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The Glamorous Life Of The Modern Day Soccer Mom

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Top 10 INSANE Things I Uttered On The 1st Day of Spring Break

Top 10 INSANE Things I Uttered On The 1st Day of Spring Break

by Gina Valley

It’s only the first day of spring break and I already sound like I’ve lost my mind.

I haven’t. I just have kids.

Kids love spring break.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Insane Things I Uttered On The 1st Day of Spring BreakI tend to head into it under the impression I love it, too. I always have grandiose plans for what we’ll do with a week void of school responsibilities. I also, apparently, have total amnesia when it comes to spring breaks past.

This year was no different.

Being home for a week without having to drive school carpool sounded like a vacation.

I imagined all that I’d lead my pack to accomplish during this gift of extra hours.  We would clean and garden and organize. We would play board games and basketball and badminton. We would visit museums and the beach and the zoo.

But, I forgot that I live in a zoo.

Any extra hours with my kids at home with me are quickly gobbled up by the extra parenting opportunities their close proximity to me and each other all day long necessitates.

Sometimes, those extra parenting opportunities fly out of my mouth and boggle my mind.

There’s been a whole lot of that going on already, and it’s only the first day of spring break.

Top 10 INSANE Things I Uttered On The 1st Day of Spring Break

#10.  If the dog really was the one who ate all the Easter candy his poop would be sparkly.

#9.  Let go of your brother’s face.

#8.  You can’t bring that squirrel into the house, because we don’t know him.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Insane Things I Uttered On The 1st Day of Spring Break#7.  Did anyone realize we still have Christmas decorations on the mantel?

#6.  I doubt unloading the dishwasher is going to kill you.

#5.  Spring break is just a break from school, not from reality, not from chores, and definitely not from showers. And, use soap!

#4.  Clothes that are still on hangers are not dirty.

#3.  Do not play catch with a screwdriver.

#2.  No, milk should not be a solid.

#1.  Do not glue people together.

I love my children. I love the extra time we have together.

But…

I’m already starting to wonder…

Is it school o’clock yet?

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Is your family spring break-ing? How do you spend the extra time a break from school responsibilities gives you? Are people being glued together at your house, too? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Hide & Seek With Your Garden Tools

Hide & Seek With Your Garden Tools …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

Laugh along with this Gina’s Favorites post.

Playing Hide & Seek With Your Garden Tools

This is the time of year when many of us are busy sprucing up our gardens.  It is invaluable to have the right tools.   I recently came upon a supposedly helpful list of twenty-seven essential items to assemble prior to beginning to revitalize one’s garden for spring.

That’s right - TWENTY-SEVEN!

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Hide & Seek With Your Garden Tools ...Gina's Favorites GardeningThe thing is, though, this list was clearly assembled by someone who lives in, well, an imaginary land where people speak “Martha Stewart” and put things away where they belong.

I don’t live there.

I don’t even live near there.

I figured many of you live in a crazy realm similar to the one I do, so I decided to adapt the list for us inhabitants of the real world.

I’ve whittled (you would not believe how long it took me to spell “whittled” correctly) the list down to the 4 most essential items, not including the phone numbers for the closest emergency room and bandage supplier.

Spring Garden Essentials Checklist:

(Don’t waste your time looking for any of these items where they belong.  You know they aren’t there.  As an experienced spring garden tool gatherer, I have provided some suggestions as to the most likely places to find them.)

A round point shovel – could be used for breaking up ground or for heavy digging and lifting if you could find it.  Probably it’s somewhere behind the garage where it was thrown two months ago after two of your sons got into an argument about who’s turn it was to pick up the dog doo, and Son#2 popped Son#3 on the head with it.

Son#2 was likely in a hurry to hide the evidence of his assault after the split in the skin above Son#3’s right eyebrow turned into something closely resembling a Venetian fountain. He likely tossed the shovel behind the garage because it was the nearest large, opaque object.  Fortunately, Son#3 had the good, although dripping, sense to rush to find you in the house, despite Son#2’s assurances that he would return shortly with duct tape to “fix him right up.”

A hand pruner – is great for snipping off small, dead branches, and is not actually intended to prune hands, despite the fact that it does seem to take pieces off someone’s finger every year.  It looks kinda like hefty scissors.  It is usually found near where a child was constructing a diorama of The Wind in the Willows at midnight the night before it was due.  After all,  she only had two months to work on it and couldn’t possibly be expected to finish the shoebox sized project, much less mention that she needed to do so, in that short time frame.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Hide & Seek With Your Garden Tools ...Gina's Favorites GardeningAs last minute school projects cause the immediate disappearance of all scissors, she naturally had to use the hand pruners to cut out the construction paper river, wire tree stems, and cardboard willows.  The duct tape is probably nearby as well, explaining why Son#2 was unable to find it to use to stem the tide from Son#3’s eyebrow, because glue sticks also spontaneously combust whenever a child is working on a school project after the stores close.

A leaf rake – is useful for raking up, you guessed it, leaves from the lawn or under shrubbery.  It has a wide “rakey” part at the end that, unfortunately, unscrews from the long handle.  The rakey part makes a great turkey tail or giant Mohawk and is usually found in the tree fort in the back yard or upstairs in the costume box.

The long handle is, unfortunately, quite a bit more difficult to locate.  Most years, The Professor just crawls around on our lawn muttering about how he knew he “…should have glued the bloody handle on!” as he rakes up the leaves with only the rakey part of the rake, after having searched the garage and yard fruitlessly for the handle.

The handle is a rare find, but can sometimes be located holding up the center of the blanket and chair fort in the living room or attached to the paint roller that was abandoned in the shower of the guest bathroom.  You might also want to check that space between the refrigerator and the wall, because it is sometimes used to retrieve AWOL Lego bricks from under the refrigerator.

A pair of gardening gloves – are very important to protect your hands while working in the yard.  They also work well as riding gloves while riding imaginary broncos made of picnic benches, as substitute hot pads when removing flaming roasted potatoes from the oven, and to get a grip on the radiator cap when the car is steaming mad.  Search accordingly.  Be sure that you locate at least three gloves, because if you only find two, they will be for the same hand.

After you’ve found these four basic items most of the day will probably be shot, so you won’t have any time, much less patience, left to work in your garden.  Be sure to hide them where your family can’t find them.  That way there’s a chance you’ll be able to use them next weekend.  Then, send yourself an email telling you where you put them, because if you’re anything like me, you’ll hide them where no one, not even you, can find them.

Happy Hunting…I mean…Gardening!

Laugh out loud!

- gina

What’s the most unusual place you’ve found a gardening essential?  Who puts stuff where it goes at in your neck of the woods?  Shoot me a comment.  I’d love to hear all about it!

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

I Have TWO Black Thumbs!!!

I Have TWO Black Thumbs!!!

by Gina Valley

I don’t know how it happens, but it happens every spring.

I head out to buy some innocuous household item, socks or light bulbs or bread; and I find myself in the garden department of whatever store I landed at, be it Home Depot, Costco, or Forever 21.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I Have TWO Black Thumbs!!!I stand there in a stupor, my eyes glazed over (my nose is usually running, too. I have wicked hay fever). My mind fogs, and I enter some sort of spring-plant-induced-zombie-coma.

Last year’s plant holocaust fades from my mind.

I forget I have 2 black thumbs.

I don’t remember my pack’s tendency to trample to death anything that even sort of survives my pathetic horticulture attempts.

I find myself galloping up and down the aisles, patting pansies, hoisting hostas, grabbing gladiolas. Soon, I have a cart filled to overflowing with roses and herbs and alyssum.

I hear someone reciting “Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?” and realize it’s me.

This year was no different.

We stopped by the Giant Home Improvement Store to buy a valve for our drippy bathroom faucet.

As I followed The Professor toward the plumbing aisle, I was swept away by a mysterious tide. I found myself in the middle of the garden department. Echoes of The Professor repeating, “We’re just here for a valve. We’re just here for a valve!” faded from my consciousness as I took in the beautiful displays of blooms all around me.

Before I knew what was happening, I was carefully wedging my new flora friends into our van. I heard The Professor mumble something about Teleflora throwing up in there.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I Have TWO Black Thumbs!!!

I think he was just grumpy because I filled his seat with daisies, so he had to either hold them or ride home on the roof rack.

Reality hit, as it always does, as we reached our house.

I heard a little shriek from the plants I just purchased as our barren yard came into view. I looked at our anything-but-lush garden, and remembered that I do not have a green thumb on either hand.

Nonetheless, I charged ahead with my spring garden frenzy by pulling up and throwing out all evidence of last year’s spring garden frenzy. I covered the new plants’ eyes so they wouldn’t see the dehydrated, mangled remains of herbs and foxgloves and petunias.

The Professor suggested that I could save myself a lot of work by simply throwing all of the new plants directly into the trash bin now, thereby avoiding all the stress of watching them die an inevitable, painful death.

I told him that if he really wanted to help, he could bring in the 50 pound bag of dirt I bought. He asked me if this was the same dirt I bought to kill last year’s plants with, and mumbled something about us being surrounded by free dirt and living in a plant graveyard. I chose to ignore him. The non-plant-o-phile’s just don’t understand.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I Have TWO Black Thumbs!!!

For the last 3 days I’ve spent every free moment planting and trimming and mulching. I think it’ll take me at least another 3 days to finish, a week if my kids help me.

I haven’t had time for the minutiae of life, like cooking and laundry, while I work to conquer all things blooming.  That’s okay, though, because I’m pretty sure I’ve got my kids convinced that cold cereal is the new “hot” meal, and that Febreze’d is as good as washed.

Soon we’ll have a beautiful, springtime back drop to enjoy right here at our own home.

It will be wonderful.

Right up until it’s time to weed and feed and trim. And, a heat wave hits. And, the dog chews through the stems. And, the kids pull off all the blossoms.

Then, I’ll wake up from my spring-plant-induced-zombie-coma, and realize I don’t know how it happened.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do you have spring-flower-fever? How about hay fever? Do you plant flowers or veggies or rocks? Shoot me comment. I’d love to hear what you think.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

They ARE Different!!!

They ARE Different!!!

by Gina Valley

Men and women are different. Have you noticed?

Take weight for example.

Ask a man what he weighs, and a man will tell you what he weighs.

He will tell you exactly what he weighs.

He’ll tell you how long he’s weighed that much. He’ll tell you the first time he weighed that much. He’ll tell you who won the Super Bowl & how many hot wings he ate the year he first hit that weight.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Have You Noticed They’re Different? Weight

He’ll tell you his high school weight, his college weight, his dad’s weight, his best friend’s weight.

He will brag if he is currently at his heaviest weight ever and will gladly weigh in front of you and let you see his abdomen to prove he is the heaviest he’s ever been.

He’ll happily holler his current weight across a crowded room to you, particularly if it has gone up due to a recent large, questionable meal (The same is true if his weight has recently gone down due to an unusually prolific off-loading experience on his part, but that’s really a topic for a different column).

He’ll proudly tell you the size of the clothes he’s just expanded into. He’ll show you the tags to prove it. He’ll even wear shirts with size printed right on the front and pants with the size embroidered onto the waistband for all to see.

He’ll prefer to weigh with jeans and boots on so as to up his number. He might even leave his keys, cell phone, and wallet in his pocket to give himself just a bit more heft in the gravitational attraction department.

He won’t even exhale before reading the scale.

There’s no shame, no concern, no self-consciousness.

You ask a man what he weighs and he will tell you.

You ask a woman what she weighs and she will stab you.

Or, maybe that’s just me.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do you share your gravitational attraction number with other people?  Or, is that a secret guarded more closely than Fort Knox? Why, do you suppose, we stress so much about that number? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing what you think. And, as always, thank you for stopping by and spending your time with me!

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Top 10 Signs You’re A Work From Home Parent …Gina’s Favorites

Top 10 Signs You’re A Work From Home Parent …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

Laugh along on Throwback Day with this Gina’s Favorites post.

Top 10 Signs You’re A Work From Home Parent

This whole Take Your Child To Work Day thing is an interesting idea. But, some of us hit a bit of a kink when we try to put it into practice.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Signs You’re A Work From Home Parent ...Gina's FavoritesDid you find that when you tried to take your child to work with you, your child was already there?  I did. I thought I was losing my mind. Again.

I wondered if I should check my symptoms on WebMD. After all, I felt dazed and confused.

But, then I remembered, I’m not crazy; I’m a WFHP (Work From Home Parent).

Do you feel like you might be losing your mind?  If so, you might be a WFHP (Work From Home Parent), too.

Here are some symptoms to watch for:

Top 10 Signs You’re A Work From Home Parent

#10.  You’ve found yourself in a fog, holding a leaking juice box in one hand and a marketing report in the other, torn between which to deal with first.

#9.  Your printer has been flashing “paper jam” when the problem was in fact a “jam sandwich” jam on three separate occasions.

#8.  The last four phone numbers you wrote down are inscribed on the back of a paper plate because your folio pad is filled with drawings of dinosaurs by a young up-and-coming artist.

#7.  You took notes during your last conference call with a purple crayon, because you hid the real pens so well after the aforementioned artist used them to re-design the wallpaper in the foyer that even you can’t find one.

#6.  There are more Legos than file folders on your desk.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Signs You’re A Work From Home Parent ...Gina's Favorites

#5.  Your paper clips are easy to find, but hard to use, because they’re all connected into one giant chain that’s strewn across your doorway like a flexible limbo bar.

#4.  You had to use plastic safety scissors to cut out the images for the display for your last presentation.

#3.  You have offered a large cash bribe to someone under the age of 10 to be silent during a phone call.

#2.  The majority of your file folders have peanut butter smudges on them somewhere.

#1.  You knew when you saw this list you’d have to wait until the middle of the night to read through it if you wanted to do it with fewer than 6 interruptions.

Sound familiar?

You’re not crazy.  You’re a parent trying to work from home.

Of course, there are a lot of similarities between the two.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Are you a work from home parent? Were your parents work from home parents? How’d that work out? Shoot me a comment. You’re already here anyway, and I’m looking forward to hearing what you have to say.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Top 10 Reasons I Weigh A Ton At The Doctor’s Office

Top 10 Reasons I Weigh A Ton At The Doctor’s Office

by Gina Valley

I met my new neurologist yesterday. She was patient and thorough and didn’t make me feel I’ve lost my mind (which it’s her job to check on) (she assured me that my mind is right in my head, and showed me a picture of it in there, too, to prove it).

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Reasons I Weigh A Ton At The Doctor’s Office WeightI like her a lot.

But…

I hate her scale.

It’s evil, just like every other doctor’s scale I’ve ever met.

Doctor’s scales are every woman’s arch-nemesis.

Last month, the scale at my headache doctor’s office decided I had gained 5 pounds between my house and her office. To make matters even more ridiculous, the nurse who measured and weighed me, pronounced me 5’9″ tall.

That would have been fine, had I not been 5’6” tall since the 5th grade. She also added 20 pounds to the reading on her evil scale when she entered the number into my file. I wasn’t sure if she was just inaccurate, crazy, or a sadist. I was leaning toward sadist.

The Professor noted that if I had gotten 3 inches taller it would make sense that I’d gained weight. I noted that next time he was waiting in the car.

That strange scale interaction weighed heavy on my mind (pun might have been intended) as I prepared myself to go meet my new brain doc.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Reasons I Weigh A Ton At The Doctor’s Office WeightI weigh myself every morning. It’s part of my morning prayer time. Actually, it usually triggers the start of my morning prayer time. Nothing reminds me to ask God for a miracle quite as consistently as facing that cold, unrelenting, killer-of-self-esteem that is my bathroom scale.

So, I walked into my doctor’s office with the morning’s gravity check number well cemented in my head.

When the cheerful nurse told me to climb onto the scale I was careful to stand in the middle of the platform, and to put my purse down (that’s like 50 pounds easy, all on its own). I even remembered to exhale. Every little bit helps.

So, imagine my surprise when the number I was looking at was nearly 10 pounds larger than the one I’d been disgusted with just an hour before at home.

It got me to thinking. First of all, I wondered if I have to put money in the swear jar if I only thought the words.

Secondly, I started to analyze all of the possible reasons there could be such a discrepancy weight-wise every time I go see a doctor.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized there are many logical explanations as to the varying gravity effects readings.

Top 10 Reasons I Weigh A Ton At The Doctor’s Office

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Reasons I Weigh A Ton At The Doctor’s Office Weight#10.  All the iron in that multivitamin my other doctor is making me take is weighing me down. Iron is a metal, and metal is heavy. So, the weight discrepancy is her fault, really.

#9.  Gravity is extra strong in their realm, due to all of the heavy issues taking place there. They are often involved in life or death decisions. Just last month, I saw 2 nurses nearly come to blows over whether they should get Chipotle or Baja Fresh for lunch when I visited my gyno. And, recently, our new pediatrician nearly put his eye out when the glove he was blowing up to turn into a rooster for my youngest son suddenly exploded. It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

#8.  I wore my polka dotted underwear, and those dots must weigh a lot.

#7.  Our blonde Labrador insisted on hugging my legs goodbye as I was rushing out the door. All the blonde dog hair stuck to my black pants, which I didn’t notice until I was sitting in the waiting room, weighs a lot. There was practically enough there to make a whole new dog.

#6.  The nurse is new and didn’t know she wasn’t supposed to stand on the scale with me. I thought she was just standing extra close so she could see the numbers.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Reasons I Weigh A Ton At The Doctor’s Office Weight#5.  My body was retaining water in an effort to keep from turning into a raisin when they took out the gallon of blood they always insist on taking.

#4.  I have teenagers. I’m sure it’s their fault, somehow.

#3.  The humidity caused my hair to swell up to 3 times its normal volume, and, apparently, 10 times its normal weight.

#2.  My new flip flops are lined with lead. I’ve got to start reading labels.

#1.  Doctors get paid by the pound.

Finally, the doctor’s office scale phenomenon started to make sense to me, but not to everyone.

“There’s nothing wrong with the doctor’s scale. You just weigh more than you think you do,” offered The Professor. This from the man who said that his high blood pressure reading was because he slept on that arm the night before the test.

I would have stabbed him with the tongue depressors I “borrowed” from the exam room, but I’d already had my cardio for the day.

Instead, I gave him a look that prompted him to remind me, “You know, they always investigate the wife first when the husband’s murdered.”

I, then, reminded him that all I’d need is one woman on that jury, and I’d be off Scot-free.

He shot back with, “Clearly, the doctor’s scale is broken.”

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do you weigh more at your doctor’s office than at home?  Are you taking iron supplements, too?  Has anyone insisted you are taller than you know you are?  Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing what you have to say.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

I Left My Brain At The Car Rental Counter!!!

I Left My Brain At The Car Rental Counter!!!

By Gina Valley

I rent cars frequently, so you’d think I’d be good at figuring out how to use the gadgets in an unfamiliar vehicle. But, you’d be wrong.

Generally, I muddle through as I meet each new set of wheels. Occasionally, I’m briefly baffled, but usually I figure most everything out.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I Left My Brain At The Car Rental Counter BrainlessThis time, though, I was nearly inept.

Maybe it was because I’ve never rented this brand (I think the proper term is “make” of car, but we use the word “make” to tell our puppies it’s time for them to poop, so I have trouble using “make” to describe a car without giggling. I’m giggling now) of car before.

Maybe it was because I didn’t get the usual 30 second run down on the car’s quirks from the rental car agent.

Maybe it was because I only slept 3 hours the night before.

But, whatever it was, clearly, my brain was slipping a gear. Maybe two.

I could not turn off the blinker.

I pushed the turn signal bar down to signal a left side lane change, and then pushed it back up to turn it off. But, that did not turn it off. It, instead, turned on the right side turn indicator. I assumed I had pushed it up too far, so I pushed it down a tad. This, of course, turned the left side signal back on.

I repeated this futile exercise 6 or 8 times, convincing the drivers around me that I had completely lost my mind or was harboring battling personalities, before I accidentally pushed the bar forward, turning off the signal the way many cars activate their high beams.

Then, I panicked, worrying about a possible high beam emergency ensuing any second, because I realized I had no idea how to turn on the high beams. I never did figure out how to activate the high beams, fortunately, there were no high beam-necessitating emergencies.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I Left My Brain At The Car Rental Counter Brainless

I was blasting the radio, which I love to do when driving alone. But when I needed to turn down the volume, I kept reaching for the knob in the place it is in most cars. Turns out that is the fan speed controller in that car, and it didn’t work well at all to turn down the radio volume.

I repeated this feat of brilliance at least a dozen times during the drive. Each time I was surprised the volume was unchanged, and each time I was then immediately thankful my thoughts were not broadcast over the internet for all to share in my stupidity. Especially for that 12th time.

Not only was I volume-control-impaired, I was also sound-direction-impaired. All of the radio sound was coming from the right side speakers. I couldn’t figure out how to change that, even after I parked the car and closely examined the controls.

My right ear was the only one processing the sound, and that made it feel like my left ear had gone deaf. I briefly wondered if I could somehow manage to drive while seated backwards so as to give my left ear a chance at some action, but decided against it when I realized I still needed to figure out how to turn on the windshield wipers.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley I Left My Brain At The Car Rental Counter Brainless

Just getting out of the car I somehow activated the hazard lights.

And, search as I did, I could not find a button to push inside of the car to pop open the trunk. Thankfully, there was an icon on the key fob that popped that puppy open after only 25 different tries. I was glad I didn’t have to try to explain to everyone at the meeting that my notes were locked in a car with an unopenable trunk & vertigo-inducing speakers.

By the time I walked into the conference room, I felt like I was rapidly morphing into an idiot (I might or might not have gotten off on the wrong floor on the way up. Seven and five are very similar, you know).

Then, as I waited for the meeting to begin, I remembered I never turned off the car’s hazard lights, and realized my transformation was complete.

I had, obviously, left my brain at the rental car counter.

Or, maybe I locked it in the trunk.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Have you done anything that made you feel like your IQ had fallen out your ear?  Do you adapt quickly to driving an unfamiliar vehicle, or do you sometimes find yourself unable to even unlock the doors?  I’m looking forward to hearing what you have to say. Luckily, there’s a handy “comment” button right on this page!

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission.

Struck By The Soccer Fairy!!! …Gina’s Favorites

Struck By The Soccer Fairy!!! …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

I’m taking this week off to deal with some family issues, so I’ve lined up some of my favorite posts to keep you giggling.
Laugh along with this Gina’s Favorites post.

Struck By The Soccer Fairy…Again!!!

This morning was soccer try-outs.  As always the Soccer Fairy paid us her (ok, could be a “him” – not sure, never seen the accursed Soccer Fairy) traditional “Night Before Soccer Try-Outs” visit.  She (or he) hid half of the kids’ shin guards and a couple of cleats.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Struck By The Soccer Fairy!!! ...Gina's FavoritesSomehow try-outs and the accompanying need for gear take my family by surprise every time, despite having been on the calendar for months.

This, as it always does, caused the house to be filled with the relaxing tones of “patient” prodding as their dad, The Professor, attempted to “encourage” the kids to find their stuff.

I don’t know what he is so upset about.  After all, during the process he found his left cowboy boot, three cordless phones (only two of which belong to us), his jigsaw, and what was either formerly a banana or a crayfish.

Years ago, in the interest of family harmony, I bought a big tub with a lid and labeled it “Soccer Cleats & Shin Guards.”  My family loved it.  They oooh’d and aaah’d over it.  They marveled as I demonstrated the procedure whereby one might remove the lid, place one’s soccer gear inside of the tub, and return the lid to its original location.  They were all impressed.

They were shocked when I then lifted the lid and revealed that their valuable possessions were, in fact, still there, inside the tub, where they had put them.  As anti-neatites, the idea of putting something where it belongs was foreign and a bit unsettling to my pack.  But, they seemed intrigued and interested in the notion of being able to use the magical tub to keep track of and to locate their belongings.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Struck By The Soccer Fairy!!! ...Gina's FavoritesAll pledged to make use of this valuable new tool, and to fully embrace this minion of organization.

I rejoiced.

They never used it.  It is still in brand-new, pristine condition.

This morning while on the traditional hunt for their soccer gear, besides completely destroying the house, my pack located four missing library books from the last city we lived in, two notes from teachers requesting conferences last spring, and one goldfish.

The goldfish was a bit on the crispy side.

The missing cleats and shin guards continue to elude them.

I told them not to worry.  The missing soccer gear will turn up.  It always does.

On the first day of baseball season.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

What’s disappearing in your neck of the woods?  Shoot me a comment with the details.  I’m looking forward to hearing all about it!

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission

Top 10 Rules While Mom’s Out Of Town …Gina’s Favorites

Top 10 Rules While Mom’s Out Of Town …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

I’m taking this week off to deal with some family issues, so I’ve lined up some of my favorite posts to keep you giggling.
Laugh along with this Gina’s Favorites post.

Top 10 Rules While Mom’s Out Of Town

I have the privilege of hanging out with some amazing writers next week at a conference on the other side of the country.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Rules While Mom’s Out Of Town ...Gina's FavoritesI’m looking forward to meeting people whose work I have long read and admired, and to laughing with new friends, as well.

I’m not looking forward to trying to parent my 7 children from 2200 miles away.

I travel several times a year, so I know my family needs more specific guidelines than “be good” and “don’t burn the house down.” I’ll be leaving them a list of rules.

Top 10 Rules While Mom’s Out Of Town

#10.  Call me only if there’s an emergency. An emergency is when someone or something is on fire, or someone is bleeding profusely from the head.

#9.  No one may make any flame of any kind in any way at any point for any reason. If there is a power outage, birthday, or zombie apocalypse just sit there in the dark until I get home.

#8.  Feed the dog only dog food. Yes, the dog likes ice cream, candy, and pizza, but ice cream, candy, and pizza do not like the dog, as evidenced by the projectile diarrhea he produced during my last trip.

#7.  The dog having projectile diarrhea is not an emergency. Do not call me to tell me about it. Do not send me pictures.

#6.  You must wear shoes to school every day, and they must be shoes that fit you, belong to you, and were purchased by me for you.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley Top 10 Rules While Mom’s Out Of Town ...Gina's Favorites#5.  Your dad is not allowed to play basketball with you. The last time he played basketball with you he broke his ankle. The time before that he dislocated his hip. If your dad is on crutches when I get back, you’re all grounded. Including your dad.

#4.  The babysitter feeding you jar spaghetti sauce is not an emergency. Do not call me to complain about it.

#3.  Stay out of my room.  If you think you need to go in my room, stay out of my room. If you absolutely, positively must go in my room, stay out of my room.

#2.  Wanting to go in my room is not an emergency. Do not call to ask me if you can go in my room.

#1.  If it involves the phrase “Watch this, you guys!” don’t do it.  Don’t even think about doing it.

In other words, be good.

And, don’t burn the house down.

Laugh Out Loud!

-gina

Do you leave instructions behind for your family when you travel without them? Do they give out your cell phone number to salespeople who call? Has your family done something goofy while you were away? Shoot me a comment. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission

It’s Different When Mom Gets Sick! …Gina’s Favorites

It’s Different When Mom Gets Sick! …Gina’s Favorites

by Gina Valley

I’m taking this week off to deal with some family issues, so I’ve lined up some of my favorite posts to keep you giggling.
Laugh along with this Gina’s Favorites post.

It’s Different When Mom Gets Sick

It’s different when I get sick. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m the mom or because I’m the primary caregiver or because I have the bad timing to take ill when the planets are aligned funny. But, whatever the cause, it’s different. Definitely different.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley It's Different When Mom Gets Sick ...Gina's Favorites Mom Sick

When one of my pack gets sick, I take his temperature and bring him juice.

When I get sick I take my own temperature, and am woken up by pack members who want juice, but can’t locate it in the refrigerator. Sometimes, they also want help locating the refrigerator.

When one of my pack gets sick, I put a clean, extra soft blanket into the dryer to warm it up for her.

When I get sick, my 4 year old uses the dryer to heat up her grilled cheese sandwich.

When one of my pack gets sick, I bring her meals to her in bed on a tray.

When I get sick, my pack assumes it’s “starve a fever AND starve a cold.”

When one of my pack gets sick I give him a chilled bottle of water with a sports top so he can drink without spilling while lying down in bed.

When I get sick, my pack runs the garden hose through my bedroom window to my bed so they won’t have to come up the stairs.

When one of my pack is sick, I bring her books, art supplies, and a portable DVD player to help her stay entertained.

When I get sick, my pack brings me buttons to sew back onto jackets, laundry to smell-check for re-wearing, and quizzes me about where their cleats and library books are currently located to keep me entertained.

When one of my pack gets sick, I keep the house quiet so he can sleep.

When I get sick, my pack takes turns waking me up every 15 minutes so I will feel like I’m in the hospital.

When one of my pack gets sick, I walk her down the stairs when she is feeling good enough to be up and about.

When I get sick, my pack panics when I start to feel like being up and about and asks me to give them a 30 minute warning before I come down the stairs, presumably so they’ll have time to call in a bulldozer to help tidy up.

Humor Funny Humorous Family Life Love Laugh Laughter Parenting Mom Moms Dad Dads Parenting Child Kid Kids Children Son Sons Daughter Daughters Brother Brothers Sister Sisters Grandparent Grandma Grandpa Grandparents Grandfather Grandmother Parenting Gina Valley It's Different When Mom Gets Sick ...Gina's Favorites Mom SickWhen one of my pack gets sick I know he’s done being sick when all the extra sleep and focused nutrition have filled him with renewed energy.

When I get sick, I declare myself done being sick when the sleep-deprivation and concern for the state of my kitchen push me too close to the edge of permanent insanity.

When one of my pack has been sick and announces she is well, I tell her that I am so glad she is well, but that I want her to rest a bit extra for the next few days to get her strength back up.

When I have been sick and announce I am well, my pack tells me they’re hungry, the toilet is backed up, and they need to finish a report, including a full color 3-D poster, about Koalas before school the next morning.

It’s just a bit different when mom gets sick.

Laugh Out Loud!

gina

How about you?  Is it different for you, too?  Tell me all about it.  I’m looking forward to hearing what you think. Shoot me a comment with the details.

Photos courtesy of Stock.xchng – Used with permission