter Basket!”  Douglas came running.

I’m not sure if Douglas thought “Easter  Basket” was his name or if he had associated “Easter Basket” with candy and was hoping to get some (my dad also comes running at the phrase “Easter Basket.”  He loves him some candy!), but for whatever the reason, for the first time in his near decade as a part of our family, we had a reliable way to call that dog to us.  Gotta admit it felt a little weird hollering it out at the dog park, though.

Since the end of his “Easter Basket” phase we have been back to calling him “Douglas,” while he is back to having no idea that we are talking to him.

Until yesterday.

Yesterday ‘Ole Easter Basket amazed me.

I called out, “Douglas!” and he tore through the house and ran right up next to me, looking at me expectedly.  I was so shocked that it took me a minute to remember I was calling him to see if he needed to go outside.  He went out.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Dog Dogs Pet Pets Name Forget Smart Dumb DouglasTwice more over the next couple hours I called out “Douglas!” and he ran right up to me.  I was so excited that at nearly 10 years old he had finally learned his name.  Sometimes you lower your expectations for certain individuals.  I could hardly wait until my pack got home so I could show them.

So, they got home around dinner time, and I called out “Douglas!” to give him a chance to show off his new found brilliance.  No reaction.  I tried several more times.  I even tried with a Scottish accent.  No dice.  He didn’t even look at me until I walked over to him and petted his head.

Whatever iceberg had popped through the surface of that vast empty ocean that is his brain had sunk back down into the depths.

But, that’s ok.

And, luckily, he is pretty.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Ever have one of those “what’s my name again?” days?  Shoot me a comment.  I’d love to hear all about it!

School? AGAIN? Really?

School? AGAIN? Really?

by Gina Valley

So, it was a very smooth blast off for the first day of school today.

And, by smooth, of course, I mean, NOT SMOOTH AT ALL!

Do they have to go to school again tomorrow?  Is that really necessary?  If so, can they just spend the night there?  ‘Cause this was not a fun morning.

Son#1 did not blast off at all because he has a pinched nerve that keeps him from being able to walk and medicine for it that keeps him from being able to stay awake for more than 10 minute at a time.  I would point out that it does help him to quietly slumber were it not for the fact that he has his dad’s high-volume, so-loud-you-wake-yourself-up, built-in snore machine.  He is looking at universities on line.  That counts as school, right?

Son#2’s goals this morning included avoiding the traditional first day ofHumor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Back To School Injury Injuries Sick Supplies Oversleeping Appearance  Ice Cream  Early Late Kissing school photo shoot with mom (fat chance escaping that, bucko!), avoiding kissing mom good bye (again – fat chance – I don’t care if you think you’re too old to kiss your mom goodbye), and to get to school, “Not too early.”

He did accomplish his last goal, even though that meant walking because “mom drops us off too early.”  He thinks arriving at school more than 30 seconds before class starts is too early.  The inconvenience of self-transport to achieve his optimum arrival time left him with a less than cheerful demeanor.  I’m not gonna say he stormed off to school, but squirrels were saluting as he marched by.

Daughter#1’s goal was to look pretty.  Not a stretch, as she is pretty, and self-motivated herself out of bed an hour early in order to have plenty  of time to perform beauty enhancement rituals.  Unfortunately, this goal of gorgeousness does sometimes run contrary to good moods.  Less sleep, predictably, produced more grumpiness.  It’s the new math!

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Back To School Injury Injuries Sick Supplies Oversleeping Appearance Ice Cream Early Late KissingHer goal is also contrary to good sense as Daughter#1 refused to take a backpack to school to lug the books she will be issued today home, because it “didn’t go” with her outfit.  So, at the end of the day she will be more tired and faced with lugging a stack of textbooks sans helpful container.  That’s gonna be big fun.

Daughter#2 is sick.  She won’t admit she’s sick, but she’s sick.  She has a fever.  She was up most of the night coughing and congested.  She refused to stay home as it’s her first day at a new school.  She said that she would walk the 3 miles to school if she had to.  I made her promise not to lick anyone and to wash her hands frequently as she slid out of the van.  She’s stubborn.  Like me.  She’ll tough it out.  She’ll be cranky as spit by the end of the day.

Daughter#3 likes to be a little bit early to school, and by “a little bit early” sheHumor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Back To School Injury Injuries Sick Supplies Oversleeping Appearance Ice Cream Early Late Kissing means being on campus no less than an hour before school starts.   She greeted the reminder from me this morning that we had to drop off her brothers first, and thus she would only be about 15 minutes early, with the expected storminess.

Then, on the way to school, the streets were closed because of a traffic accident (some people are so selfish!) so she barely made it in the door on time.  From the sound of her grumbling I am pretty sure the clouds will be staying for the day.

Son#3 wanted to sleep for 5 more minutes.  Not usually a problem.  A problem this morning because he wanted to sleep for 5 more minutes (and did!) 15 times.  He almost had to dress in the van on the way to school!  He was also not happy that I would not let him bring his breakfast of choice into the van.  Powdered donut! I don’t think so!

Son#4 did not want to bring the package of 3 boxes of Kleenex I bought for his classroom with him.  It was on his list, so I bought it.  It made his backpack stick out, so he hated it.  Hated it so much that his over-tired self was practically yelling that he didn’t need it.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Gina Valley Back To School Injury Injuries Sick Supplies Oversleeping Appearance Ice Cream Early Late KissingI remember when his brother had the same teacher and I know she will ask for it today.  I know she will form opinions about student behavior today and I know he’s a talker, so I know he needs all the positive mojo having everything on his list will give him.  He just wants a flat backpack.  That didn’t happen.  Tantrum did.

Hopefully, they will have fun seeing their friends today.

Hopefully, they will have interesting teachers.

Hopefully, they will find their positive attitudes and come home filled with energy and joy.

Hopefully, I still have some chocolate chip ice cream hidden in the back of the freezer.

Just in case.

Hopefully.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

How’s the weather looking where you are? Any storms on the horizon?  Shoot me a comment with the details.  I look forward to hearing all about it.