gina valley

The Glamorous Life Of The Modern Day Soccer Mom

gina valley - The Glamorous Life Of The Modern Day Soccer Mom

We Can’t Have Nice Things!!!

We Can’t Have Nice Things!!!

by Gina Valley

Today, I hope you’ll join me and the fun peeps over at VoiceBoks to laugh along with my How NOT To Install A Water Feature. Here’s a snippet of what you’ll find there:

My teenage son decided to simplify cleaning his fish tank yesterday by using our wet/dry shop vacuum to remove most of the water from the large aquarium in his bedroom.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley We Can’t Have Nice Things

I would like to note, for the official record, I was unaware of my progeny’s plan to mix water, electricity, and non-marine biology. Had I been made aware of his intentions in advance, I would have vetoed his plan, which is probably why I was not made aware of his intentions in advance.

He shooed his fish to one end of the tank, and put the vacuum hose into the water at the other end.

He seemed quite confident his little aqua-animals would be frightened by the vacuum hose, and choose to stay at the other end of their aquarium home. He was right. That’s exactly what they did.

Unfortunately, what I’m sure was a vitally important text message came through on his phone, momentarily distracting him from the task at hand. As he turned his attention to his electronic addiction, he relaxed his hold on the vacuum hose, just a little.

The vacuum hose, no doubt intoxicated by its new-found freedom, took the opportunity to…

Join me over at VoiceBoks for the rest of the laughs. As always, the extra click counts as cardio!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Any free range water features in your home? Are your family members helpful when they help? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing what you think.

Photo courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

A Day At The Beach Is No Day At The Beach!!! …Gina’s Favorites

A Day At The Beach Is No Day At The Beach!!! …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

We’ve been spending a much time as possible at the beach this summer, so I figured my A Day At The Beach Is No Day At The Beach!!! post would be just right for Throwback Day this week.
Laugh along with this Gina’s Favorites post.

A Day At The Beach Is No Day At The Beach!!!

Some people travel to the seashore to breathe in the salt air. Some, to watch the majestic waves crash onto the shore. Others, to relax on the warm sand.

We go to the beach so our kids will have a new place to whine.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley A Day At The Beach Is No Day At The Beach!!! ...Gina's FavoritesThese same children who have been whining about wanting to go the beach every day since we left there last week, began whining, “How long do we have to stay?” and “It’s so cold!” before we’d even finished hiking from our van to the sand today.

Granted, the wind was a bit chilly, and there were small icebergs floating around in the water, but that’s why everyone is supposed to bring a sweatshirt. Or, a parka. Whichever. Weather at the shore is a bit unpredictable.

We visit the beach weekly during the summer, but somehow my kids are not only surprised, but actually disgusted by the sand that tends to be pretty much everywhere. I’ve never understood this. I’m fairly certain it’s the sand that makes the location a beach in the first place.

My children nearly will themselves to hover in an effort to avoid touching the offending grains. Naturally, these same children are the ones who shower everyone nearby with a sandstorm as they repeatedly shake out their towels in a quest to create the perfect, lump-free sunning zone. The sand shower recipients then feel a responsibility to whine about their sandblasting to everyone within earshot.

Not to be limited to the sand medium, my kids charged into the water, where they found all sorts of additional material to add to their whining repertoire. Naturally, the water was too wet and too cold. But, they also wove complaints about slimy seaweed chunks, possible shark sightings, and arguments about who caught the largest wave on their boogie board into the mix.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley A Day At The Beach Is No Day At The Beach!!! ...Gina's FavoritesMy kids, as they always do, drifted farther and farther down the coast, away from me. I like to maintain the illusion that, were they to run into trouble in the water, I could dash over, dive in, and swim to their aid.  That illusion is tough enough to sell when they’re bobbing 50 yards out in the water, straight in front of me.  It’s nearly impossible to pull off when they have drifted down the coast into the next county.

Plus, they use the 6 miles of waves and seaweed between us as a convenient excuse to pretend they can’t hear me when I’m asking them important questions, like “Are you cold?” “Did you unplug your curling iron before we left?”, and “Where is your bathing suit?”

Fortunately, we were able to find a spot right next to the life guard shack.  This provided me with a feeling of security. In the event my kids needed rescuing and I were to charge off to save them, it’s good to know someone would be available to drag me back to my towel after my legs cramped up and I fell flat on my face into the sand before even reaching the water.

My daughters watched the lifeguard with the intensity of Olympic judges. Or, giddy teenage girls. The whole curling-of-the-hair-before-going-to-the-beach thing started to make sense. I guess we all prepare for possible emergency situations in our own way. Who am I to judge? I carry a snake bite kit in my purse & we live in the middle of a major city.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley A Day At The Beach Is No Day At The Beach!!! ...Gina's FavoritesWhen my seafaring sons returned to our towel-based, base-camp they took great pride in including their sisters in their ocean adventure by splattering them with cold ocean water. Of course, this triggered an onslaught of whining about being cold, being wet, and having perfectly curled hair get messed up.

Not to be out whined by their sisters, my sons began their own whiny chorus to draw attention to the fact that they were “starving!”  They, then, proceeded to inhale all of the snacks and sandwiches we’d brought. In their haste, they also scarfed down two towels and a flip flop.

My announcement that it was time to pack up to head home was greeted by the expected whining about wanting to stay longer and why did we park so blasted far away.

I managed to not only not whine about all of the whining, but to even smile about it.

After all, at least it’s something we can do together as a family.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What triggers whining in your family? How do you handle it?  Shot me comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission

School Is A 4 Letter Word!!!

School Is A 4 Letter Word!!!

by Gina Valley

I don’t want to hear it.

I’ve been making a valiant effort to avoid it. Yes, I’m in denial and I know that’s not healthy and I don’t care.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley School Is A 4 Letter Word!!!It’s the middle of summer. Stop saying “school.”

We’re in the middle of heat wave. Stop saying “school.”

It’s still July, for goodness sake. Stop saying “school.”

School can’t start. I don’t even have tan lines yet. We haven’t even gone on vacation yet. And, frankly, simultaneously shopping for bathing suits, school supplies, and winter boots is not my idea of a good time.

The far greater majority of our days are already dominated by school:

Getting to school.

Getting home from school.

Getting homework done.

Going back to school to get the book to get the homework done.

They say a school year is 180 days, but that doesn’t include the weekends, evenings, and holidays spent working on school projects and participating on school academic, artistic, and athletic teams.

It’s really closer to 432 days per year.

Even during the summer, we’re still deep in the school mix with summer reading lists and sports practices, not to mention calls, emails, and letters from our schools about overdue text books and upcoming orientations.

It’s nonstop.

But, couldn’t we, just for a little while, just for a couple months, go with the unhealthy and be in denial? Couldn’t we pretend that great wave of academia is not looming, every-present, waiting to crash down upon us? Couldn’t we just ignore the giant textbook-toting elephant in the living room and kitchen and newspaper in nearly everyone’s home for just a little while?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley School Is A 4 Letter Word!!!Is it really a break from school when we’re always surrounded by headlines, emails, ads, and tweets about school? Is it really a break from school when even the gift shop at Disneyland has a Back to School aisle?  Is it really a break from school when both the local teacher supply store and the liquor store are sporting “Stock up: School Starts Soon!” banners?

Yes, our kids need a break from the grip of academia, but we, their parents, need one even more.

Or, at least I know I do.

So, chill out, Target.

Relax, WalMart.

Take a break, Macy’s.

Call back later, Verizon.

Sign off Yahoo, Google, and Amazon.

No, I don’t want to save 70% on school supplies this week. No, I don’t want to buy one book bag, get one half off today. No, I don’t want to read about the top 10 ways to fight summer brain drain right this second. No, I don’t want to get the latest 4G devices to give my kids an electronic, educational edge this month.

What I want is for this summer break to last another couple years, or at least to have the time off we have left to be free from the mention of school.

I want to look at the giant pile of wet swimsuits and dripping beach towels, and to not think about the giant pile of school clothes soon to replace it.

I want to forget to make dinner until 9:30pm, without thinking it’s really about time to get everyone on a decent sleep schedule, so they can get out of bed in the mornings for school.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley School Is A 4 Letter Word!!!

I want to think about sand and sunshine and caterpillars, not pens and notebooks and carpool schedules.

I want my kids to be looking for water balloons and beach towels and marshmallows, not PE clothes and math books and backpacks.

And, the only thing I’d like to see in an ad is a new beach chair, preferably at half-off.

Because ever since my youngest son “borrowed” a “few” parts from my beach chair to make a catapult, it’s been reduced to a piece of brightly colored fabric with a few aluminum rods across it. It’s really just a bumpy beach rug now.

Of course, no one sells beach chairs in July, especially in the middle of a heat wave.

I’ll have to wait to buy one until the traditional beach chair selling season.

In the middle of December.

Right after the first big snowfall.

And the week before ads for the big Get Ready For Summer!!! campaign start.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Does summer seem to get shorter every year to you, too? Are you looking forward to school starting, or are you dreading it? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing what you think.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Top 10 Signs Your Kids Are On Summer Break …Gina’s Favorites

Top 10 Signs Your Kids Are On Summer Break …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

Summer is in full swing around here. It must be, otherwise, I’ve lost my mind for no apparent reason.
While I look for it, laugh along with this timely Gina’s Favorites post.

Top 10 Signs Your Kids Are On Summer Break

Have you developed a twitch that you can’t explain?  Has the noise level in your home risen to uncountable decibels?  Is every towel you own covered in mud?

I think I know what you’re suffering from. You might just have a case of Kids-On-Summer-Break.

Here’s some signs to check for.

Top 10 Signs Your Kids Are On Summer Break.

#10.  You’ve put green and red popsicles on the food pyramid as vegetables.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Signs Your Kids Are On Summer Break ...Gina's Favorites#9.  You have no idea what day of the week it is (even more than usual!).

#8.  You aren’t sure when the last time your child took a real bath with soap and everything was, and you wonder if the time they dumped bubbles into the lake while they were swimming counts.

#7.  You think ice cream for dinner is a nice change from the watermelon your kids ate exclusively for the previous 2 days.

#6.  You wonder how many days in a row your child can wear a swimsuit before you legally have to call in the HazMat Team.

#5.  The hose in your yard has been running non-stop for more days than you can count.

#4.  You’ve hollered “When I was a kid, we played outside!” more than 15 times. In one day.

#3.  You spent $35 on lemonade making supplies, which your children made into a thick, yellow liquid, and sold to passersby for a total of $3.75, just so you wouldn’t have to answer the “Can we watch TV now?” question again for a few hours.

#2.  You dog’s coat looks extra shiny because someone covered him with sunscreen. Twice.

#1.  No one will go to bed.  Ever.

Relax. After all, things could be worse.

It could be time for Back to School.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What’s your favorite summer memory? What do your kids like to do on a lazy summer day? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photo courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

I WISH My Kids WERE Bored!!!

I WISH My Kids WERE Bored!!!

by Gina Valley

This week I’m hanging out with the fun folks over at the newly re-launched VoiceBoks, and talking about why I wish my kids were bored.

Here’s a snippet of the giggles you’ll find when you click over there:

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I WISH My Kids WERE Bored!!!My friends often lament about the frustration of dealing with their children’s boredom during school vacation. I try to be sympathetic, but I really don’t understand it.

My kids aren’t bored.

My oldest daughter isn’t bored, because she’s been busy coloring her hair with purple Kool Aid. She‘s determined Kool Aid is an excellent, non-toxic dye. It sticks to, and permanently stains, anything it touches, including the new bathroom rug and matching shower curtain, the freshly painted bathroom walls, the white bathroom countertop and cabinet, the wood floor in the hall, her bedroom ceiling fan, the desk in my office, and one of her guinea pigs.

In fact, the only thing the purple Kool Aid didn’t color was her hair.

One of my children is not bored, because he or she (no one has yet taken credit for this anti-boredom activity), figured out how to…

Join me over on VoiceBoks for the rest of the laughs.

As always, the extra click to get there counts as cardio!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

How’s your summer going? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photo courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Top 10 Signs This Picnic Is NOT Gonna End Well …Gina’s Favorites

Top 10 Signs This Picnic Is NOT Gonna End Well …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

We’ve been picnicking most of the weekend, as we celebrate Independence Day. So, my Top 10 Signs This Picnic Is NOT Gonna End Well post has been on my mind. Laugh along with this Gina’s Favorites post.

Top 10 Signs This Picnic Is NOT Gonna End Well

There’s a whole lot of picnicking going on this weekend.

I don’t know about you, but sometimes our forays into the great outdoors are less than totally successful.

It’s usually about halfway through one of these great meetings of the lunchmeats meetups that I realize we’re heading for trouble.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Signs This Picnic Is NOT Gonna End Well ...Gina's FavoritesOr, at least to the Urgent Care Center.

Here’s some clues to tip you off that there’s trouble ahead with an alfresco soirée (you would not believe how long it took me to get the spelling correct on “soirée”).

Top 10 Signs This Picnic Isn’t Gonna End Well

#10.  You parked so far away that you passed 3 county markers and the state line walking from your car to the picnic area.

#9.  You hear someone yell, “Hey look, Cousin Bubba brought his homemade fireworks!”

#8.  The potato salad has been in the sun so long it’s developed a pulse.

#7.  Cousin Beatrice has used the word “pus” four times, and she hasn’t even started to talk about when they had to lance that giant boil on her leg. Yet.

#6.  When you try to use the weather app on your phone to see how hot it is, Siri says. “Help me! I’m melting! I’m melting!!!”

#5.  Uncle Renfro is trying to play volleyball with a watermelon.  Again.

#4.  Just as you’re frantically feeling your pockets in search of your keys, your 5 year old son asks you, “Did you shut the trunk with your keys in there so they wouldn’t get lost?”

#3.  The ants have already carried off 1 cake, half the sandwiches, and Great Grandma Yaya, and it’s not even noon yet.

#2.  The Emergency Room called and asked what time the “friendly game of softball” will be starting this year, so they’ll know what time they should have the cast room open.

#1.  There’re more seagulls lined up in the trees around the food table than in the climax seen in The Birds, and you forgot your umbrella.

Don’t worry.  There’s probably a drive-thru burger place right next to the ER.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do you like picnics? Are you a sandwich-er or a grill-er? Did you know how to spell “soirée”?  How bad were the bugs at your last picnic?  Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photo courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Happy, Happy Birthday, USA!!!

Happy, Happy Birthday, USA!!!

by Gina Valley

July 4th is a big day here in the United States.  It’s our birthday!

We love to celebrate, and having something we can all celebrate makes it extra special.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Happy, Happy Birthday, USA!!! 4th of July Independence DaySo, Happy, Happy Birthday, USA!!!

239 years look great on you!

Here’s a few thoughts for your birthday – some serious, some silly:

Let freedom never perish in your hands – Joseph Addison

Did you hear about the cartoonist in the Continental Army?  He was a Yankee doodler!

Those who won our independence believed liberty to be the secret of happiness and courage to be the secret of liberty – Louis D. Brandeis

Freedom is nothing but a chance to be better – Albert Camus

The difference between a duck and George Washington is:  One has a bill on his face; the other has his face on a bill!

Liberty is the breath of life to nations – George Bernard Shaw

We must be free not because we claim freedom, but because we practice it – William Faulkner

The 4th of July is coming up and you know what that means! Time to use Sparklers as wands and shoot spells at people again! And, to write your name in the air!

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Happy, Happy Birthday, USA!!! 4th of July Independence Day

From every mountain side – Let Freedom ring – Samuel F. Smith, “America”

What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?  Liberty!

Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves – Abraham Lincoln

Freedom is the oxygen of the soul – Moshe Dayan

What was the craziest battle of the Revolutionary War?   The Battle of Bonkers Hill.

This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave – Elmer Davis

What did one flag say to the other flag?  Nothing. It just waved!

He that would make his own liberty secure, must guard even his enemy from opposition; for if he violates this duty he establishes a precedent that will reach himself  - Thomas Paine

Food, Family, Fourth of July, and Fireworks. The four best F-words ever!

 

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Happy, Happy Birthday, USA!!! 4th of July Independence DayDid you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?   Yeah, it cracked me up!

If our country is worth dying for in time of war let us resolve that it is truly worth living for in time of peace – Hamilton Fish

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?   The Americans licked the British!

People have forgotten what the 4th of July really is. It’s the day we got the freedom we use every day. It’s not fireworks and parties. That’s just what makes it fun.

Why were the first Pennsylvania settlers like ants?   Because they lived in colonies.

American Soldiers don’t fight because they hate what’s in front of them.  They fight because they LOVE what’s behind them!

What’s red, white, blue, and ugly?  A revolutionary warthog!

 

Being an American is awesome. The end.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Happy, Happy Birthday, USA!!! 4th of July Independence DayWhy did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?   Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

Thank you to our Veterans on this 4th of July.

What was General Washington’s favorite tree?   The infantry!

Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth – John F Kennedy

Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom, must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it – Thomas Paine

Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have – Harry Emerson Fosdick

7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic.  Let your friend light the fuse!

Never forget – freedom is never free – Victor Killingsworth

Be safe, be sane, and have a joyous day!

Celebrate & Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What do you love about your homeland?  How do you celebrate it?  Shoot me a comment.  I look forward to hearing all about it!

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Drills We NEED To Have …Gina’s Favorites

Drills We NEED To Have …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

Summer is in full swing at our house, so I think it’s a good time to review some helpful drills.

Drills We Actually NEED To Have

My kids’ school had a fire drill the last day of school.  I’m not sure they really benefitted from that one.  Let’s face it, few of us ever benefitted from the monthly fire drill at school beyond getting some extra time to mess around and maybe to push off a math test.

Funny Humor Drills Summer http://ginavalley.com/  Drills We NEED To Have ...Gina's Favorites  – Laugh All About It!But, since school has primed our kids to be ready for drills, why not take advantage of their readiness and run some drills that will actually help life run more smoothly this summer?

Not sure what to drill your family on or how to go about it?  Fear not! My kids have stomach flu this week, so, since I was up all night, I put this handy dandy drilling list together for you.

Shoe Retrieval Drill - Just once I’d like to leave the house with my entire pack wearing shoes.  I know that’s never going to happen, so I figure the next best thing is to work on their shoe retrieval skills.

Begin this drill after everyone is securely buckled into their seats in the family vehicle. At the sound of the key entering the ignition family members are to rapidly exit the vehicle and run back into the house to get a pair of shoes.  Extra points will be awarded for any runner who retrieves 2 of his or her own shoes.  Double point bonuses are scored if the two shoes match each other AND currently fit the runner.  Laces present or working zippers in both shoes earn a triple bonus!

Beach Loo Drill - Why is it a child’s need to visit the facilities increases directly with the distance your beach blanket is from those facilities?

Begin this drill by finding the perfect spot for your beach blanket. You’ll know you’ve found the perfect spot when the building for the facilities appears to be a mere dot on the horizon.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Drills We NEED To Have ...Gina's Favorites Drills SummerEveryone should be wearing uncomfortable shoes that fill easily with sand or cheap flip flops that come apart every two or three steps.  Immediately prior to beginning the drill each participant must be thoroughly soaked with ocean water to maximize stickiness and chaffing.

At the sounding of the whiny “I gotta go now!” all participants must rush directly to the facilities, running with their legs crossed the last half of the journey.

Moreover, each participant must wait out in the wind for his or her turn to enter the facilities, as no matter how many potential depositories there are only one is ever functional.

Each wind-chilled, soaked and chaffing participant must enter the facilities, remove his or her wet bathing suit, which undoubtedly has decided to become a permanent part of the participant’s body, complete off loading, file the paperwork, and re-don his or her bathing suit.

Note:  participants must complete the in-facility part of this drill while simultaneously holding his or her breath as protection from the grievously noxious odors, and complaining constantly about the unsanitary state of the facilities and lack of proper supplies.

Bonus points given for getting the wet bathing suit back on in such a manner that all vital areas are covered on the first try.  Double bonus points are given if the suit never touches the grungy bathroom floor.  Triple bonus points are awarded to any participant who brought along his or her own paperwork supplies.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Drills We NEED To Have ...Gina's Favorites Drills SummerRV Barfing Drill - What is it about camping in an RV that invariably causes a young family member to need to suddenly, violently, often projectile-ly re-visit, usually into the only pair of shoes his or her dad brought?

Begin this drill with the sound of a wretch.

Everyone is to make their way quickly out of the RV, hiding hard to clean items, such as shoes or school books along the way, as they proceed rapidly to the designated outdoor approved revisiting location.

Bonus points are given for weaving through the shoe gauntlet near the RV bedroom without tripping, and for not falling off those nasty black metal stairs-of-death on the way out.

Note: This drill can also be adapted for time spent in SUV and passenger cars, or for specific re-visiting vacation needs, such as for Son#4 who revisits anytime he eats anything orange.

Emergency Dinnering – Why is it so impossible to have dinner at a decent hour during the summer?

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Drills We NEED To Have ...Gina's Favorites Drills SummerStart this drill at 8:45pm, when it is getting dark and you’ve realized no one ever made, much less ate, dinner because it hadn’t started to get dark yet.

Use only the food you ALWAYS have on hand but never use, including that lone can of garbanzo beans, the slightly wilted bag of lettuce, 4 stiff tortillas, a can of SPAM, whatever is in those two spice jars with no labels, and that rapidly dehydrating, half un-wrapped block of cheddar in the back of the meat drawer.

Bonus points are scored if you have company over to eat dinner with you the night of this drill. Double bonus points are earned if you are able to grill the entire meal prior to running out of propane.

Emergency Cell Phone Call Drill – Why is it that we can never locate our cell phone for those once a year moments when we actually really need to make a call with it, like when someone’s bleeding or there’s a fire or we’re out of ice cream?

It’s smart to run this drill periodically throughout the year.  Start by having one of your children either shove your cell phone down a sofa or fire up a raging game of Angry Birds.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Drills We NEED To Have ...Gina's Favorites Drills Summer

At the sound of the alarm assume a life threatening emergency is occurring.  As quickly as you can, locate and retrieve your cell-phone WITHOUT having someone call it.

Bonus points if it’s the first cell phone you pull out of the sofa cushions.

Double bonus points if you can figure out how to shut off Angry Birds so that you can make the 911 call without those bloody birds squawking in the background.

If your cell phone has 21% or greater charge at the time of the drill you earn a triple bonus.

Let’s be prepared out there!

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Are you prepared for summer “emergency” situations?  Drop me a comment.  I look forward to hearing all about it!

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car!!!

Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car!!!

by Gina Valley

Welcome to Graduation!

Please leave your forks in your car.

Because, let’s face it, you will want to stab someone, and all that just ruins the post-graduation family photos, not to mention what it does to your chance of getting to The Cheesecake Factory before the wait for a table starts pushing 3 hours.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car Graduation PatienceYou will need a chair. Fortunately, chairs have been provided for you.

Unfortunately, the chairs are 6 inch wide, folding chairs, made out of cheap plastic. Their plastic becomes pliable during the requisite 1000 degree graduation day heat, and thus the chairs are prone to give-way and collapse with no warning.

Not only does the heat increase the chairs’ “likeliness-to-suffer-structural-failure” quotient, it also makes the chairs cranky, resulting in a high incidence of chair-on-sitter violence, manifested as frequent incidents of spontaneous chair foldings.

This ensures that occupants of those chairs which do not suffer a sudden collapse due to structural failure within the flimsy plastic architecture will still possibly have the joy of experiencing a spontaneous self-folding of their chair the exact moment they sneeze, reach for a camera, or have a butterfly land on their leg.

It’s really a race to see which happens first: self-folding or total catastrophic collapse. If you look around the audience carefully you’ll notice people placing bets on the outcome of that race, particularly if the chair occupant is one whom is gifted with larger than average gravitational attraction.

There will be a sea of these low-quality, miniature, self-folding, likely-to-collapse chairs from which to choose. You will spy this vast bastion of seatishness as you approach the designated graduation area, after having completed your mandatory 4 mile hike in from the “Convenient Graduation Day Parking.”

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car Graduation Patience

Please note that the touted “Be Sure To Carpool and Catch Our Shuttle To The Actual Graduation Site” shuttle is either an urban legend or invisible. No one has ever been able to find, much less catch a ride from, this mysterious, elusive machine. Plan ahead and wear your hiking boots.

As your gaze sweeps across the expanse of chairs provided for you and the other culmination hostages, also known as “audience members,” it will likely fall upon areas of what appear to be unclaimed seating bounty, some in the most prime seating locations. Do not fall victim to this clever deception. As you attempt to occupy these plastic oases, you’ll find they are already claimed, and seriously guarded, by everything from a strewn sweater to a package of gum to a rabid grandmother.

Perhaps, you’ll wonder how these people managed to secure such excellent seats, seats from which the stage and its occupants are visible. The answer is fairly simple. These people arrived before graduation last year, and simply refused to give up their seats.
Those who were too short-sighted to be on-site 12 months in advance generally secured their seats by gaining employment with the chair rental company, and scheduling themselves to be delivered, already seated in and firmly attached to their chair.

But, don’t worry. There will be plenty of available chairs. Try looking behind any nearby trees, behind the idiot who brought a bouquet of balloons, and behind the basketball team. The seats surrounding the guy with an air-horn, the deodorant deficient dude, and the life insurance salesman are also generally available.

Vendors will be conveniently available around the audience area. Remember, they only take cash. Feel free to bring that $100 bill the grocery store refuses to break for you, because nothing is priced less than $100 anyway.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car Graduation Patience

Unfortunately, the vendors sell useless items, such as teddy bears, flowers, and t-shirts. They will not have the basic graduation ceremony survival items you truly need, such as an extra-large can of Red Bull to help you remain conscious while the keynote speaker waxes on for 3 ½ hours about his vital contributions to the world changing field of blueberry color stabilization.

Or, a gallon jug of Febreze to spray the deodorant deficient dude.

Or, a set of blow darts to take out that giant balloon bouquet the moron four rows in front of you brought, that’s blocking the view of stage for everyone in your section.

Bathrooms are conveniently located 2 miles away, in the direction exactly opposite to where you parked your car. Don’t worry, though. Thanks to your long hike and the heat, you’ll probably be suffering from dehydration and won’t have need of facilities for at least a couple days after the graduation is complete.

When you hear the distant sound of speaker feedback and clarinet music, you will know that the graduation has begun. You’ll see a wave of people filing down the center aisle of the graduation seating area. Several of them will be melting in their asbestos robes and funny hats, and will be dragged down the aisle by other graduates.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car Graduation Patience

The matching goofy graduate garb and giant guy sitting next to you will work together to make it highly unlikely you’ll spot your graduate during this processional. Nonetheless, social mores require you to stand, bobbing and weaving, in a futile attempt to get a clear view of the processional-ists to prove your devotion to your graduate.

But, don’t worry about not spying your graduate on his or her way in. You will, assuming the keynote speaker ever finishes speaking, get to see your graduate march across the stage after his or her name is read. Please note that in this context “read” means “completely mangled and mispronounced to such an extent that even your graduate is not sure who the name card reader is talking about.

Naturally, your efforts to capture forever that look of confusion on your graduate’s face will be hampered by a full memory card, a depleted battery, or both. Fortunately, a professional photographer will be stationed at the exit point of the stage to snap a charming candid photo of your graduate sweating and clutching his or her fake diploma. For only $87.63 you can purchase 2 wallet-sized prints of that photo.

The ceremony should take less than 3 days. Hopefully, you packed a canteen and a snack.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Please Leave Your Forks In Your Car Graduation Patience

You will know the ceremony has ended when the army clad in asbestos begins to march out of the designated graduation area, and people around you begin yelling into their cell phones, “I don’t see you. Do you see me? I’m waving. Do you see me? I don’t see you…”

This is the point in the day when you’ll wish you had set up a predetermined meeting point with your graduate. Some families spend more time trying to find their graduate after the ceremony than it actually took their graduate to complete his or her course of study.

This delay in departure is a critical issue, because for every extra minute that passes before you get to The Cheesecake Factory, the wait for a table increases by another hour.

Of course, if you’re really thinking, you’ll decide to remain in the designated graduation area.

After all, that’s really the only way to get a good seat for next year’s ceremony.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Did you attend any graduation ceremonies this year? Did your chair try to eat you? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing what you have to say.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Sometimes Juice Spills …Gina’s Favorites

Sometimes Juice Spills …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

I picked my Sometimes Juice Spills post for Throwback Day this week, because it makes me giggle.

Laugh along with this Gina’s Favorites post.

Sometimes Juice Spills

You know it’s going to be a good day when you start it off by finding a pimple the size of a can of soup sprouting out of the side of your neck.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Sometimes Juice Spills ...Gina's Favorites Marriage AcneWhere does it fall on the irony scale that I found the pimple while putting on my anti-wrinkle cream?

At first I thought it was a bug bite.  I was hoping it was a bug bite.  But it wasn’t a bug bite.

All doubt was removed when I found his mini-me brother sprouting up from the middle of the scar on my forehead.

If there was another one on the other side of my neck, and it was Halloween, I could have passed it off for a neck bolt.  But, just the one at this time of year leaves little option for disguise.

There is cover up. I coated it with that. Twice. It went from looking like a flare guiding aircraft landing on a carrier in the fog to more like a stubby thumb trying to hitch a ride.

A turtle neck would have covered it. Of course the 90 degree F weather around here this week would have made that less than comfortable. Plus, there’s my obsessive need to not let anything touch my neck.  I hate that feeling, so I don’t even own a turtle neck.

I guess my body didn’t hear about the “nothing touches my neck” rule before it started growing my third arm there.

But, I realized that I was probably making too big a deal out of this. We all focus on our own bodily imperfections, even though most people never notice them, much less give them a second glance. So, I decided not to worry about it and headed down to breakfast.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Sometimes Juice Spills ...Gina's Favorites Marriage Acne

The Professor did a double take as I sat down across from him at the breakfast table. “What the bloody ‘ell is that?” he asked, staring at my neck growth.

“I’m not sure,” I answered. “Might be a bug bite,” I suggested, hopefully.

“I don’t think so,” he said, looking intently at it.

“Does it look like a pimple?” I asked.

He shook his head.  “Not exactly,” he said.  “It looks more like the beginning of an alien emerging.”

Somehow his orange juice got dumped on his lap about then.

I have no idea how that happened.

Sometimes juice spills.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Ever been double “blessed” with the troubles of youth and the pains of aging at the same time?  Is your significant other super helpful when you’re feeling self-conscious?  Shoot me a comment.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Click over to my posts below for more fun with The Professor:

WHAT Is The Dog Sniffing Now?!?!

Early Morning Ambush

A Zen-Like Departure

Where’s My Sparkly?

 As always, the extra clicks count as cardio.

Thank you for reading and sharing.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.