gina valley

The Glamorous Life Of The Modern Day Soccer Mom

gina valley - The Glamorous Life Of The Modern Day Soccer Mom

Give Me A Sign!..Preferably In Large Easy-To-Read-Font

Give Me A Sign!..Preferably In Large Easy-To-Read-Font

I’ll tell you what we need in this country.  We need more signs.  Clear.  Legible. Specific signs.  And lots of them.

People want to know stuff.  And, the smaller the people the more stuff they want to know, causing them to ask bigger people who are trying to drive the van.Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter  Gina Valley Signs Travel Road Trip Van Car People Brain Cell Signage Bat Farmland Crops Poodles Trucks UFO Resin Tank Axle Stockyard Stench  Sign  The bigger people then have to apply their last two functioning brain cells to figure out what should not have to be figured out, when they really ought to be using those cells to stay in their lane and to watch out for low flying bats (First night of this trip, middle of the night, driving up the 5 in central California, a big bat flew right in front of my windshield.  Either that or it was a low flying dog.  Either way, l almost had a heart attack).  That’s probably why we have so many freeway accidents.  It’s not the lousy drivers; it’s a lack of proper signage.

It’s so beautiful to drive through miles of farmland, but what could be a relaxing pastoral experience is turned into a stressful quiz as little ones see the crops and ask, “What are they growing?”  You can’t say that you don’t know because then the 2 year old wants to know why you don’t know and that discussion could take all day and more energy than a 6 pack of Red Bulls can give you.

So, you look out the window and size up the plant.  After all, you eat.  Surely you can identify food in its most natural state.  But, let’s face it, if it’s not a grape vine or a fully loaded lemon tree you’re never gonnaHumor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter  Gina Valley Signs Travel Road Trip Van Car People Brain Cell Signage Bat Farmland Crops Poodles Trucks UFO Resin Tank Axle Stockyard Stench  Sign be able to figure it out.

You try though, right?  This trip, in my sleep deprived, road-ragged state, I actually told a kid that the field we were passing full of large fluffy white puffs mixed in with the shiny green leaves was a field of poodle plants (I wonder if they’ve covered where puppies come from in school yet).

A simple sign could have prevented this travesty of information.

Trucks hauling giant things covered with tarps, or worse yet not covered, have nearly caused me to drive off the road several times this week.  Once because I was so focused on trying to see through the little gap in the tarp, and twice because I thought anything would be better than hearing “What is that?” one more time.

A simple sign.  That’s all I’m asking for.  “This is an axle for a tank.”  “This is a bladder full of resin.”  “This is a UFO.  Shhhh! Don’t tell.  It’s a secret.”  Would that be so hard? I’m willing to buy the markers to make them.

Signs should be placed strategically to warn us of upcoming items of significance, such as stock yards.  If we knew the smell was coming we could takeHumor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter  Gina Valley Signs Travel Road Trip Van Car People Brain Cell Signage Bat Farmland Crops Poodles Trucks UFO Resin Tank Axle Stockyard Stench  Sign some precautions, such as rolling up the windows and putting on gas masks.  Twice on this trip, before we caught sight of the true source of the stench, we thought it was emanating from inside the van and opened the windows to air out the cabin.  Although we instantly realized our mistake, we couldn’t get the windows up fast enough to keep from tasting that smell for the next 30 miles.

A simple sign. Just a few words.  “Don’t breathe – Next 2 miles.”

Is that so much to ask?

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What’s new with you?  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it!  Please, shoot me a comment!

Now THAT’S An Angry Bird

So, I have like the worst headache ever.  I’m pretty sure my head is going to explode. It is a bit inconvenient as I am traveling with my pack.  Well, that and the fact that it hurts like crazy.  So, while they are fishing with Papa, playing cards with Gramma, and jumping on the giant water trampoline their aunt anchored in Papa’s lake for them, I am going to hide under a pillow in one of the guest rooms and try to out sleep this migraine.

But, I couldn’t go a day without trying to bring you a giggle.

So, here is a bird I met while we were traveling this week.   I’m not sure exactly why she is angry, but clearly it is something I did.

I hope she gives you a giggle.

Laugh Out Loud!

(but try to laugh quietly ‘til my headache passes, ok?)

-gina

Anyone angry with you this week?  Shoot me a comment.  I look forward to hearing all about it!

Shoes, Everyone?

Road trip!!!

The OCD in me was stressing all week because we couldn’t head out at 4AM to “get a jump on the day,” which tells me I am turning into my father.  But, Daughter#3’s leg wound check-up this afternoon took precedence, as it should have.

Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Road Trip Prayer Giggle Shoes Inspection Hunger Hug Country Music Hard Rock Beyonce Single Ladies Cows Sheep Foul Odor M&M’sAfter her doctor gave the thumbs up for her to travel, albeit with a “no swimming for 3 more days” clause (no problem, not like my parents live on a lake. Oh wait, yes they do! She will not be happy staying away from the water!), we loaded up the van with what seemed to be an unending pile of “necessities,” insisted everyone try to off-load one more time (we’ve had to stop to find a loo before we even got to the freeway before), and piled into the van.

Today’s leg of the trip has been heavy on the “road” side of the road trip.  Not too many “trips,” though.  We did have the privilege of joining every single car in southern California on the 5 Freeway as we attempted to head out of Los Angeles. It’s so nice when the freeway goes from rapid traffic thoroughfare to Friday night parking lot and block party.  I just wish I had remembered to bring beach balls!

We like to start every trip with a giggle and a prayer.

The Professor blessed us with a prayer before he hugged us all good-bye.

Daughter#1 blessed us with a giggle while we were still in our driveway.  She didn’t so much pass the “Shoe Inspection” in that she didn’t so much have any shoes.  As she dashed back into our house for footwear I was overwhelmed with an uncontrollable need to roll my eyes.  After all, we instituted the pre-blast off shoe check for toddlers.  She will be 16 years old next month.  Another reminder that no matter how grown up they are, they will always be my babies.

We were on the road almost 5 minutes before we had to hit a drive –thru because several of my pack members were “starving!”  I don’t know what they use toHumor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Road Trip Prayer Giggle Shoes Inspection Hunger Hug Country Music Hard Rock Beyonce Single Ladies Cows Sheep Foul Odor M&M’s design vehicle interiors, but whatever it is it triggers instant hunger in my pack.  Heck, just vacuuming out the van the other day made everyone come in and want a second dinner!

Son#1took the first shift driving, which was awesome for me.  I was happy to miss dealing with the stop and go traffic heading out of LA.  On the other hand, following our “the driver picks the radio station” rule meant I wasn’t allowed to complain about his country music selections (have I mentioned that country music is the devil?).  Apparently, the country music appreciation gene skips a generation, because I hate it, but my parents and all of my kids are huge country music fans. Of course, turnabout is fair play so my hard rock was blasting during my shifts.

Somehow we landed on a hip hop station for a while and everyone sang Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” at the top of our lungs.  Nothing like a sing along to bring on the giggles! Our dancing was somewhat hampered by our seat belts, but we made a valiant effort!

After we finally got out of LA it was nice to drive through the farm land, and to see all of the cattle.  I love how “Cows!” gets hollered by everyone every time we come upon another herd.  It reminds me of when we were on a road trip and Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Road Trip Prayer Giggle Shoes Inspection Hunger Hug Country Music Hard Rock Beyonce Single Ladies Cows Sheep Foul Odor M&M’spassing through a rural area when Sons#3 & 4 were 2 and 3 years old.  They were so delighted with all of the farm animals we were passing that they were hollering every time they saw some.  I remember hearing Son#3, always an organizer, explain to Son#4, “When I see a cow, I’ll say ‘Holy cow!’ When you see a sheep, you say ‘Holy sheep!’”  Still makes me giggle every time I see a sheep and remember it.

At one point today a terribly offensive vapor in the van caused us to open the windows for fresh air. Our relief was short-lived, though, as we rapidly realized the source of the nasty invading entity was outside, and far from relieving the smell, opening the windows served to boost the foul odor to the point that we could actually taste it.  After the feeling in our tongues had come back, Son#1 remarked that, “They really should be required to plant a stand of mint around whatever that was!”  Don’t worry. Our vision is almost back to normal now, too.

Revelations For The Day:

A watched odometer never turns.

No matter how old they are they will always be your babies.

Cruise control and air conditioning are gifts from God.   So is Dramamine!

If you shine a flashlight on a yellow bag of M&M’s in the van at night half of the occupants think something is on fire and freak out a little.  If you laugh when they freak out, they get cranky.  Really cranky.  I’ll try not to laugh next time.

Question of the day:

Is a King-sized bag of M&M’s a healthy dinner?Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Road Trip Prayer Giggle Shoes Inspection Hunger Hug Country Music Hard Rock Beyonce Single Ladies Cows Sheep Foul Odor M&M’s

It has peanuts, which are protein, and a variety of colors, which I am pretty sure I remember my dietician saying is an indication of vitamins.

The squealing you hear in the next few minutes is due to the milk shake stop I’m surprising my pack with.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What made you laugh on your way through today?  Shoot me a comment – I’m looking forward to hearing all about it!

That’s NOT A Squirrel!

That’s NOT A Squirrel!

by Gina Valley

 

Dear Family,

As you know, yesterday, while I was doing laundry in preparation for our imminent departure on our summer road trip, it was brought to my attention, by my nose, that some woodland creature had apparently chosen one of theHumor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Squirrel Road Trip Laundry Room Smell Death Rot Woodland Creatures Garage Costco Aroma Resting Place Movie Turner Hooch Hindsight Blueberries Feta Cheese Salmon Refrigerator walls of our garage as its final resting place.  This was, of course a sad revelation to all of us, especially for what likely had been one of the many neighborhood squirrels.

Last night it became even more difficult to think about some poor squirrel alone in our wall, especially because the aroma it was producing was nearly gag-inducing, keeping me from being able to complete a thought and making my eyes water.

So, as The Professor and I had made the decision to exhume and transfer the esteemed creature’s remains to a more suitable location (Can you flush squirrel?), I started sniffing around in the garage trying to pinpoint specifically the squirrel’s semi-final resting place.

While I was hunting for the lair of the remains formerly known as “Squirrel Running Through Yard” something reminded me that I hadn’t thanked whichever individual helped me by unloading the car when I got home from Costco a few days ago.

You will all likely recall that I was cutting it very close time-wise with an important conference call, and had hollered something to that effect as I dashed into my office.  At least one of you also heard me holler before I shut the door, “Would someone please bring in the Costco stuff?  There’s a box in the back seat.”

When I emerged from my office,Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Squirrel Road Trip Laundry Room Smell Death Rot Woodland Creatures Garage Costco Aroma Resting Place Movie Turner Hooch Hindsight Blueberries Feta Cheese Salmon Refrigerator post successful conference-call, you were all quite engaged in our darkened family room watching Turner & Hooch.  I asked if anyone had brought in the Costco stuff, generating a chorus of affirmative grunts.

I didn’t pursue the matter further to determine who I should specifically thank for their helpfulness, because Tom Hanks, aka Turner, had just been saved by his dog, Hooch, who was injured in the process, and frankly it was a very emotional time for all of us.

Now, I realize that I should have taken time then to find out who specifically had helped me out.  I’ve got that whole “hindsight’s 20/20” thing goin’ now!

So, although I do not know who specifically I should be thanking, and something tells me I never will know, I would still like to take a moment to thank whoever brought in the box of groceries from Costco 3 days ago.  Thank you for the effort you made.

Now, I don’t mean to trivialize your efforts, so please don’t take this the wrong way.  But, I would appreciate it if next time, in addition to bringing in the box and setting it next to the refrigerator in the garageHumor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Squirrel Road Trip Laundry Room Smell Death Rot Woodland Creatures Garage Costco Aroma Resting Place Movie Turner Hooch Hindsight Blueberries Feta Cheese Salmon Refrigerator, if you would also unpack the box and put the blueberries, feta cheese, and salmon INTO the refrigerator or at least train them to climb in there on their own.

Today they are nearly ambulatory and very unhappy.

Especially the salmon.

We may have to move.

On a positive note, apparently our squirrel population remains alive and well.

Love,

mom

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Anything making you climb the walls this week?  Tell me all about it! I love your comments.

Synchronized Complaining – The Newest Olympic Sport

Synchronized Complaining – The Newest Olympic Sport

by Gina Valley

Like most adults, and every parent, I wish I had chosen paper plates for my wedding china pattern.  Anything to avoid the post dinner rush for excuses to dodge dinner dish-duty.

The miraculous shift on the part of my off-spring from happy diners to disgruntled juveniles is nearly instantaneous at the announcement that it isHumor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Synchronized Sport Demonstration Olympic Complaining Dinner Dishes Washing Cleaning Avoiding Chores Team Cookies “time to clean up dinner.”  It’s almost like a synchronized complaining team (I’m pretty sure that Synchronized Complaining is a demonstration sport this year at the Olympics.  It’s widely assumed that the International Olympic Committee will recognize its world-wide appeal and enormous contestant pool and make it an official sport for the 2016 Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro, Brasil).

Upon arrival of the dish bewitching hour a surprisingly consistent variety of mystery ailments arise and afflict the children in my home:

Son#1 must suddenly lie down as he is instantly taken ill or develops a sudden back problem and can no longer stand.

Son#2 must retire to the facilities immediately as his having ingested everything possible, short of the table top itself, has suddenly required off-loading.

Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Synchronized Sport Demonstration Olympic Complaining Dinner Dishes Washing Cleaning Avoiding Chores Team CookiesDaughter#1 must also visit the facilities (thankfully we have multiple facilities!) as she did in fact consume the suggested 8 glasses of water today, but unfortunately did so entirely at dinner.

Daughter#2 slips into a fit of rage and begins a long-winded seemingly unending rant because “No one else is helping!”

Daughter#3 silently disappears until she has heard the clink of the last fork being loaded into the dishwasher.

Son#3 will remain in his seat at the dinner table and continue to eat until all dishes are done, bath time is over, and everyone is in bed.

Son#4 lies on the floor and yells and screams about always having to do everything until there is nothing left to do.

Niece#1 can’t help with the dishes until sheHumor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Synchronized Sport Demonstration Olympic Complaining Dinner Dishes Washing Cleaning Avoiding Chores Team Cookies understands why.  Why do we have to clear our place? Why do we have to wash the dishes?  Why does Auntie G have a headache?

Niece#2 does not want anyone to touch her plate or her glass or her fork.   She insists on loading it into the dishwasher herself, while chanting the standard 2-year-old mantra, “Mine, mine, mine!”  And, by dishwasher she means the cupboard with the cookies.  The cookies are also “Mine, mine, mine!”

I wonder if they sell paper pots and pans.

And, do we really need dinner every night?

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Is your team practicing for the Olympics?   Shoot me a comment – I’m looking forward to hearing all about it!

The Emergency Room – Like Disneyland, But Cheaper

The Emergency Room – Like Disneyland, But Cheaper

by Gina Valley

Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Disneyland Emergency Room Vacation Destination Ambulance Magic Kingdom Summer Dining Parking Exhausted

Considering going to Disneyland this summer?  Save yourself some money and go to the ER instead.  It’s practically the same thing and a whole lot cheaper!

Certainly, the ER is not a well recognized vacation destination (Except to my family.  We hit it several times a year), but think about it:  the employees are all dressed in costumes, a sandwich will run you $12, they nail you for at least $100 just to walk through the door, they take your picture, and the piped in music may not be It’s A Small World but it causes the same insanity.

Plus, emergency rooms are easy to find – just follow an ambulance to the ER nearest to your home – and offer loads of free parking.

This year, why not head off to the real magic kingdom for a change?

The first order of business during your visit to the ER is to wait in line andHumor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Disneyland Emergency Room Vacation Destination Ambulance Magic Kingdom Summer Dining Parking Exhausted to hand over your credit card, exactly like at  Disneyland!  And, the similarities don’t stop there!

A variety of rides are available.  The Wheel Chair Round Up is the ride most visitors choose to go on first.  Depending on the operator, this can be a relaxing jaunt or a thrilling free-for-all.   The “Doctors Only” Stool Spin becomes more and more irresistible as the evening wears on, but it’s not recommended for those who’ve had a meal before arriving or whose visit was spurned on due to a head wound.

For a special group of visitors to the ER, Try To Hit The Basin provides a “fun” test of aiming skills, while the smaller Fill The Cup provides a test of both mettle and determination.

The ER House Of Horrors, which included live leeches, filthy hands, and frequent amputations, has been closed for 100 years, but roving characters, including Scary Lab Tech, Super Phlebotomist, and Shaky Handed Nurse, provide a throw-back to years gone by.

Show schedule and topics change daily, sometimes hourly, but often include Patient Screaming Randomly In Next Bay, Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Disneyland Emergency Room Vacation Destination Ambulance Magic Kingdom Summer Dining Parking Exhausted Old Man Who Lost His Pants, Nurse Gossip Hour, and Addict Demanding Drugs From Receptionist.

Fun attractions and games include the shocking How Much Do You Really Weigh?, Guess When The Buzzing Flickering Florescent Light Will Go Out, and The Parade Of Gurneys.

Not to be out done by the original Magic Kingdom, ER’s offer a variety of fine dining experiences, including The Psycho-esque Basement Cafeteria Right Next To The Morgue and Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Disneyland Emergency Room Vacation Destination Ambulance Magic Kingdom Summer Dining Parking Exhausted Bank of Vending MachinesFuzzy Candy From The Bottom Of Mom’s Purse is available seasonally.

Nearby accommodations include Sticky Back-Killing Waiting Room ChairsEmpty Bed In The Next Bay They May Need Any Second, Spare Gurney In The Hall, and They Call This A Sleeping Chair But It’s Really Vinyl Hell. No Autoclub discounts are given.

And, just like with Disneyland, although you were glad to arrive there a mere 12 hours earlier, you are nothing but thrilled and exhausted when it’s time to go home!

But, just like Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Disneyland Emergency Room Vacation Destination Ambulance Magic Kingdom Summer Dining Parking Exhausted Disneyland, the ER likes to have the last laugh.  It enjoys a hearty one as you drag your exhausted family, trailing their pink plastic pitcher and golden rod basin souvenirs behind them, throughout the parking lot trying to remember which car you brought and where you left it.

Be sure to take lots of pictures.  It’s a vacation you’ll never forget!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Have you been anywhere magical lately?  How about somewhere not so magical?   I’d love to hear all about it – I’m looking forward to your comments!

Mysteries of the Kid-iverse

I’ve successfully completed courses in advanced physics and graduate level applied mathematics, but I’m still stymied by the mysteries of the Kid-iverse.

Why can every child on the planet work the most complicated video game controller with ease, but can’t work the flushing mechanism on the toilet afterHumor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Mysteries Mystery Kidiverse Universe Xbox Game Controller Laundry Cell Phone CD Sleep Vomit Lego Hug Twix Snickers PTA he’s done offloading?

Why must a child be dragged out of bed at 7:30AM to get ready for school, but will fly out unaided at 4:30AM on weekends and holidays when you could have slept in?

Why will a child interrupt your video conference call to tell you the dog may have eaten a fly, but will wait until after she finishes watching Sponge Bob to mention to you the toilet is overflowing and water-falling down the stairs?

Why is it that the more guests you have the higher the probability is your toddler will assume pants and undies are optional at dinner?

Why will kids sit on the floor and complain for two hours rather than completing a simple 5 minute chore?

Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Mysteries Mystery Kidiverse Universe Xbox Game Controller Laundry Cell Phone CD Sleep Vomit Lego Hug Twix Snickers PTAWhy will kids walk past their bureau and their closet with their clean, freshly hung and folded laundry and shove it into their toy bin or bookshelf?

Why do kids refuse to eat a French fry that has even touched their macaroni and cheese, but will instantly pop into their mouth what we are hoping was a Twix bar they found on the ground covered with grass and dirt at the park?

How do children vomit more than half of their body weight, then immediately want something to eat?

Why do kids become best friends with any kid at the park but refuse to even say “hello” to their cousin when he comes to stay for a week?

Why does every kid remember to shut off their video game so the screen won’t get ruined, but can’t remember to turn off the lights in their room?

Why do kids know the exact square centimeter in the lawn in the backyard that they buried their Lego guy in, but can’t remember which toilet they flushed your keys down?

Why will kids let the dog lick inside their mouth but refuse to let their Aunt Willimina hug them hello?

Why can’t a child hear you ask him to take out the trash when he’s in the same room as you, but can hear you open a Snicker bar in your kitchen while he’s playing video games at the neighbor kid’s house 4 doors up the street?Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Mysteries Mystery Kidiverse Universe Xbox Game Controller Laundry Cell Phone CD Sleep Vomit Lego Hug Twix Snickers PTA

Why can any child explain every mysterious feature of your new cell phone to you, but needs a seminar to know how to shut the refrigerator door?

How come a child never mentions that your pants are unzipped and your shirt’s on backwards until after you have given your speech to the PTA?

How come a kid will always notice you forgot to bring his World’s Most Annoying Sounds Masquerading As Music CD for your cross-country family road trip before you’ve even buckled your seat belt, but doesn’t notice he forgot to bring shoes until you pull into grandma’s driveway?

I guess there’s some things we’re not meant to understand.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What mysteries have your brain spinning? Shoot me a comment and tell me all about it!

We Need More Dragon Slides Of Death

Remember the 12 foot high Dragon Slide of Death?  I don’t think that’s what the manufacturer called it, but that’s the reality-based name us kidsHumor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Dragon Slide Rungs Ladder Sand Diamond Cat Poop Empire State Building Sheet Metal  Safety Rails Wax Paper gave the giant metal beast at our neighborhood park.

The great thing about that slide was EVERYTHING!

The climb up culled the weak and thinned the crowd.  The rungs had once been painted but years of wear and tear and love had polished them to a slick stainless steel.  They absorbed the afternoon heat which, along with fear, made your palms sweat and your grip become precarious at best.

There was no question that you would slip on the climb up.  The rungs were spaced too far apart for children to safely navigate and, although as an adult I saw that it was in fact vertical, as a kid attempting to conquer it that ladder always felt like it was leaning back a bit.

Yes, you would slip.

The only question was whether you would find yourself suddenly dangling, thankful you’d kept two hands on the rungs, your feet kicking about hopelessly in search of a rung to plant themselves on in an effort to regain footing, after having knocked the two kids below you off the ladder. Or, would you instead be seeing stars after having lost your grip along with your footing, bouncing your crotch off a lower rung, and landing on the sand below the slide.

Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Dragon Slide Rungs Ladder Sand Diamond Cat Poop Empire State Building Sheet Metal  Safety Rails Wax Paper Oh the sand! Remember the sand? Placed there to protect children; to provide a gentle surface to lessen injuries during the many inevitable spills and boggles of child-play.  That sand was packed down so hard that when you fell on it you longed for the sweet cushion of concrete.

Landing on its diamond hard surface meant someone needed to go get your mom so she could figure out whether you needed stitches…again… or just a quick swab with that excruciatingly painful, smelly rubbing alcohol to kill the germs and a piece of duct tape to keep your brain from falling out.

Of course there were a few soft-spots in the old sand box.  Didn’t take long for anyone to realize what animal had plowed up the tiny fluffy areas and what it had buried there.  So, landing on one of the soft spots definitely meant someone had to go get your mom.  You couldn’t possibly make it home with that stuck on you! You just had to hope that someone was on their way to get her as every kid on the playground took off screaming when you landed in that buried treasure.

When you finally reached the summit of the great beast it took your breath away.  Surely your tiny young self could see for miles.  You just hadHumor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Dragon Slide Rungs Ladder Sand Diamond Cat Poop Empire State Building Sheet Metal  Safety Rails Wax Paper  to be sure not to look down.  A 12 foot drop looks Empire State-like when you’re less than 4 feet tall!

The tiny platform at the top had a dragon head cut out of sheet metal on each side, complete with sharp horns and spewing fire silhouette, both of which provided ample places for your sweatshirt to get snagged causing you to hang helplessly at the top of the slide when you tried to begin your descent.  You’d be stuck like that until you managed to wriggle yourself out of your sweatshirt.

If you made the mistake of holding onto the dragon heads as you slid yourself into position on the platform the razor sharp metal would likely slice open the palms of both hands.  That wouldn’t cause you too much trouble, though, because the tiny 2inch high side “safety” rails running down the length of the slide were really too small for even a little child to hang onto, even if they hadn’t been heated by the afternoon sun to well over 5000 degrees.

Of course the safety rails weren’t really that important during your descent anyway.  You only had to mess up once to learn that leaning was a bad idea that was prelude to a long fall with a sudden stop at the end.

Once you were lined up and ready to go the ride down that shiny metal chute, perfectly positioned such as it was to absorb every ray of the afternoon sun, was a split-second, scalding adventure.  And quick as that trip was it was never quick enough. That’s why my Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Dragon Slide Rungs Ladder Sand Diamond Cat Poop Empire State Building Sheet Metal  Safety Rails Wax Paper parents gave us waxed paper to slide on so we could speed up that smoldering death drop.  Not only did that little trick help you make the jump to light speed, the scalding slide would often ignite the waxed paper and you would have flames and smoke traveling down with you. How cool was that?!?!

The end of the slide had a short flat region that appeared to the uninitiated to be some sort of braking zone.  In fact it was much more a breaking zone, as it served mainly to launch you into the air as you reached the end of your ride, causing you to land squarely on your rear so hard that it brought tears to your eyes, even though you had always, even in the middle of the afternoon during a heat wave in July, landed in the middle of a mud puddle.

Then, what did you do after you had finished your terrifying, often painful, always thrilling ride down the Dragon Slide of Death?

You took a deep breath, brushed off the mud you could, and started up the ladder again.

Just like in life.

You know, maybe we need to bring back the Dragon Slide of Death.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What’s your playground favorite?  Shoot me a comment.  I look forward to hearing all about it.

Hope

Hope

Poetry Poem Humor Funny Parenting Moms Dads Kids Children Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Sons Daughters Brothers Sisters Hope Trees Rain Rainbow Singing Sleeping Stars Smile Sunshine Music Springtime Heart Hero

Photo courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission

Hope

In the rain and the rainbow

Singing and sleeping

The dew and the grass

 

In the twinkling of stars

Laughter of children

The smile of age

 

In the leaves of the trees

Sunshine

The coming dawn

 

In the music of springtime

Aroma of sweetness

The hidden blush of the bloom

 

In the beat of a heart

Breath of a hero

The eyes of love

- gina valley